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Furious about nosy neighbour asking if I was pregnant when I am not even showing yet!

(21 Posts)
sharond101 Tue 25-Oct-11 20:41:24

I am in an almighty rage tonight. I have been lying it very low for the last three weeks due to terrible nausea. One of my neighbours commented last week she hadn't seen much of me lately, I gave the excuse I hadn't been feeling well. Tonight on DH's way in he stumbled across this neighbour who asked after me and without giving DH a chance to answer followed it up with, "She isn't pregnant is she?" I miscarried 18months ago and there was a bit of a palava afterwards where I had a massive haemorrhage and an ambulance had to come to the flat. This neighbour guessed what was going on from the location of the blood (the ambulance crew didn't take much time at concealing any evidence). I appreciate that since this time people may have been expecting for me to become pregnant again but it's not that easy for some folks and this same neighbour once began complaining to me about how long she was waiting on an NHS waiting list for a hip replacement and made the random suggestion to me not to wait on NHS for IVF but to go private! I had not told her any of my situation and she knows nothing about my health or desire for a pregnancy. Going back to tonight's comment, I am furious that she has asked such a personal questions It is not at all obvious from my physical appearance I am expecting (I am only 9+2 weeks) and she has no evidence this could be the case. She is not a friend, just a nosy old woman who I happen to live above and I am so angry I want to say something to her about it. I haven't even told family about my pregnancy, outside of my parents and sister. Who does this woman think she is asking about such a thing? DH was taken by surprise and said something along the lines of we weren't sure what was up but anything is a possibility.

How would you feel in this situation? Would you say something and if yes what would you say?

icooksocks Tue 25-Oct-11 21:10:48

Ermm chill out, people get excited by new life. Thats they way the world goes, IMO you are way overreacting to this (but blame the hormones-I would grin )

Will this be your Precious First Born by any chance?

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns Tue 25-Oct-11 21:11:31

I'm an epic wimp, but if I wasn't I'd politely tell her its none of her business and in future could she keep any opinions to herself.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 25-Oct-11 21:13:24

I wouldn't say anything at all - she's probably just well meaning and hopes to hear some happy news.

No point making enemies.

Fingers crossed you feel better soon and congratulations.

Maisiethemorningsidecat Tue 25-Oct-11 21:14:33

You're furious?? Really??? Those pesky hormones, eh? grin

It sounds as if she's opened her mouth before she engaged her brain - let it go, for the sake of your mental and emotional health. This really, really isn't worth getting in an 'almighty rage' about. Seriously.

RuthChan Tue 25-Oct-11 21:15:46

I'm sorry that she has upset you so much.
As you say, she is just a nosy old woman. She probably doesn't have enough of interest in her own life and therefore wants to fill the gap with something from someone else's.
On the other hand, she is probably, in her own way, trying to show that she notices and cares about what's going on with her neighbours.
Try not to be too upset about it.
You don't need to answer any of her questions. She is making big assumptions and reading into everything that she has seen and heard recently.
It's none of her business and your DH would be quite within his rights to ask her politely to keep out of it.
She probably wouldn't have asked if she thought it would upset you.

KatyN Tue 25-Oct-11 21:59:24

Our neighbours knew before anyone else because of all the rubbish paperwork from the midwife that i put inthe recycle bin.... I would have been cross if they asked but she might have found something or heard your retching??
Yes she is nosey but generally i think people are pretty crazy/nosey when it comes to babies!!

Crosshair Tue 25-Oct-11 22:08:50

To you its a huge thing and to her its a conversation starter, Im sorry you're upset by it. sad

EMS23 Tue 25-Oct-11 22:16:26

I'm not surprised you feel vulnerable after your miscarriage and ambulance experience previously. You must have felt horrendously exposed at what was undoubtedly a scary time.

But I suspect she is guilty of being nosy at worst and you're best off leaving this one. Soon your baby will be there, possibly keeping her up at night and that can be her punishment!

Congrats on your pregnancy x

hairylights Tue 25-Oct-11 22:28:23

I'd be furious too.

Alexironingboard Tue 25-Oct-11 22:41:40

I would be cross too
I would not ask if someone was pregnant. She is being insensitive but this is lovely news. Your husband said the right thing. If asked directly - lie ( until you are ready to say otherwise)

I also think it is odd when people try to convince you of the gender of your unborn baby. I think it is ok to ask if people are going to find out. They can then say (or not) if they want to say what they are having.


CheeseandGherkins Tue 25-Oct-11 22:43:52

My neighbour guessed when I was 9 weeks, I was showing a bit but not much. I just said yes I am and we chatted about it. Can't say it bothered me.

m1nn1em0u5e Tue 25-Oct-11 23:13:05

My neighbour also guessed due to hearing me vomit constantly during the summer!..

IssyStark Wed 26-Oct-11 06:35:17

I think your neighbour is showing geniune neighbourly concern. Would you prefer she was stand-offish and didn't talk to you both? This is what community is about - looking out for the people living nearby.

Yes you might want to tell people in your own time, but I wouldn't lie to her is she asks you. People frequently guessed I was pregnant before I was showing (I'm on preg. no. 10 hoping to get kid no. 2 so I know about wanting to keep things schtum after a m/c but life doesn't always work out that way). Thank her for her concern, say it is early days and you aren't counting on anything and want to keep it quiet.

Hormones can make us over-react in odd ways but try and chill out about this and see it as a nice thing instead.

HotPinkGingham Wed 26-Oct-11 07:30:51

I totally get why you are so upset. A neighbour of mine made a guess at me being pregnant a few days after I'd had a m/c. I said "no, I've just put on weight" through gritted teeth and went in the house and cried my eyes out. She was just being nosy, not trying to hurt me, but I was shocked about how intrusive it felt to have someone I hardly know open up a topic which was so private and sensitive for me.

I wouldn't confront her - you don't need the stress at the moment, and arguments with neighbours have a way of escalating into running feuds, particularly with the busy-body type. I've often wanted to scream at some of mine but always been relieved once I calmed down that I kept the peace. You might need her goodwill when your LO arrives and screams the place down on occassion smile

If she asks you or DH again, I'd have a response ready along the lines of "thanks for your interest, but that's a sensitive topic for me after what happened 18 months ago. If there is news of that kind at any point we'll be sharing it in our own time". Polite, but clear that the topic is off limits (then wait to tell her for as long as possible to avoid well meaning 'advice' the next annoying thing!).

Congratulations and hope the sickness goes soon!

spottypancake Wed 26-Oct-11 07:33:34

I think she was rude to ask whether you were pregnant. Particularly given she know what happened previously.

But just let it go and don't get into an unpleasant situation with a neighbour.

Aftereightsaremine Wed 26-Oct-11 07:45:46

Sorry I think yabu. She is an old woman & was probably showing genuine concern & being neighbourly.

ConstanceTenchOfZombies Wed 26-Oct-11 07:57:16

I can understand you being miffed at her questioning, especially if you are a private person and considering the history, But it really doesn't sound like she meant any harm, just concern.

And nosy old neighbours can be very comforting in my experience, you have your own personal neighbourhood watch team right there wink

hubbahubster Wed 26-Oct-11 09:53:01

I'm sorry you're upset. But I think after a few deep breaths you may see that you're overreacting a bit.

I totally get that you want to keep this private - I too had a traumatic MC before conceiving my DS and didn't tell a soul, not even my mum and sister, until after the 12 week scan. But a drunken colleague guessed at our work Xmas party when I was only 6 weeks - I appreciated that he was just happy for me but I made it clear that the topic was off limits, especially since we were in the middle of a crowded bar! He was incredibly apologetic the next day when he realised what he'd done and was a huge help to me in the office when I was still keeping things quiet, lifting stuff for me.

I've also found that since having DS, my neighbours are actually the nicest people. They all came round with presents and cake when he was born, offering their babysitting services and (especially the older ones) their experience and advice, but all in a relaxed way. And they've never complained about the midnight crying - in fact, despite the fact my next door neighbour must be woken up on a regular basis, she's sworn that she can't hear DS at all, bless her!

I guess what I'm saying is that the old lady downstairs probably has no clue how much she's upset you and would be mortified if she knew. And you may just find her a great support once your DC arrives.

Hope everything goes well for you from now on smile

sharond101 Wed 26-Oct-11 11:37:36

HotPinkGIngham that's exactly how it is you described the sensitive and private subject exactly. She is very nosy about all things and on several occasions has acted concerned about topics which are none of her business so as to round up gossip. It's funny how last year although she was the only person home when the ambulance arrived everyone in my building knew about it before the day was out. I think it is very insensitive. I will not approach her although if confronted by the same question I will take your advice HotPinkGingham. Thank you for the understanding.

thejaffacakesareonme Wed 26-Oct-11 13:12:29

I think it is a bit intrusive. A woman in a shop asked me if I was pregnant a few months ago. I was only 5 weeks. I took it that the dress I was wearing made me look fat and have hardly worn it since.

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