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30 weeks and having 'what have I done' thoughts

(25 Posts)
Snowgirl1 Tue 18-Oct-11 18:28:18

Anyone else had major ?what have I done? thoughts? Apologies to anyone who has spent years TTC or is having trouble TTC and can?t understand how anyone can think that.

I had a major meltdown at the weekend. People keep asking if I?m enjoying my pregnancy and I just don?t get how anyone can enjoy being pregnant. It?s not that I?ve suffered terrible symptoms and discomfort from being pregnant, but pregnancy seems so life limiting. My spare time used to involve lots of swimming, running & cycling (6 days a week). But now I'm pregnant, I feel unable to do the things I enjoy and it?s making me really unhappy ? and then I think that if I feel like this before the baby is born, how will I feel when I have a little baby that?s dependant on me 24/7?

I'm worried that I?m going to resent our baby ? that I?m simply too selfish and not ?mummy? material. And it?s a bit late to be working that out at 30 weeks pregnant. When I was having my meltdown about all this, DH said ?but you must have known being pregnant and having a baby would change your life?. Well, yes, in theory I did but I didn?t realise how miserable my new lifestyle would make me feel. People keep saying how exciting it must be to expect a baby, but I don?t feel excited at all. Just daunted about what lies ahead.

Am I the only one that feels like this? Could this just be hormones making me feel so low? God, I hope so.

cerealqueen Tue 18-Oct-11 18:38:00

Its normal, really, I wouldn't worry or beat yourself up about it. Your life will change but its all positive and worth it and there is no reason why you can't continue with some hobbies, maybe limited at first though!

seaweedhead Tue 18-Oct-11 18:50:59

Yes it does change things forever but they're mostly positive changes and you'll learn to adapt. You will gradually get some of your life back, along with your body, but you do have to be patient.
I'm 33 weeks pg with DC2 and even though I know its not forever I can't help feeling a bit sorry for myself every now and then, and am starting to feel daunted by the prospect of having two young children. Fed up of being pregnant too- am desperate to go climbing again...and drinking!
There's no reason in theory why you can't still go for a bit of a swim or a run if you feel up to it.

blueskydrinking Tue 18-Oct-11 18:59:54

I totally get it. I found my first pregnancy more difficult in terms of 'missing out' - clothes, wine, food, nights out... it was a complete lifestyle change before my baby even arrived. I was very excited but also liable to burst into tears in restaurants because what I really wanted was the carpaccio and a decent amount of red wine.

This time I'm not feeling that side of it very much at all, but I'm so happy with DS that I panic that no 2 will upset the balance. Also I know what's coming in terms of tiredness and I do wonder what on earth I was thinking sometimes.

But I if I could go back and change my decision I wouldn't...no way. I guess I could still do something about that if I wished and the thought is horrifying. Oh and every single second of it all has been worth it ( x 100000000000000000) for DS(1).

pootlebug Tue 18-Oct-11 19:41:42

I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. I can't find much to recommend pregnancy (apart from as a means to an end) either. No drinking, no ski-ing, no surfing, no running, no rare steak, etc.

Once the baby arrives your life does change a lot - but you have this amazing small person as a part of it, so from day one you just don't expect it to be the same iyswim. Sport-wise, you can keep swimming all through your pregnancy. Post-birth, get a reasonable jogging pushchair and run around the park with the baby.....pushing the extra weight gets you pretty fit. You'll need to wait until he or she is a bit bigger for a bike seat/trailer....I think they recommend from 6 or 9 months or something. But you can get back into cycling with a baby in tow.

sittinginthesun Tue 18-Oct-11 19:48:41

I felt the same with DS1. I remember sitting in an antenatal class, listening to the others explaining what they loved about being pregnant. I hated it, for the same reasons as you.

Having had two children, so lots of hindsight, I would say, just relax and give into it. I took up knitting (seriously!) and read a lot.

It changes again when the baby is born. X

nothingoldcanstay Tue 18-Oct-11 19:58:59

I think i's good you feel this way...the reality will be loads easier . I see lots of mothers who think it's going to be great and are sort of shocked when the baby arrives. Just bear in mind that most women have children and are having them all over the world in all sorts of circumstances. It's your child and you are free to raise it however you like. I think half the worry now is to do with the expectation that you need to be perfect and have all the kit. It's a load of old bollocks as you will happily find out in a couple of months.

katekate3 Tue 18-Oct-11 20:06:06

I completely understand and am preg with no 3! Have always run, but since having children have taken up triathlon in a fairly low key way and really enjoy it. I try to carve out time in the week in advance to do the things I want to do as then I stick to them. Also for a few evenings in the summer got a babysitter so DH and I could go cycling.

I was lucky with both my previous pregnancies and managed to run until 36 weeks and was running again 2 weeks after c sections. I'm nearly 12 weeks and doing no exercise at all. I too have moments thinking what have I done. I think its completely normal.

HidingInTheUndergrowth Tue 18-Oct-11 20:20:48

We were trying for 18 months with an mc in the middle, we are about as ready as it is possible to be and we both really, really want this baby so much. However, that hasn't stopped us from having moments of panic and horror at the implications of having a child and wondering what on earth we were thinking. I have sobbed myself to sleep worrying about how I will cope and whether I have made the most god awful mistake of my life.

To be honest I think this is normal. There are loads of pregnant ladies at my work a the moment and I have had this conversation with a few of them now. In fact I think anyone about to have their first child who claims the don't sometimes feel this way is either lieing or crazy. smile

Nanny01 Tue 18-Oct-11 20:27:43

You are so normal feel that way with baby no.5 as I was just about to get the day back with every one at school now. Once baby is here you will be fine. It took me the first year with my first to adapt to having to take ds 1 with me every where with me. Now I am looking forward to having ds3 as I have no one to mumble to around the supermarket. The main thing I did was to find a bumps to babies group and then you will be around similar people who are going through what you are. I am going to join something new again as if I was at home by myself I would go crazy

cangaroo Tue 18-Oct-11 20:30:48

I completely understand how you feel, and agree with the other posters. I too felt resentful throughout my pregnancy, and then felt anxious that feeling like this meant that I wasn't cut out to be a mum. The positive things about having a baby feel so abstract, whereas all the negatives feel so concrete. But once the baby comes, the overwhelming love that you feel changes all of that.

As for getting your lifestyle back, it did take a while for me, but it did happen gradually. My LO is now 18 months. I have found a really nice balance of work and being at home with him, am doing outdoor fitness sessions in our local park three times a week, and finally feel like I have my body back to normal. It kind of feels as though I have all of the good things about my life before, but with lots of added joy.

Just started thinking about doing it all over again now!

AntsMarching Tue 18-Oct-11 20:39:15

I was thinking "what have I done" as I stood in the delivery suite on the night I had DD. I felt that way on and off all through my pregnancy even though she was a very much wanted baby.

17 months on and I love being her mum. It is life limiting but I no longer care so much and I'm completely selfish

Sweetpea5 Tue 18-Oct-11 20:45:07

Totally agree with nothingold. I loved being pregnant, hadnt a worry in the world. Turns out thats because I hadnt the first clue that having a baby would change my life really all that much. Yes, I am a bit thick blush Whereas, you are sensibly realising that there will be a change and are starting to get your head round it now, which is a very good thing I think.

Btw I am on no3 now so I got used to all the changes fairly fast and love the whole mummy thing now (most of the time...!)

I spent 4 years ttc, and a)utterly hated being pg and b)had so many "what am I doing???!" moments throughout.
Don't worry. It's normal - it is a huge and lifechanging thing, if you weren't a bit nervous or worried I'd think you were more odd!
I found being 30wks onwards the hardest too - feeling uncomfortable, not sleeping properly, being sooooooo bored of not going out and not drinking, it's rubbish.
DD is 7 weeks old. She is AWESOME and I can't imagine my life without her now, even though it's hard work and tiring and OMG, the responsibility weighing on your shoulders is immense - but one smile and it all goes. Don't worry about doing everything right, you can only do what's right for you and your new family.
You're going to be a great mum smile congratulations and good luck x

goodnightmoon Tue 18-Oct-11 20:53:03

i totally understand, and I even did have really awful ttc problems/miscarriages, etc. for years.

after finally getting a successful pregnancy off the ground, i freaked out in a similar way around 24 weeks, wondering if i was making a terrible mistake and just wasn't meant to be a mum. My son is 3 now and i am so grateful to have him and to have experienced being a parent.

Now i'm 31 weeks along with another, against-all-odds pregnancy and I've had a few more serious spells of panic about the responsibility and yet more changes in my life that are being made largely without my control.

i feel like my body is in tatters, i don't want another career break, and i can barely contemplate the broken nights and breastfeeding again after the nightmare it was with my son for the first several months (later improved massively and I BF him for more than a year.)

one thing not mentioned much here is how important it is to draw upon the help of others in this motherhood lark. I simply don't know how i would do it if i had an unhelpful husband and didn't have a wonderful mother in law and sister in law that frequently volunteer to whisk my son away for the day or days.

Not everyone has that of course, but in that case you need to find a great babysitter and other childcare outlets.

You also DO need to make the time to get back to your running and sport, and other things that will help you feel your life has some balance. Make sure your husband is on board with this!

Even after three years as a mum, I can readily acknowledge that I am not and simply won't ever be the perfect, attentive mother who is delighted to be with her children at all time. I love my son but I also love going to work and doing a job that gives me huge satisfaction. Being a mum is a huge part of me but it has not wiped out my need for a career, daily exercise, quiet time alone, naps, and all the rest that makes me who i've always been and likely always will be.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Tue 18-Oct-11 21:22:42

totslly normal. even while pushing out both DD and DS I shouted out that I thought we'd made a massive mistake. Now I wouldn't change them for the world grin

LoveInAColdGrave Wed 19-Oct-11 11:24:15

Thank god for this thread. I was worried that I was some terrible, vile freak for feeling like this blush.

QuiltySecrets Wed 19-Oct-11 11:57:39

This thread has really helped me! I'm 39 weeks and totally panicking - about giving birth and then the massive responsibility that lies ahead...for the rest of my life. And I know it sounds really selfish, but we're going to be on a much reduced budget and that makes me worried about how I will afford to do anything fun. I think it is just that feeling that life is going to change so hugely! But I agree with Sweetpea5 and nothingold - I'd rather do my worrying now in advance than find it all a total shock when the baby arrives.

StickyGhost Wed 19-Oct-11 12:26:20

Also want to add thank god for this thread, I'm having daily meltdowns at 40+4 and just want it all to go away and not to be pregnant and not to be having a child. Glad this is normal and things do get better.
Loving the triathlon inspiration katekate, knowing things like this will again be possible is very comforting.

Treats Wed 19-Oct-11 13:31:04

totally identify with this feeling too - and 35 weeks with DC2. Just a note of caution - although I agree with all the previous posters - don't expect that the feeling will go away as soon as the baby is placed in your arms. It took me a long time to bond with DD and to fully accept the new responsibility of being a mum. I had some days of feeling really resentful and hemmed in and regretting it, and I've spent quite a lot of this pregnancy feeling anxious about what I'm going to take on.

But your life changes to adapt to the baby - your social life will change, your routine will change, your priorities will change - and you will eventually find a new kind of life that you're just as happy leading as the one you lead now. It can be quite cleansing, getting rid of commitments that were becoming burdensome!

I think the worst thing is that you don't know exactly HOW or WHAT will be different when the baby comes, which is what makes it such a leap of faith. You wouldn't be human if it didn't make you anxious.

fraktious Wed 19-Oct-11 13:45:33

I felt that and still do some moments (DS is now 6mo). It's normal, it's you adapting to the change and I firmly believe that everyone does need to freak out a bit because it's your brain processing the immensity of what's happening.

trilottie Wed 19-Oct-11 16:00:08

Aww thanks for having the courage to put into words what many of us are internally panicking about!
I am in exactly the same boat (username kind of gives it away), am still cycling and swimming but not running.
I've got a pregnancy yoga dvd that came through today that I plan on doing on the days when i'm too exhausted to go out but feel guilty about not doing anything.
I am also planning ahead and anticipating that yes, I expect in the first few months/year I won't be able to get out much but DH knows I'll want to do stuff so we have discussed training without each other/swimming while the other one plays in the shallow end/getting a running buggy etc etc.
I'm also looking forward to long walks on my maternity leave. I think this is all because we have friends who's babies are just perfect angels who are no problem at all and who are talking about training for triathlons 6 months post birth. Sods law that mine won't be like that at all!

Mimatchin Wed 19-Oct-11 19:20:40

I understand what you feel but you'll just organize your activities differently and I am sure you'll never regret.

notlettingthefearshow Wed 19-Oct-11 19:36:00

Remember you won't be pregnant forever! You will be able to resume at least some of your actitivities after the baby is born. As others say, it's an adjustment, and I think having some things that you want to do yourself is very important and will keep you sane and keep you you, IYSWIM.

I am missing late nights out / long days out as I just don't have the energy. Also, wine!

HanaC Fri 21-Oct-11 19:26:04

Totally understand this. It didn't really hit me properly until about 25-26 weeks but I think it's perfectly normal and sane. I would guess (well for me anyway) that it's to do with 1) being more realistic and aware of the life that you will be losing 2) being a bit control freaky and panicking because you don't yet have the reassurance of knowing what your new life will be like. I do have glimmers of looking forward to it, so just trying to hold on to them. Don't feel guilty - I'm sure you'll be fine.

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