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pregnant with no4 husband does not want it

(11 Posts)
par05 Tue 04-Oct-11 08:16:50

Hi, Found out i was pregnant about 3 weekjs ago,and had a feeling i was further gone then i thought, as had a very light period last month. Then felt sick within few weeks of having period, did a hme preg test before due other period and it was pos.
Told my husband and he said no to having it straight away. i was on the pill and had been having funny periods plus was on antibiotics at the time.
Went for a scan yesterday and am 11wks and 5 days. Husband did not come with me, when i got back i told him i want to keep the baby and he went mad, breaking things and saying everyone will think we are stupid and uneducated.
We have 3 aged 8, 6, and 4 i want to keep this baby and really upset at his reaction, it was unplanned but i feel as if i can't not have it as i'm nearly 3mont. Please has anyone been in this situation, we are also indian and if my husband leaves my family will not be happy. help.

Northernlurker Tue 04-Oct-11 08:33:37

Are you safe at home at the moment? Whilst he was breaking things did you feel like he might attack you?

Lots of husbands freak out but making you physically afraid is not on and if that's what's happened here then you need to get out of the house for a bit. Could you go to friends or family? I know your family has certain expectations but they also love you and would not want you to be hurt either physically or emotionally I hope.

Ultimately you have to live with yourself. Marriages where one partner forces the other to abort are really in trouble. If YOU want to keep the baby then there will be a way to do that. If your husband chooses to allow that to push him away from his family then that is his choice and frankly his loss.

If you feel safe doing so tell your hsuband you want to keep the baby and then let him think about it a bit. If yo think that would not be a sfae thing to do atm then get out of the house and let everything calm down before having this conversation.

mumt1 Tue 04-Oct-11 08:40:00

I feel for you , I've been in a simular situation before. But it was my boyfriend and we we're only 18. He begged and begged for an abortion and even said if I dnt have one he never wants to see me or the baby. But no I new what was right and that was to keep the baby. And now we are a family and he has even said thankyou for not listening. So its ur decision and give him the option, if he doesn't want it then that's his choice. He doesn't have to have anything to do with it. 3 months is quite far gone in development. You say your indian, does that make your family against abortions ? Just I no some cultures are. X

Debs75 Tue 04-Oct-11 08:47:56

He sounds like he is afraid of what others will think of your family. It isn't stupid or uneducated to have a larger family. I have 4 and will be going to Uni soon so I'm definitely not stupid. Having this child could show others how committed you are to each other and how as a family you are really happy. His reaction may seem like he feels otherwise now but you may just have to give him time to get to grips with the news.

If he gets violent toward you then you need to decide if you are safe in the house.

As for him leaving the family, won't it look worse on him to leave his pregnant wife and family. He also has to realise that pushing you into an abortion could break the family up as he is forcing you to do something you are so against

Sandra2011 Tue 04-Oct-11 09:49:53

But you also have to think about this from his point.
4 kids is loads to support.

It's not an easy situation to be.

localcrackpot Tue 04-Oct-11 11:59:01

If you feel safe, give him an earful. You were using contraception, it's not like you planned it without him. At three months you might well feel you already have four children... So I can understand why you wouldn't want to abort, but obviously it's your massive decision. If I were in your position I'd be giving DH what for for treating me like the villain - I'd say it's a hell of a shock to me but I'd no more get rid of this one than the other 3, I'd been taking the pill but he's welcome to get snipped too...
WRT being Indian, is there any way you can find support within the community? Would your MIL be pleased at the thought of #4? If so, I'm sure you could pop round to hers to help out/visit (what a great DIL etc etc) and casually mention you've been feeling sick/swollen ankles/whatever symptoms. If she gets gooey over no.4 she'll be on your side. I don't want to say undermine yourhusband, but use what support you can get.
Good luck smileIf you feel safe, give him an earful. You were using contraception, it's not like you planned it without him. At three months you might well feel you already have four children... So I can understand why you wouldn't want to abort, but obviously it's your massive decision. If I were in your position I'd be giving DH what for for treating me like the villain - I'd say it's a hell of a shock to me but I'd no more get rid of this one than the other 3, I'd been taking the pill but he's welcome to get snipped too...
WRT being Indian, is there any way you can find support within the community? Would your MIL be pleased at the thought of #4? If so, I'm sure you could pop round to hers to help out/visit (what a great DIL etc etc) and casually mention you've been feeling sick/swollen ankles/whatever symptoms. If she gets gooey over no.4 she'll be on your side. I don't want to say undermine yourhusband, but use what support you can get.
Good luck smile

par05 Tue 04-Oct-11 17:05:58

Hi thanks to the replys. Mumt1 having abortions is not against our culture in india alot of couple tend to abort if they have girls. which is very unfortunate.
My dh thinks its easy to go through and that it won't affect me.
Localcrackpot my mil is in india, and i don't really get on with her.
she would be the first person to have a go at me and tell me not to have it!
When we went to india not long after my 3rd child was born, my husbands aunty and my mil told me not to have anymore so no support from his side.
i feel if i don't have this child i will regret it.
Dh and i haven't talked much todayexcept when he asked me have i changed my descsion, i said no have you changed yours, he said you know what my feelings are on the subject. I'm trying to carry on as normal because of the children.

par05 Tue 04-Oct-11 17:11:18

I understand that it will be harder financially but we both support the family me more than him at the moment, he is looking for work at the mo.
I just want him to accept the situation and not make me out to be the one to destroy his life which he says i am doing by having this baby.
As he is the one who has to deal with people saying nasty things to him about the size of our family?!!

notlettingthefearshow Tue 04-Oct-11 17:13:54

It's not unreasonable that he doesn't want the baby but his reaction is totally unreasonable. Talk to him again when he's calm.

I'm afraid I don't agree that it's entirely your choice. I know it's not his body, but it would be his baby as much as yours and he would be the father for life. It's a huge responsibility. You should do your utmost to agree on this one.

By the way if the marriage is shaky anyway, I'm not sure bringing another child into it would help. IMO.

Northernlurker Tue 04-Oct-11 18:13:10

The whole 'destroy my life' thing is so emotive and just doesn't work as an argument in this scenario anyway. If you abort a child you want to 'preserve' your dh's life you may well be utterly stuffing up your own. There's no wa to go with that argument. If you do not want to abort then you and dh need to talk together about how this can work. Can you take the minimum maternity leave and get back to work with him doing stay at home duties for a bit? Can he contemplate that?

spookshowangellovesit Tue 04-Oct-11 21:25:31

blimey you cant have and abortion if you dont want one, just like you cant be made to keep a baby you dont want.
if your husband was this adamant about no more children one of you should have taken more permanent steps.
he is entitled to his opinion but i dont think he is going about it in a very mature way. you can only do what you feel in right op. good luck i hope it works out for you.

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