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If you're fed up with people telling you it's even harder when the baby's arrived...

(25 Posts)
boognish Sun 23-Oct-11 15:35:29

...just take it from me, they're not just killjoys - they're wrong.

Once the baby's arrived things may seem tough to an outsider - but you have the benefit of being your baby's one and only mummy, and you may well find you have a slightly different take on things. (Were they not just being a bit envious?) You really love your baby, your baby more and more perceptibly really loves you, and the rest of your life picks up wonderfully from the day you leave the hospital. I haven't had a sad day since my baby was born 8 months ago (and I used to get horribly low on occasion). And my baby is one of the ones that never sleeps and wails if I leave him to go to the loo, so this is me even without a social life.

Apologies to those who've had PND, but just felt I needed to post this because I had so many of the above comments from an older - clearly weirder - generation that I had to correct their negativity for the first-timers.

MrsDalliard Sun 23-Oct-11 15:40:34

What a lovely post. It's sad how many people seem to enjoy pouring cold water on the whole experience of pregnancy and new parenthood, often with a scathing, knowing, cold-hearted laugh, so it's wonderful to read such a positive viewpoint. Thanks, Boognish.

Onlymydogunderstandsme Sun 23-Oct-11 15:52:17

Thank you Boognish!!! I have always really looked forward to having children but after reading my DP's book for men about pregnancy earlier I was having a bit of a wobble and a 'how am I going to cope' moment! This is reassuring...I'm 7 weeks so we haven't told anyone yet so I will remember your post when I get those comments which are no doubt to come!!

RottenRow Sun 23-Oct-11 16:00:20

I think you're better off expecting the worst and then it probably won't be so bad! It is hard work looking after a baby and a big adjustment. I think people who have an unrealistic idea of how it will be find it the hardest IME

mediawhore Sun 23-Oct-11 16:35:44

I agree. Newborn stage is very hard, BUT (at 30weeks) I struggle to sleep or walk easily (bad SPD), can't do too much with my other kids, constantly tired (not sleep deprived but achingly exhausted - partly from anaemia) and uncomfortable with the large bump.

At least once baby is here I will be able to roll over in bed easily, walk without crutches and pain and have a squidgy baby to cuddle too.

Am a 3rd timer so not being overly optimistic about newborn stage either!

muzzy2011 Sun 23-Oct-11 17:31:50

ah thank you! I am sick of hearing how hard it will be, how your life will never be yours again, how you wont get any sleep, be exhausted, be blue!! Even if that is all true it would be so nice to hear more positive comments like this rather than all the negatives!

Meglet Sun 23-Oct-11 17:36:21

So true (in some ways!).

When I was expecting DC2 I had a rotten time trying to deal with DC1. I was in good shape but he was just that bit quicker and more nimble than I was. I remember thinking "just you wait young man, as soon as this baby is out I'll be in charge again" grin. Even after my CS I was in better shape than having a huge bump in front of me.

TheMummyAbroad Sun 23-Oct-11 18:04:20

Thank you OP! Just what I needed to read. i am 38 weeks, struggling with a rash of physical problems, a 3 year old, no husband, and a work from home job from which I will get no maternity leave! EVERYONE I meet keeps telling me how hard its going to be.

You have just reminded me that there are really good bits to look forward to, too, so thanks . xxx

m1nn1em0u5e Sun 23-Oct-11 18:19:04

I am expecting ds3 & happen to look very young for my 32 years!..I love it when people at work who dont know me well give me that knowing 'look' oh you wont know what has hit you....sleep deprivation, sick & baby poo....no time for yourself etc etc....I just love saying 'oh I think I know what is coming, this is my third!'....its priceless!....

notlettingthefearshow Sun 23-Oct-11 20:08:45

Thanks OP! I am 31 weeks pg with my first, and so thrilled. I know it will be hard in many ways, but it's good to hear so many people saying it's well worth it! I think reading too many baby books can really panic expecting parents because they only talk about the problems.

I'm already a bit shocked at the conflicting advice and judgmental comments I've heard on MN and in RL, so I am determined not to compare with others too much.

blueskydrinking Sun 23-Oct-11 21:34:25

It's so true. And it makes no sense. For example, when the baby comes:

1. I thought 3rd trimester sleep was rubbish. But when your body is DESPERATE for sleep, but your little bundle has very different ideas, that's a whole new level of sleep torture confused

2. During my 3rd trimester, I was on early mat leave, bored to tears, figured that babies eat, sleep, cry a bit - what's the fuss about? It'll give me something to do. Hmmm..... if I managed to get a shower, that was a triumphant day.

3. The tiredness.

4. It's overwhelming, even going to the supermarket is a big deal.

5. The worry (which is exacerbated by the tiredness).

6. Everything that is me, that makes me what I am, that I enjoy and which until a few weeks before was important to me at first got put on the backburner (which was frustrating and annoying) until eventually a lot of it sort of stopped being important. Which was weird.

But despite all of this, I completely agree with the OP and others, I have NEVER been happier. Knackered, frustrated, tired, consumed with worry... but always, always happy. Go figure.....

lchats Mon 24-Oct-11 11:39:15

Thanks boognish - exactly what us first timers need to hear...

Mackrelmint Mon 24-Oct-11 14:41:31

Yes, good post.

I got so sick of people telling me to 'enjoy going to the toilet by myself whilst I still can' etc. It seemed such a pointless thing to say, needlessly negative. And 15 months in, you know what, I don't miss going to the toilet to myself even a tiny little bit. Yes you can't do some things anymore, and sometimes it's terribly hard, and even sometimes boring, but there is so much wonderful about it too, and you just adjust to how things change. (And you appreciate those rare long baths/lie-ins/evenings out so much more!)

TheMummyAbroad Mon 24-Oct-11 20:50:47

I think its a case of swapping one set of problems for another, but I for one am looking forward to going to the toilet in the presence of baby if it also means being able to feel relief after emptying my bladder and not like I need to go again just two minutes later!

buonasera Tue 25-Oct-11 08:17:57

Boognish, what a nice thing to do!

CAZ46 Tue 25-Oct-11 08:22:45

Used to get the same comments. Being a mother is the most wonderful experience though yes it is hard work. I love that "enjoy going to the toilet by myself whilst I still can". My kids are 11 and 16 and I still not able to go to the toilet by myself whilst I still can LOL! Mind you when I had my first child, people said when do you want another! Then after 2nd child, have two boys, are you going to try for a third - a girl. People dont give up and say the daffest things. It's quite funny really. I make sure that I dont say that sort of thing to my friends!

kickingking Tue 25-Oct-11 08:38:19

I can second this from my experience with
My first child. I am very much hoping my next baby will be the same, as I am not enjoying pregnancy!

mrsv2 Tue 25-Oct-11 08:48:40

Lovely post boognish.......my pfb is now 31 weeks old and after her rough start ( born at 29weeks) i can honestly say that she is the best thing that ever happened to us. Yes my life has changed, yes i have very little social life, yes there are days that i am tired and fed up, yes there are days that you dream of lying in a long hot bath but every smile, new skill, 1lb put on make up for it. Im a late comer to motherhood and i wouldnt want my old life back at all........so what ever anyone says to you, smile back, nod your head and ignore. NO its not easy but it truely is wonderful smile

Bumpsadaisie Tue 25-Oct-11 09:05:20

It definitely is easier once they are out. You can put them down! And they do have naps!

Current 40+6 with 2 year old and no way is it going to be harder to have a toddler and a newborn (I have to believe this or I will cry!) grin

BeeBopBunny Tue 25-Oct-11 09:07:59

I had a fairly trouble free pregnancy and certainly found it much much harder when DD arrived, manly due to lack of sleep and a number of physical problems due to the birth. But having DD in my arms made it all worth while!

Bumpsadaisie Tue 25-Oct-11 09:11:29

PS if it is your first, yes your life does shift dramatically from "non parent" to "parent" - shorthand for "I always come second now" and "I am totally responsible for this little bundles health and happiness" and "Yes, I'm afraid you do have to get up and look after the baby even though you have norovirus and are throwing up every hour!"

But it happens without you noticing it really. You are so involved and wrapped up with your newborn that by the time you actually have a moment to reflect on how life is different (maybe when they are about 3 months?) "the change" has happened and lo! you are a parent, and hey, you are just doing it all already.

Badgerwife Tue 25-Oct-11 13:01:39

I totally agree. I didn't particularly enjoy pregnancy, the discomfort of heartburn, bloatedness, backache and sickness and just, well, the "waiting" I guess.

I knew it was going to be an adjustment and hard work, but it would be foolish to think otherwise really. It's true your life is never the same again, but why should that be a bad thing? Just wait until your baby starts to smile back at you and you never look back.

The first 4 weeks with DD were really hard but that's because I was quite unwell following her birth and I couldn't feed myself properly so I found the exhaustion debilitating. As soon as I got my energy levels under control, everything was so much better and enjoyable, despite the disturbed nights. She's 13 weeks now and still wakes 2-3 times a night but I'm finding it manageable, certainly not the horror I was expecting from reading some of the threads on MN. But maybe that's because I'm also not doing lots in the day apart from very basic tidying up and cooking. I certainly don't feel any pressure to have a shower and get out of my pjs by 7.30am!

Dutchie77 Tue 25-Oct-11 18:33:55

Thank you SO much Boognish....!! It's very important to hear positive stories. I am very afraid for the weeks after birth, but then yeah, everybody's different.

Maybe we should all stop listening to all the horror stories!!

TheRealMBJ Tue 25-Oct-11 18:43:50

What a lovely thread. Thank you

At 40+7 and a 22 month old, I have a nagging worry at the back of my mind that she's not coming because I can't cope with it. But it has to be easier, doesn't it?

wombatinwaiting Tue 25-Oct-11 18:56:39

Wow - thank you boognish - I have been having a real metldown over the last few days about the enormity of it all (I have now left work and therefore too much(?) time to think about these things) but it has been worsened by all the negative comments - this thread has come right at the right time.

I have vowed to say to the next negative person "thank you for your comments. I am fully aware of all the changes that will take place and I would ask you not to make my fears and anxieties any worse than they already are. Now please do tell me about the positives - I would love to hear them." That's the plan anyway!

(Currently 35 +5.....)

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