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Please help me.. Early pregnancy and I don't know what to do... Please don't judge

(23 Posts)
Imlost Sat 10-Sep-11 09:51:39

i found out on wed that I'm pregnant . This will be my third. Dh and I have been trying for around a year so it's been long awaited and we were looking at starting tests as to why it's taking so long..

Thing is I'm completely lost :-(

Now the reality has hit me after so long of waiting and I honestly don't think it's what I now want ...
Since finding out I can't stop crying , I can't eat or drink and I'm shaking .... I'm a mess .

My problems are many.. Ds who was last born was very ill from birth to around 3 yrs (now 4) and I really couldn't do that again. I suffered 2 mc before I had dd who is now 6 and that caused me issues.

I have suffered pregnancy depression and pnd and ATM I'm at rock bottom .

I also worry about my family set up , will it cope with another baby and my main issue is dd who is my princess , various conversations have seen her adamant she does not want another baby ... I'm scared a third who push her out and change everything between us. I guess I just want to please my kids.

Dh is very supportive , in a good job ATM but self emp. I worry this is more pressure for him but he says not to worry but I do . I see how tired he gets ATM with work and family.

I could be sat with my dh and the kids and I still feel lost and lonely . I feel so very alone and I'm scared . Dh is now starting to get a bit restless with me and wants me to snap out of it ....

Help me please .....

For fear of backlash I will say that I am thinking of a termination . Dh won't discuss this , says I will regret it and it's not an option for us in a loving family .

I have name changed but a regular for about 7 years.

I just want to run away and sleep forever .... Please help me

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 10-Sep-11 09:55:35

Well, firstly, congratulations! grin

I think you are just in a little bit of shock, to be honest. And I think your DH is quite right to refuse to discuss a termination. I'm sure you don't really want one either.

However, you obviously have a number of concerns that you and your DH should take seriously, and should talk about. I would also suggest that you go and see your GP and/or midwife/health visitor and talk through the issues you have suffered before.

Imlost Sat 10-Sep-11 10:02:11

I have spoken to my gp yesterday and I also briefly discussed termination . She is aware of my concerns and wants me back next week to see what I have decided .

It's kind of been left up to me and seriously my head is mashed :-(

roz1982 Sat 10-Sep-11 10:03:40

Hello sorry your feeling so low. It sounds to me that you've got to a point where everything is on top of you and you can't see the wood for the trees. It definitely sounds to me like some outside help is in order. Do you have a good gp? I feel like you really need to talk to somebody outside the family who can help you think and see things clearly. Your daughter doesn't make the decision with regards to the completion of your family! She will be ok so stop worrying about that! If I were you, I would reassure her obviously but make it clear that it's not her decision to make! With regards to a termination I feel that this is a way of making it all just go away and your dh is right in the long term it will make things worse. I don't think that is the solution I think getting help for how overwhelmed and down your feeling is a much better option for you and your family. Hope your feeling better soon x

Imlost Sat 10-Sep-11 10:24:55

Who do I go to though ? I just feel like I'm running out of time and I can't think quick enough ... Is it usual for women to think like this ??? I just wish I know that in x time I will feel happier ...

lalabaloo Sat 10-Sep-11 10:37:07

Hi, sorry you are feeling like this. I think you need to speak to your GP and ask for some counselling, before you make any further decision on whether to have a termination or not. Don't be pressured into making a decision either way by next week.

Do you think that maybe as it had taken so long to get your BFP you had almost assumed it wasn't going to happen so now it's a shock? If it helps, I am really pleased to be pregnant but after 8 months of trying had resigned myself to the fact it was going to be a while, started planning for the future without a baby instead of putting things off in case we had a baby, and then now I have had my BFP I am thrilled but the reality is starting to kick in about things I had wanted to do that now I won't be doing. It doesn't make you a bad person so don't worry, could you call the samaritans or someone over the weekend? They are there for anyone in need.

Sorry to hear your son was very ill, how is his health now? Your daughter might not be pleased to start with, but like others have said she doesn't make the decisions on how many children you have and I am sure she would come to terms with it and probably even be really pleased, 6 year olds are very good at saying what they want now but usually don't understand long term consequences in the way adults do.

Sorry this is a bit of an essay but I hope it might be a little bit helpful, let us know how you get on

Quodlibet Sat 10-Sep-11 10:54:07

For someone to talk it through with immediately you could call the Samaritans - 0800 132 737. It seems like you've got a lot of interlocking issues, the pnd and your previous mcs and your son's illnesses are all naturally going to be making you nervous and worried about being pg. Maybe they will be able to help you clear some space to see things more clearly...?

Wishing you well whatever you decide.

Imlost Sat 10-Sep-11 10:56:30

Thanks lalabaloo .. Think I will look at counselling but guess there may be a wait on the nhs ?

Yes, I do think that I kind of resigned myself to it not happening and tbh life seemed so complete now and my kids are so content and doing well that I feel that going down this road is rocking the boat iykwim ...

Dd has just started back at school this week and ds starts for the first time on Monday and maybe that is adding to it all ?

Dh works away a few days each week and the though of this is making me sad . As I said before I am feeling very lonely , I want dh under my skin and I feel so fecking needy :-( I have tried searching various help threads on mn but nothing atm

Imlost Sat 10-Sep-11 10:57:07

Thankyou quodlibet x x

ChippingIn Sat 10-Sep-11 11:04:09

Hey - I'm sorry you feel like this. Apparently it is extremely common - there have been quite a few threads on it. I think it's the hormones flying around your body and to be honest, if you and DH have been trying for over a year I would say the feelings you are having now are completely hormonal and what DH is saying is right (that you would really regret it). Obviously I'm just a name on a board & you need to talk to people IRL - but please, try again to do some advanced searches and you will see how normal it is to feel how you do at this stage of your life/pregnancy.

If I get time later on I'll try to do some searches for you. I can't at the moment as it's taking too long to load on here.

Big hugs

pregnantmimi Sat 10-Sep-11 11:05:25

I think its normal your worries its just your body preparing for the pregnacy take it easy and find a friend you can talk it thou with xxx

SurpriseMuffins Sat 10-Sep-11 11:08:14

could you talk to the nurse at your GP surgery? They usually have lists of contacts who you could go to for a bit of reassurance (dunno about you but I prefer to speak to the nurse rather than the GP).

NorthernChinchilla Sat 10-Sep-11 11:40:28

It sounds like everything is getting on top of you...but given the circumstances that's entirely normal. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like this, as it's a natural reaction, and feeling upset with yourself for not feeling 'great' will only make things worse.

I can understand your DD- I have seen in a few very close family friends this happen, where child A is ill, the other child/children can feel pushed out/jealous, and react accordingly- again, all perfectly normal, but explains her feelings. However, if you do choose to go ahead with the pregnancy, then it's something to be managed, probably not (I'd say) one of the deciding factors.

You need your DH's support: I'm sure he didn't mean to, but by him completely disregarding your feelings over a termination, it's not helped. You need to work through your feelings about the pregnancy, considering every option, not have one blocked off.

Second everyone on here who says the key thing is to speak to someone- if you're able to pay, you'll be able to see a counsellor this week (it's one of the few times I'd say don't bother waiting on NHS, just find someone- my Mum did it this week, called on Mon had first appointment on Sun).

I am sure you'll reach a decision, and a point where you'll feel better. Take care, and let us know how you get on.

willowstar Sat 10-Sep-11 11:51:02


sorry to hear you are feeling so rubbish. I think early pregnancy is a very odd time and you don't react how you think you will sometimes. I have an almost 2 year old and am now 20 pregnant with my second. I am just about starting to feel positive about this pregnancy, but I was really surprised by my own reaction when I found out I was pregnant. It was planned, I know that I want another, but I didn't feel happy or excited at all, it was NOTHING like how I felt the first time. All I could think about was how it would affect my relationship with my daughter, how she would cope with it, how we would cope financially without me working, how my poor self employed husband would cope as he works all hours already etc...

so some of what you are going through. I knew that somewhere inside I wanted it but I didn't get any kind of positive hormonal rush and am still feeling a bit ambivalant. From reading on here though I am pretty sure it will all be OK and that is what I am clinging to.

sorry I can't offer any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I didn't react at all how I did when I found out I was pregnant with my first and from talking to friends that is all pretty normal.

notlettingthefearshow Sat 10-Sep-11 12:16:42

I would agree with other posters who say not to read too much into your reaction. You know you and DH have wanted the baby so it's unlikely you have genuinely changed your mind, it's just that now reality is kicking it, you realise a 3rd baby will change your family dynamics and lifestyle. I think pregnancy hormones can be difficult to deal with, probably more so when you already have 2 children to look after. The problem with any kind of depression is that you can't know for certain when you will feel better again. You should talk to someone and do not feel bad about considering a termination - sometimes this is the right decision. I would try again to talk to your DH as you need to agree on this one. Good luck.

lalabaloo Sat 10-Sep-11 12:18:37

I think in your circumstances you should be able to get counselling pretty quickly, especially if there is the chance you may want a termination. If you can afford to pay that is always an option, but I know it isn't possible for everyone. Try having a good chat with your husband, maybe even show him this thread if it might help? He sounds lovely and very supportive. Try and get as much rest and time to yourself over the weekend as possible and then speak to doctor/nurse on Monday re counselling

Africagirl1 Sat 10-Sep-11 13:39:12

I felt like this too (after 18 months TTC DC2). I fell apart completely and did actually terminate at about 6 weeks. I had loads of counselling and 6 months later TTC again and am now 33 weeks (and thrilled). I can't explain what happened to me even now... but just want you to know that at the time I didn't think anyone else on the planet had ever felt like this before. A friend of mine has also just terminated after finding she was pregnant with DC3 (by accident). Her DH didn't understand, but has said if they want to TTC again he is open to the discussion.

luckywinner Sat 10-Sep-11 13:47:53

Hi Imlost. I felt exactly the same as you, and also have 2 dc, although I think a little older than yours (6 and 4). I also suffer from depression and was absolutely terrified about being pregnant. I couldn't make a decision because I felt so scared. I just didn't know what to do. I made an appointment to have a termination but cancelled the night before as it didn't feel right. However, I couldn't say hand on heart that keeping the baby was also the right answer, more that I couldn't go through with an abortion.

But I am not judging you at all. I think it is imperative you make the decision for yourself, for you. Not for your family, or your dh. If you feel in your heart you cannot do this, then don't make yourself go through with it because it was someone else wants you to do. I do agree though with whoever said it was common to react like this. It is one thing to dream about a lovely newborn but in reality it is terrifying when you see that positive test.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You are not a horrible person. You are just hormonal and frightened. And if you need your dh all the time then that's what you need to feel ok. There's nothing wrong with needing help and support from someone so close to you.

I arranged my counselling and abortion through BPAS. They were lovely. Very calm and helpful.

wowchick Sun 11-Sep-11 05:08:11

Hi there so sorry to hear you are going through all these issues. Just to share this story with you - my best friend had pre-natal depression with her second and hated the thought of taking anything and was bed-ridden for a bit. She did take what was pescribed in the end and it was fine and helped massively (her dad is a pharmacist and would have refused to let her take anything if he thought it would have endangered her or her baby's health). Not sure if taking medication is an option for you once you have discussed with your GP but just wanted to share that experience in case you were worried about that side of things smile Pre-natal depression is (I think) far more common than people realise - I think it affects something like one in ten mums to be?

A good counselling session would definintely be in order... My surgery offers eight sessions as part of the NHS which I used and I got seen straight away. If you can, do a Google before you go to the doctor and see if the NHS will provide counselling in your area - and if so, don't take no for an answer from your GP and get referred straight away. From the sounds of your post I'm not sure if you are a full time mum or if you work - if you work there may be free and confidential counselling offered as part of an employee benefits scheme but may be very poorly advertised/promoted! Or try the Samaritans who will be there to talk and can also signpost you to other free resources that may help (if they can't), such as other charities who specialise in this kind of support.

You aren't at all a bad person and don't feel pressured into making any decisions right now when you feel like this. Sorry for a bit of a long post by the way!

wowchick Sun 11-Sep-11 05:15:47

This is what I get for posting at 5am but just looked at your post again and see you've had to go through pregnancy depression before so know more about it than I do sad - sorry about that. I hope you manage to find some answers that mean you are happier.

flimflammery Sun 11-Sep-11 05:31:57

Hi Imlost, sorry you're having such a hard time. Of course pregnancy hormones will be a factor, but to be honest it sounds like this is more than just normal wobbles about being pregnant, and you need to talk to someone who is trained to help people who are feeling desperately unhappy. Please phone your GP surgery tomorrow and ask for an emergency appointment to ask your GP to refer you urgently to a mental health professional. You don't need to suffer alone, and you don't need to make a decision on this straight away.

mattdamonlovesme Sun 11-Sep-11 07:00:58

Hi imlost

I was you 9 months ago. After more than a 10 year gap and constant procrastination we decided to try again for another baby. I even posted about this dilemma. I became pregnant straight away. My reaction utterly threw me. Like you I was shocked, distraught and full of regret and "what have we done" played over and over in my head. I wouldn't have terminated but for the whole pregnancy I have been pretty terrified and full of regret for a lifestyle I felt I'd foolishly given up.

Fast forward 9 months, I'm sat in bed now feeding my newborn DS2 and I can't believe that at times I was hoping I would miscarry. I feel ashamed. I just love him so much already and it's only been a week. I can't stop gazing at him and telling myself how lucky I am. I think I became depressed as there were days I didn't get out of bed until 3 pm when i had to collect my older kids from school. I hid this well, I think depressive tendencies have run in the family but it is seen as a weakness so I somehow pulled myself through this and kept it quiet.

All I feel is that reading your post resonated so strongly with me. I wasn't going to look at mumsnet tonight but I've been feeding a while tonight so took a quick indulgent peek. I honestly could have written your post.

I really would urge you to read through similar posts and please know you are not alone or usual. Even planned pregnancies can be very scary. I wish you well.<< Unmumsnet hug >>


DelGirl Sun 11-Sep-11 07:09:56

Sorry you're feeling like this. If it helps, I had to have ivf after my dh died and desperately wanted a baby. I got pg twice but m/c'd both times. When I got pg with dd (6) I was like you. Not the termination bit but thinking wtf had I done and wasn't sure it was the right thing at all. I think it is the shock and hormones and in a couple of weeks it will settle down but see the dr for some advice. hth

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