19 weeks and my husband doesn't want to make love(16 Posts)
Before I was pregnant, we used to have sex regularly. In fact, he was always keen.
Last week I had asked him if he had gone off the idea, since it had been so long, and he said not at all, just we have been busy decorating and not really got round to it. We hadn't been to bed together for about 6 weeks until today, when I suggested it. This is the longest ever!
But he stopped half way through, and said when he thought about the baby it made him feel weird. I can understand this, but I feel really sad about it. I cried then. It's not just the sex, but the closeness that comes with it that I am missing. Like I say, we have been decorating, and he works at night, and gets up early. I just feel like when we are making love that is when I get all my proper kisses and cuddles, so I am missing out on that affection.
I explained this to him, we talked about it and I think we understand each other. I can't see him feeling any less weird about it as I become more pregnant. I don't know what I want anyone to tell me really, just feel sad about this.
How about doing other stuff rather then full on sex? or is it all a no go.
My DH went funny like this. He said he worried his "enormous womb-wrecker" might hurt the baby.
We have dtd twice since I found out I was pg (40+4 now). DH is just totally freaked out by it. I've even resorted to begging but no.
We're very affectionate though and I get kisses and cuddles all the time. It doesn't help that if you're anything like me I was raging for it in my second trimester!
Try to understand a little bit - it is difficult for them to see your body changing - but he should also be understanding that you're having these changes and this is your "link" with him too. Can you do other stuff that will make you feel your connection?
Crosshair, he was just being so careful with me that it was hard to get anywhere with it, IYSWIM. I don't even mind about the sex so much, but you are probably right about trying other stuff!
BOH, that's funny!
Thanks for the replies.
Lovely responses HereIGo and JenniferYellowHat.
I know he has gone into super-hunter-gatherer mode since I became pregnant, working and decorating like a nutter, so he is showing his care in other ways. He did say he thinks I look beautiful, just strange to have sex. But yes, I do have to guess what is in his head, and even when I get it right, he usually makes me work for it a bit before admitting that I have hit the nail on the head.
We both didn't want to do it in the first trimester because if I bled, I didn't want the worry of a potential miscarriage but I was all ready to do the deed at 14 weeks (we'd agreed it would happen then). However, due to DH's reluctance, I didn't get my leg over until 16wks and that was only because I did go on about it a bit. Once we'd done it that first time he relaxed about harming me or the baby but still only happens about once every 3 weeks (which, to be fair is probably not unlike our sex life pre-pregnancy except then we'd do it a lot around ovulation time and just a bit in-between). But once he'd done it that first time and I didn't bleed or get any pain, he did relax about it.
Perhaps have a chat about it with him again? It was the thought of no sex for the rest of this year that made me talk about it with him but my DH sometimes does need to be pushed about things, we still didn't do it until he instigated it and felt comfortable to do so.
I'm 26wks with dc2. Both pregnancies DH went off the idea of sex at about 16wks. I tried to be all understanding but pointed out I might not want sex for weeks or months after the birth, he gradually came round and we were at it like rabbits again. This time I just rolled my eyes and told him if he wasn't going to service me I'd have to find it elsewhere (part joke). Then sent him lots of dirty texts and emails when I went away for a week, he was very up for it when I got back. Damnit I wasn't going to loose the opportunity of wanting sex when normally I'm too grumpy or tired
ha ha, the texts and emails sounded like they worked well!
I feel lucky that my husband is still up for sex, and I do feel that it's a really natural thing to keep having sex while pregnant if you are both up for it. Before I got pregnant I had a really low sex drive, but it just keeps getting higher and higher the further on in my pregnancy I get! I don't always have the energy for sex, but if I don't then my dreams make up for it !
at the beginning of my pregnancy I got a great book Your Orgasmic Pregnancy: Little Sex Secrets Every Hot Mama Should Know, and I found myself reading a few bits aloud to my DH about how safe it was, how protected the baby was by the amniotic sac etc. it had loads of interesting facts such as sperm prevents miscarriage in early pregnancy,*
can prevent premature birth, and at the end of pregnancy helps to bring on labour. There are also safe positions for every trimester so you can be sure you aren't hurting the baby. I enjoyed this book because it really helped to turn around the idea in my mind, that sex and pregnancy just don't go together, culturally I think we find it a bit hard to understand, but actually pregnancy can be a very sexual time in a woman's life, and the baby doesn't actually have a clue what's going on!
*oral sex apparently- because injesting sperm prevents the body rejecting the embryo thinking it is a foreign body, because if the sperm are swallowed then it 'recongises' it or something!
I say you need to go to bed at the same time, and make sure he understands t hat you need the physical closeness, even if not the sex.
you need to hold hands, to hug, to kiss, all of that, it doesn't always have to be sex.
the physical closeness, the touching and affection are all part of feeling close to each other, and feeling cared for and loved.
what about this suggestion:
DH and I always undress each other and put each other in pyjamas.
every night, when we go to bed together.
it very rarely means we're going to have sex that night - it's our routine, and it keeps us physically close, and it means that we can have hugs and kisses without sex being on the agenda.
and we have a big huggy cuddle before we go to sleep.
Thanks everyone, some good suggestions, and helps to talk about it to other pregnant people. I'll look out for that book lucindapie, thank you! Unfortunately, his work schedule means we rarely go to bed at the same time - he is usually at work when I go to bed. But you have completely understood me nickelbabe about the closeness and needing physical contact.
then you've both got to try to make the effort to hug whenever you cross paths
like, if he's there when you're washing the pots, he could give you a hug (or vice versa!)
or, when you sit on the settee watching telly, hug up then (this doesn't last long when you've PG back ache, though!)
I had this with my last pregnancy. It was dp's first baby (my 2nd) and he didn't want to have sex 'in case it hurts the baby'. It KILLED me, as my sex drive was through the roof for the whole pregnancy.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.