Expecting first child and scared of changes. How do others cope/prepare?

[K007]

Hi. I hope it is okay to write this here, and not in the antenatal/postnatal depression bit - I don't think I am clinically depressed. I am 29 weeks pregnant, and I am worried that I might not be able to cope with the inevitable life changes. People keep telling me that nothing will be the same, that I won't have a lie-in for years etc. I can imagine that things will change, of course, and that the baby will cry a lot, but I think I am starting to catastrophize things the more I hear about it. I think this is why I kept my pregnancy quiet for so long, and only now that people can see that I am expecting they are giving me all sorts of advice.
I have been with my partner for many years, and we started to think about having children only in the last couple of years. I had a miscarriage last year, and was devastated afterwards. I couldn't look at pictures of other people's babies without feeling empty and sad.
Now though I often think 'What have I done?' So far I had an easy pregnancy, but for the last few weeks I have not been sleeping well - waking up early every night, not because of baby kicking or needing the loo but I think due to worry - wondering how I will manage the rest of the pregnancy when everything is getting more difficult, how I will manage labour, but in particular how will I cope with being a mother.
My question is: How do others prepare for it, or should I just stop bloody worrying and get on with it? Will it all come naturally? And, what are the nice things about having a baby, that I can look forward to?
Sorry about the long post.

[thistlemuncher]

Avoid asking people for advice, you will be given plenty :P

I felt a bit the same with DS and my solution was to read a bit about what to do with the baby when it's here. i.e. how to bath, change it etc. I had no clue about babies, didn't know anyone with young children. And I thought the antenatal classes I went to were totally unhelpful in that they spent all the time on birth and then an entire session trying to persuade everyone that BF is the best ...even though everyone in the group had said they would be BF'ing. I would have been much happier with a basics of childcare, what to do if baby has a temperature, what counts as a temperature etc.

As for being a mother, there is no perfect answer, you just muddle through and find out a bit by trial and error what works for you as a family. At the end of the day, if baby is fed, clean and cuddled that's all that matters.

[AlpinePony]

You can't really prepare tbh, but one day you'll wake up and realise that your baby is 4 weeks old and you haven't killed it yet. Then one day when it's about a year old you'll all oversleep because it slept until 8 am and you only woke up because the postman rang. ;)

1. do pack your bags and have the essentials in, I was taken in at 36 weeks and I wasn't ready with 'stuff', never mind mentally!
   
   
2. you won't need to set your alarm clock for years but you won't give a shit. Early nights or a rental DVD will be nice!
   
   
3. not all babies cry all the time and you don't need to martyr yourself. You can still play sport, sing silly songs and go to restaurants, although swap the oxo for a harvested for less stress. Life goes on, you can still go on holiday but look for childcare! :)
   
   
4. bizarrely the only thing which is really hard to do (without a sitter) is go to the cinema like grown-ups. ;)
   
   
5. ignore the voices of doom, it's as easy or hard as you make it.
   
   
6. agree with your partner that sleep deprivation will make you say the most wicked things to each other - but remember that you chose to have this baby because you love each other very much and this too shall pass. We are having our second in a couple of weeks and I know I will be sniping at my husband and calling him a lazy arsehole just because he gets 10 minutes more sleep than me. ;)

[K007]

Thanks for your replies, you two, that's been helpful. I haven't had time to go on here, which is why my reply so late. I've been wobbly when I wrote this (not being able to sleep didint help), but feeling much better and stronger now. Thanks!

[notcitrus]

Before I gave birth, quite a few people I knew confessed their lives hadn't changed as much as they thought, after the first few months of everything being a blur. Especially the ones with family who could babysit for a couple hours every couple weeks.

I found I didn't change as a person - I still spent most of my time out of the house, was still uninterested in cleaning, and really wasn't very interested in other people's babies. Mine was fascinating, though. :)
And taking an evening about 3 weeks in to play computer games (just pausing regularly to attend to ds behind us) helped me and MrNC adjust to the 'new normal'. Have to admit that pausable telly is the best thing ever!

If there's parenting classes offered by your PCT or hospital or GP surgery or whatever, do go along - some are great, some have only the merit that you can have coffee with other mums afterwards and go 'wtf was that about?'

[horseynewmum]

OP I'm in your shoes 24 wks with first DC and I'm worried about after the baby but I've been thinking about the good things having a baby will be for me. Before this pregnancy I didn't have alot of time to spend with my family and DH due to work but now I think about how much family time I will have (along with bags under eyes, greasey hair and sick everywhere) with DC the new edition. Also thinking about going to mother and babies group so going out and socialising. This is what keeps me going about having this DC

[pchick]

Its natural to be concerned, and being depressed in pregnancy is not unusual. Life will change, but you will adapt. Some bits will be really good, other times you will despair. Having a baby is not easy at times, but is also very rewarding. Overall, the good bits outweigh the bad.

Nice bits - cuddling your baby, cooing at your baby, showing baby off, that overwhelming feeling of pride because that baby is your son or daughter, seeing your baby grow and develop, buying nice clothes for he/she, meeting other mums,

PS. Find an good bumps and babies group for pregnant women, and mums with babies. Meeting other people will help you alot. IS there a local NCT group in the area? They usually run such groups

(NB. If you find that the bad bits outweigh the good, don't be afraid to ask for help. Post natal depression can affect anyone.)

[ginmakesitallok]

I remember before having DD1 a particularly helpful friend going on and on about how "you won't know what's hit you", "Oh, things'll be different when baby arrives" etc etc. And yes it is very different, but you just get on with things and adapt. The good bits outweighed the bad bits for me - and I've found the good bits get better and the bad bits tend to just be phases.

[LadyWidmerpool]

You will have lots of fun with the most interesting little person in the world. You will see your family and friends fall in love with your baby. A lot of things will stop mattering and that will feel good.

My practical tip is only relevant if you are BFing. If you are, and you can get your baby to take a bottle (once BFibg is established) keep giving one regularly, ideally every day. Don't let it slide like I did, not if you want more than two hours away from baby anyway, as your baby might start refusing it which is a right pain. (You may not be bothered.)

Good luck!