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Best friend just told me shes pregnant...

(20 Posts)
Honeypie80 Thu 11-Aug-11 05:03:51

and i cant help feeling so sad and jealous, we had both been trying since xmas time, i fell pregnant in march but had a mc at 6 weeks, so she takes me to a cafe with tons of people in it and tells me yesterday shes 11 weeks,i was really happy and excited for her then after a little while it sunk in and all i wanted to do was be alone to have a cry.

im shocked she kept it secret that long really but understand her reasons i just mean she normally loves a good goss! i feel so crappy cos im so jealous, its all i can think of, i cant sleep just feel so down, im meant to be seeing her again tonight and i really dont think i can face her just yet. i really dont want to feel like this.

Ive had other women who have become pregnant recently like my cousin and i was fine, a little jealous obviously but it passed in a few hours, this though is eating into me for some reason and i dont like it!

Shanghai Thu 11-Aug-11 05:14:22

You poor thing. It's totally understandable that you're feeling sad as you'd like to be in her shoes! She probably waited this long to tell you because she knew that. You've done a good job being happy for her and done the whole "how exciting" bit, now there is no reason why you can't cancel tonight - be honest if you can (or make a good excuse!), take a step back and give yourself time to deal with it - just don't leave it too long or it will get harder to see her again. It might help (or might not!!) to think about how she must have felt when you got pregnant in March - life is full of twists and turns and your turn will come again. Of course it's pretty impossible to think rationally about anything pregnancy related when you're ttc - it becomes all consuming and it's really hard to see other people getting exactly what you want - give yourself a break, take some time to feel rubbish about it and hopefully you'll find that you can get yourself to a place where you are truely happy for her (or at least better at faking it!).
Hugs

Pudding2be Thu 11-Aug-11 07:13:17

I know exactly how you feel. It took us two years and loads of tests before we conceived.

Meanwhile EVERYONE was getting pregnant around me. I think at work there was about 8 colleagues over the two years, so it wasn't like I could escape the baby talk and the 'oh, we got pregnant first time' angry or even worse an accident ffs.

It will get easier to watch others get pregnant. It sounds like your friend doesnt understand what it's like ttc. It's still a bit raw for you, so I would make an excuse and give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea

It does get a bit easier to see other people pregnant. and it will happen for you.

<<a very un MN hug>>

LoveInAColdClimate Thu 11-Aug-11 07:27:19

Trust me, feeling like you do is totally normal and doesn't say anything negative about you. TTC is hard when it doesn't happen instantly. Are you on the conception board here? I found it a wonderful source of support. Good luck.

PinkFondantFancy Thu 11-Aug-11 08:00:35

I agree with the others that your feelings are completely normal. I found the TTC after mc thread on the conception board a huge source of support, as it made me realise I wasn't alone in having feelings like you are.

I'm really sorry for your loss, and I hope your BFP is just around the corner.

In the meantime, do what you need to do to look after yourself-if that involves keeping your distance from your friend a bit, that's ok

Honeypie80 Thu 11-Aug-11 08:36:23

Thank you for the lovely replies, i was afraid of being called a monster for even writing how i felt down.I know she was ttc for a while too and had difficulties which she thought was maybe down to her age, but thankfully she is ok now. My initial response was one of overwhelming happiness for her and her dp, but i was so shocked at how quickly that disappeared the more she was talking about how she'd felt over the past weeks to be replaced with jealousy, then weirdly i came home and googled what id be feeling now if i were still pregnant, how weird am I.

I dont like feeling jealous, it eats me up and depresses me so usually i find yoga a way to clear my mind, but even that's not helping at the minute, everything around me brings me back to this. I didnt want to tell anyone about my own pg until the 12 weeks had passed, so i told her about the mc after it had happened and she hadn't even known i was pregnant, around that time her sil also announced she was expecting and she was so mad and jealous. She has since sent me a message though saying she was very wary of telling me as she knew how i would feel, she knows i just need a bit of time but hopes ill be ok, i hope so too. im ready to test again next wednesday so fingers crossed but i think i need to stop for a while, im becoming a pregnancy monster!

benne81 Thu 11-Aug-11 09:59:05

Hi Honey it is understandable how your are feeling but its really important that you don't let this take over. Recognise that this is how you feel and that there is the pregnancy monster lurking but don't let it take control. Rise above it and be happy for your friend. You seem to be angry at your friend for waiting so long to tell you, yet you admit that you would have done the same. I think you want to take out your anger/ sadness on her which isn't fair (and you know that deep down). Rise above it and be happy for her, as you would want and expect her to be for you.

Catsycat Thu 11-Aug-11 10:10:28

Honey you're not a monster at all!

I had a mc at 10.5 weeks at the end of june, then found out last week that one of DH's nieces is pg, and due a couple of weeks before I was. I felt really angry and that I deserved to be pg more than she did!!! I know that sounds horrible, and DH got a bit cross and said "what does her being pg have to do with us"??? I have other pg friends, and honestly have no problem with them being pg, discussing the baby or anything. DH's niece had her other 2 children very close to when I had my two DDs, so I think it was that that made me feel worse about her pregnancy (and DH didn't tell his family about my mc, so I was ambushed by the news without anyone trying to "soften the blow" at all).

Sounds like your friend knew you would be upset, and probably chose to tell you somewhere busy so that you might feel you couldn't show that it had upset you. One of my friends told another friend she was pg in a cafe - the friend had been ttc for a while and excused herself to go to the loo, where she sat and cried for a bit before returning to the table. But she was still happy for my friend, like you are for yours, just sad for herself and wishing it could be her too. There is nothing monstrous or wrong about feeling that.

Beesok Thu 11-Aug-11 10:14:08

I hope you don't find my post patronising or offensive, am sort of on the "other side": am 30 wks pregnant and have a friend who has been trying since last Christmas and it's not working out for her - in a way it helps that she lives in a different country so she doesn't have to "see" my bump etc but we are close and so are our husbands and this has become a taboo thing in emails etc. I feel really bad for her as we also suffered a miscarriage before this pregnancy and went through a tough time with random people announcing pregnancies not knowing that we were going through a MC (we didn't tell many people as it happened at 8 wks and we just wanted to move on), we are very lucky to have gotten pregnant pretty soon after that and didn't announce for a very long time - I think once you go through a loss your views on pregnancy change, it did take away a lot of the joy and caused lots of sleepless nights in the early stages...
Sorry for rambling but I just wanted to let you know that your friend is probably sensitive to your feelings and it must be hard her for her to share her news knowing how it may affect your feelings and I think she will understand if you need "time off" to go over it. What you are feeling is perfectly normal - you are only human. You seem like a lovely, considerate person and I do hope you will feel better about this and of course fingers crossed for that BPF smile

Franchini Thu 11-Aug-11 10:15:25

Totally normal to feel this way - don't feel guilty about it. It took me and OH 6 yrs to get pregnant and 3 IVFs, so had to deal with the same issue loads of times and best friend had two babies whilst we were trying (she got pregnant first month of trying with both babies - I was evil inside!) It will happen for you but its hard while you are waiting. You are not on your own!!! x x x

candr Thu 11-Aug-11 11:09:20

I am sure your friend will understand if you need some space. I have this from the other side as my twin sister has been desperate to have a baby for years and now I am pregnant. I try to only bring the baby into conversation if she asks and then make sure I do not ramble, it makes me very sad as I know she is very happy for me but finds it really hard to show enthusiasim as it makes her sad too but I know that she tries to make an effort as it is something she has to deal with otherwise we won't see much of each other. You are still fairly raw over her news and have a lot to deal with but you both need to try and understand each other and I really hope your turn comes quickly and you can both gush to your hearts content.

howabout Thu 11-Aug-11 12:19:00

I think your feelings are entirely normal. Just wanted to add that I think you should be honest with your friend about how you are feeling rather than start avoiding her and have her treading on eggshells round about you. Also sometimes being completely open and accepting of things like jealousy is the first step to overcoming it.

firsttimer84 Thu 11-Aug-11 12:58:18

I'm another one "on the other side" as it were. My SIL has been trying since christmas as well and I'm 8 months pregnant. We don't see each other much as we live 100 miles away, but just went on holiday with her and our families. I was very careful not to say anything pregnancy related and she didn't mention anything for the first 2 days, massive elephant (other than me!) in the room.

Your friend shouldn't have told you in front of others though, I would never have done that (if I've understand the OP correctly) but she may have felt awkward and worried how you'd react. Your friend should be able to understand you taking a step back for a while (I know I was).

I really hope you get the result you want soon x

Honeypie80 Thu 11-Aug-11 14:05:07

Hi

I dont think theres an ideal place to tell someone something they dont really want to hear,so she probably thought about telling me in an email. Im really not mad at her for waiting to tell me, i totally understand i meant it more in the way that i get an email every day about the latest piece of gossip in her workplace so i'm actually shocked she managed to keep a secret for the 1st time in her life smile.

Im honestly truly pleased for her, i'd never want her to feel like she couldnt talk to me about it, i feel so sad that some people have this happen to them, but can understand why. i really feel the same as the poster who said shed turned eveil, i think thats me right now being nasty to my partner for no reason, I think ill be fine, i've sent her an email to say i probably wont make it tonight but have tried to make plans for 1 night next week, dont want to feel like i've abandoned her and hopefully in a weeks time ill be back to my normal self ... i hope!

QueenCee Thu 11-Aug-11 14:54:18

I feel your pain!

Your feelings are very very normal. I had a mmc a few years ago. My SIL got PG very soon afterwards and i was utterly devastated, especially as we were ttc again and nothing was happening. DH told me the news and I couldnt bring myself to phone her for a day or 2. It was awful. i was a horrible, jealous cow.
It didnt help that she would literally lift her top up and rub her bump in front of me. I was totally consumed by it and put more pressure on me to conceive.

I did get PG when she was about 7 motnhs pg and now have a beautiful DD and pg again with dc2.

I felt i needed to back off and from SIL for the first few months of her PG as I couldnt bear all the talk about it. I was always polite and faked some interest but made no effort to contact her as it killed me. I know that sounds terrible, but it was what i needed to do to stay sane.

Do what you need to do and only what you can handle. Perhaps you could e mail her and explain that you still value her friendship but just need some time to get used to her being pg whilst youre trying.

pruney1977 Thu 11-Aug-11 15:36:03

I think your feelings are quite normal for someone in your position. We were ttc for 3.5 years and during that time, a friend got pregnant and she wanted to see me but I just couldn't whilst I was pregnant. I was depressed at the time and used that as an excuse but once the baby came along, I saw her pretty quickly and she knew why I'd stayed away and was really understanding. I was very happy with her but I just couldn't cope with seeing her bump and her happiness, it would've been too much. It was weird though that I had no issues seeing her and the baby once it was out. I think it was her managing to get pregnant that I found hard, not her being a mum. The same then happened when my SIL got pregnant earlier this year, my initial gut reaction was joy for them as they were about to start tests because it took them 7 or 8 months to conceive but it was soon replaced with worry and guilt because I felt like I couldn't congratulate her to her face although had done so to my BIL. It was all about her ability to get pregnant and my (apparent) inability to do so. Amazingly, we got pregnant shortly after that and I'm about 7 weeks behind her now.

georgethecat Thu 11-Aug-11 16:44:06

I understand how you are feeling. Had a mc earlier this year am pregnant again awaiting scan & freaking out. Just found out a hideous bully of an ex friend gave birth to twins. In normal circumstances I'd be all zen and good for them about it (even though we are no longer friends) but I feel irrationally cross because I have had problems and assuming (negative thinking) that I will in the future. I think you've got to allow yourself these feelings but don't let them consume you.........trying to get back to feeling zen but it is hard smile It is especially hard when these feelings come between current friendships, just talk to your friend. One of my best mates and her baby were weirdly the best therapy.

CollieandPup Thu 11-Aug-11 16:54:36

honey your feelings are more common than you could realise. I had a mc in dec at 12 weeks after ttcing since May. I had a text off a friend that she was 12 wk pregnant whilst I was miscarrying and I was just devestated. In fact, at first i'm ashamed to say i wasn't even pleased for her, i was just consumed by sadness and jealousy. Why had it worked out ok for her?! The weird thing was i had also had the same news from a colleague at work and also a friend who was heavily pg at the time, but i was ok around them. I think my feelings were compounded bcs i used to be close to this person and we have a lot in common in terms of age and circumstances etc.

Watching her bloom throughout her pregnancy has been hard, but it did get easier and of course it wasn't long before i was truley happy for her. But the pain won't go away, as what she has will always be a reminder of what you have lost. My friend had a lovely baby girl this week and i am so so happy for her, but i cried a little for myself and the baby i lost when i got the news.

Don't be hard on yourself, the jealousy will eventually fade and you'll be able to be happy for her - just don't be suprised if every now and again, the sadness catches you off guard.

As pink said above i was also on the ttc after mc thread on the conception board. A life line IMO see here

jenrendo Thu 11-Aug-11 16:56:55

Honey I know exactly how you feel. My BF told me she was pregnant on the way home from the IVF clinic after she had picked me up there after a procedure, with her DH and DD in the car. I had to be so happy, then I shut the door and bawled my eyes out. I had been in to get a cyst removed from my ovary before having my eggs collected and we had been trying for 3 years. This was our 4th round of IVFv (it failed). Looking back now I realise that she didn't know how to tell me, in fact none of my friends did. EVERYONE got pregnant while we wre trying and they were all terrified of telling me. I think I dealt with it pretty well but behind closed doors I was a wreck. Anyway, after giving up and being told we would never conceive without more IVF we got pregnant by accident. Then, when we told everyone they all cried their eyes out. I think they were all probably sooooo relieved for us (and themselves -the guilt was gone). All I can say is that since we have had our DS my lovely friends have spoken about how awful they felt when they found out they were pregnant because they didn't know how to tell me. I would never have wanted them to feel like that. Your time will come. Oh, and I agree with someone else who said that they found comfort and therapy with their friends' new babies. I certainly did. Good luck smile

Honeypie80 Fri 12-Aug-11 06:45:13

Thank you all of you for reassuring me I'm normal at least... I got a text from her yesterday letting me know exactly how far along she was as she had seen the midwife, which if I'm honest i thought was a bit thoughtless on her part. I know she's excited but i have explained to her im taking it all in as much as she is, i dont wish her or the baby any harm i just feel incredible sadness at everything she mentions it should of been me. I'm trying to keep sane by thinking im still young and a lot younger than her so we still have time to try whereas she was panicking about getting pregnant due to her age so she only met the man in september 2010, and started ttc practically straight away.

i'll be fine, i know i will just need to get over it somehow, but as someone else said its more the fact she has a bump to show than the fact shes going to be a mum...

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