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Feel awful asking but is anyone else disappointed with partners' reaction / behaviour?

(32 Posts)
NorthernGirlie Sat 16-Jul-11 10:57:28

My OH is a lovely, caring, loving man but I just can't seem to get past his reaction to our pregnancy. We started TTC in January but haven't made a big deal of it - I did a test a couple of weeks ago when when AF was due and got 2 very very faint positives. Was past myself with excitement and couldn't wait to tell OH. Showed him the tests and his reaction was 'Oh, looks like a line - hope you are.' and that was it - he then started planning for a night out we were meant to be on next night (big pi$$ up) - I was upset that his first thought wasn't that we needed to find out for sure before we went drinking...

Took another test the next morning - BFP and texted him a picture of the result. He rang and said 'I'm over the moon' but then went to the pub on the planned night out after work - I had to ring him to come home and he couldn't understand why I thought he should have come straight home.

Fast forward 2 weeks and I'm so disappointed by how it's going - I admit I've probably expected too much but I get so jealous (feel a tad pathetic typing that - I'm quite a strong person usually) reading about other partners fussing round and being excited etc - we've barely spoken about it and every time I mention something I feel like an inconvenience. We're meant to be going away in a fortnight and the holiday will involve camping for a week - no problem with this and I'm not being precious at all - but I did express that he might need to carry more of my share of the rucksack (we don't drive so will be backpacking) weight and that I may need a proper airbed as my boobs are really sore and may make lying on our usual very, very thin camping pads uncomfortable. We're also meant to be going to a few theme parks and when I said I was gutted I'd not be able to go on the rides I hoped he'd react (to all 3 issues) with 'of course - anything you need' but instead I got 'Why?, you'll only be a few weeks in..'

He's also told me about a lad he works with who is absolutely buzzing as he's expecting his first grandchild - apparently he can't keep the grin off his face and is dying to start buying things etc - I just wanted to cry as OH doesn't understand that this is how I wanted him to react...

Sorry for the really long rant - I just wanted to get it off my chest and gague opinion - is anyone else's OH not as enthusiastic as you hoped? I know I can't dictate his reaction etc but i just can't help being so disappointed. Feel free to tell me to stop moaning and that this is normal - first baby craziness setting in methinks! xx

BitsyVonMuffling Sat 16-Jul-11 10:59:49

I think a lot of men just don't get it til much later in pregnancy, or until the baby is born tbh. I would HATE for my partner to be fussing at me this early in pregnancy, though I understand a lot of women do want to feel looked after. Take him to your first scan. It will make it all much more real for him.

lukewarmmama Sat 16-Jul-11 11:04:21

My dh was fairly non plussed by the whole thing as well. Partly because I think it didn't seem real to him until he came to the first scan. But also he was shit scared something would go wrong, so was pretty detached until the baby was born. (and with dd2 as well). I was really upset until we had a good chat and I understood where he was coming from, and he also understood what I needed from him.

Unless he's usually a selfish arse, just have a good long chat about how you're feeling, he probably doesn't have clue. Also buy the MN pregnancy book (or your book of choice), and make him read it!

And congratulations!

NormanTebbit Sat 16-Jul-11 11:07:06

It's a huge adjustment for both of you - it may be he is just trying to kid himself his life will not change all that much now you are going to have responsibilities as parents.

But a word of caution. You are pregnant znd to you this is wonderful, amazing but he has no physical evidence of it. To him it's not real yet.

Also pregnancy is a normal, healthy state and you should try yo continue as normal a life as possible, don't feel you need help with everything.

And with the third your husband just gulps, and starts working overtime. When you are about 8 months he might ask you to help him carry a boiler Down the stairs |grin

Congratulations by the way!

phlossie Sat 16-Jul-11 11:08:13

Don't worry about being pissed off about it. I don't think it really sinks in for men until the baby's born.

My DH was quite sweet about our first, but when I got our first BFP, he just stared into space for about three days. He came to all the antenatal appointments (because i made him) and NCT etc and learnt massage techniques for labour, but he was still quite non-commital about the whole thing. BUT when our gorgeous pfb arrived in the world, he was in floods and so besotted with him! It was lovely.

He was seriously underwhelmed by DC2 - pregnancy and birth (to be fair he'd been awake for 45 mins when she was born). I remember screaming to him I AM PREGNANT YOU KNOW! several times during my second pregnancy.

I'm now 9 weeks pregnant with #3 and he's not even coming to any antenatal appointments. He'll occassionally give me a sympathetic rub because I've just puked, but he's not writing lists of names like I am.

But - he's an amazing father, and he adores our children and he's a lovely husband too. Don't worry - he may be unable to get his head round it yet, or he may be scared of losing the pregnancy. It might change with the scan, or when you tell people, or at antenatal groups, or when baby arrives. Keep talking to him, and see what happens.

And CONGRATULATIONS!!!

pregnantmimi Sat 16-Jul-11 11:09:13

My husband the same fast forward 3 months and hes making a right fuss of me. Actually to start with he kept acting like a twat. It was only for first few months I think it was his way of dealing with it also never talked about the baby or seemed bothered. I think its mens way of dealing with it. After a few months hes making a right fuss of me making sure got everything I need being really soppy and attentive. I think he will change after the 12 week scan thats when mine did.xx

saoirse86 Sat 16-Jul-11 11:12:31

NorthernGirlie I could have written your post almost word for word 16 months ago. TBH I wasn't that excited myself, more terrified! But DP was so casual about it all and it really annoyed me. He told me later on that it was because I'd had a MC before and was told I wouldn't conceive naturally so he was worried about it and didn't want to get either of our hopes up. It didn't start to become real for him until our first scan. It was lovely and clear as it was a new machine and I turned out to be 16+3. At one point I turned to look at him and he was crying!!! shock

He was protective of me in my pregnancy in some situations but blase (sp) about it in other situations. We worked together and constantly had customers asking about the baby but he was always dismissive of it. angry

When she arrived he was much better and it turned out he'd kind of been in denial about the fact this was actually happening. She's now 9.5 months and she's a proper daddy's girl. He loves her more than anything and you'd never know how it had been during the pregnancy! grin

I don't know what to suggest really, maybe you need to sit down and talk to him properly about how you feel. But I'm sure he'll be a loving dad when the time comes. Good luck smile

SchrodingersMew Sat 16-Jul-11 11:13:18

Congratulations!

My partner was over the moon when he found out and made a huge fuss when I was really early on.

Fast forward about 6 months and I just don't feel he gets it. sad
I've been quite ill the whole time and I might ask him to do something because doing too much of anything right now is hard and he will huff, or he'll ask me to carry stuff that is heavy. (it's not as if he's doing much else while in the house apart from playing his computer.)

And tbh, just not very emotionally helpful. I cry a lot nowadays.

I just hope he's a better Father than he is a Partner at the moment...

NormanTebbit Sat 16-Jul-11 11:24:27

DP never read a book, never went to an appointment with me, was horrified at idea of massage or birth classes, is far too Glaswegian for the NCT....he is still totally ignorant about the whole thing even though he has three kids.

But was spectacularly supportive of breastfeeding and all the things that really mattered. You have to give people a chance to show they care and it can't always be the way you want it to be.

SchrodingersMew Sat 16-Jul-11 11:31:41

Norman Are you from Glasgow? It must just be Glaswegian men. grin

My DP is the same, he's very supportive of BF and gets excited at the scans but doesn't make much effort the rest of the time.

NorthernGirlie Sat 16-Jul-11 11:35:46

Thanks for the replies ladies - it really helps to get different views. We've not told anyone yet (and during the row we had last night over his lack of interest I said I couldn't wait to tell people because finally someone might show an interest...) and I'm finding it hard having nobody to share with.

I know it's a natural state and I'm not expecting 'help with everything' but i've not been sleeping properly because of my very sore boobs (they're quite big - 36gg, not sure if this makes a difference but they're killing) and don't think sleeping on a 1/4 inch pad is going to be very comfy.

Fingers crossed things will pick up - I'm a tad worried that me feeling sad all the time isn't going to be very good for the baby (irratioal i know! Lol - first baby and all that) xx

SchrodingersMew Sat 16-Jul-11 12:47:05

I'm a 32H now! And yes, they really bloody hurt when pg. sad They normally start to feel a bit better though. Just make sure you get a nice supportive bra!

I hope everything works out. smile

Oeisha Sat 16-Jul-11 14:02:09

Can't be much help over the innatentive dh/dps as mine's probably more excited than me (I don't have the energy), but, I can advise about sore boobs.

I'm a ppg 32H and have been fitted into a 34JJ in the hope this lasts me through most of pregnancy (please deity don't let me go up to a k...). My advice, go to Bravissimo (branches in Glasgow and Edinburgh for Scottish curvies) and just let them be kind and nice and shod you. They fitted me with a royce nn-wired bra (anna?!) for nights and their own Alana and Daisy Chain (both underwired) for day wear...I'm sooo much more comfy...
Whilst my boobs settled at about 10wks - at first I though something must be going hideously wrong, literally settled overnight - (though my nipples are still friggin sore), they did used to keep me from sleeping, moreso than anything else. You have my sympathies ladies...

ToriaPumpkinPasty Sat 16-Jul-11 14:59:21

Mine is currently doing my head in but feel slightly less alone now thanks to Norman and Schrodinger as my OH is from Glasgow also.

In some ways he's been wonderful, he's making the cot, he's come to the scans, he got really into the pram when it arrived, putting it up, taking it down, playing with it etc etc, but on a day to day level I want to rip his ears off.

I think and hope he's just not really processing it yet and that it's all a bit abstract and when the baby arrives he'll step up, but if I have to have one more conversation that ends with "I am pregnant you know." when he's asked me to do something I can't (have PGP and a previous back injury) then he will start losing fingers.

SchrodingersMew Sat 16-Jul-11 15:20:39

Toria That's my saying! "I'm pregnant you know!" And I also have problems. I have Hypermobility and the strain on my hips are too much so I have walking sticks and a bad back as well.

Maybe we should have a mini Glasgow MN meetup!

GetOffOfMyCloud Sat 16-Jul-11 15:55:48

I'm 25 weeks and had a long conversation with DH about exactly the same thing when I was about 10 weeks. He told me then that it was difficult to feel excited about something that was so abstract to him, and I can see what he means. Nothing really had changed for him, he didn't feel any different, couldn't feel (literally at times grin) the sore boobs or sicky-but-not-actually-being-sick feeling so there is nothing for him to relate to. I imagine that it's the same for most men (and possibly women who have ever been through it?), they cannot relate to something they haven't experienced.

Now that he has seen the scans, can see my bump growing and has felt it move he is more supportive and understanding as it is now more real to him. It is very difficult to begin with but talk to him about it and how you feel and ask for his support, things wil start to feel more real for him in time and hopefully he'll start to annoy you with all the fussing!!

ToriaPumpkinPasty Sat 16-Jul-11 18:39:32

Ah we live in the frozen North now Schrodinger but I think a Glasgow wives support group is a great idea grin

Getoff I'm 25 weeks too, he's not felt the baby moving yet, but he's been away for two weeks and in that time I've progressed from feeling the baby move to being able to see it squirming about in there, so hopefully when he gets back on Monday we can move on and he can see and feel it and it can become a bit more real for him. His father is very similar emotonally (also from Glasgow!) but was a great dad, so hopefully once s/he's actually here it'll be different.

Lynzilove Sat 16-Jul-11 19:05:26

My oh was dead excited when we got a positive and has continued to be excited. But as for anything else I Forget it. He hasn't does anythig extra to help out, won't help me do something unless I prove that I can't do it first. It would be now to be fussed over a bit but I've had to get over it I suppose!
In saying that he's desperate for baby to come and will make an amzaing dad I'm sure, just doesn't really seem to understand what I'm going through as well!

del1 Sat 16-Jul-11 20:26:12

My other half was ok with 1st - showed some interest.
With my second, he went home to get some sleep about 45 minutes after she was born!!
And when he found out I was pregnant by accident with number 3 - he went off his head, and said he didn't want to keep it!!
He is being an incensitive twat at the moment too!!!angry
Can you tell he has pissed me right off today?

edwinbear Sat 16-Jul-11 20:31:14

Just after we'd found out I was pregnant with DC2, DH bought me a track day at Silverstone for Mother's Day to race Ferraris, which specifically said 'not suitable in pregnancy'. I think it's true that it's not real for men, until at least they can see a bump or even until baby is here. They don't mean to be insensitive, they just don't think.

Btw I went on the track day anyway and it was fantastic, I thoroughly enjoyed it just as DH thought I would!

MummyTigger Sun 17-Jul-11 09:56:29

I found out in the hospital - was rushed to A&E because of stomach cramps that was probably the uterus starting to stretch. My mum was there, thought it was hysterical. DP just kind of sat there with the most ridiculous stunned look on his face. We'd only been together for 11 months at this point, he was still at university while I was working and we were being extraordinarily careful about sex - so don't for the love of God ask me how I managed to catch!! MY DP has always been slightly more closed-off than most people, he doesn't show when something is wrong and rarely shows real true excitement when it's something massive.

After the 12-week scan I think he finally started to really believe it was going to happen, and was happier about it than I was at that point - I was still terrified! And then at the 20-week scan when we found out I was expecting a boy I burst into tears because I was just so happy, and He started ringing everyone he could think of to tell them we're expecting a boy. I've only ever seen him that excited one other time in our relationship - and that's when I said "Yes" to his proposal.

I wouldn't worry about it to be honest, but if it's getting you down that much just sit him down and ask him why he's being so blazé about it all and that you don't feel properly supported. Hopefully then he'll open up and tell you how he's feeling smile

KatyCustard Sun 17-Jul-11 19:41:12

My DH thought he was being helpful becuase he brought me a cup of tea about twice in the first 3 months, but to be honest he reverted to being a selfish little boy on the whole. He'd say things like "could you make me a cup of tea gorgeous?" moments after I'd had my head down the loo heaving my guts up, and ask if I could make sure the dishwasher was unstacked if I was going to bed early. I went through a phase of being really dizzy all the time and once I was close to fainting so I called for some water and he called back, "come and get it off the table, I'm busy". And then there was the occasion when I was about 7 weeks and feeling sick and exhausted that we had friends round for a curry and he nicked my seat so I had to spend the evening on the floor. I mean, I find the floor quite comfy for that kind of thing and may have even chosen to sit there, but that was so not the point!!!! He was just totally totally selfish. He's loads better now I'm 21 weeks, but TBH I'm full of energy at the moment, and he is fine as long as I'm fit, well and coping with life. The moment I become a bit vulnerable he just closes off and can't cope. I dread to think how he'll be if I end up having a CS because he'll expect me up and about within hours! Phew, rant over. Sorry if that's no help, but you are certainly not on your own!

Rootatoot Mon 18-Jul-11 09:05:31

Sorry to say that this has weirdly made me feel better. Not that I'm happy that other DH's/Oh's are being crap but there is some solace in not being the only one. Mine is just utterly stressed about work as usual. I'm just sick of it. Before we got married he was stressed so I dealt with the whole wedding. I'm now 8 months pregnant, have had problems due to high bp and although he is doing more than usual, he just can't seem to sort himself out. I've bought everything for the baby. Don't feel he's shared any of it. Should be a happy time esp as it was him pushing for kids asap, but as I knew, I'd have to be the grown up and he's behaving like a brat.

Woke up this morning to him screaming at the poor dog who was barking. I ended up going down to sort it out at 6.30am. Dog needed the toilet. Never does this when I've looked after him for 6 years. If DH can't look after the dog, it doesn't bode well for lack of sleep and looking after newborn does it?

I'm exhausted. Can't wait for him to p***off to work so I can relax a bit.

He's not Glaswegian, he's welsh. Is it a celtic thing? confused

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 18-Jul-11 09:18:28

I don't really get what your problem is, OP.

Why shouldn't he have gone out? Why did you expect him home?

He's right about the amusement park too.

He's saying the right things, but carrying on with life as usual. That is fair enough - nothing has really changed yet. If you are sick, or tired, and he isn't nice to you, then you know you've made a bad choice, but demanding that he react differently and having rows about it is pretty damned unreasonable. He isn't being unkind. It's not up to you how excited he has to feel.

If he feels underwhelmed by the whole thing, then that's how he feels. As long as he's not demanding you do things you don't feel able for he's not being a dick.

And you are being precious.

Oh, and definitely get yourself an air mattress for camping <voice of bitter experience>

malteaserbunny Mon 18-Jul-11 09:33:55

After reading these posts I feel better. Thought I was the only one. Have a lovely caring husband who is fantastic but I have pretty much done everything in prep for the baby on my own. I know he is happy about it, would just love hime to initiate a conversation or something.

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