Feelings for Second Baby

[taten]

I have just found out I am pregnant with my second baby, literally this morning! Its definitely what my husband and I wanted but now I have been hit with panic about what my feelings for this baby will be. I find it hard to imagine that I am going to feel the depth of feeling for this one that I do for my daughter... If anyone could tell me what their experiences have been I would really appreciate it.

[iskra]

Oh, I was thinking about starting this thread! I am 36w with number 2, & feel like I haven't done any of the mental work at all... We don't have a name, we are in the middle of moving house, all the baby's (handmedown) stuff is all packed away, I feel like she is being shortchanged right from the start & it's going to be a bombshell when she's here! Agh.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I thnk a little panic on findng out you are pregnant again is perfectly normal, even with a much wanted baby. Afterall it is your second and you know how much this baby will turn your life upside down .

As for me, I felt exactly the same when I found out about DC2. Overjoyed but full of trepidation. She is now 4 and I couldn't love them both more if I tried.

Once the panic has died down I'm sure you will enjoy it.

[icravecheese]

Pleeeeease do not worry about having feelings like this - I recall sitting in my DC1's bedroom watching him sleep, when I was about 38wks preg with DC2, sobbing because I was distraught at how I was going to love another little person as much as DC1 / how would I give DC1 attention whilst tending to a newborn etc etc.

Once DC2 was born, we instantly fell in love with our new baby, DC1 took a bit of time getting used to DC2 (used to give her the odd whack when I was changing nappy etc!) but they really are adorable best of friends now.

I'm now 31wks with DC3 & have honestly not worried one bit about feelings for baby no3 or how DC1 and DC2 will cope once a newborn arrives, because I know they will all be just fine.

So don't worry, its natural to feel the way you are feeling. Big congrats on your pregnancy, just go with the flow & enjoy!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Oh and taten if you can, try to have some time to focus on yourself and the new baby, it should help you get in the right frame of mind. My lovely MIL had DS for me for a couple of hours a week while I went to pregnancy yoga and it really helped me bond with DC2 and relax.

It might be worth asking your local NCT if they do refresher courses too. That way you can get prepared and meet some other Mums who are going through the same experiences as you, and you will see that what you are feeling is perfectly normal

[Cattleprod]

Congratulations!!

I think of it this way.....I love my dad, and this doesn't mean I love my mum any less (I realise this analogy doesn't work if you don't get on with your parents, but you know what I mean). Your feelings expand to include everyone in your life.

Having said that, I'm 30 weeks with number 2 and absolutely nothing is ready for him/her!

[LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn]

I've been struggling with this throughout my pregnancy and am 37 weeks tomorrow. Am just hoping it all sorts itself out once he is her, or I'm in big trouble!

[pozzled]

It will all be absolutely fine! I felt the same as you- worried that I wouldn't feel the same, worried that my relationship with DD1 would change. Also, as iskra describes worried that DD2 would be short-changed with all the hand-me-downs and not having the same amount of individual attention.

But DD2 is now 10 weeks and I am utterly in love with her! It is different from DD1 in some ways- less awe and amazement at suddenly being responsible for a newborn, but more of a comfortable, right feeling. She gets less 1 to 1 time but because of having an older child she has done more- she's been swimming twice already, DD1 had barely been out of the house. DD1 loves her almost as much as DH and I do. Altogether it has been much easier than I expected and it really does feel so right, definitely the best decision for our family.

[feetheart]

icravecheese - me too, heavily pg, sitting sobbing in DD's room wondering if I was going to ruin her life.

They are now 5 and 8, love each other most of the time and their lives are hugely enriched by having each other.

As for me - love is a bit like chocolate cake, with each pregnancy the cake just gets bigger :o

[pictish]

I used to wonder how on earth I could ever love any other child as much as I love my oldest.

When it comes down to it OP, and that wee baby is in your arms....you just do.

[taten]

thanks, I was so scared first time round and really questioned whether I wanted children at all, now I wouldnt be without my little girl. I suppose I had thought about how you can possibly feel the same way about a second child but until I found out I was pregnant I hadnt had to really address it and I imagine I may just feel this way until the little one is born! I think having some time for just me and my new bump is a fantastic idea and my MIL would love to have DD each week. My little girl is very attached to me though, do you think its worthwhile gently easing her into a routine where she spends more time with her Dad?

[taten]

btw DD has just turned 1, is this good or bad? I had heard that when they are fairly young jealousy doesnt tend to flair up as badly???

[pictish]

There are only 14 months between my younger two, and jealousy has never been an issue. Ds2 was so young when dd came along that he just accepted it, and has no recall of life before she was there.
They are very close now, aged 3.8 and 2.6.

[icravecheese]

Sounds like you have identical age gap to mine - I fell preg with DC2 when DC1 turned 1yr old (20month gap). DC1 did have his 'moments' with DC2 in the early weeks - like I said above, every now and again he gave her a whack on her face when I was changing her nappy. It was probably more for reaction than true jealousy though, & the fact he was heading towards 'terrible two's' when she arrived!

They totally adore each other now (most of the time - just started the comical "you're not my friend anymore" phase, which lasts all of 5mins!).

And yes, defo get DD to spend some quality time with daddy - even if its just little trips out / daddy doing bedtime routine a few nights a week. DS1 was very attached to me before DD1 arrived, but quickly changed allegiance to daddy when he knew he'd get more attention from him whilst I had a newborn permanently attached to me!

[CaptainNancy]

I was so, so worried about this, and posted about it when I was pg. The best advice I had was this-

You're imagining your love is a pie, and you've already given a piece to your partner and a piece to DC1, and are worried about what crumbs are left for DC2. What actually happens when you have your 2nd child is that you're given another pie.

It was all true.

[taten]

Thanks everyone, I am starting to feel a bit better. I posted here when I was pregnant with DD1 and everyone's responses made such a huge difference and made me feel so much better. :o

[daimbardiva]

iskra - I could have written your post! I feel like I haven't devoted any time to getting ready for our second baby, who'll be here in 6 weeks! We too are in the middle of house renovations, havent' organised anything clothes-wise or cot-wise, and the baby is just oging to have to "fit in".

I also felt really guilty when I got pregnant at how my ds won't be my one and only anymore and the impact on him of a new baby...so guilt from both directions!!!

Now I'm thinking that it's all just because having been through it once, I know I'll cope no matter what an upheaval we're in, and also because I just literally don't have the time to prepare for this new arrival the way I did for ds.

It will all be fine for all of us :)

[Haribojoe]

I read somewhere that each time you have a baby your heart grows a little bigger.

I know it's a bit naff but I like to think it's true.

[AmberLeaf]

I wondered the same when I was pregnant with DC2.

I thought I would have to divide the love I felt.

Honestly, I know it sounds cheesy but you just 'make' more love!

Congratulations!

[Bumpsadaisie]

Yep, 32 weeks with DC2 and me, DH and grandparents have all been saying we feel a bit bad for this little one this time round as it doesn't get half the attention and mental energy that we all put into our precious pfb/precious first grandchild DD1!

There just isn't the time, you don't need to buy all the kit again etc. Also I haven't yet been able to find out whether its DS1 or DD2, and that has made it feel more distant for me.

But have a scan in a couple of weeks (low lying placenta) and if we find out I am going to buy a few nice new things especially for this baby, and DH is going to recondition and clean the pram so its ready "as new" and I think that will help us feel we are making room for DC2.

I am sure once he/she is here we will love him/her to bits. If anything I am slightly worried I will be in a hormone/bfing induced love-in with baby and poor old DD will be pushed out as I will feel she is a large stroppy toddler who is interfering with me and my baby!

Everyone who has been there before me assures me it will all be fine though!

[blueShark]

its a natural feeling with number 2. I never thought I would love DC2 as much as DC1 until I had him in my hands....love at first sight! Now pg with DC3 I never had doubts...

[taten]

any top tips from those of you who have already had a second?

[drcrab]

It's a very natural feeling but all good. we were like that too when pregnant with the 2nd. DC2 is now nearly 11 months old...and we completely loved her the moment she arrived.

Top tips: We bought DS a present from DD and till this day 11 months on, he tells people that baby bought him the doctor's kit (probably v appropriate since he came to visit me in hospital and could help 'take care of me').

• got DH to start doing night stuff with him, like the bath and story time. so that he wouldn't panic and freak out when I was in hospital and couldn't sing him his bedtime song.
  

• if not done already, start going out in the evenings so that someone else can babysit him so that he gets used to it (whether it's grandparents or friends; we don't have family nearby, so DS ended up being outsourced with friends... and he was perfectly fine!).
  

• start typing/writing up a list of things that your DC needs doing/loves doing/routine. like having milk in a particular cup, times (6pm, dinner, 6.30 bath, 7pm story...etc).

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Get a sling that is easy to use and you are happy with. Our DC2 spent alot of time in her sling, at playgroup etc or just while I was cooking the tea or playing with DC1.

[miamama09]

I feel so much better reading this thread and knowing I am not the only one worried about this once DC2 arrives!
I think we all know deep down, once we have the new ickle baby in our arms we will feel just as much love, but it's still hard to think you could love another one as much as DC1.
I think the present from DC2 or DC1 is a great idea, and already have this on my list of things to do.
Will also suggest to DH that he starts doing more of DD's routine with her at bedtime, as this will really help once new baby arrives.
Good luck!

[drcrab]

meant to say that the list of things that DC needs doing/routine is for his babysitters whilst you're away giving birth (even if the babysitters are v familiar with him, it's good to talk them through it at least, and know where the dummies/milk bottles/smelly muslin that the DC needs for bed/comfort!)