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Need help with a pregnant friend

(7 Posts)
Honeypie80 Thu 22-Sep-11 17:00:59

Sorry i dont know if this is the right place or where else to put this, basically my friend had been ttc since xmas, she is now around 18 wks pregnant and told me when she was 11.

I had a mc back in april which she knows about and was lovely (very concerned/worried about telling me etc). i was fine about it and really pleased for her. I recently had another miscarriage 5 wks ago, i didnt even tell her i was pg as i wanted to wait till at least 12 weeks (something i hadnt done the 1st time and regretted it).

Now though she is sending me pics of her scans, telling me everything she feels etc to the point where its making me feel depressed. i didn't tell her about the second mc as i didn't want to make her feel uneasy, its the last thing you need to hear when your pregnant, its really getting me down though, i've just received a text from her saying she'd just heard the heartbeat, i've sat here in tears as today was my booking in appt that i never went to. Its not jealousy on my part more sadness i feel. i find it heard having to see her looking pregnant and could do without the constant shared feelings. i'm probably being a total bitch but how do you handle something like this?? I cant ignore her forever but also cant tell her and make her feel like she cant talk to me about it, ill be fine just need a bit of time without having scan pictures thrown down my neck everytime i reach for my phone, is there an easy way round this??

ZhenXiang Thu 22-Sep-11 17:07:35

You need to tell her, as a good friend she will be mortified that her sharing her joy is hurting you and will try to be a bit more sensitive about how much she is sharing with you.

Your right that it isn't easy to hear about these things when pregnant, but that is better than losing a really good friend.

BellaCB Thu 22-Sep-11 17:16:22

I agree, you do need to tell her and I'm sure she will be beside herself that she's upsetting you. I had a friend of mine tell me recently that she's just discovered she and her DH will have serious problems conceiving, and she was very honest and said that some of my conversation about my pg was a little upsetting (I'm having a bad 1st pg and whingeing a lot, to be fair!). I didn't mind being told that at all, and I'm sure she won't either. Just be nice about it: tell her how happy you are for her, but that at the moment you are feeling very bruised and that you are struggling a little. If she is a good friend she will understand.

Oh, and you aren't being a total bitch, don't think that at all! You are going through a a very difficult time and any reaction you have is total normal and understandable x

Mum2be79 Thu 22-Sep-11 18:53:50

Just tell her to back off with the baby comments until you are feeling better and tell her why. Any good friend will understand - I know I will.

BelleRomford74 Thu 22-Sep-11 19:01:23

So sorry about your mc's & the pain it has caused you, but I agree that you should tell her & Im sure she will understand. You need the time & space to grieve for your recent loss or it may affect your friendship long term & you would'nt want that to happen. x

Honeypie80 Thu 22-Sep-11 21:30:28

Thanks for all the comments, i think ill try and talk to her over the weekend when im next due to see her anyway. Shes probably not even mentioning it that much but to me it feels like its constant. Just hope she doesnt react to weirdly to it though. thanks again

RubyrooUK Thu 22-Sep-11 21:59:54

I agree with everyone here. It's better to talk to your friend than anything else.

These things are so hard to judge - if your friend has been ttc since Xmas, she might be telling you lots about her pregnancy to try and give you hope after your mc. Or expecting you to be pleased because she had been trying for a while. She might just be getting things totally wrong.

As someone who spent 3 years ttc and had issues all along the way and had friends in the same position, I never knew how to act in this kind of situation when I did get pregnant.

In one way, I wanted my friends to be pleased for me as I'd had a struggle (I thought maybe the ones who had also struggled would be extra pleased for me). In another way, I wanted to shut up and not rub peoples' noses in it if it would upset them.

I'm sure I occasionally upset friends being too excited by my pregnancy. And one friend going through IVF told me I was weird for never talking about my baby when if it was them, they'd be shouting about it.

So talk to your friend and maybe say: "I'm so happy for you and I love you but I'm still finding things hard to hear so much about the baby after my mc. You were so supportive when I had my mc so I know you will understand."

Good luck with everything.

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