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Just told my mother I am pregnant again and got exactly the response I expected <gloom>

(43 Posts)
FrannyandZooey Sat 15-Oct-11 14:03:52

I had been putting it off as I knew what it would be like. I am 40, we have 2 lovely boys of 8 and 3, and I am expecting another in April. Me and dp are solvent, in good health etc, no reason why we should not choose to have another child.

I rang my (narcissistic) mother today to tell her, and she just said "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God." for about 2 minutes. At this point I thought she had had enough time to be an arse, and said "this is the bit where you say 'congratulations'." Cue another 2 mins of "Oh my God. Well I was not expecting you to say that. Oh my God. You have knocked the wind out of my sails. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God."

Other gems I saw coming a mile off: "Where will you put it?" (we currently co-sleep with ds2, but we have a good-sized bedroom with 2 big futons), "So you've have to stop feeding ds2" (er, no, why?). I wasn't expecting "You will have to move house" (we've got a smallish house but it has 3 bedrooms) or "Do you think you will get really fat again?" (yes probably, who cares ffs?)

Afterwards I felt it was exactly as I expected - dp can't imagine why she reacted like this, but it's because it's not what she personally would have chosen for us to do (fuck knows why, she had 3 children herself), and anyone making choices different to what she would have chosen, is not to be tolerated - she takes it as a complete shock and a personal insult. I know she will stew on it and find some other charming things to say, to show her displeasure.

I am just going over it really, I know there is nothing anyone can say to fix it, but some sympathy or support would be appreciated...

cjbartlett Sat 15-Oct-11 14:07:32

ooh F&Z congratulations!

ignore your mother!

FrannyandZooey Sat 15-Oct-11 14:13:16

thank you very much!

I am, but it is depressing me: a) how I could predict her reaction so accurately and b) how I hardly even felt upset by it

I am feeling upset about not feeling upset? that's bollocks
well it has pissed me off anyway, I needed to talk it over

Crosshair Sat 15-Oct-11 14:15:55


Mothers are mental!

Geordieminx Sat 15-Oct-11 14:16:44

Ooooh not seen you here ages! Think of all the new things for a baby wnaky basket!

RandomMess Sat 15-Oct-11 14:18:20

Oh congratulations F&Z but like you said she's narcissistic, it's all about her.

Perhaps you should a version of buzz word bingo and predict what other gems she will come out with grin

It is very tough coming to terms with your parents just not parenting you really isn't it sad

FrannyandZooey Sat 15-Oct-11 14:18:31

it will have the finest wnaky basket known to man, you can be sure of that grin

I have been tempted back by that naughty OliviaMN. She is a bad lady.

pinkyp Sat 15-Oct-11 14:18:45

Ru my sister? Lol. Congratulations!!!! Bollocks to your mum grin

TapTapTapPenny Sat 15-Oct-11 14:20:31


And mucho sympathy on the catsbumface reaction from your mother.

All I can suggest is channeling your ire toward making a list of ways to disengage. Like see/speaking to her less, and pretending you are about to go out when she phones, and 'accidentally' sending her emails to your spam folder.

And every time she pisses you off (even if just thinking about her) immediately go and do something nice yourself/dp/dses.

And vent freely - it will help, though sadly you're right, it won't fix her.

But again - congrats! smile

EsmeWeatherwax Sat 15-Oct-11 14:20:46

Congratulations! My father's reactions to all three of my pregnancies have been the same...Oh fuck, well ah'm no lookin after it for you! No, you're right there dad.

My mother, when I told her about dd1 said I'd be a crap mother because I'm nothing like her. You can spot the irony almost straight away...

blueskydrinking Sat 15-Oct-11 14:22:27

My mother is bonkers too... and it bothers me that she bothers me.... it's all very complicated!!

Lots of sympathy and congratulations smile

FrannyandZooey Sat 15-Oct-11 14:23:04

Random yes you have it in one. Thank you actually for summing it up. She was a good mother in many ways, but as a teenager and adult she has been abysmal. It has taken me years to even start to come to terms with the fact she is never going to be there for me emotionally, to support me, to approve of me or to think about my feelings and needs instead of hers. At first I thought it must be me, I was such a crap person (and I was absolutely a mess and my life was screwed up), but then when I sorted myself out and still no approval!! sadTook me a long time to begin to accept this is the way it's going to be.

NormaSatansFelcher Sat 15-Oct-11 14:25:09

Oh Franny, congrats! Lovely news. How did Olivia get you back here? ((nosey))

Thzumbazombiewitch Sat 15-Oct-11 14:26:26

Congratulations F&Z! not sure if this will make you feel any better but when I told my Mum I was pg with my DS, she said "Oh no, now I'll have 6 grandchildren". Gee thanks Mum. I think she'd have been happier if I'd said I was having kittens. But on the other hand she was probably quite pleased for me, just not exactly renowned for her tact and diplomacy when dealing with me.

As it turned out, she never did get 6 grandchildren - she died while I was still pg with DS, so she never met him.

NormaSatansFelcher Sat 15-Oct-11 14:26:37

Crappy about your mum though sad

RandomMess Sat 15-Oct-11 14:27:13

Narcissistic Mother Bingo Game...

Perhaps I should create it, there must be a huge market for it grin

Enjoy your new bundle of newborn and a larger family smile

FrannyandZooey Sat 15-Oct-11 14:28:11

thanks all sorry can't keep up with replies
sorry to hear this sounds familiar to many of you

TapTapTap we don't have a lot of contact really, she would be quite happy to speak to me less I think. I am just going to try to continue along the same tack, which is to pretend that she is reacting like a normal, happy grandmother, and ignore all the disapproving / sulking - I can't engage with her behaviour without ending up screaming about all the hurts of the last 20 years, so I will just try to Pollyanna her to death grin (was ruddy hard on the phone though to be going "I know! isn't it lovely?!", when someone is saying "my god. Oh my god. Oh my god" in tones more suited to terrible news....)

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 15-Oct-11 14:28:19

Meh to your mother. And many congratulations to you.

FrannyandZooey Sat 15-Oct-11 14:29:26

Norma she restarted the 10/10 thread and facebooked me a link to it
sneaky cow, I had to check in to see what they were all up to wink

ladyintheradiator Sat 15-Oct-11 14:33:44

Congratulations! smile

I have 2 children and my mother is constantly telling me not to have another. It's not like I have said I even would like to have a baby (I sort of would, but not planning to - DC2 is only just 1 anyway - so it's not as though I'm inviting her opinion)

Anyway much sympathy, what you say about your mum being a good mother but emotionally absent rings bells with me. My mum was great really, until I suppose dealing with me became a little more difficult. No words of wisdom but I'd be telling myself she will get over it, shame she chooses to be negative at lovely news, but ultimately it's her life she is making miserable.

And yes! To making your choices seem like some kind of personal insult. My mum didn't have three children, so if I were to do so it's like I'm saying she did it wrong! FFS!

Sossiges Sat 15-Oct-11 14:34:06

Congrats! I think it's great that you are not upset by her. Did she said "Oh my God" like Janice does on Friends, "OH MY GOD!!!!*

TapTapTapPenny Sat 15-Oct-11 14:34:19

Oh God yes, Pollyanna-ing is a great way to go.

And next doom-filled conversation say 'Oh. Oh. Er. Well if you feel that way we'll have to reconsider, because we were going to name it after you but if that's how you feel I don't think it's appropriate.....' It may make her rein it the fuck in. And then don't name it after her with the excuse of your choice - like 'well, he just doesn't look like a Barbara.'

I'm sorry you're sad about her crapness. I've had similar situations where I've had to sternly say to myself 'Give it up - x will never change, it's their loss.' So I can understand, a bit. Disheartening, innit?

ladyintheradiator Sat 15-Oct-11 14:35:05

And my mum was very 'oh my god' with both of my pregnancies, didn't think I was the 'type' (I could let it slide with DC1 but really mum, after having a baby I'm still somehow not the type?) shock

poppycat04 Sat 15-Oct-11 14:37:56

Congratulations! And what a crap response from your mum sad

belgo Sat 15-Oct-11 14:40:18

Congratulations! Good to see you back here.

I have three children, it is hard work but fun.

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