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I feel really bad, but I don't think this is a good idea.

(13 Posts)
SoBroken Mon 05-Sep-11 12:09:10

Just wanted to ask some opinions. We live a 2-3 hour drive away from DH's relatives. He's not that bothered about most of them, they aren't close, but his nan raised him after his mum died, and they have a very close relationship. They chat for ages on the phone once a week etc.

His nan is lovely, been very welcoming to me, loves our DS1 to bits and we all regret that we aren't able to visit more than a few times a year. Nan is housebound and not very mobile, so she can't come and see us, particularly as we live in an upstairs flat.

When this baby is born (any day now!) my DH wants to take him down for a visit as soon as possible. With DS1, we waited until he was eight weeks, this time, DH would like to go sooner. We spoke about it yesterday and I said I would like to wait until the lochia stops, just because I really don't want to be traipsing round someone else's house changing sanitary towels etc and having to put them in the kitchen bin. It was pretty heavy after I had DS1 and although I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, I kind of am.

We will also have to sleep on an airbed on the floor, which doesn't fill me with joy if I am bleeding on someone else's sheets and getting up 60,000 times a night to breastfeed. Luckily, his nan is VERY pro breastfeeding and so I don't have any qualms about feeding in front of her, she's brilliant like that, even got me drinks because she remembered how thirsty you get when feeding!

My bleeding stopped at 6 weeks last time, but DH wants to go earlier than that.

Can anyone think of any solutions, maybe a way to hide all the sanitary towels and dispose of them discretely? I don't want to upset my DH unnecessarily and I feel bad that he is separated so much from his nan, who isn't in the best of health and may not have many years left.

RitaMorgan Mon 05-Sep-11 12:12:44

I think not wanting to go and stay somewhere else until you stop bleeding is very reasonable and sensible. A couple of extra weeks won't make a difference to DH surely?

Mandyville Mon 05-Sep-11 12:13:56

Can you afford to stay in a B&B? You can see her in the day/evening and then go back to the B&B to sleep/dispose of sanitary wear.

Or tie them into nappysacks and take them home (disclaimer: my bleeding wasn't at all heavy, so I don't know if this would work for you)?

Six weeks isn't so very long to wait... Would your bleeding be light enough to cope with after, say, four weeks? Personally I wouldn't fancy travelling until baby is 4 weeks anyway.

wheelshavefallenoffthebus Mon 05-Sep-11 12:14:34

personally I wouldn't want to be anywhere other than my own home/bed in the first 4-6 weeks. Surely it is not too much to ask that your DH waits til you are ready? it's only a matter of weeks rather than months and you can send photos before then?

solidgoldbrass Mon 05-Sep-11 12:17:01

You are not being unreasonable. You get to make the decisions about when to travel because it's your body that needs to recover from giving birth. You might also feel more unwell after this birth or there may be other issues - you don't know what's going to happen or how you are going to feel till you're actually there.
Tell your H that, too - that you will not commit to any travel plans until the birth is over and the baby safely arrived, and that the subject is not up for discussion. You are perfectly entitled to put your foot down here because it is your health and wellbeing and that of the baby which are at stake - and his nan, who sounds lovely, would almost certaily be appalled at the idea of you travelling to see her when you are not feeling up to speed after the birth.

GwendolineMaryLacey Mon 05-Sep-11 12:19:56

I agree with you. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else either (having briefly considered a trip to center parcs at 2 weeks!). I think it's very easy for your DH to lightly make all the plans but it's not him with the tattered fanjo, hormones and exhaustion. I think that for the first 6 weeks after the birth, mother and baby come first. Nans, however lovely, are a bit further down the pecking order. It won't harm anyone to wait until you feel able to travel.

dreamingbohemian Mon 05-Sep-11 12:21:23

I don't think lochia is a good reason not to visit a dear relative, especially when it would mean so much to her and your DH. I don't really understand why disposing of the pads is such a big deal, you're going to be tossing loads of dirty nappies in the bin, just tie them up in nappy bags.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 05-Sep-11 12:24:16

If she's not critically ill with only weeks to live, then I think he can wait. I understand that he loves her and wants to show off the baby, but you'll be in pain and sleeping on an air mattress, and it's just going to be too hard. If your babies are anything like mine, they also scream a lot in the evenings, which is bearable in your own home and awful in someone else's flat.

Honestly, I'd just say no about this one. It's not unreasonable.

dreamingbohemian Mon 05-Sep-11 12:24:34

I mean, obviously if you are not in good health, or you're exhausted, you shouldn't go, but your OP only mentions fear of lochia problems as a reason not to go. That seems a bit excessive to me.

MummyGemx Mon 05-Sep-11 12:39:06

I would explain to DH your concerns and say ideally you would like to go earlier too but you will have to see how you are feeling before arranging anything. There is no need to decide now surely? Plus you may fine you are back to normal and ready to visit sooner than you think. If not sure DH will understand.

Good luck with baby. x

Carrotsandcelery Mon 05-Sep-11 13:07:47

I would try to persuade dh to wait tbh. You are unlikely to enjoy the visit that soon after giving birth. It is a tricky time as your body does stuff you can't predict. It also asks a lot from your relative as host when you are in that situation. I would say no or at least ask him to leave it for now and see how your body is behaving before you make plans.

(p.s. You might not bleed as long this time. I only bled a couple of weeks the second time around whereas first time it just went on and on... smile)

thejaffacakesareonme Mon 05-Sep-11 18:44:20

I'd tell DH that you're not committing to anything until after the baby has arrived. I had c sections with both DCs and would not have felt up to travelling until after at least two weeks.

aethelfleda Mon 05-Sep-11 20:57:12

If you really want to avoid kitchen bins, then nappysack the used sanitary towels and keep them in a wetbag (a waterproof drawstring bag used for transporting cloth nappies when out and about)

The sheet thing is more tricksy, maybe double-sheet the way you can for toilet-training DCs: put sheet on airbed, then a waterproof sheet liner on the top and a second sheet over that. If you bleed, remove the top sheet and the waterproof one, get straight back into bed and wash the messy bits in the morning.

But- don't go unless you're happy with it. It's up to you.

Wet bags are like this:
http://www.minkinappies.co.uk/product_info.php?cPath=36&products_id=378&osCsid=e80756ca4a3f355f861c8bcccdb1fb9c

And here's a waterproof sheet:
http://mydeco.com/p/flat-sheet-mattress-protector-cot-and-cot-bed-size/GB0001D8BE6CWOSYLEVP6YUJCBJYTQTJ5GLHUYWF/

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