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Down in the dumps :(

(8 Posts)
pruney1977 Tue 23-Aug-11 21:55:22

I'm fed up tonight. Just posting really as feeling alone and isolated and need to vent.
I'm currently 22+6 and DH is away on a course in Manchester this week until Thursday night. He was also there Weds-Fri last week.
He's applied to go on another course with work which will mean he is away for the whole week when I'm 28w, 32w and 37w. I really don't want him to go and I've made that very clear but he's agreed to travel daily to the course for the latter 2 weeks (when I'm 32w and 37w) - it'll be a 4hr round trip each day on the train.
Today I also found out that my mother is going away to Morocco when I'm 37w and I don't begrudge her going, she did try to book for October but that trip was cancelled and this is the alternative.
This is my first pregnancy, it's classed as high risk mainly due to my BMI (57) and although I've been incredibly well and healthy throughout so far, I do feel so insecure and feeble when I'm alone. He was away for a course in July for a week and I was very teary and emotional but this week I just feel despondent. I almost feel like I'm going to be a single parent which is totally ridiculous because DH will be a great dad and has looked after me really well.
He just doesn't seem to understand how I feel about him doing this course. Although him travelling daily is better than him staying over for a week he'll still be at least 2 hours away should anything happen to me.
I just feel pathetic and miserable today, I feel like he isn't treating my feelings and my worries about being on my own as I get closer to the due date with the seriousness he should be.
I'm considering whether I should tell him to withdraw his application as they will, in all likelihood, run the course again in the future and I'm not bothered if he goes after the baby has arrived, I just don't want him to go when I'm pregnant. It'll mean that he'll have been away for almost a month of my pregnancy.
Sorry to go on, if anyone is still reading, any views on whether it's selfish to ask him to postpone the course? My mother thinks it'd be holding him back sad

justabigdisco Tue 23-Aug-11 22:30:13

I bet once baby comes you'll prefer to have him at home with you, probs best to get it out the way now?

needsanswers Tue 23-Aug-11 22:32:20

hi there, i didnt want your post to go un noticed, as far as asking him to postpone it... believe me when i say you will want him home much much more when your baby comes, rather then being preg but i completely understand why you dont want to be alone. A similar situation happend to me when i was 35weeks preg with dd, Dh was offered a free trip to australia (3hours plane ride from where we live) he would of been gone 9days i know it was very selfish of me but i asked him not to go, just for the fact of what if something went wrong and he coulnd get a flight till the next day etc i felt very selfish afterwards for the fact that nothing did happen within that time period.. maybe try talking to your Dh again, i hope you come to a decision you are both happy with, sorry i couldnt be much help but goodluck!

notlettingthefearshow Tue 23-Aug-11 23:36:12

I feel similar about not wanting DH far away even now, but certainly would not like him away for days on end in the final few weeks. However, commuting is a good compromise, and 2 hours away is pretty reasonable if you are rushed into hospital.

I wouldn't ask him to postpone it as it will definitely be harder for him to be away once the baby is born. Also he would probably be knackered then and perhaps less able to make the most of such opportunities.

I am at the same stage of pregnancy as you and am having a slightly weepy, needy stage (attractive!) - but it is typical to feel very emotional, just a lot of get used to, and my DH is surprised/confused too. For me it comes and goes, but is worse when I'm tired. I think it may take a lot longer for expectant fathers to believe they are going to be parents, since they don't have the physical changes we have. It's important that your partner can at least try to understand how you feel, even if he is not changing his plans. You should try to explain your fears and how strange and different it is to be pregnant. Also be specific about your worries - e.g. if X happens, if Y happens - t make it more real to him, not just your imagination going wild.

Also, I would try to find some support locally either in current friends or from antenatal groups. Join some activities now in preparation. This will be important when you're on maternity leave and you're on your own all day, especially if your partner is away or working long hours.

pruney1977 Wed 24-Aug-11 00:10:29

Thanks guys, I hadn't really thought that I might prefer him to be around after the baby has arrived, it just annoys me that he's never really done these things prior to me getting pregnant and we've been married for 13 years. However now, he's suddenly doing all these courses and he's talking about it might potentially lead somewhere when he's never been ambitious before. I don't know why he couldn't have done these things before, it's like he's suddenly decided he has to do these things to provide for us when what he already does is enough. That sounds awful I know, but my priority right now is to have my husband by my side.
He knows it's a high risk pregnancy but he doesn't seem to realise the risk is really nearer the end, he thinks because I've been well so far that will just continue. I feel the same to some extent, I feel positive about my health but I just don't feel he's taking it seriously. It's like he just thinks all will be well, he doesn't even acknowledge that I'm at higher risk for a lot more things than a pregnant person of normal weight.

MsChanandlerBong Wed 24-Aug-11 08:39:56

We went to our NCT course over the weekend, and at one stage had to split into two groups (male/female) and write down what we were feeling about the pregnancy/new addition and what we felt the other person was feeling.

I (for one!) was incredibly surprised at how much responsibility the men felt for 'providing' for the family. Whether that be just over the maternity leave period, or on an ongoing basis. And it made sense of a few conversations me and DH have had over the past few weeks, whereby he is worrying much more about work than usual (job security, trying to get promoted, what his best next move might be).

So my guess is that your DH suddenly feels the weight of financial responsibility on his shoulders to provide for you and your little one, to make life as comfortable and safe for the two of you. Hence this sudden interest in potentially career-advancing courses. So whilst it probably sucks to have him be away for so long (I would be really upset too fwiw) I think his intentions are probably really lovely.

I would try (again?) to have a conversation with him about this. To discuss your worries, and make sure you have a contingency plan for if anything does kick off whilst he is away. But also to find out from him exactly why he is suddenly so keen to do all these courses. Once I understood why my DH was acting so out of character it made me love him all the more... and give him a good talking to about how we are in this together. grin

sleepevader Wed 24-Aug-11 10:19:25

I think your partner is just ceasing the opportunity to improve his earning power. That sudden ambition is due to his impending fatherhood.

Personally I wouldnt expect him to return home at 32 or even 37 wks. I would rather my partner was refreshed for the course. In an emergency could he get a taxi back if he didnt have access to car?

pruney1977 Wed 24-Aug-11 15:01:23

He's withdrawn his application for the course and is going to reapply next year. The course wouldn't improve his earning power or promotion chances, it's a course that employees can do which will help the business because you can take on extra duties but you don't get any extra money for it and it doesn't improve your promotion chances (he's a civil servant and even if it did improve his chances of promotion, there is a recruitment freeze on).
I told him I was going to send him an email so I could get all my feelings down and explain why I'd been distant on the phone last night but he took his name off the list before I even sent it. I still sent him one explaining all my concerns and why I was so relieved he'd taken his name off.
I think the baby will be here before 37 weeks anyway so he wouldn't have been able to complete it anyway.
Thanks for all your responses though, it did help me think about other issues that he might have (and ones I should be thinking about as well!) but ultimately, I really wanted him to cancel it and he has done so I'm relieved.

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