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43 and thinking of a late baby - is it wrong / selfish? If your parents were older when they had you I would particularly like to hear of your experiences

(48 Posts)
hmc Wed 21-Sep-11 14:35:04

I have two other children aged 7 and 9. Hanker for a baby (have done for some time).....but I am 43 and dh is 49. Would that be wrong / selfish in some way? I am slim and physically fit, eat well and drink moderately so hopefully will have a long and healthy life! .....But will my pre-menopause baby grow up to be an embarrassed 18 year old with a mother in her early sixties. Will (s)he resent me being older than his /her peers parents....?

crystalglasses Wed 21-Sep-11 14:38:56

Go for it. There are lots of 'elderly' parents with young children around now. Everyone is fitter, more stylish and lives longer than previous generations. I know several mums who have had first and second or third babies in their forties.

hmc Wed 21-Sep-11 14:42:02

Thanks crystal - I am inclined to think that if your body is still capable of producing a baby (i.e. it is pre the menopause) then nature (and what greater authority is there?) is saying its still 'okay' to do so......but there aren't that many mothers in my direct experience giving birth in their 40's - lots in their late 30's but few beyond that...

crystalglasses Wed 21-Sep-11 14:48:16

Three of my closest friends gave birth at 40, 41 and 43 (one had both her children when she was 40 and over) and I have another who has just announced her pregnancy at 40.

Fluter Wed 21-Sep-11 14:58:07

My family is one of those who never bother to get round to children until their 30's at least, so older parents are sort of normal! My dad was 48 when I appeared, and it never really bothered me - I guess he wouldn't have been an all action go-getting father even if he'd been 25!

And I'm about to have my first (twins!) at 39, DH is 47. Too old.... nahhhhh! Another plus is that DH will retire when DTs are 13, so will be able to spend a lot more time with them.

Suppose the downside is that you don't get the young, just retired, happy to help grandparents, but if you weren't expecting that then so what!

themightyskim Wed 21-Sep-11 15:47:13

I dont think there is ever a right age to have a baby, old mums and young mums come with their own problems and age aside we can loose parents at any time - I know a good few people who had children a bit later and none of their children have grown up embarrassed I think thats just down to how you raise your child - good luck smile

25babalou Wed 21-Sep-11 16:21:01

I am the eldest of 5, I'm now 25 and my youngest sibling is 2yrs old my mum was 44 when she had him. Like themightyskim said there not right age 2 have babies. My DD is 5 and DD2 is due in 2wks xx

m1nn1em0u5e Wed 21-Sep-11 17:27:24

Go for it!.... smile

eaglewings Wed 21-Sep-11 17:34:52

We are trying for a baby, I'm 43 dh is 45. Kids are 9, 12 and 20 plus

I too struggle with the questions you have and end up thinking I can over think!

I am also concerned that the older kids have as much say in it too as their lives will change, holidays will be different, they may need to help out etc.

However when I announced the pregnancy they were so pleased and then sad when I had a mc.

On a positive note, my dsil who is a GP tells me she has more expectant mums over 40 than under 30 in her practice

feetheart Wed 21-Sep-11 17:35:33

I was 40 and 43 when I had DD and DS - they are now 8 and 5 and are regularly embarrassed by me. I think its part of my job grin

Go for it.

hester Wed 21-Sep-11 17:36:58

Ah, go for it. I was 41 and 45 when mine were born. I'm sure they'll be deeply ashamed of me grin

MediumOrchid Wed 21-Sep-11 17:39:25

My Mum was 43 when she had me. Never bothered me, we have a great relationship. Go for it!

crystalglasses Wed 21-Sep-11 17:52:19

When i was a child and teenager I was deeply ashamed of my mother and she was only 27 when she had me. As feetheart says, it's part of a mother's job.

NorthernChinchilla Wed 21-Sep-11 18:31:51

My Dad became a Dad for the third time at 54, and now he's retired (early) can spend loads more time with the kids.

Agreed, there's no right time, and the biggest (and for me only factor) in deciding if it's right to have kids is 'will I love a child and be able to support it?' If the answer's yes, then go for it. There are lots more 'unusual' families these days than just being a marginally older Mum!

hmc Wed 21-Sep-11 19:13:11

Thanks for all these responses - very encouraging. I am so sorely tempted. Day 6 of my cycle today so maybe I'll be trying in a weeks time!

Sorry to hear about your mc eaglewings sad

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark Wed 21-Sep-11 19:15:39

There's never a good time to have a baby. They mess everything up whatever smile

Bartimaeus Wed 21-Sep-11 19:33:06

MIL had her one and only DS at 42 (and was a single mother - hats off to her!)

They have a great relationship. DH adores her and vice versa. Sometimes the generation gap is very noticeable but he says it's always been like that so doesn't know any different and doesn't mind.

Of course now the roles are kind of reversed - he looks after her a lot (not physically, just she saves up the DIY jobs around the house for him and he helps her with all official forms etc.) but it might be because he's an only and she's a single mum, rather than her age.

Mum2be79 Wed 21-Sep-11 19:52:41

If nature is still allowing you to ovulate and have periods then nature is saying you are fine to have a baby. I do not consider 43 to be 'old' to have a baby.

My DH has parents who are now 82 and 73 and he is 35. So you can work out the maths!!!! They're in good health - physically active, mentally sound and DYING to meet their first grandchild (DH is an only child).

There are many parents at the school I teach at who are in their 50's and have Primary-aged children. In fact, a colleague has a friend who found out aged 52 that she was pregnant. Unplanned and rather bereft but now enjoying their bouncing bundle of joy!

If you're worried about life expectancy - don't be. We live to a ripe old age these days and as for illnesses, well if we took the 'you're likely to be ill' saga, then nobody should have kids because ANYONE can be diagnosed with cancer, heart disease, diabetes etc, etc at ANY age or, God forbid, be knocked down by a bus!! (SORRY!)

Seriously, stuff what everyone else thinks. It's YOUR life and their problem if people start being funny with you.

goodnightmoon Thu 22-Sep-11 08:50:35

I don't see why you shouldn't. I will be 42 when my second child is born, and I have a three year old. So they won't have a major age difference but they will have an old mum. That's so common where I live though that I don't let it bother me. My three best friends were all at least 35 when they had their first.

Plus even lots of mums I know who started early are still having late children. My brother and his wife have kids ranging from 4 to 18 and so they went from being young parents to old ones. My grandmother had her sixth at 41 - ironically it's her youngest son who is just 50 who has major health problems and could die sooner than his much-older siblings or her, still going strong at 90.

my only caution is to be aware of how common miscarriage is once you're in your 40s ... some women never experience it of course but the odds are nearly 1 in 2 by some estimates.

deardear Thu 22-Sep-11 09:21:34

I am 41 and 18 weeks pregnant. DH is 52. Go for it. It is our third child and we have a gap of 11 years. totally unplanned but wanted.

When i had my booking in appointment with my midwife she said that nearly two thirds of her ladies atm were over 40 and she is less concerned about people our age as we are mature enough to know whats best for us and we arent out drinking and smoking while pregnant every night

porpentine Thu 22-Sep-11 09:58:55

I don't think you need worry at all about embarrassing them, since that's basically the function of parents!

My mum had my brother when she was 40, so not so old, and it wasn't really a problem - sometimes we wished that our parents were a bit younger and more energetic in the our teens, but that's all. She did, however, die of cancer when my brother was 18 and although not technically a child, that is young to lose a parent. Even if you are healthy now (she was in her mid-40s), 60ish is the age when people can begin to start having serious health problems. Having said that, anyone can get cancer and lots of people (most?) in their 60s are perfectly fine.

hmc Thu 22-Sep-11 11:20:43

Didn't realise risk of mc was so high over 40's - will have to mentally steel myself for that

Bananna1 Thu 22-Sep-11 14:05:31

I am 42 and discovered I was pregnant by accident - am now 9 weeks. My other 3 children are 10, 13 and 16 and although shocked at first, are all delighted by the news. Everyone around me has been so happy and supportive that I now don't worry about my age and am just enjoying being pregnant ( apart from the sickness and exhaustion!). Just go for it and enjoy!

Leo4 Fri 23-Sep-11 04:31:55

My mum had my DB at 41 and he is now 5 years old and there are many mums at his school the same age as my mum! I am now at the other end of the spectrum having a baby at 20 but I would happily be a mum at 40+too...!

hmc Fri 23-Sep-11 12:51:16

Congrats Bananna1

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