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SIL due to drop, and I worried at how unprepared she seems

(49 Posts)
LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 20:42:41

as above. Few days to go, and I don't know if it's just me, but I am worried about how little preparation she has done (not wrt buying things, but learning things)

*She complained she couldn't find baby themed pillowcases for the babies pillow? I thought you weren't supposed to give pillows or duvets til 1 yo?

*When I mentioned feet-to-foot she had no idea, and seemed aghast that you would put a baby at the bottom of the cot, not at the top

*Didn't realise the hospital wouldn't just let you walk out the door with the baby (in response as to whether they had practiced fitting the car seat into the car) - she said "if they don't let me take the baby, i'll ring the police"...yes, and the police are going to let an un-restrained baby travel in a car?

*She has not been to a midwife appt since about 26/28 weeks

Why not do a BIT of research? It's her first.

Gincognito Sat 01-Oct-11 20:47:14

Not sure. I was very prepared and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a gibbering wreck of musts and shoulds and pnd for the first six months.

Otoh SIDS guidelines save lives so I'm not sure why you wouldn't at least inform yourself so that you're making conscious decisions?

She sounds like she has her head buried in the sand. Is she stressed? Why isn't she being seen by the mw?

LittleWhiteWolf Sat 01-Oct-11 20:51:25

All you can do is give her the information w/regards to SIDS safety guidelines and hope she listens. Although that is a mws duty...am confused as to why no-ones been to see her for so long? Am not sure how appropriate it would be or if you'd get anywhere, but could you ring her mw/dr and raise concerns?

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 21:02:54

I did speak with her at the time, about feet-to-foot, back-to-sleep etc. Thing is, I am also preg with my first, and dont want to be seen as a 'you should do x,y,z" type person.

She has recently moved, at least half hour away and her reasoning for not seeing MW is that she "can't be arsed to traipse all that way on the bus" for the MW to do the same stuff over and over again. I did ask why she hasn't registered near her is "well, Im nearly done now, arent I".

Her mum, sis and to some extent my DH all seem to be very much of the opinion of "it's SIL, that's just how she is, theres no telling her"

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 21:04:07

I do appreciate suggestions, but genuinley think calling her MW,DR would be overstepping the boundaries

MooseyMoo Sat 01-Oct-11 21:14:59

Could your DH say that the mw appts are v important to keep an eye on her health and his niece/nephew's. Also my mw wanted to know where I was going to give birth and notified them.

Must be v hard for you to not say anything. My sil was a month behind me and we were swopping info all the time. Still are now but I always say 'this is just my opinion'.

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 21:28:30

well, I just said how I was enjoying finding out about motherhood and said there's so much information out there, I like to read as much as I can and decide what will work for me, not to take it all as gospel, but just to make informed decisions.

I will speak to DH tomorrow about my concerns. His mum and other sis are coming for tea tomorrow, so I might just gently enquire about SIL and how she's getting on.

feelingratheroverwhelmed Sat 01-Oct-11 21:29:25

Some people are like this, not much you can do I'm afraid. It seems to be those who think maternal instinct counts for everything and that doing any reading / research is unecessary, and think that weaning at 3 months because "they can tell the baby wants food" is ok.

Sorry I know that sounds really bitchy, but being from the opposite camp myself (too paranoid to follow my instinct, not a good way to be either!) I get it from my family too!

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 21:37:47

Im just very much of the Scout approach - its best to be prepared. It is alien to me that someone wouldn't pick up a book or visit mumsnet a website for guidance

I do see many many differences in the way we are going to face motherhood (neither of us will be "correct iyswim, just different),I suppose I will have to leave her to do it her way (whilst subtly steering her away from any major concerns --baby pillow indeed--)

pocketfullofposies Sat 01-Oct-11 21:39:46

She needs to see a midwife.

But you do sound like your bitching a little bit. Sorry.

I never put mine feet to foot btw - i never used loose blankets so didn't need to.

She's 39 weeks PG, and hasn't had her blood pressure done for three months? shock

No-one has checked if the baby is head-first or feet first?

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 22:04:13

Boulevard I know! I knew I was right to be concerned. As I say MIL is coming over tomorrow, will chat with her then

ChippingIn Sat 01-Oct-11 22:09:53

Well - she's going to be on a huge learning curve isn't she. I would definitely talk to your other SIL and your MIL & share your concerns with them. If anything was to happen to the baby through her lack of sense information, you would feel even worse if you hadn't told them your concerns.

You don't sound like you are bitching at all.

pocketfullofposies Sat 01-Oct-11 22:13:44

Glad you don't think it's bitching chippingin. I'd like to think it's not either.

It's just phrases like "Why not do a BIT of research?" that make me think that.

One thing you'll find when you have your baby, OP, is that people are VERY keen to judge you when you have children. You will be judged no matter how well prepared/informed you think you are.

I'd be concerned about (some of) the things you mention too. But it's always better to come from a position of support rather than criticism.

You'll get things 'wrong' too.

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 22:14:10

Thanks chip and I was thinking if anything did happen, I would feel awful. Thanks for putting my mind at (a bit of) rest

piprabbit Sat 01-Oct-11 22:14:32

Could you lend her your copy of the Emma's Diary book?

notlettingthefearshow Sat 01-Oct-11 22:16:42

What's her partner's take on this? Has anyone spoken to him? It's his baby as much as hers and he should be taking responsibility for preparing for the birth and parenthood. I'd speak to hime before anyone else.

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 22:22:31

well, this is his fifth (others aged 10,12,14 and 21) and he is very much in the "meh, women have been having babies for centuries" camp. Maybe she is relying on him knowing everythng, with it being something he's done before, but in all honesty, things seem to have changed so much over the last few years

pocketfullofposies Sat 01-Oct-11 22:30:09

It always amuses me when an OP only acknowledges certain posts grin

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 22:33:45

rest assured pocket, I am reading them all. I am only commenting on some of them. WRT your previous post, I was tempted respond by saying "SIL has clearly stated that she is wanting to use a duvet, and so there would be loose covers, hence me explaining feet-to-foot to her". However I did not respond to your post as what I wanted to say sounded bitchy. I did not, nor do I want to come across as one.

notlettingthefearshow Sat 01-Oct-11 22:35:13

Oh right! He sounds a bit lazy. Is he not planning to be involved in the baby's care at all? He should at the very least remember the importance of car seats and have some awareness of cot death. It's a shame he's not giving her more support and help her learn from his experience. Maybe she would listen to him. That would still be my first port of call.

It's too late to join antenatal classes or start doing lots of reading, but you could highlight what you think are the most important things to know about the baby's safety, either talking about it or passing on some leaflets you found useful. With it being so late, you might just have to hope she gets all this info at hospital and the midwife and health visitor follow ups. She might feel more open to info and support when the baby is born, and equally her partner might remember all the routines like bathing and putting to bed. I don't think it particularly matters if they are not tuned in to up to the minute information as long as they have common sense - in a few years the guidelines will have changed again based on some new research!

pocketfullofposies Sat 01-Oct-11 22:39:00

Do you have a good relationship with her? Is it possible some if this stuff isn't actually true?

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 22:41:37

yes, I would say we get on well. All of the above is true, or as true as in she has told me all of this. I can't tell if you are implying that I am lying or that she might be?

pocketfullofposies Sat 01-Oct-11 22:44:09

I'm not implying you're lying, no. Just wondering if she's just brushing you off saying any old thing because she doesn't want to engage in conversation.

LikeACandleButNotQuite Sat 01-Oct-11 22:48:31

maybe. She did invite me round though, and initiate a conversation on pregnancy and how little time was left for her to go, so you can see how the topic arose.

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