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Pregnancy

hate it when people say......

31 replies

nykxx · 05/08/2011 01:00

'do you want a boy or girl? or dont you mind as long as its healthy?'

grrr i hate it when people say that...sorry!!!!

i would love a pink one then we would have two of each, but if its a blue then thats fine too. and of course i would love to be blessed with a healthy baby. but when people say 'i dont mind what i have as long as its healthy' does that in reverse mean they would prefer one sex to the other if it wasnt healthy or that they wouldnt want it at all if it wasnt healthy?

controversial for my first post but had to ask!!

nykxx

OP posts:

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rooks14 · 05/08/2011 01:14

you'd be surpised at the amount of threads on here that are like "gender dissapointment".
I agree as long as mines healthy why would I care, but lots of people are dying for one or the other...

hmc · 05/08/2011 01:16

Yes, God forbid anybody should attempt friendly (if not pariticularily original) small talk without first vetting and over thinking every possible nuance and interpretation of every word they say....

redglow · 05/08/2011 01:25

Why does people making small talk offend you so much. Its not that bad.

Crosshair · 05/08/2011 01:47

I think you may be overthinking it.

lolajane2009 · 05/08/2011 04:04

lol, I tend to tell people i dont care if mine is a two headed giraffe as it is my baby tbh.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 05/08/2011 04:25

"is it your first?"...i don't mind this too much but friends who have suffered still births found it very difficult to answer.

Of course no harm was meant by those asking but it did cause distress.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/08/2011 06:26

These kind of threads drive me mad. You wouldn't get much social interaction if people had to think everything through for possible hidden meanings before they opened their mouths. Why does everything have to be analysed? Just take it at face value fgs.

pictish · 05/08/2011 06:29

I agree Gwendoline

I have never understood why people take offence at others showing a passing interest in their pregnancy. We've all been there 'aint you had that baby yet?' 'are you sure it's not twins in there?' 'awww are you hoping for a wee girl this time?' etc etc

Never upset or offended me! Why the fuss?

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 05/08/2011 07:52

as i say it doesn't bother me personally too much. But i can see why people get upset. It's not ok to comment on people's bodies imo. Pregnant or not. And i am the queen of passing small talk. But i've never felt the need to comment on someone's hight or bald patch.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/08/2011 08:57

Since the dawn of time pregnancy has been seen as a community activity. Why do you think there are so many people eager to queue up and pass comment on size, feel your bump, coo over the baby etc? It's human nature. Just because some people have gone all prissy about it doesn't change anything. It's part of life.

That's not to say that you can't lay down the law when they actually touch you but otherwise, just live with it. It's not actually harming you and 99% of the time no offence is intended.

m1nn1em0u5e · 05/08/2011 09:26

I have 2 boys & am pregnant with my 3rd & I am fed up of 'Bet you want a girl' 'A girl will complete your family' 'Are you keeping going until you get a girl?' I get really offended!..My reply, 'Just a healthy happy baby would be nice'. Im not being over sensitive, I think they are insensitive especially saying these things in front of my sons!..This third baby will complete our family, boy or girl!..& I would never dream of making the same comments!..blame my pregnancy hormones maybe, but last time I found out our second baby was a boy, people seemed to comment, aah never mind, 3rd time lucky etc etc! My son had repeated scans for a suspected hole in the heart & I wanted a healthy baby, regardless of its sex!..

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/08/2011 09:43

Why though? They're playing a social game, just go along with it. Are you going to keep going till you get a girl? Yep. Smile and depart.

I had to sit at DH's family do at Easter when his entire extended family of hundreds quizzed me about having a second child. I had had a mc a couple of months beforehand and was very newly pg on that day so there wasn't much I could say except paint on a smile and say "we'll see". Yes it was hard and after the 900th round of the same questions I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry but I didn't object to them asking. It's what people do, they're not doing it to be spiteful.

benne81 · 05/08/2011 10:08

I'm now very obviously pregnant and I was stopped by a man with learning difficulties who was very excited I was pregnant so I talked to him and he asked if it was a boy or a girl and I said it was a surprise and he said, 'well it could be both' and walked off.It really made me smile.

nykxx · 05/08/2011 10:08

so your supposed to sit and suffer in silence because others are being insensitive? i dont think so.

i speak my mind and respect the opinions of others in return.

i dont care what i have boy or girl and yes i would love a healthy baby, but i feel this age old question could be worded better. ' what do you want boy or girl? i dont suppose it matters, just hope its healthy eh?' 'yep!!'

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nykxx · 05/08/2011 10:16

benne81, that just made me smile too.

im not skinny by any means, but im not huge (but if not concentrating, i dont hold myself in the best way ) for the past few years ive had people patting my belly and asking when baby is due!!! my usual response is to look them straight in the eye and say (with straight, un-embarrassed face) 'oh im not pregnant, im fat'. turns the tables and they want the ground to open up and swallow them hehehe

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/08/2011 10:22

it's not about suffering in silence, talk about exaggerating the issue. You're giving a bit of banter way too much importance. Do you think any one of those people remembers the conversation or your answers?

nykxx · 05/08/2011 11:28

"I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry but I didn't object to them asking"

how is that not suffering in silence? but if thats the way you deal with a situation, im not saying your wrong. thats up to you. im just thinking that i wouldnt have been so un-vocal!!

oh and yes believe me people do remember what they/i said when asked about a non existent pregnancy!!!!

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Crosshair · 05/08/2011 11:36

I went through a similar thing at a family party, had a early mc about a month before and sil started asking us if we were ever going to have kids ect(obv she didnt know). I had a cry in the toilets. :)

Mum2be79 · 05/08/2011 12:24

I don't think the 'offence' is meant. When friends and colleagues were pregnant I did the same thing - took an interest and asked all the same questions regarding which sex do you prefer etc, etc. I never really thought that maybe they would get the same questions a trillion times and be fed up with giving the same answers.

Now that I'm pregnant hormones are DEFINITELY playing a part in my rattiness. I am very sensitive to people asking questions, me giving an answer only for them to say 'I didn't do it like that.' or 'Are you sure that's best?' or 'Actually, I think you'll find that this is better' etc, etc.

It's not that I dislike people taking an interest, it's just as a first time mum 2 be, I am very protective over my little 'heshee' and my pregnancy and I do think when people tell me their opinions and thoughts it's an attack on my parental skills and wishes.

I know it's not meant and I know people mean well, but it's just how it is. I've been honest with people - Don't touch the bump. I don't go round touching other people's bodily parts so why should they? And, I ask people if we can change the subject as I do feel that people think that I have disappeared and morphed into this pregnant parasite that is unable to have a conversation about anything else!

Crosshair · 05/08/2011 12:42

The thing that annoy's me is that people(mum/mil) seem to think I've suddenly become interested in other peoples babies, when really I would rather talk about anything else I havent morphed into a whole new person.

Cjax · 05/08/2011 13:32

I didn't mind people asking me about gender preferences (maybe because I really didn't have one). For some reason I did get really wound up by certain friends and family saying "I really feel like/am sure that/was told by a psychic that/ it's going to be a boy/girl", my reaction (unspoken!) was "I don't even know what it's going to be and it's inside me!" Maybe just hormones...

MsChanandlerBong · 05/08/2011 14:37

I had similar issues pre-DH when I came out of a long term relationship and was suddenly single after 10 years. I found it really offensive amazing that people thought it was appropriate to ask really quite intimate questions about my sex life. If I showed I was offended, then I was being over sensitive apparently as they were 'just showing an interest'. And now, several years later I find it is exactly the same with pregnancy. Gggrrr.

The gender question doesn't bother me personally. But when people continually comment on my size, I find it really upsetting (and am a little bit worried about developing some sort of celebrity-style eating disorder post-birth!)

Mind you, on reflection I think I am quite a sensitive person overall. In general I get really pissed off when people say rude things and then try and rationalise it by saying "well I am just being honest". Honesty and good manners should not be mutually exclusive!

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nykxx · 05/08/2011 14:49

im not sensitive at all, i couldnt give a shit what people think of me. and its not the gender thing that got me, it was the 'as long as its healthy' bit. like i would rather have a girl with problems than a boy or the other way round. i do look further into things sometimes but then sometimes you have to or you would just be going along for the ride

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MsChanandlerBong · 05/08/2011 15:24

Funnily enough, when I over think about the gender/as long as it's healthy question, I always assumed people add on the 'as long as it's healthy' part because if they said "or aren't you bothered?" then it sounds awful and like you're uninterested! Even though I do read a lot in to what people say, I never assumed people were insinuating I'd want an unhealthy girl over a healthy boy or whatever - even little miss sensitive here thinks that if people did hold that view they might keep it quiet!

But the "oh you're massive" comments... I'm not sure how I am supposed to take anything positive from that. Whichever way you look at it. So I just ended up responding "yeah, I'm definitely x weeks, I must just be fat" which soon loses you friends shuts people up.

notlettingthefearshow · 05/08/2011 18:01

I think people phrase the question like that because that is the typical response - well, it is certainly what I say when people ask. Every conversation I've had has been like this:

'Do you have any preference for a boy or a girl?'
me: 'No, I just want a healthy baby'

I guess that makes me totally cliched but sometimes (in my case), cliches are true.

therefore you can blame people like me for that! It doesn't mean that those with a gender preference have no concern for the baby's health. I have never heard of it being interpreted like that. Perhaps pregnancy makes some women more sensitive - not surprising given all the hormonal changes etc.

I don't mind at all what people say/ask, though I have heard nothing offensive. I am delighted when people take an interest, especially those who know nothing about babies and are genuinely curious.

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