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Pregnancy

is it odd that DP hasn't been to any midwife appointments?

90 replies

kiki22 · 29/09/2011 12:04

I have a friend that is due about a month after me and is insisting that her DH comes to every single scan docs or midwife appointment with her and she can't believe DP hasn't been to these with me basically said in not so many words so he can't be bothered going, was totally godsmacked when i said he wouldn't be coming to our 20 week scan.

I don't really see what the big deal is tbh the midwife appointments have all been at 10am meaning he would have to take a half day off work everytime which he wouldn't be paid for and our 20 week scan was our 4th and we'd had a private one a couple of weeks before so when he was offered a homer worth 300 quid we decided he would work and miss the scan (we're going for another private at 30 weeks ish).

we are buying our first house and having a baby so we need the money at the moment and i just don't think it's worth losing the money so he can come watch a midwife test my urine n take my blood pressure, scan wise £300 goes along way and he's already seen 3 scans and we knew the sex.

i personally don't think it's a big deal is it just me?

OP posts:

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VivaLeBeaver · 29/09/2011 12:07

I don't think its odd at all. Infact I would say its more unusual for a bloke to come to very appt.

pinkyp · 29/09/2011 12:07

No it's not a big deal I agree. I would be shocked if dh hadn't been to any scans but he has so no YANBU.

BUT

Why so many private scans if your trying to save money?

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 12:08

Well the 20 week scan is the anomaly one so that one is really pretty important. What if something is wrong? That's why people usually want their partner at that one because it's something you would need to think about together.

I don't understand the point about private scans because you said you paid for one, then £300 goes a long way, then you're having another one. Why are you having another one if you can't afford it?

hanahsaunt · 29/09/2011 12:28

I've had 4 and dh didn't come to a single midwife appointment, ever. Why would he? He came to most of my scans i.e. every one that he could but I think there were 2 he simply couldn't make and so I went on my own; it's fine.

kiki22 · 29/09/2011 12:30

we aren't paying for the next private one DP mum is paying for it because she really wants a 3d one so i'm more than happy to go along and get scanned. The first was a joint birthday pressie for us both as we have birthdays a week apart was so good MIL decided there and them she wanted a 3d one later and would be paying for it.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 29/09/2011 12:31

Mine came to both scans, he came to one MW appointment because he happened to be free, but it can't have been much fun for him as the MW basically ignored him! I didn't ask him to come to any more after that.

notcitrus · 29/09/2011 12:32

Most people I know the father has come to the 20-week scan and that's usually it unless they happen to have very flexible work - that's what MrNC did first time round. This time he gave me a lift for the 12-wk scan and came to that too. I've got a MW appt right after my 20-week scan but he'll probably head home instead after if all is OK, as he'll be working from home and anxious to get on.

If I was a high-risk pregnancy he might be more involved but as it is I'm not doing well but the baby is fine.

Not sure why you're having so many scans or paying for them - are you not in the UK or something?

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 29/09/2011 12:33

Not at all, tbh why would he need to go to the me Appts? The only appt I would have told dh he had to come to was the amnio and that was to support me and help make a decision as a couple.

WipsGlitter · 29/09/2011 12:33

Mine came to the 20 week scans and that was it.

maxpower · 29/09/2011 12:33

I expected DH to come to the scans (both pgs) but not to the mw appts. TBH, they aren't that exciting, bp and pee on a stick....

eaglewings · 29/09/2011 12:35

Agree DP doesn't need to be at 20 week scan if you have already had so many.

Would be more concerned about your mum paying for a scan so she could see it. But then I think you should only have the smallest no of scans necessary so am perhaps a bit old fashioned

Dillydollydaydream · 29/09/2011 12:39

My DH only went to my 12 and 20 weeks scans. If we both happened to be off on the same day as my MW appointments he'd just wait outside. I didnt mind that he didn't come In to the appointments as he'd ask about how everything went.

I'm glad he was at my 20 week scan because they thought ds had a heart defect. We were there ages and had to go for a walk between scans to see whether it was just positioning. Then they were still concerned so we had to speak to a specialist MW about what to do next. I was a wreck but DH was great. Fortunately everything is now ok.

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 12:40

Private scans are just for looking though, the 20 week is the only one that actually looks for anomalies.

I would ask your mum if you can have the £300 rather than paying for a 3D scan at 30something weeks when she's going to see the actual baby in a few weeks but I had to have loads of scans because I had some problems so I probably have a bit of a negative take on them

spookshowangellovesit · 29/09/2011 12:41

never came to mw app unless he was free for them but always came to scans. i dont think its weird for a partner to want to be there btu i also dont think its weird for a partner to not either.

figgygal · 29/09/2011 12:42

DH has been to a couple of the midwife appointments but just because they are 5 minutes away from our house and he is self employed so has the flexibility to do so. He came to my 30 week one as i was having blood tests and Anti D just in case i had a funny reaction from either and didnt want to drive home. Other than that i dont see a need for them to be there really.

He came to the scans as they were all in the evenings (ended up having 4 due to dating scan being too early for the NT and then they couldnt get all views on the 20wk) he has a terrible sense of direction and needs the practice as i cant exactly drive myself there on the day.

nailak · 29/09/2011 12:42

no its not odd
as long as you are happy with it, who cares what anyone else does.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 29/09/2011 12:43

Mine came to the official scans but didn't come to any actual MW appointments. I didn't really need him for those, and they weren't worth taking leave from work to attend.

DuelingFanjo · 29/09/2011 12:45

I think scans are good to both be at but not midwife appointments.

kiki22 · 29/09/2011 12:54

It's DP mum paying for the scan not mine she says it's her first grandchild and wants to see him felt a bit wierd letting her pay at first but my Gran pointed out if thats what she wants to do and thats what makes her happy just let her do it so i am. we're not hard up enough to be asking anyone for cash so am happy to let her have her scan keeps her happy the family get to see the dvd which they love and i get to know bubas doing good.

reason for sp many scans is bleeding at 7 weeks was scanned 12 week scan private sexing scan then normal 20 week scan. checked with midwife n says to go ahead with 3d scan there very good so no issues havin more than normal.

OP posts:

BedHog · 29/09/2011 12:55

My DP has been to every single scan, but none of the midwife appointments. That seems to be what most of my friends do too.

Ciske · 29/09/2011 12:55

DP is a teacher and he can get time off for scans, but not for every midwife appointment. Or perhaps he can, but I don't think he wanted his colleagues to cover that many lessons for him. I don't think he needs to be at those either. The scans of course are great because you get to see the baby, but if it meant losing out on income, like your DP, I'm not sure he would have gone to them either.

I sounds like your DP is self employed and can't take paid time off, so it's logical that you become more pragmatic about these things. Your friend's DH might get paid time off and then of course it's a different issue.

kiki22 · 29/09/2011 13:06

both my DP and her DH are tradesmen however DP works for a big company and his contact doesn't give any paid time off and does not have his own van, friends DH has his own little company with 5 guys working for him so jumping in his van for appointments is no problem for him.

Obviously if DP could have come to 20 week scan he would have but we know my mum would come i am very close to her so he knew i'd be well supported with her there. as for midwife appointments i wouldn't even bother asking him to come if he could i'm in and out in 5 mins so seems daft to have anyone there my gran lives 3 mins walk from the doc office so if i fainted or anything she could always come get me.

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SoupDragon · 29/09/2011 13:08

Scan yes, midwife appointments no - he is not pregnant.

SoupDragon · 29/09/2011 13:11

However if you are happy with the scenario, then it really doesn't matter does it? only you can decide the correct balance between work/money and whether he attends a scan. I see you aren't going alone though, which is good. I think my mum came along to 2 of my assorted scans (across 3 children).

GwendolineMaryLacey · 29/09/2011 13:15

God no, mw appts are enough of a faff without dragging DH along! He's been to the 12 and 20 week scan but I have 2 growth scans booked and I'm not intending for him to come to those unless he particularly wants to.

I have a GTT booked in a couple of weeks, am very tempted to make him sit in the waiting room for 2 hours to amuse me though

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