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I don't know what to do . .

(18 Posts)
misslilly24 Tue 27-Sep-11 21:06:43

Hi everyone,

This is my first time with posting anything...

I'm 21 year old and found out I'm pregnant, and I don't know what to do.
I went to the doctors today and he confirmed that by looking a my test I am and to go back on Friday to do another test. He's thinks I am only around 4 weeks which I no is very early.

But I just don't know how I can cope not only having the baby, the stress on my body and how to look after it properly for the baby, but the birth and well raising a child. I'm so scared and have no one to talk to really about how I feel.

I am in a secure relationship with my partner, when the baby is born I will of been with him over 2 years and will be 22, he will be 26.
We both work full time, he's a scaffolder and I work for and engineering company. We rent a 3 bedroom house and have new car.

We do however have some debt and my partner is rubbish with cash, I'm so scared incase we can't afford it, if we will get in more debt, and I can't provide it with the lifestyle I want for it.
Also I have just started with my company, i'm nearly through my probation. But I don't want them to give up on me, and not bother training me because I'm pregnant. Then there is maternity leave, I don't know how long you are off for, what I would be paid, and when I do go back to work stuggle with child care.

I have no real immediate family as my parents will be moving abroad, so I would have no help in that respect either. Plus they would be so dispointed that I've ruined my career.

I also miscarried a few months ago, which was really sad, even though I wasn't planning a child. So the thought of having an abortion is horrible, so I would reluctunantly use that as a last resort.

I'm just not ready I don't think, I'm not married yet, I don't own my house and it would take even longer to clear debt and save for a deposit. Life would just be so different and that scares me.

Please help, I would appreciate any stories about your experiances.

Thanks L x

fuckityfuckfuckfuck Tue 27-Sep-11 21:10:23

I think all the things you're worried baout are normal things. But there is never a perfect time to have a child. But I do have 2 questions. How is it that you're had 2 unplanned pregnancies within a few months? That to me alone sugests that you DO want a baby. I may be wrong though. Secondly, if you are worried about debt why on earth do you have a 3 bedroom house when it's only the 2 of you? Again, I think that points to you actually wanting a family.

lifeistooshort Tue 27-Sep-11 21:14:59

You will be just fine. You are young and unless you have any medical conditions, your body will snap into shape. You already have the house, the jobs, the secure relationship which is pretty sorted for someone your age and you are asking yourself some questions. This to me tells me you are mature and although it is perhaps sooner than you hoped, you will be just fine. And a baby needs love and provided you have plenty of that to give, you will be one happy family.

How does your partner feel about potentially being a father?

misslilly24 Tue 27-Sep-11 21:19:39

I'm not on the pill or anything, so we just use condoms, which I guess your right if I was so adament about not wanting a child maybe practice a better contraception method, we weren't trying though or trying to be irresponisble,
before it looks like I was consiously avoiding contraception to fall pregnant to then have to put myself through and abortion. I guess we just got a little lapse on occasion.
In regards to the house, it was my partner who decided he wanted a bigger house lol, I wanted to down size to cut costs every where.

I just don't know I don't want to fail the child, or not be able to get the career i've always wanted to be able to provide for the child.

feekerry Tue 27-Sep-11 21:20:22

you'll be fine!
2 unplanned pregnancys in a few months i think indicates you really want this. i totally freaked out when i found out, but it passed a week or so later!!

congrats.x

misslilly24 Tue 27-Sep-11 21:22:08

He's scared same feelings as me, he doesn't want to fail it. He said he will support me with what ever I choose, but he doesn't want me to abort, he just says we will find a way. I know we would and people do but I just don't know where to start or how to get my head round it. Thanks for your help though. I mean you have the point where we do have a few things sorted, even if it is bad timing.

misslilly24 Tue 27-Sep-11 21:22:42

Can I ask when did you have your children? And thanks! x

AKMD Tue 27-Sep-11 21:23:11

Have a hug, you sound really shocked. First things first, does your DP know? What are his thoughts?

I had DS when I was just 22 too and DH was 25. I was very nervous about telling my parents but they have been the most wonderful grandparents and were so excited when we told them the news. Being a parent is fantastic, I love DS, have made a great start to my career despite an early break while I took maternity leave and even though I am young, I feel like I make pretty good decisions most of the time.

There are laws about how employers handle pregnant employees. For a start, you don't have to tell them until you are 15 weeks pregnant and they cannot discriminate against you for being pregnant or taking maternity leave. I had also just started with the company I work for and was worried about my manager's reaction but he was brilliant. I went on a £5000 training course at 30 weeks.

You and your DP really need to sit down and talk about this. If he isn't good with money, you have 36 weeks or so to sort that out together. My local council offer free training sessions on how to manage money. Work out a budget together and ask the Citizen's Advice Bureau to help you work out a plan to pay off as much of your debt before the baby arrives as possible. It sounds as though you see you and your DP having a long-term future together so take steps now to make sure that happens.

Make an appointment to see a midwife as soon as possible. They are very used to seeing women for whom pregnancy is mixed news and will be able to offer you support and explore your options.

To me, it sounds like a congratulations is in order smile thanks

countydurhamlass Tue 27-Sep-11 21:27:29

hi,

i was 25 when i became pregnant with my dd who is now 8. we planned it but it was still a big thing when it happened so i am sure its an even bigger thing for you! i hadnt long finished uni and my now dh was self employed with about £20,000 worth of debt. we put it off for a couple of years because we didnt think we could afford it but then one day we thought "if we can't afford it now we never will" so we began trying. We then spent the next five years getting straight - no social life apart from the odd meal out and a few friends round our house for drinks etc now and then. We are now in a much better financial place and are able to make up for the "lost years" but it was so worth it. I work part time now and dh works full time. i am fortunate to have my parents to help me some of the time and the rest dd goes to a childminder's.

you dont own your own house but that's not such a big deal, many people dont or at least at first they dont! We bought our house four months before my ds was born. having a baby does get you thinking about money, it makes you realise where your wasted money goes and makes you watch the pennies, its surprising how much we wasted until ds came along!

In relation to income/maternity allowance have a look at the government website or got to CAB, they are really helpful. You need to be clear about what you want when telling your employers (if you decide not to have an abortion). the clearer you are the more likely they will be happy to accomodate you if they can. having a child does not mean the end of your career if that is what you still want.

dont worry about what ifs, the only question at the moment is do you want to have the baby? yes or no. all the other questions will be answered in time when the midwife etc become involved with you.

Firawla Tue 27-Sep-11 21:27:49

it sounds to me like its just feeling a bit overwhelming for you as you've only just found out? if you dont want an abortion and do want the baby then you will cope somehow. sometimes you might feel you are not ready but you have months & months before the baby would be born, in which you gradually start to feel more ready. and tbh i dont think anyone is totally totally ready til the baby arrives, everyone has got to learn & adapt on the job whether ur 21 or 31 or 41, and theres never a perfect time or circumstances. there can always be problems cropping up like debt or redundancy or whatever else coming along unexpectantly whatever your stage of life but if you do want the baby then you just make it work.
careerwise they cant just stop training you cos you are pregnant that is out of order & illegal surely?! but if you are close to the end of your probation just dont tell them yet if you are worried they may discriminate? and you should be entitled to paid maternity leave, atleast 6 months normally & sometimes up to 12 so your career does not necessarily have to be ruined
its natural to want everything to be perfect but from an outsider point of view i wouldn't say you circumstances is too bad for having a baby, with a secure relationship, jobs and house even if its rented does not make that much of a difference.
give yourself a bit of time to think about it and you will probably start accepting the idea of it and being able to imagine yourself as a mum and how it will work out. it's natural to be a bit unsure at first, i think a lot of people feel like this..
i had my 1st when i was 21 too and our circumstances were not that ideal when i got pregnant, we were living with inlaws so we had to move out (they did not want us to move so was a problem with that..), we went and rented somewhere and it was fine, we are only just buying a place now and we have just had number 3 but these things are not always that important in the bigger picture. if you do want to go ahead with having your baby then you will be fine and it will definitely be worth it, circumstances are never perfect you just make the best of it
and congrats!! i hope you feel much better about it in a few days x

misslilly24 Tue 27-Sep-11 21:30:07

Thank toy AKMD, I really appreciate your post. As you have been in a similar situation, you just prooved to me that it can work if you plan.
I just hope everything goes as smoothly as it seems to of for you smile

Yeah I just need re-assurance I think and to know my options, i'm so confused about everything and just want to be able to give the child my best, which I suppose every parent wants.

Thanks smile I think me and my partner need to properly talk about this.

AKMD Tue 27-Sep-11 21:40:36

You're welcome.

Just reading countydurhamlass's post reminded me of something a lady I know who has 9 now grown-up children told me once: If we (she and her DH) had waited until they could have afforded a baby, they would still be childless.

You sound like a lovely couple who have to iron out the spending bit but otherwise are in a perfect position to welcome a baby to your family. No one is a perfect parent but love and a knowledge of the basics of baby care is all you need to get started. Mumsnet is a great place to bounce ideas off other people and get help.

mumt1 Tue 27-Sep-11 22:22:50

Hi, ok I'm 21 and 10 weeks pregnant with my second, I had a baby when I just turned 19 and my partner rly wanted an abortion, I refused, and it was the best decision I ever made. We are still together and I love my son more than anything in this world. I had the scary thoughts, my partner didn't work we lived with his family and couldn't afford much. But we did it. And now we have our own house I'm a paramedic student and he's an electrician. Things work out if u put ur mind to it. Like I said I'm 21, gt a 2 year old and 10 weeks pregnant. And personally I think my life is pretty much perfect. Everyone has problems and worries but the majority sort themselves. Stay strong and do what you feel is best. Age is just a number.

justhayley Tue 27-Sep-11 23:48:47

Hiya firstly congratulations on
Your pregnancy grin
I'm 26 and felt like I was reading my own post lol. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and when I first found out me and my partner had all the same fears with the added stress that he was joint Sandhurst 2 weeks later!! To me you sound quite settled and like a 21 year old that's really got it together, or forget age ur more together than people in their 30s!
You already have the one most important thing to bring up a baby and that's a strong relationship! work wise there's no reason why you can't go on and have a fantastic career just as planned - you may have to start it 12-18 months after but that's nothing. Most 21 year olds don't even know what they want to do, I didn't - am am still not 100% lol.
For me personally I feel totally unprepared and even after 10 weeks can't imagine having a baby, I'm worrying about the same stuff and i could give you more reasons why I shouldn't have a baby than I should ....... HOWEVER.......I knew from
Early on that a termination wasn't an option, I had one years ago and would never go through it again, plus with all my unready feelings I know somehow that I will manage and knowone will love a baby as much as me smile and I'm sure you will be exactly the same.

A baby is the most precious gift you can be given, start looking at the good things and start picturing yourself in one of your spare rooms sitting holding your baby in your arms, get all mushy about it it helped calm me down a bit!

Good luck I'm sure you will make a fantastic mummy xxxx

(now im going to read my own advice and try stop myself freaking out so I can get some sleep lol)

mumt1 Wed 28-Sep-11 09:18:42

That was a really nice post, your right about a baby being the most precious gift, I will NEVER forget the first time I help my little boy when he was born and passed on to my chest. He stared into my eyes with beautiful big eyes. Your heart skips a beat. I had all the feelings at the beginning as you, I can't cope with this n that and money and we didn't even have a place. Trust me, they all went the second he was born and my life automatically become full of love. Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

kat2504 Wed 28-Sep-11 09:33:50

Your baby doesn't need a "lifestyle" that you want for it. Even with very little money people do fine. It doesn't need expensive "stuff" it just needs love and care.
I suggest that you and your partner will have to sit down and look at your financial situation and get used to managing your money more effectively. There are lots of ways of making what you have go further. Perhaps you will need to get a cheaper house, like a 2 bed, if your rent is too high. Or you could look at making savings on your shopping bills and other outgoings.

Giving your child the best does not mean having the nicest baby clothes or the poshest pram or the fanciest toys. A baby doesn't need those things. You can give your child the best even if you can only afford clothes off ebay and car boot sale toys. Giving your child the best means giving them your time and your love. Money can't buy that.

Clearly you need to get yourselves financially stable though if you are going to have this baby, so look at all your debts and what you are spending and see how you can make improvements.

kat2504 Wed 28-Sep-11 09:36:29

Also you are not obliged to inform your employers of your pregnancy until the 25th week and it is illegal to discriminate against a pregnant woman.

Missgiraffe1 Wed 28-Sep-11 16:11:23

Misslilly. I had a lump in my throat when I read your post. You asked for stories. Well....

I fell pg with my DD when I was only 19, and in second year at Uni. I still lived at home. My Dad (now a retired head teacher) had high hopes for me and my Brother, and was really disappointed in me. He did eventually support my decision though and is the best Papa ever!

My DDs Dad was a bit immature and selfish. I went back to Uni and got into a lot of debt with student loans and overdrafts. Eventually we had to part ways (he developed a drink problem and mental health issues) for my own and my DD's safety. And, he made me take all my debt with me when we parted, so I had £10,000 debt and he had none, yet he couldn't give me any child support for 2 years as he had to save for a deposit for a flat hmm.

I hope this doesn't sound bitter, because I am not. I made some good decisions along the way, and my DD is now 15 and an absolute star of a girl. Top of year in several subjects and just the most perfect DD I could have wished for. And I am sitting here in my 5 bedroom house, with an excellent job, married to an amazing man and expecting my first baby with him. I didn't ruin my career, I just delayed it for a while. Things have a way or working themselves out - there is only so much forward planning you can do when it comes to family planning. And, I won't pretend it wasn't a struggle at times, but you sound like you have your head screwed on right, and would be able to make whatever decision are necessary to ensure you can provide for your child.

It may sound like a cliche, but it's true - I didn't have much in the early years, but I had as much love a Mum could possibly give her DD. And we had a lot fun despite the lack of money! You seem to have a stable and loving relationship, a nice home and good job prospects. I think your fears are only natural.

Yes, you are young, but that doesn't mean you are any less worthy, or any less able for that matter, to bring a child into the world and love it and care for it like any other Mum.

Wishing you lots of luck and happiness.

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