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Scared partner

(11 Posts)
Basse Sat 08-Oct-11 12:43:04

Hi everyone. To my surprise I found out that I was pregnant last week. I had only come off the pill the month before and had expected it to take a lot longer (I am in my mid-30s). Sadly what should have been a huge cause for joy is starting to feel like a curse because I have realised that my partner is not at all ready for this. I am starting to realise that he only agreed for me to come off the pill because he knew it was very important to me - but he did not tell me or probably himself what he really felt. He has been in a state of shock ever since we found out and keeps saying that he has lost me and that his happiness is over. It's all very dramatic and horrible and I don't know what to with this reaction. Obviously he thought he would have a lot longer to get his head around the idea - as did I! Had I realised how not prepared he was for this, I would have stayed on the pill. We have a very good happy life together so there are no problems in the relationship itself.

I would really appreciate if members were able to share their experiences if they've been through something similar as I am starting to feel really down and I don't want to be-I should be happy and able to enjoy this amazing gift! Thanks everyone.

themightyskim Sat 08-Oct-11 13:09:44

Im not going through that situation exactly but my partner has just turned off if that helps? hes not been un interested, thats not fair to him, but less than excited is probably a better description

we went for our 12 week scan yesterday and I felt his hand creep in to mine, I also saw a few sneaky tears, he said that since hes seen it things seem so much more real- perhaps your partner will settle a bit once hes seen the baby

The other idea that popped in to my head is perhaps you need to sit him down and ask him about whats got him so frightened so that you can try and work through it together, I think as a mum we shit ourselves and pull ourselves together at the same time, we have the baby inside us we dont have much choice but for some dads its more the fear of the unknown if that makes sense?

Take a deep breath, enjoy what you can, your pregnant and its an amazing time hormones aside, come on here for some cheer leading and fingers crossed your OH will start to see the light very soon smile

CitizenOscar Sat 08-Oct-11 13:12:39

Similar thing happened to me - came off pill, pregnant immediately, DH not quite ready. Prob not as strong as your DP but he was v scared about the effect on our relationship, the birth, his social life.

We talked a lot. I also told him it was upsetting that he was only focused on the negatives and not about all the exciting things about becoming a family.

In the end, he needed a bit of time to get used to it, he talked to some male friends with babies and I tried not to argue too much about it. We'd agreed to have a baby so as far as I was concerned he just had to get his head round it, and I needed to give him time to do it.

In terms of being scared about the birth itself, I booked us into hypnobirthing classes, which worked wonders in calming DH down so he felt like he could help with the birth. In the end, he was great.

I can't really advise you as such because only you really know your DP and your relationship and how serious his worries are and what your options are.

Good luck.

Crosshair Sat 08-Oct-11 13:18:22

I think everyone goes through a 'omg what have I done' moment, especially at the start. It can be scary and I hope he gets used to the idea fairly soonish. Make sure to keep talking to each other about feelings and worries.

I found my partner started to get excited at the first scan as for him that made it seem more real.

Basse Sat 08-Oct-11 13:44:26

Thanks everyone! Good to know you're not alonesmile

edwinbear Sat 08-Oct-11 13:56:14

I married DH knowing he didn't want children. I thought I would be OK without kids but as I got older I realised how important it was to me to have a family, it took 2 years to talk DH around and I felt awful as he had been totally up front and honest about it from the start. When I fell pregnant (5 months after we started trying) DH struggled with it. He has never been the most attentive when I'm pregnant (I'm now expecting DC2), for example he was never interested in feeling the baby kick or asked how midwife appts went. However, he was/is fantastic in other ways - he won't let me carry bags of shopping, goes out to run errands, looks after DS and suggests I have a nap if I'm tired, basically if there is anything practical he can do, he will. Despite his reluctance, he is also a fantastic father even though he does find it hard work at times. DC2 was unplanned, and although we were both very shocked he has been very supportive in his own way. Give him some space and some time and I'm sure it will all work out OK.

Savoir Sat 08-Oct-11 13:59:24

You poor thing!

If it helps, my exp seems to be that partners do go through these stages - but at different times! Take my husband: the opposite to your partner and Crosshair's. We didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly either - but at the beginning, he was radiating excitement and happiness etc.... right up until the 12-week scan! That's when he starting freaking out. Seeing the baby on the screen and realising that YES, THIS REALLY WAS HAPPENING, knocked him for six. Took him a few weeks to get back on track, but he is ok now.

That said, if your partner's attitude doesn't change after the first scan, I'd consider more drastic action. Before we conceived, my husband was seeing a counsellor for (unrelated!) anxiety issues, and a few sessions really made the world of difference to his overall outlook.

hubbahubster Sat 08-Oct-11 17:36:27

Lost you? Happiness over? He's more bound to you than ever and you'll be able to share something that no one else can share - all those cute moments when your baby first recognises you and smiles, holds your finger tightly...

My DH always wanted kids, I didn't, so the boot was on the other foot. I was kinda gutted when I found out that I was pregnant, even though it was planned and I'd been devastated by a MMC previously. I was terrified about my life changing forever. But the relief when I saw the healthy 12 week scan... I hope it's the same for your DP. Sure, there are days when I think that life was simpler and more carefree without a baby, but the bond he gives me with DH and the way he melts my heart when I hold him and think about the future when DH can play football with him - it's irreplaceable. Please just be as honest with your DP as he has been with you and hopefully he'll realise that he needs to be giving you support right now. Good luck!

redexpat Sun 09-Oct-11 03:39:54

I'm not in the UK so don't know if you have the same option here, but there are courses for parents to be to address teh relationship side of things. Sometimes it's just one afternoon, others it's 3 evenings. Is there anything like that where you are?

beginnersluck Sun 09-Oct-11 05:58:49

same thing happened to me. It was horrendous - especially when combined with pregnancy hormones! At about 19 weeks he started showing signs of looking forward to it all. Hang in there!

Basse Sun 09-Oct-11 08:39:15

Thanks everyone for your words of support. I feel a lot more positive now - I will give him time and make sure we continue talking, and hopefully this will be ok. smile

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