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Anxious about telling my family...particularly mum

(15 Posts)
MikaelaL Wed 21-Sep-11 18:31:48

I got pregnant last year and was pretty much forced in to a termination by my mum. I DID NOT want to do this but was VERY ill at the time and had no will power whatsoever. I find it hard to stand up to my mum at the best of times.

Since then I have got married and moved 100 miles away from my mum and am now 11 weeks pregnant. As my 1st scan approaches, rather than being excited, I'm getting more and more anxious about having to tell my mum after what happened last year.

I sort of feel like she will be being hypocritical if she is happy for me. I really haven't forgiven her for how she reacted and the things she said to me...is this unreasonable of me?

xkatyx Wed 21-Sep-11 18:50:00

May I ask how old you are?

I can understand you being very upset about what happened.

I think if you set your mind and sat 100% I'm keeping this baby and be strong then tell your mum.

I think if you feel weak you could be pressured into something.

Be strong remember this is your baby no one else's no one has the right to decide anything for you.

xkatyx Wed 21-Sep-11 18:51:51

Oh gosh I completely skipped the part about you being married!

In that case I would call and say me and dh are very happy to announce we are expecting .. Good luck

Pancakeflipper Wed 21-Sep-11 18:57:53

Last year sounds to be a million miles away from where you are now. Stop worrying about her. You cannot change what she thinks. And you have the added bonus on living 100 miles away. She might surprise you

My mother was very unthrilled at my 1st pregnancy. Cannot think why ( I was in my early 30's, been with the same guy for yonks, very settled etc) but it was her issue not mine.

picnicbasketcase Wed 21-Sep-11 19:01:00

You're in a relationship, you're happy about this, you don't need to explain or justify or take any crap. You just say 'I'm just letting you know that you're going to be a grandmother. We're very happy.' Don't leave any opening for her to be critical or mention things in the past.

Congratulations.

MikaelaL Wed 21-Sep-11 19:30:04

Thank you all. For some reason I was bracing myself for scathing remarks.
I am ridiculously thrilled to be having a baby with my wonderful husband and will not let anyone ruin that!

Isn't it crazy how you can know what you need to do but don't have the confidence until other people (ones you don't know even!) tell you!

mumt1 Wed 21-Sep-11 20:10:40

Your in a better situation thn me. I'm terrified of telling my mum! I'm 9 weeks pregnant, already got a 2 year old. Which she went mad with at first. She came round. But me n my partner who is both the babies dad arnt married. And I'm 21. Soo scared on telling her and my dad well he wnt talk to me for the whole pregnancy again. How on earth do I tell them.

Catsycat Wed 21-Sep-11 20:35:13

Mikaela and mumt1 I'm so sorry your mums have not supported you the way you would like in the past. I think, as others have said, you will just have to bite the bullet and tell them you are pregnant and you are happy. You are both grown women, and it is your business, your life.

mumt1, is your parent's problem the fact that you aren't married, or that they feel you are young? Really, not talking to you through your last pg is just a bit childish on your Dad's part. Lots of young women have babies, and do a fantastic job of bringing them up. Lots of couples are great parents, but aren't married. How does giving you a telling off and not speaking to you actually support or help you? Unless you live with your parents, you can avoid them (a pity as that may be) until they calm down and behave themselves.

Congratulations , and don't let parental attitude spoil your pregnancies.

mumt1 Wed 21-Sep-11 21:21:20

Thankyou, well no I live with my partner. In our own house.my dad is very old fashioned and believes in marriage before children. I just don't know how to tell them, my mum is constantly telling me I can't cope. When I can my little boy is healthy and happy. And bathed every night and fed good meals. Like today, I said I wanted to get him a couple of goldfish so he has a bit of responsibilty n she just said "you can't cope as it is, imagine with more hassle" I was just like omg if only you new.

MikaelaL Thu 22-Sep-11 12:43:10

Sounds remarkably similar to my mother. Saying I can't cope, I don't eat right (I get my 5 a day...probably more than), I'm irresponsible, etc, etc.

I sometimes wonder whether she is just jealous that I'm doing a good job without her. Unfortunately, for her, I grew up! I'm 24, married and living a good life. I am happy and I think it annoys her.

mumt1 I'm really sorry to hear about your parents attitudes. However much they annoy us its hard to get on with out their support or feeling that they are happy for you. Its good to hear that your mum came round. Maybe it will be a bit different this time as they have both had time to get to know and love your little boy??
I wish you all the best! I'll let you know how it goes when I get brave enough to tell my mum!!

MikaelaL Thu 22-Sep-11 12:47:24

Also, I think the fish idea is a really good one! Will teach a great deal of patience as well. If you get them from Pets at Home they make sure you have the tank set up for a while and test the water regularly to make sure its safe before you get the fish.
Gone are the days of winning them from the fair and plonking them in tap water!!

Catsycat Thu 22-Sep-11 13:21:56

Hi mumt1. Not sure what you can do about the old fashioned attitude, and the corrosive "you can't cope" comments. IMHO it's very unfair to judge you like this, when you're doing nothing wrong, just living your life as you have chosen to. I think just be matter of fact when you tell them, don't act ashamed or worried etc. Tell them you are happy about it. Hopefully, this time they might not have such a strong reaction, or might get over it sooner, as they must love your DS and be able to see that you are doing a good job.

My mum can sometimes make some seriously weird and hurtful comments, and both my and DH's parents have religious and other "traditional" views that we do not share, so I know it can be a really hard to deal with.

BTW, hope you weren't offended by the comment about living with your parents. A lot of DHs family live with parents / other relatives, which is what brought it to my mind!!!!

You have a place to vent here if it all gets a bit rough. Oh, and I think fish are a nice idea too!

mumt1 Thu 22-Sep-11 18:04:25

Thankyou for your responses yea I suppose all that matters is I'm happy! She'll use the "you've just started college" trick on me, as I'm doing a paramedic course. But I'm happy to carry on with it and complete it pregnant or not

Catsycat Thu 22-Sep-11 19:57:57

The fact that you intend to complete your training (and your choice of career) just shows IMO how strong and capable you must be. Wish I'd had your determination at 21. smile

mumt1 Thu 22-Sep-11 20:27:53

Well I no I can do it, I no this time will be harder as I've got a toddler but I'm also level 3 qualified beauty therapist. Which I did when I was pregnant with my little boy. And I also worked 37 hours a week. So I am hoping I can do this course, work, look after toddler and run house n cook meals for family. I feel worn out already...when iv been busy at college or work I end up bleeding a bit.

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