Anyone else feel their partner isn't interested?? :((19 Posts)
My chap (Norm) is wonderful in all kinds of ways but doesn't have a single bit of subtlety about him. What you see is what you get.
I've been feeling more and more alone because I know he isn't at all interested in this pregnancy lark or in our baby. He says he'll be interested as soon as our boy throws a ball. I've been the only one buying what we need for young babe, but end up feeling guilty about it because we're supposed to not be spending at the moment and Norm only seems to see the expense of it all.
What I find particularly unfair is that neither of us planned to have a baby now, but I'm expected to be interested in babies (like him I find toddlers more interesting), look forward to having our child and can't but be interested an involved in the pregnancy part, and yet he doesn't apply the same expectations to himself and his own behaviour. He says at least he isn't anti-baby. I do look forward to meeting our little boy and am looking forward to being a parent but it is very difficult when you're scared about how you're going to cope with the first few months when babies can be rather boring but hard work. Norm will do his fair share of work, whatever it is, but I don't want to be the only one to love our child.
I'm also finding it hard as he keeps making comments about looking forward to me being back in shape. Honest maybe but not very good for my self-esteem.
So, anyone else? I think I'd find it reassuring to know someone else was feeling like this.
I'd be pissed off if I were you and would be having words about it. I expect he will change his tune when the baby is born though and he will love it from the start. Probably it doesn't seem very real to him yet.
Making comments about your shape is not nice. He should be telling you how beautiful you look pregnant. Making a pregnant woman feel crap about her body is not on.
I think most men don't get entirely obsessed about pregnancy in the way that we like to (reading every book and magazine on the subject and comparing prams) but it's important to have their support and know that they are happy about the pregnancy and looking forward to having the baby.
I think you should talk to him about how you are feeling. And besides, hormonal pregnant women are allowed to rant.
Definitely have a similar situation, although not as bad as you (sorry). At first my OH was almost in denial about it all and would hardly speak about it until we had first scan and he could see the heartbeat for himself. Even now he doesnt like touching my bump when its moving either (33 weeks). When we recently visited friends who have just had their first child he didnt want to hold him, and was more interested in the sport that they had on the tv. My OH also is pointing out the cost of everything and often I feel guilty even though I am being careful about what we are buying.
I've had to force him to come to our first antenatal classes which now he's actually been to a couple he has admitted that it is interesting and useful (as they have lots of advice for the men/partners as all us women have already read it in books , plus hearing it from someone other than me gets it through to him)
Things should change once baby arrives and he wont be able to believe what a beautiful little baby you guys have made.
I would suggest bursting into tears when he comments about your body (I've done it uncontrollably a few times) so he can see that he is actually upsetting you, and tell him yes some of it is hormones but you have no control over it and you cant wait to be back to 'normal' but in the mean time a little bit of support would be nice!
I'm not so much peed off as lonely. We live ages away from my family and friends (military life sucks) so if he's not singing from the same hymn sheet I haven't got anyone else to fall back on.
I know it doesn't seem real to him and that he might well be better when young babe is actually here- I've been keeping my fingers crossed that he will just love our baby when he meets him but I don't know how realistic that is.
I know I definitely need to speak to him about the body-image stuff (again no subtlety- he doesn't take hints) but I don't want to say anything to him about the rest that will just make him feel he can't tell me what he actually feels about our baby. He knows in part as I did have a bit of a cry last night, but he seems to think that "not being anti-baby" and doing his bit practically is all he can assure me.
What would you say?
Thanks Craving. I'm afraid tears don't come on demand though. I'll just have to tell him how I feel.
We haven't been to any antenatal classes as they're so expensive and he has a new job and would resent making time for them. We're moving next week and I've found some free ones near the new place so hopefully I'll be able to persuade him that he really needs to come to those... otherwise I'll just have to take my sister up on the crash-course she said she'd give us if we wanted!
If you do sit him down and have a talk then I would say something along the lines of...
This is going to be tough, and while I know you are not anti-baby I need a bit more support than that. My hormones are all over the place and I'm scared/lonely/unsure/nervous (delete or replace as necessary) of how things are going to be when baby arrives. With all our friends/family so far away I'm going to have to depend on you more than ever and we're going to have to work through this first tough stage together as a couple. A reassuring hug every now and then or a 'you look nice today dear' comment would go along way in helping me feel more confident and that we can do this.
Obviously put into your own words (not everyone is a 'you look nice today dear' kind of person ) My own family lives in NZ and this is pretty much how I'm feeling.
Good luck with your chap and baby by the way. Yours sounds like he's really come on since the beginning.
I think that I'd settle for not telling me he found it difficult not to look at the lycra-clad women in the gym! He thinks he's paying me a compliment by saying he's looking forward to seeing me in my cycling kit again, but it does just highlight to me that he doesn't like my body at the moment and that I might never be attractive again in his eyes if I struggle to rid myself of a wobbly tummy and huge bottom after the baby.
Your family being in NZ puts my own family living in Kent into perspective (it must be hard) but I don't drive yet so I don't see them much.
Definitely try to persuade him to go to the free antenatal classes, he will be able to see all the other guys being supportive of their partners which may be just what he needs.
You will still be attractive to him after the birth, that's what magic underwear and low lighting was invented for For now, tell him he'll only get to see you back in your cycling kit if he supports you and starts complimenting you about how hard your body is working right now growing a little person.
Yeah my family are a long way away but they are always only ever a phone call or text (or skype) away, thank god for technology (and airmiles).
I will have to do that. For now though I think I need to get on with my day and tell myself to stop wallowing- it's self-indulgent and won't help. If I remind myself that I will have a beautiful baby and a husband that loves me even if he's not being as supportive as I would have hoped I should be fine.
So! Here's to tracking down my driving license and booking my theory test! Then there's an oven to clean and a woman to call about our move. Doesn't life just get better and better!?
Just a thought, if you are about to move, why are you cleaning the oven? Also, I read somewhere that you shouldnt clean ovens while pregnant as the chemicals are quite strong - maybe best to ask hubby to do this job if it has to be done.
Good luck with tracking down your license, keep positive - things will get better.
I had a similar problem first time round. None of the shape comments but the lack of interest. He was very supportive when I was sick and very interested in the scans but wouldn't talk about the baby much. 3 weeks before baby was due he got a pad out a told me we should write a birth plan. I was shocked! Didn't even know he was aware of such things!
Have a heart to heart and hopefully as soon as baby is born he will fall in love.
He is being a bit too honest IMO! Apparently many men don't feel like fathers until they hold the baby, so it just may not have kicked in for him yet. I'm sure he will be overwhelmed with love when the baby arrives.
In the meantime, I would explain that you feel nervous about parenthood too, and it's more scary for you because you're pregnant. Explain that you need more support and try to get him involved in the practical side of things, e.g. sorting out the room, going on hospital visits, talking about the baby's routine that he can be part of.
I'm on 35 weeks pregnant with baby #3 and my husband is the same and has been with all pregnancies. When I have questioned him about it he explains it like looking forward to a holiday, he can't get excited until a few weeks before and fair play to him when I get to about 34/35 weeks he is like an excited child and he starts nesting lol
I know that it's difficult and yes pregnancy can be a lonely time but you do have to remember that we have the best part which is carrying this little bundle of joy for 9 months so we have no choice but to deal with, we feel all those big and little movements which is a privalige in itself, it's not reality for the hubbys until they hold them in there arms for the first time and that is when reality will hit.
I know it's hard but try to relax and give him time, he will come round and will the the baby just as much as you.
Good luck x
TBH I think it sounds like he is being a bit of an arse, especially about your changing shape. Even if that's how he feels, he shouldn't be saying it. I hope you manage to get him to understand that you need more support than you're currently getting.
And don't clean your oven, get you DH or OvenU to do it - you shouldn't be breathing in the chemicals. Put your feet up and get some rest.
I think him being critical of your changing body is a separate issue to not being interested in the pregnancy, and that he's being totally insensitive. You're being almost too nice about his 'honesty' - for God's sake, it doesn't take much subtlety on his part to understand that you might find those remarks upsetting! An orangutan would work that out! Make it very plain that, on this subject, his honesty is only not necessary, but actually crude, hurtful and counter-productive. He needs to learn that there is a time and place for honesty, and blurting out stuff about lycra-clad lovelies in the gym is Not What Is Needed. Your pregnant body is doing something absolutely astonishing, not somehow going off the boil!
On the 'not interested' thing - I think some men express their involvement differently. My partner has been nothing but lovely, but at least some of the time, he's been preparing for being a father by hurling himself into work specifically in order to provide for me and the baby. (It's a madly busy period for him in a new venture, and one with a lot of opportunities that make it worth the short-term pain.) Whereas when I'm in a meeting on hard-nosed professional mode, I'm still carrying the baby and thinking about it.
And do remember the next time he makes a comment about your figure to point out the hair sprouting from his ears/beer gut/zits... or even better, just bring it up in conversation randomly. I did this with my German stepmother, who is a wonderful person but (to English ears) blunt to the point of rudeness. A few conversations about the weather punctuated with a sudden, "your bum looks huge today and you're really looking your age" did the trick...
Mine too was not interested at all to begin with, but from the first scan onwards he was hooked- seeing the baby made it real. Sounds like you may be past that point, but hope that at least it'll all kick in when the baby's born. Not much good in pregnancy I know, sorry.
Know how you feel about the family being miles away too, but sounds like you've got the right attitude to it all, although I agree with loveinacoldclimate bugger the oven, put your feet up.
If it's any help I felt my DH didn't engage with the idea of a baby while I was pregnant with DD1. He read nothing before and spent a lot of my early labour reading 'childbirth for fathers' and giving me helpful (or not!) suggestions. He totally melted when he held her in his arms and has absolutely doted on her every since. I couldn't have asked for more support in the early months.
I'm 35 weeks with no 2. and I've also sometimes struggled to feel he's engaged again (although we've had a lot less time generally to think about this one). That said, he's done a lot more to look after me/take a load off this time and I know when the baby arrives he'll fall in love again. I've found it helpful, though, to let him know how I feel and what I need from him. I honestly think it's just not real to some dads until the baby has arrived..
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