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Not broody, not pregnant but feel time is running out.

(31 Posts)
mareish Fri 22-Jul-11 22:12:14

I have previously posted this in a different topic but wondered if there was any more advice from a different perspective.
My OH is broody, never pushy about it though & the thought of a mini him makes me smile but I have no strong feelings other than to have a child for him hoping that I'll go all maternal!
Time is ticking, I'm 35 but not sure on starting a family. It's not that I dislike babies, I just have no longing for my own. Is that unusual?
Has anyone else felt like this & if so what did you do?

Crosshair Fri 22-Jul-11 22:20:00

Ive never felt maternal and Im really not a baby/kid person at all. The more I thought about starting a family the more it seemed like a good idea. I went from no kids ever to lets have a baby in about a year.confused

No idea how it works for other people.

pregnantmimi Fri 22-Jul-11 23:07:03

Not everyone has kids so its up to you. I think you are broody if your talking about it lol. You obviously thinking about it more. I have a friend who not very maternal doesnt like kids (not saying that you dont this is just a example) that much well she had her own and she is a proper mummy earth mother lol such a changexx

pregnantmimi Fri 22-Jul-11 23:08:08

also dont worry about feeling maternal if you picture yourself with kids and see a future with them dont worry about feeling broody just have themxx

PipPipPip Fri 22-Jul-11 23:45:37

Go for it!

I wasn't gagging for a baby and was (still am) pretty social and career-focussed. But I knew that I wanted kids eventually and wanted my parents to be alive to see it happen.

So the decision to abandon contraception was based on me thinking "well, I guess we'd better do it at some point!" rather than a desperate, burning maternal urge.

Maternal feelings started with the 20-week scan and developed from there. I now have a three-month old who rocks my world beyond my wildest imagination.

I'm not saying that parenthood is for everyone, but that "feeling broody" isn't a necessary prerequisite. You just need to think it is a generally decent idea, and the rest will fall into place.

Good luck!!

x x x

PS. It was psychologically easier for us to "stop trying not to have a baby" and leave the rest up to our bodies to decide. It seemed easier than "trying for a baby" if that makes sense!?

Paschaelina Fri 22-Jul-11 23:52:41

I could have lived my whole life without a child but my dh was broody so I made a conscious decision to have one for him, so we did. Our son is 10 months old now and we wouldnt be without him for the world. I won't have another though. One for the experience is enough. smile

beebee1978 Sat 23-Jul-11 08:23:09

I was in the very same situation I'm 32 now but gave into my OH when I was 30 and came off contraception I was worried every month I'd fall pregnant and did 10 months later then had an mc. I was devastated. So my maternal instincts kicked in then. Fell pregnant a few months later and now have a beautiful 6 month old son. Yes my life has changed , but my goodness for the better. I now look back and think I must of been crazy to think they way i did. I think it was more fear than not wanting a baby. Hope this helps you make the right decision for yourself.

cherrybug Sat 23-Jul-11 09:36:45

I wasnt broody at all but knew I wanted my life to include having a family. And I didnt want to leave it too late (I was 33 at the time). So we made kind of an intellectual rather than emotional decision to stop contraception and see what happened. Two months later I got pregnant so quicker than we expected. It was a bit of a shock. I was quite worried that I would struggle with being a mother, losing independance etc. I also worried about it changing our relationship. Then I had my daughter and took to motherhood in a way I never expected. We utterly adore our daughter.

I'm now pregnant again and really happy I made the decision to put aside any fears and take that leap. Someone once said to me, 'you're more likely to regret not having kids than to regret having them'. I think thats true for many. There are of course some people who are perfectly happy not to ever have children and want a different kind of life experience. And that's completely fine and normal too.

Cattleprod Sat 23-Jul-11 09:52:04

I'd never been particularly interested in other people's babies and children, but I knew I didn't want to get old and not have grown up sons or daughters, so I based my decision on that.

I have found having a baby and child so much more interesting and fun than I had expected, so much so that I'm now expecting baby number 2! It's as if a whole world of amazing stuff and wonderful people opens up to you once you have a child. It's difficult to explain, but I feel a much stronger link with the past, the future, my family and society.

Rollersara Sat 23-Jul-11 10:49:35

Hello mareish

You could have been me a year ago! I never really felt broody (I'm 36) but my partner has always wanted kids. I didn't really think about it much as until last year OH was doing a PhD, mine was the only income and there was no way we could afford a family. Then the PhD ended in January, we moved house, he got a good job and we decided, like others have said, not so much to try for a baby, but to stop trying not to.

I'm now 10 weeks pg, and I still worry a bit about whether it's really what I want, can I handle it all etc. I've never longed for a baby or felt incomplete without one, but now it's happening I'm really excited!

No two people are the same though. Talk it through with your OH, maybe spend time with other people's babies, but at the end of the day it's your choice. Good luck!

stantonjulie Sat 23-Jul-11 14:41:38

The abandon contraception is best approach. I got pregnant by taking a few risks when I got my dates muddled. I was 34, only been in a relationship for 18m dreaded telling my parents and we didn't even live together! However, had a 6th sense my partner and I were in it for the long run and I love my daughter to bits (now 2). I now realize the timing was perfect, I still work full time, have a great career, and have a good life - just I am part of a little family now. You will also find that many of your friends will suddenly have lots of babies. My old team at work (there were 10 of us) have produced (or are producing) 8 babies in the last 2 years!!

I'm now pregnant with number 2 (far more boring actively trying for one, took 3 goes thank goodness, wasn't very sexy) so I guess my message is go with the flow. Can take over a year to get pregnant, then nearly a year being pregnant.

Key to whether you're ready (in my eyes) is if you are thinking about it and notice pregnant people a lot.

Sugar80 Sat 23-Jul-11 14:59:18

I'm not at all broody, and am 9 weeks pregnant!! I still don't actively want a baby (and never have), but I do want a family. I grew up surrounded by a large loving family, and want to continue that as I get older, and the only way I can do that is to build my own!! I reckon I can cope with the baby years, but to be honest I'm looking more at the long term when they're older and can do stuff - I'm already thinking about getting them a pony, what books I'm going to read to them, cooking for them.... sad isn't it?!! Though the idea of mother and baby coffee mornings and "Sing and Sign" makes me want to kill myself!!!

My OH is all for a mini me, so I came off the pill after 12 years, thinking it could take up to 2 years for anything to happen. It took a month, and I've surprised myself by being really happy about it! I have to say I've been so anti the idea in the past though, that the few people we have told genuinely thought I was joking!!

Conchita Sat 23-Jul-11 15:46:10

I think broodiness is just the result of an instinct, nature pushing us to do something that doesn't necessarily benefit us or fulfill what we want, I actually think it's better to try to make a conscious decision about what you want and don't worry about not feeling broody.

I wouldn't want to have a baby to please my partner as in most cases the woman shoulders the burden of care, so you could feel resentful. I'd just think very deeply about whether you would like a child in your life, what you can give them etc. You sound like a very thoughtful and mature person, which IMO makes you excellent potential mum material- if that's what you want!

I decided to have a baby purely for selfish reason of wanting someone to love and raise with my DH, and hopefully so I won't be lonely when I'm older, and probably because of instincts and because 'it's what people do'. But I don't believe I would have been an unfulfilled person if I'd chosen not to have a child.

I also worry that the future world our kids will live in will be much harder.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Jul-11 16:10:54

I will be following this thread as I can echo lots of what you say OP.

I'm 32 in a few days and have been married for a long time but the time was never right job wise/location etc for a baby.

In my family and with my friends I have left it way too late for a baby - people who weren't even dating at my wedding now have 2/3 kids.

I now have a perm job but it will involve a lot of travelling but my DH and I are starting to warm more to the idea of having a DC.

I can't say that I am wildly broody though and worry that once a baby arrives you can't exactly hand them back.

MN is great but in many ways it makes you v aware of the things that can go wrong;
what if I can't get pg?
What if the birth is awful?
What if I can BF?
What if I am a dreadful mum?

Anyway, sorry I am waffling on your post - just wanted to say not everyone is instinctively broody/mother earth types!

Best of luck.

JosieRosie Sat 23-Jul-11 16:16:03

Just to bring a different perspective to the debate, I have mild broody feelings but really don't want the reality of having a baby/child/being a parent. I'm 31 and until the last year or so I was ADAMANT about never ever having children. Now I still feel sure that parenthood is not for me, but I'm more open to the possibility of changing my mind. Since I hit 30, I find my hormones are gently tapping me on the shoulder. I work with babies and children and I love it, but really cannot imagine being happy as a parent myself. So I agree with other posters - you need to separate broody feelings from feelings about the reality of being a parent. If you can picture yourself being happy with children in your life and being a parent, then go for it!

mareish Sat 23-Jul-11 22:53:33

Blimey - so I'm not alone then!
Thank you all so much!
I have been turning myself inside out for months now & my usual reaction to decisions always has been - if I've got doubts don't do it!
That just hasn't worked for this dilemma.
I am worried about finances, we certainly can't afford a child & never will unless we try harder at winning the lotteryhmm. But then as the OH points out if everyone who can't afford a family didn't go ahead then the population would drop dramatically!
I am sure I'll regret it if I don't have a family so may have to take the plunge!
It's rotten timing that I've only just -stumbled into- found a career that I really do want to succeed in.
Oh, & my Mum thinks I'm too old for babies!blush
Thanks again to you all!
I had no idea that anyone else could be in the same boat, I thought it was cut & dried - either always wanted babies or never.

brettgirl2 Sun 24-Jul-11 07:58:49

I felt exactly like that before my daughter. If I could have stayed 29 for five years I wouldnt yet have a child or be pregnant yet. I was happy before dh and I had great life and I was in no hurry to change. I now have 2 year old and am 16 weeks pregnant life is still great but different smile

HPonEverything Sun 24-Jul-11 18:18:28

This time last year I was exactly where you are, OP. My DH felt the ticking clock even more keenly as he's 12 years older than me, and there was some amount of what I felt was pressure. I also had my parents going on at me "you're not getting any younger" "your brother won't be giving us a grandchild so we're relying on you" etc etc ad nauseum every time I saw them, which I resented.

I've NEVER been broody, never know what to do with babies or little children, I always had a suspicion I wouldn't be able to have children anyway due to our 'unreliable method' never resulting in even a scare, and I wasn't too bothered. I liked having a career, liked doing my own thing (DH permitting!), and generally being selfish and having a good time and having money. Lots of friends my age who were confirmed anti-kids suddenly started having them left right and centre complete with the constant child-centred facebook updates they'd have once scoffed at, as if some sort of switch was flicked, and I couldn't get my head round it. I've also always had a massive fear of childbirth and being 'interfered' with which has overridden any tiny desire I might've had at any point to have children.

Then I sort of realised that I'd regret not having children more than I'd regret having them, and just like PipPipPip (I could've also written THAT post) we just stopped not trying, and it all happened way quicker than I thought it would.

I'm now 30 weeks and still have a lot of panicky moments that I'm going to be hopeless due to non-broodiness, unmaternal-ness, or whatever you want to call it. But I can't wait for the baby to be here and I don't think it will make me any less of a mum for it because it will be loved so much regardless.

I don't think there's ever a 'right' time to have children because you'd go mental trying to get all your ducks in a row and always have just one more duck. I worry about things to extreme and like you, if I see a reason not to do something I don't do it. But now is as good a time as any for me so I'm going for it.

Good luck whatever you decide smile

notlettingthefearshow Sun 24-Jul-11 21:46:23

I'm 35 and 18 weeks pg. Single for my 20s and did a lot of travelling and moving around, not convinced I would ever want the commitment and expense of a child. I definitely did not feel broody but got married last year and could imagine us with a family in future. If it wasn't for my age I'd have happily waited another 5-10 years, but definitely didn't want to leave it too late! I knew I would regret not even trying.

I used to panic a bit when friends shoved their babies at me and asked if it made me feel broody - the answer was no(which as a woman you are never meant to admit!) I don't find most babies that cute and much of parenting at first looks very repetitive and boring. I don't think you need to love babies - they aren't babies forever. The only baby you need to love is your own, and usually hormones kick in by the time it's with you! Before I got pg I would worry about loving the baby but somehow now I am happier and more excited with every day! It's an adventure of a different kind and I can't wait.

lollystix Sun 24-Jul-11 21:57:20

You can never afford to have a child! Babies on the tit don't cost much if you're not too proud to accept all the hand me downs you can get. I have 3 with another one on the way (didn't like babies before I had one 5 years ago btw - now look at me- and I have managed to continue my career too).It's not the cost of the baby per say that hurts - it's the bloody childcare. My salary bounces into my account and out to the nursery. Ds4 unexpected and god knows how we'll afford it but we will and I know we won't regret him.

LunaticFringe Sun 24-Jul-11 22:03:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodnightmoon Mon 25-Jul-11 08:58:57

i wasn't that keen myself but by 35 I did start worrying about time. So we started ttc and I fell pregnant right away. Unfortunately I miscarried, then miscarried again several months later and then was infertile for two years, during which we tried IVF and a bunch of other stuff. I finally had my son at 38 and am pregnant again by surprise at 41 (after a third miscarriage in between and more failed IVF- DH really wanted a second). So that's my cautionary tale of the risks of leaving it late - you can end up with no children, or maybe fewer than you'd hoped for. On the other hand, three of my best friends all had their first after 35 with no problems and went on to complete their families with a second.

even through all my travails - I was still apprehensive about motherhood and frankly am apprehensive now about a second child! To me, babies aren't really any fun at all and I am definitely enjoyed my son more as he turned 1, then 2 and now 3. You're not really having a baby though - you're having a child who will become an adult and someone you will love and cherish and take pleasure from knowing for all of your life.

The only other advice I can give is to try to project yourself into the future and see how you will feel if you don't have children. A child-free lifestyle in your 30s is still rather fun and glamorous but by your 40s and 50s you may well feel you missed out on a stage of life that most people undertake. Of course child-free is right for so many people and I make no judgements whatsoever. What you don't want is to feel broody too late and then really regret those care-free years where anything felt possible.

hard choices, I know.

Nomdujour Mon 25-Jul-11 09:07:56

Hello, can I be the other side please?

I was super broody before I got pregnant. I now have a 9 month old who I adore...but... having a child changes your life, for ever, completely. It's been a massive upheaval. I HATED the first few months. I had pnd and was suicidal. No more lying in, no more wild nights/weekends with friends, no more selfish me time.

I am much happier now but I still think that if you don't really want a baby, you shouldn't have one. If you change your mind of course, that's completely different.

RosyRosie Mon 25-Jul-11 09:17:55

Sugar80 said: "I'm not at all broody, and am 9 weeks pregnant!! I still don't actively want a baby (and never have), but I do want a family. I grew up surrounded by a large loving family, and want to continue that as I get older, and the only way I can do that is to build my own!! I reckon I can cope with the baby years, but to be honest I'm looking more at the long term when they're older and can do stuff - I'm already thinking about getting them a pony, what books I'm going to read to them, cooking for them.... sad isn't it?!! Though the idea of mother and baby coffee mornings and "Sing and Sign" makes me want to kill myself!!!"

That exactly describes me! I tried shopping online for baby clothes the other seriously bored. There's no way I'm going to a coffee morning!

mareish Mon 25-Jul-11 21:53:51

I am reading your replies with my jaw on the floor! Not attractive but I'm so surprised.
HPonEverything I can totally identify with you, my OH is 10 yrs older & we've been together 9 great years (crikey, didn't realise it was that long until I totted it up) but I have only just started to look at him & think "you'll be a great dad".
I think having had surgery for endometriosis last year has made me realise my breeding years are not forever! I was in so much agony over the previous 5-6 yrs I gave permission for them to take all of my "engine room" out, I really was that disinterested in having a family.
I have been silently blessing the splendid surgeon since!smile At least I have got a chance now.
I can't picture myself with a baby but I see bits of my emotions in all of your replies & it helps to know I'm not alone in my confusion.
BTY I cannot even stand the thought of Mum & Baby gatherings though we probably haven't got any close by anyway - we're in the sticks a little!

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