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advice on dealing with a freinds negative reaction to my pregnancy news.

(18 Posts)
tryitandsee Sat 30-Jul-11 09:45:27

Hi Ladies, Im an older mum to be ( 42) who was pregnant last year and told my close friend the news as soon as i found out. I was speechless when she turned round and said " huh, everyone who sees you is going to think your out with your grandchild like me". I was very hurt by her comment and at the time too stunned to say anything. I may be 42 but im fit and healthy and i dont look my age , i do look a lot younger ( and thats not just my opinion!). Sadly i went on to loose the baby at 3 months. My "friend" is 44 and divorced, 24 stone and not in the best health. She was sterilised years ago after 3 kids and has since said many times she wished she hadnt have been.
I moved house 6 months ago and dont see her as much and she doesnt know i am now 20 weeks pregnant. We are due to meet up next week and im just wondering that if she comes out with some smart ass comment again shall i tackle it head on?. I have always been supportive of her and i would never dream of making bitchy comments about her weight issues or hurting her feelings. Any ideas ladies?.

belgo Sat 30-Jul-11 09:50:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it continues to go well.

Why do you think your friend was so negative? Is she jealous or does she not agree with pregnancy at your age? Do you have children already?

realslimshady Sat 30-Jul-11 09:55:41

Congratulations.

If she's being that negative I think its well within your right to stand up for yourself.

Just say 'Yes well of course there will be some challenges being an older mum, but DP and I are really excited and can't wait'. She should get the hint then but if she carries on tell her to stop being so negative and that its hurting your feelings.

realslimshady Sat 30-Jul-11 09:58:30

Not that I think there will necessarily be challenges...sorry if I sound like I'm being negative blush.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Sat 30-Jul-11 09:59:52

Big congrats. Sorry but I would find it hard nit to point out she is being rude. I have no doubt she will wonder why you haven't already told her, don't lie say you were concerned after her reaction last tine.

Remember this is more about her issues than you smile

GwendolineMaryLacey Sat 30-Jul-11 10:10:35

What has her weight to do with it?

Mum2be79 Sat 30-Jul-11 10:41:44

Tryitandsee is trying to make a point that she wouldn't make some smart arse comment about her friend's weight issue unlike her friend who made a smart arse comment about being an older mum.
The difference is, we all have something about our lives that 'raises a few eyebrows' in some people or is 'different' but we wouldn't make a friend feel negative and embarrassed about it. Friends don't do that. I have friends who live their lives in ways that I wouldn't choose to and vice versa. But we don't make snide remarks about it. We support each other in the personal choices we make. smile

GwendolineMaryLacey Sat 30-Jul-11 11:11:29

Why should she make a smart arse comment about her friend's weight? We're talking about pregnancy here not fashion. Surely the comeback would be something related. As she said, the friend was sterilised and regrets it. If she childishly feels the need to be bitchy back there's plenty of scope there hmm

But no, easier to fall back on the usual. Ironic that the op is here to give out about a friend and the friend sounds no worse than she is. If that's how she thinks of her, maybe the friend is the one biting back?

Oeisha Sat 30-Jul-11 12:01:43

Congrats!

Like others suggest, won't your friend be more upset that you didn't feel you could tell her any earlier? That should tell her something...

If asked, just be honest about it.

Having not 'advertised' my pg all that widely some people are finding it odd that I haven't announced it to the entire world. Noone's directly asked me yet, usually "oh, you've kept that quiet" type stuff. But then I felt I'd told people that would have more than a voyeristic interest in passing (so didn't do a massive "I'm pg give me love and respect" thing on FB, just not me!). I've not deliberatly not mentioned it, did put a scan pic on FB, but haven't gone out my way to tell people I haven't seen/spoken to for months at a time.

howabout Sat 30-Jul-11 14:22:58

Given her reaction last time I would be inclined not to mention that you are pregnant. I am 43 and pregnant and aware that there may be mixed reactions among my acquaintances. I went with letting them work it out for themselves and that way only people with something nice to say have said it. I would have been so hurt if one of my close friends had reacted like yours did the first time around that I would probably have tackled them head on then. Your friend sounds jealous so you could go with humouring her and laughing off her negative comments and just getting her to tell you all about the gossip you will be missing now you have moved.

I am thinking of getting an oldest Mum in the playground badge to wear with pride. However like you I look young for my age so perhaps by the time I get to that stage I will fit in better with the other Mums who are not wearing so well Lol.

Thumbwitch Sat 30-Jul-11 14:29:12

Are you sure you want to stay friends with her? Was she supportive after your last sad loss?

Congratulations on this pregnancy and fingers crossed for you that it all goes well this time. TBH, I wouldn't tell her - wait for her to bring it up or not and then play it by ear. BUT if she hurts your feelings, tell her that she has done so. She might have all the sensitivity of a breeze block and not realise she's saying hurtful things.

Paperplane Sat 30-Jul-11 14:34:02

Congratulations.

I'd just make some breezy response about how age makes no difference these days and there are so many older mums around and she shouldn't worry about it as you're not.

tryitandsee Sat 30-Jul-11 16:17:21

Thanks everyone for the feedback. My friend is of course entitled to her own opinion and the issue isnt one of whether she is right or not ,but of what she said and how she said it. Im waiting for my 20 week scan to check everything is ok before telling anyone else anyway. I was just really hurt by her tone and how it came out. Also the comment i made about not saying things to hurt her feelings i.e about her weight was to show an example of a personal issue i would never be mean to her about, just as my pregnancy is a personal issue for me. We dont see each other as much as we used to as she is very busy with her grandchildren most of the time. I moved house 6 months ago less than 10 minutes on the bus from her house and she has still to visit even after numerous invites from me so maybe i should just move on and not let it bother me!.

RosyRosie Sat 30-Jul-11 16:38:58

I know how you feel, my MIL was VERY negative about my being pregnant last time, and it was as much a shock to me as everyone else. I needed support, not to be reminded of all my shortcomings....anyway I lost that one and this time she won't be told until she has to be...I'm hoping that will be a big enough hint to button it this time. It really did hurt me.

georgethecat Sat 30-Jul-11 22:41:25

get new friends! seriously friends are supposed to be supportive unless youve done something really inappropriate like murder.

tryitandsee Sun 31-Jul-11 08:51:55

georgethecat and rosyrosie, i totally agree.

redglow Sun 31-Jul-11 16:43:56

Sound like jealously too me. Congratulations on your pregnancy which was obviosly planned and wanted.

notlettingthefearshow Sun 31-Jul-11 23:42:08

Congrats! Fantastic news for you.

Friends don't always react the way you want when you tell them the big news. I have been hurt by lukewarm reactions, let alone the comments you've received. She may have some issues or she may just not be great at expressing herself. However, it sounds like on the whole the friendship has run its course, so make less effort and distance yourself from her. It's sad when friendship comes to an end, but embrace your new life and new family. You will meet likeminded people, perhaps other mothers, who will be better friends.

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