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Help-do I keep my baby?(17 Posts)
Hi all I really need some help and advice, I've got 2 daughters they are 2 and 4 and I've just found out that I'm pregnant again (6 weeks). It's a mistake on our part as probably not been as careful as we should have been!
I feel like I should be really happy but I just don't know if I can go through it all again-me and my hubby have found it so hard and the thought on a new baby just fills me with dread. My husband really does not want it and doesn't really seem to be able to contemplate it, and has made it very clear he wants me to get a termination. I feel awful because I have always been so against abortions especially when it's our fault. But it just seems like after 4 hard years we feel so complete as a family and it's all just settling down, things are getting easier and I just don't know how a new baby would fit in.
I was just looking for some advice really from any moms that have been in the same situation, and also from anyone who has had a termination,
I really don't think anyone can make the decision for you. I think even your huband doesn't have the right to tell you what to do.
Not the best reason for a termination I've ever heard. If I was that against having another baby, surely I'd make bloody sure I wouldn't get pg.
I had one year old twins when I became pregnant. I was all for a termination straight away as I was sure I could not cope. I even postponed my first scan as knew I could not face it and then terminate. After many weeks of soul serching I decif=ded that I could not abort and look at my others without feeling guilty. We now have a very wonderful 4yo dd. The guilt about how I felt at the time I still carry, how could I want to do that? BUT you have to make the right choice for you, I knew I couldn't go through with a termination..but that choice took weeks to come to, and many tears. There is no right answer that anyone can give you, it HAS to be your choice. I wish you all the best, I know how hard it is!!
No one can tell you what is a right decision for you.
I had a termination, it was fine, not painful or traumatizing. I had two dcs and couldn't face another pregnancy, giving birth, another year of sleepless nights, more time out of work etc etc.I have even started a thread on here asking for advice. I didn't refer to the pregnancy as a 'baby', though, as you did-I didn't see it as such. If you feel really strongly against abortion, if you think you will feel guilty afterwards, then don't do it, whatever your husband says.
Not pointing you particularly either way but trying to make you think about how you feel
Your title is 'Help-do I keep my baby?'
Hallows, not much help here but you have to do what you think is right.
You say your DH is determined you have a termination? Not a very helpful attitude as I assume he was there at conception & did little to prevent it.
I'm not going to come over all 'your body, your choice', as a married couple with children it has to be a descision you make together, but if he is determined you may have to make the choice alone.
I had two terminations when I was younger, pre-DCs, they were both fine emotionally, I feel no regrets as I was young & not in the right relationships.
However, married & two children & down the line I don't know if I could, I think it's something I would regret, but then, a third child.....would I regret that & feel guilty?
Tough, tough choice Hallows, can you & DH speak openly about it without intransigence on his part? I think he needs to understand your feelings more instead of being so strident. Why does he feel another child would be such a bad thing? Can he understand your objections?
Sorry I can't be any more help, I hope you find a resolution. Ultimately, do what is best for you.
I think the fact you have already referred to it as "my baby" is quite telling.
Thanks everyone I think I just needed to get it all off my chest as I don't want to talk to any of my friends or family about it. My husband is and has always been so supportive and we can talk openly about it, however I've never seen him like this he looks so down and worried about it everytime I bring it up. He keeps telling me it's not a big deal and the baby isn't really formed yet so do it as soon as possible but I showed him a video last night of a babies development and I think it opened his eyes a bit. He doesnt really see anything morally wrong with a termination where as I do!
I think we both feel so settled and content we've had 4 years of struggling with not much family help, I have suffered with post natal depression and one of my daughters is deaf so been through quite a bit of an emotional rollercoaster!
I know it's my decision to make but I really do appreichiate your comments, thank you for sharing your experiences and
views with me x
Let me ask, if your dp wasnt suggesting termination, would you be?
I am against abortions and believe that a life starts at conception. Althought I do believe that in some situations I would. But u are in a happy marriage, I'm not gonna tell u what to do its ur choice completely. I have a 2 year old and gt pregnant at 18 and was begged by my bf of 5 months to get rid. And I didn't and he has now thanked me for not listening. Uv reffered it as 'my baby' so that should say something. I hope YOU make the best decision for YOU.
Agree with one of the other posters - I had a termination when young and not in the right relationship etc. It was fine - I just felt like I'd been ill and it had all been put right.
But now with 1.5 children (Dc2 due soon) if we were to unexpectedly get pregnant in a couple of years time I don't think I could do it, or if I did, it would be much harder emotionally than last time. I think once you've had a baby, it's harder to choose to end a pregnancy.
Best of luck xx
If I'm reading you correctly you have big ethical issues with abortion, which suggests that you might not cope well afterwards. Do you think you could go through with it and not struggle with regret, anger, guilt etc, especially if you feel pressured by your DH?
PS I'm not trying to tell you what to do by the way...it just seems to be what your posts are hinting at
Hi the decision is yours. My opinion is I dont think I know of anyone who regretted having a baby but I know of alot who regret not having it.
You really have to trust your instincts. Having a termination, when you are unsure about it or have ethical/emotional issues is deeply distressing - and IMO may be just a likely to give rise to depression as PND.
Why is your husband so worried? Can you find out what is troubling him so much?
I think this is bound to be a really difficult time for you and your husband - especially when the pregnancy is unexpected, and your little ones are still young. It does seems that, knowing all you do about the baby's development, and having always been opposed to termination, you could have bad regrets if you were to terminate, especially if you did it in response to pressure. I have a 3 yo and a 16 month old and am 24 weeks pregnant with no 3, so I know how terribly exhausting these early years are. Also, even if your pregnancy had been a planned one, you could well still be feeling stressed and overwhelmed - there are plenty of threads where women are describing feeling this way even with a planned third pregnancy. Early pregnancy is hard - physically and emotionally. Looking at friends with older children though, I can see that the little ones do get less physically demanding. My take is that it's just a case of everyone surviving these early years, and things do then gradually get easier, and that everyone can adjust with time. Thinking of you all.
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