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My boyfriend doesn't want this baby anymore ;(

(16 Posts)
mummylila Tue 30-Aug-11 16:41:14

I feel hearbroken, i'm 6weeks4days pregnant and i'm gonna be the only person who wants this baby!

I found out nealry 3 weeks ago and told my partner of 14 months, the pregnancy was a complete accident and surprise by the way! He has a 2yr old boy from a 7 week fling who he loves to bits and has on Saturdays, i instantly thought he wouldn't want the baby so i prepared myself for that reaction, when i told him he said he did want it and i was so happy, we've been calling it Milly because it was a mm big when i found out and he was texting me calling me mummy etc and he's now announced that he's not ready yet!

None of our parents know yet, we both still live with them, mine will go mad because i just cant afford to move out so i will need to bring a new baby into their home next year and his mum and dad pick up his son etc as he doesnt drive or get on well with the mum so they are already quite burdened with the child he already he has!

Basically i know how hard it's going to be, everyone will be against us and i now i just feel all alone, i needed his strength to get through telling people etc but now he doesnt want it ;( I asked me if he'd leave if i have the baby, he said that he wont but i'm scared that he will start going out a lot and resenting me etc for him feeling trapped!

I honestly can't face a termination though, i know he will love it to bits when it gets here but i just feel so broken that at the mo that he doesnt want it, i dont even need any advice really i just needed to offload because i cant talk to anyone in real life about it!

Thanks for reading x

CollieandPup Tue 30-Aug-11 17:10:06

Oh mummylila i am just so sad reading your post. Has your boyfriend said why he doesn't think he wants this baby now, or why he has changed his mind? It must be very hard for you when you feel you need his support to be having to deal with this, but i would suggest you really sit down with him and talk to him about how he is feeling. You have listed quite a lot of things that make your circumstances far from straight forward (although it doesn't mean it couldn't work and be beautiful), but maybe these are all the thoughts he has been having himself. It could very well be that he is feaking about the prospect of whats happening and how he, you etc will cope.

I'm 31, been married for 5 years, in a very stable position, and been trying for this baby for over a year. But after i found out if was pg, i freaked out myself. It changes your life a lot and i think its naturual to react to that. Maybe if you talk about both of your fears etc you can understand how he's feeling and he'll come back around?

x

setara Tue 30-Aug-11 17:18:47

Hi Mummy probably not wonderful advice but didn't want to leave you without an answer. Congratulations grin

Your OH is probably in shock and will come around i'm sure, once the initial excitement wears off, all the worries start, how will we afford it that sort of thing and he is probably worried about his DS aswell, and burdening his parents and yours, just give him some time

Tell your folks when you are ready, i waited till after my scan and yes they hit the roof, there was lots of crying and shouting, it lasted about a day and by the time my next scan rolled around my dad was over the moon he was having a DGD. It will just be a shock for them, but they will be just as excited as you

hope your feeling ok not too sicky, good luck grin

LynetteScavo Tue 30-Aug-11 17:23:34

Don't be heartbroken! Look at the positive and be strong!

It's not about your BF.....it's about you and your baby.

Congratulations smile

BooBooGlass Tue 30-Aug-11 17:26:59

Can I be cynical and ask how much this was really an accident? Becaus eyou seemed to know pretty much instantly that you were pregnant and seemed to think your boyfriend would be thrilled. I have to say neither of those things would occur to me if I found myself accidentally pregnant.

Flisspaps Tue 30-Aug-11 17:27:24

OP - I'm guessing you and your DP are both quite young?

You're right about it being hard work, but babies generally are regardless of the circumstances they are born into. This baby is loved and wanted by you, and you are the one with whom the decision lies, so if you want it, there is nothing your DP can do to make you do anything otherwise.

Don't leave it too long to tell your parents, even if they hit the roof at first you might find they surprise you and are quite supportive.

Make sure you take care of yourself, and congratulations smile

BooBooGlass Tue 30-Aug-11 17:28:36

Ah I misread and now feel an idiot. Sorry. I can see why he doesn;t necessarily want it though. He already has a child from a short fling, and you both still live a home. If you carry on, be prepared to do so as a single parent. Don't base any decisions on the assumption you will be together in the future. Sorry again for reading wrong.

LynetteScavo Tue 30-Aug-11 17:40:36

mummylila has already said she can't face a termination.

And has posted on the pregnancy board. There don't seem to be any ifs to be discussed.

I agree about telling your parents. They may well not be happy initially, but they will get over it eventually, and will hopefully be able to support you emotionally.

pruney1977 Tue 30-Aug-11 18:11:54

Congratulations mummylila
I'm sorry you're going through this tough time but as other posters have said, this is your decision. Men can come and go but children are for keeps.
How is your relationship with your parents? Do you think after the initial shock they'd be supportive? Remember as well that this will be their grandchild and they might be more supportive than you think but only you will know this.
Good luck for the future x

justhayley Tue 30-Aug-11 18:48:09

Hey sweety, that's a horrible situation your in. I think you need to tell your family or a close friend as soon as possible. They might surprise you and give you the support you need.
I think pregnancy is scary what ever age you are but must be harder when younger and if u don't have the support of the babies dad.
You sound like your sure you want to have the baby, if this is the case it's important you don't get bullied or influenced into changing your mind.

Of course you are stressed at the moment but it's important for you and the baby for you to remain calm and at peace.

Be strong, and have confidence in yourself. If the worse happens and the father isn't around once the baby is born and your parents arnt supportive I'm sure you will give the baby enough love for everyone and although it won't always be easy it will be with it when your baby looks at you and calls you mummy for the first time.

Only consider a termination if you think it's right for you. I believe dads have just as much choice as mums, but let's face it it's you that will have to go through it so you get the final choice.

It's not fair that he has said he's happy then not!

Speak to him tell him how you feel and tell him your going to have the baby with or without his support (if that's what you want).

Be strong hunni
You can do it.

Xx

Ps once youv told your family have a nice bath with lavender oil burning and lavender bubbles it works miricules ;)

Mamo4ka Tue 30-Aug-11 20:12:24

Mummylila,

I hope your partner will change his mind soon and your parents will be supportive.
You will need to be strong no matter what.

Your situation mirrors mine 11 years ago.
BUT I wasn't strong enough, didn't have any support and after all brainwashing, ended up having termination at 12 weeks. Initially partner's words were that he would love to have a baby girl, but he changed his position later to "this is not the right time". After termination I could not bear to look at him without feeling anger and called off our relationships after 2weeks. Also I did not speak to my parents for over a year and we had a very long journey recovering our relationship afterwards.
I will never forgive myself for taking that step and This will follow me all my life.

What you are going through is incredibly hard, but this will turn into incredible joy once your little one comes along and I am sure you and your baby will be both surrounded by lots of love smile

beginnersluck Tue 30-Aug-11 20:58:25

Oh honey! I was in a totally different situation - we had planned it (in fact, he'd suggested that it might be time to start trying) - but then when I actually got pregnant, he totally freaked out. It was really distressing - a lot of tears and stress.
On the one hand, yes, how could he say he was happy and then not be. But on the otherhand, it is a very emotional time and a huge deal and even women go through freak outs along the way.
It is so hard to know if it is temporary, but a lot of people do say that guys are often less certain or excited until the baby has actually been born.
Hang in there - I hope it all works out ok.

notlettingthefearshow Tue 30-Aug-11 20:59:47

Give him time and try not to worry too much that he is freaking out. You are still newly pregnant so you have plenty of time before you have to tell anyone. Since you are committed to having the baby, you need to tell your boyfriend he cannot change his mind. You should accept that he has the right to feel upset if he does not want the baby, because you have the privilege as the woman of making the ultimate choice. If this is the second time it's happened to him, I'm not surprised he feels unhappy. He is not even independent himself if he is living with his parents, and yet he will soon have two children to support. This changes his life and limits his options for a long time, so it is understandable that he is worried.

I would advise you to try to come to an agreement about his role before the baby is born, ie live together as family? Split up? Will he be an active dad? he may of course change his mind once the baby is born, especially if he is already a good father, but be realistic.

As for telling your parents, it's impossible to know how they will react, but if you are dependent on them, you will have to tell them in a few weeks and explain that it was an accident but you feel ready to be a mother. They may not be delighted if you are becoming a single mother, but it will help that you already feel committed and happy about having a baby. You should probably have a plan when you talk to them and show you have thought about it in detail, as this will show you are mature.

The main thing is you are happy to be pregnant and want to become a mother. This is the main criteria - you can make it work! Good luck!

pinkytheshrinky Tue 30-Aug-11 21:17:18

My experience mirrors that of Mamo4ka and I was pushed by my boyfriend and my own parents in terminating my pregnancy.... It still feels very very bad when I think about it now and it was almost 20 years ago.

I am sure a lot of us here who have been in your situation would like to wave a magic wand and sort it all out for you - this bit is going to be hard but if your boyfriend is so capricious that he changes his mind so radically in such a short space of time then you CANNOT base any decisions on his feelings.

Having a baby is hard, having a baby on your own is harder but you will not regret it. Please enlist the help of a family friend who can help you talk to your family. You have to really leave your BF to his own devices, of course you deserve better support and it will probably come in time when he gets his head straight.

Take care love and find some help in RL

del1 Tue 30-Aug-11 21:48:16

I have a DS - 2 1/2 yrs old, and a DD - 1 yr old.
I found out when DD was 4 months old, that I had got pregnant again!
Myself and DP were going through a bad time, and thinking about splitting up.
We wern't really taking, never mind having sex, so it was quite a shock ( yes it is his, as we had gone to watch kings of leon and got drunk wink)

When I told him, he totaly freaked out,and said he could't handle another baby. I went to have a termination, but couldn't go through with it.
He didn't speak to me for weeks.

I was so upset, worried, and scared how I would cope with 3 under 3's on my own, if we did split up.

We managed to get over this hurdle, and are now getting on great again.
I am due this sunday, and even though i'm still nervous about number 3,
I know that whatever happens, as soon as the baby is here, we will both love it.

He will be the same,once baby's here. If you are with still with him or not.

He may just need time to get his head around the idea. Men take a bit longer, when they'e not prepared for a shock!

Good Luck x

CollieandPup Mon 05-Sep-11 05:23:41

Just wondering how you are doing mummylila?

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