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telling friends who are ttc

(21 Posts)
susey Sat 27-Aug-11 19:16:02

I imagine some people here have experience of this, I hope you can help. We will be telling all our friends our news in a couple of weeks, probably face-to-face and by phone as close together (time-wise) as poss. One couple who are good friends of ours has been ttc for a long time (for health reasons she needs to have babies sooner rather than later). As far as we know, they are not yet pregnant.

How do we sensitively tell them our news?

PamBeesly Sat 27-Aug-11 19:26:30

Hi Susey,
I had a similar experience when telling me news to my brother and his DP. When I told him (over the phone) he was ecstatic genunely happy for me, his DP was crying and couldn't come on the phone, she was too distraught. (they are trying for 6months, I was trying for 8 but didn't tell) She still won't really talk to me which I think is a bit mean but c'est la vie.
You have to be sensitive to a point (I'd never say oh I just fall pregnant so easily or we weren't even ttc, not that you would or anything just giving an example of how some might be insensitive) but a good friend will welcome your joyful news and be happy for you.
Congratulations! x (and remember its a time of celebration for you too so don't get too bogged down in worrying about others reactions)

phlossie Sat 27-Aug-11 19:56:20

Nightmare Pam! I had to tell a friend who had recently miscarried and has trouble conceiving (and she knows I get pregnant really easily), but she was genuinely very happy for me.
Congratulations and good luck!

susey Sat 27-Aug-11 19:59:05

Thanks, Pam! You're right about avoiding saying anythng obviously insensitive, we've already realised we need to avoid mentioning how soon it happened. I guess all I can think about is how upset they might be 'behind closed doors', which is nothing i can do anything about realistically.

Really sorry to hear about your experience with your brother's partner, I hope she 'warms up' to it as time goes on sad

HumphreyCobbler Sat 27-Aug-11 20:03:07

When I was in the sad situation of having had losses and desperately wanting to be pregnant I would have liked to have been told by message/email as that would have given me a chance to compose myself. I could then have offeredr the necessary congratulations in my own time (which were genuine, it is just that I was sad for myself too iyswim).

The fact that you are sensitive to the potential issue indicates that you will do the right thing by your friends.

susey Sat 27-Aug-11 20:09:22

Thank you HumphreyC - this is the kind of first-hand advice I need. Such a good point - if I told them on the phone (most likely option) they might have to react instantly which is unfair.

And thanks phlossie!

Daisybell1 Sat 27-Aug-11 20:13:16

The week after I found out I was pregnant, my OH's best friends' baby was stillborn. This has really clouded my pregnancy - I know we didn't set out to hurt them deliberately, however I was in pieces initially feeling that we were about to compound their pain.

Anyway, in terms of telling them, my OH popped by and saw his (male) friend when he knew he would be alone. He broke the news personally, and then left his friend to tell his wife, in private. We also told them first and then waited a while before telling others to give them space and time. We hope that this was the most sensitive way of telling them.

ciwi Sat 27-Aug-11 21:06:59

I agree with humphrey a text message is probably best and try to avoid sending it when they are in work etc. My friend texted me with her news when I was in work and I was so upset I had to go home. My first baby was stillborn and I found it very hard to take the news of other people's pregnancies very well at all. I can't speak for other people but I know I just needed time to get used to it and I would be very upset if I got upset in front of people iykwim, it would make me feel like a horrible person. I was always happy for people but so sad for myself so don't take it personally if they are upset, it's not that they are not happy for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy too x

Blackkat Sat 27-Aug-11 21:31:45

Hi Susey congratulations on your BFP smile wishing you all the best for the next few months!

Thoughtful of you to think about this; having been on the receiving end of finding out news in many different ways during struggling TTC for over 3 years and a m/c, I'd agree with Humphrey and and say that a private text/email and with Daisy that time in advance of everyone else knowing would be the easiest way of finding out. I was genuinely happy for friends, but sometimes needed a bit of time privately to work through my feelings about our disappointment before I could be cheerful in public. I've had some awful phone calls with people when I'd just miscarried as they told me their good news and I've lost count of the times I've tried not to cry in public when I've been told on a night out. So I'd say your friends are very lucky to have such a thoughtful friend.

susey Sun 28-Aug-11 08:53:27

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, I know this isn't an easy topic to talk about. And thank you for the reassurance/perspective - I initially wanted to phone them but I can see now it'd be better to message and let them contact me in their own time.

PinkFondantFancy Sun 28-Aug-11 09:28:45

susey I just wanted to second what blackat and daisy said. I think it's lovely of you to try and handle this as sensitively as you can. The only other thing I can add is to try not to be offended if they keep their distance from you a bit. One of my really good friends announced her pregnancy shortly after my MC and although I was thrilled for her, it was clouded by feeling sorry for myself and didn't really want to he near her bump. It's just a coping strategy, so try not to let it affect your and your OH's enjoyment of this exciting time.

All the best for an uneventful and enjoyable few months!!

Biscuitsandtea Sun 28-Aug-11 09:31:05

This is a really interesting thread as I have a similar predicament. I hope you don't mind if I hijack a bit?

We were ttc for 19 months, and about to start Clomid when we got our long awaited BFP. We have one particular set of friends who were in the same position - we were at the same stage with the fertility investigations, at the same clinic etc etc. Our most recent appt at the clinic was brought forward and we were given the Clomid (if they hadn't brought it forward we would have had BFP before and not needed it iyswim).

Now, because my friend has been going through it all at the same time we always told each other how the appts went so she knows we were given the Clomid.

Their next appt is this week I think and I don't know when and how to tell them. I am 10 weeks almost now and would like to wait ideally until after our scan (in 3 weeks).

I am super conscious about this having been on the receiving end of announcements while struggling ttc. I feel bad that we haven't told them already as we told them everything else, but having had a mc before I am too scared to tell early.

I guess I know that a text in the evening is best but I feel a bit bad about having left it so long to tell them. Or what I should do if she tells me about their appt this week and asks how the Clomid is going? I feel like I have been a bit 'deceitful' hmm

I am blindly clinging on to a hope that they might have got pg too!

Ilovekittyelise Sun 28-Aug-11 09:31:12

Hi

I was kind of in the situation last year: got pregnant easily but then had a termination for abnormalities and desperately wanted to be pregnant. I dont think I would have liked to hear by text, certainly, or phone, definitely email or face to face. Luckily it wasnt long before i was pregnant again. Long term TTC-ers have been more forgiving to me this time around because i have done my share of suffering....

Like others have said, the very fact that it's praying on your mind suggests you are a kind and sensitive person and will do the right things by friends. Hopefully your friends are as nice as you and will be able to be happy for you.

I think the whole TTC thing can be a little bit like mental illness (I'm not saying people TTC are mentally ill just drawing a parallel in behaviour and have been in both situations with severe anxiety and TTC!), you can become very self-obsessed in your own little bubble and do less of thinking about how other people feel than you might usually, and the whole world is all about you getting pregnant, how dare anyone else. Try to remember that if others arent able to see past this, its not your fault, and you shouldnt feel guilty.

Biscuitsandtea Sun 28-Aug-11 09:32:03

Oh, and congratulations on your pg Susie grin

HidingInTheUndergrowth Sun 28-Aug-11 12:12:48

I think the advice you have had on here is great and it lovely that you are thinking about this in advance. It just shows what a good friend you are. I would send an email rather then a text just because I think an email can be less abrupt, and this is what I will be doing with one of my friends who I know has been ttc for a while now.

As you have already said I actually think the main thing is what to avoid saying. I was ttc for 18 months with one mc in there, and I have to say there were a couple of phrases that made me want to punch people (even though I was happy for them deep down). The main one which came up quite a bit was the classic 'well it really was a surprise as we had barely even started trying'.

Also, though I know it's hard I would try and find someone else to moan at about the more tiresome bits of pregnancy. I found my patience wore thin with pregnant friends telling me how rubbish and tired they felt when I would have given my right arm to be in their position.

Gooseysgirl Mon 29-Aug-11 11:24:40

Hi there, I'm 14 weeks pregnant and agonised over this recently as I have a work colleague undergoing her final attempt at IVF... she has been to hell and back with at least two mcs that I'm aware of, and the rest failed attempts at IVF over the last 10 years. We are teachers and on summer hols at the moment and in the end I decided to send her a text with the news as I didn't think it was fair to phone her or arrange to tell her face-to-face. Knowing her as well as I do I think this was definitely the best way to handle it - it gave her time to react privately, I eventually had a lovely text back from her congratulating us... but I know how difficult she probably found the news to hear...and will appreciate knowing before we head back to work this week when I share the news with the rest of my colleagues. In fact any of my friends who I suspected of ttc I texted instead of phoning, mainly because I didn't like being phoned with the news myself while ttc... it can be v hard trying to sound excited for someone announcing pregnancy when you're desperate to be in the same situation yourself and just feel like throwing the phone at the wall when each pregnancy announcement call comes through... eventhough at the same time I was delighted for them all... I had very mixed emotions... it's a tough one!

MmeLindor. Mon 29-Aug-11 11:29:57

Congratulations, and good for you for being so sensitive to your friend's feelings. I hope that they take it well.

Pam
Your brother's DP is being rather unreasonable, imo. 6 months is nothing in terms of TTCing.

plupervert Mon 29-Aug-11 12:24:21

I totally agree that the best thing to do is not "ambush" someone with news, but give them a chance to come to terms with it, so they don't feel trapped into expressing congratulations they don't feel yet (and I don't think it's arrogant to assume there will be congratulations; we should have faith in our friends' good hearts, no matter how broken those hearts might be in places).

I had two people to tell of my pregnancy this year: one who'd had a series of miscarriages, and another who'd had a stillbirth. In both cases, I wrote a letter, and made sure I hadn't told anyone they would find out from before I could tell them. Although I'm now 25+ weeks, there is still one couple left to tell, friends of my DH who've also had a string of miscarriages, and who were actually due to have a baby at the same time as us. I think, from their Facebook pictures, that this pregancy hasn't made it, either, so I have been pressuring DH to get on to his friend (the husband) and tell him, so it's not a nasty shock in December, just when they are thinking about what they might have been doing right then....

notlettingthefearshow Mon 29-Aug-11 20:27:03

I would tell the friend asap and build up / warn her so that she suspects it and can prepare herself, e.g. text to say you have some happy news. I'm sure she will be genuinely happy for you, but at the same time it's hard to take.

I know it's not the same as such, but I tried to be sensitive in telling several friends who are 40+, single and I know would love to have children.

I think it's not just the telling but how you talk about it during pregnancy and afterwards. I would say, don't whinge, don't go on about it, and tread a fine line between being too over the moon and not being grateful enough. I think I said we felt lucky but we said this to everyone as that's how we feel. We had been trying for 8 months, which is probably average for my age (35).

I recently told friends who I think (although they have never said - if it has come up in the past they change the subject and I don't want to push it) having been TTC for years. We tried to be sensitive about it and they had almost no reaction, showed no interest, didn't ask any questions etc. Instead they talked about themselves, to the point of rudeness, all day. We both found this quite hurtful, especially me as I have known her for 20 years. I have accepted this attitude but I'm not sure how our friendship will bear out in the long term. Any hints gratefully received!

bcmummy Tue 30-Aug-11 14:27:03

Just wanted to let everyone on here know there was a really interesting discussion about this very thing on Jeremy Vine's show on Radio 2 at lunchtime today - specifically about the feelings you have when you are ttc and your friend tells you she is pregnant. There were lots of interesting and differing points of view. You can listen to it on the iplayer if you are interested - the relevant bit starts about 1 hr into the show.

Biscuitsandtea Tue 30-Aug-11 18:38:51

Thank you bcmummy - what a good interview.

Just listening to the bit about Kate Silverton - she is hitting nails on the head left right and centre!! I particularly relate to the bits she says about almost feeling guilty for joining the 'pregnant' club!

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