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found out its a girl, am a bit sad...everyone is a bit down

(168 Posts)
mamaesi Wed 13-Jul-11 12:11:27

I just found out I am having another girl and feel down about it. Every single family member kept saying 'hope its a boy' and I know my husband wanted a son too. In fact so did I...

I know its silly, but I feel like I have let people down...and someone already said "oh shame, bet you wanted a boy"

And my husband has already said he doesnt want any more than 2 children...even though I kinda do...so this was my only chance for a son and now its over. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get over it?

please help me talk some sense into my mind

wearenotinkansas Wed 13-Jul-11 12:16:57

I'm rather shocked by your message. Why on earth does it matter? IMO you need to get over this quickly - your child deserves the best start in life - not with parents wishing it was something else.

RetroHousewife Wed 13-Jul-11 12:18:18

Get a grip.

RetroHousewife Wed 13-Jul-11 12:19:56

How have you let people down? Do you live in some weird Neanderthal parallel universe where girls aren't valued? You do know it's the sperm that decides the sex, don't you?

missnevermind Wed 13-Jul-11 12:21:29

You can't help how you feel.
You will get over it , honestly. I did.
I am having DC4 tomorrow, it is DD1. I was gutted that it was not a boy. It took me a whole week to get over it, I felt as though I had lost something. Even though nothing had really changed.

nunnie Wed 13-Jul-11 12:23:52

Sadly it is a 50 50 gamble when you get pregnant and it is always best to enter it expecting either sex as to only want one will lead to disappointment.
As long as it is healthy I can't see why once you get used to the idea that you will "get over it".

Maybe focus on positives to having another baby and not the negatives of getting the willy variety.

I certainly wouldn't recommend having a 3rd if it is only because you want a boy, as you may end up with many many girls using this logic to have children.

Congratulations.

alarkaspree Wed 13-Jul-11 12:24:16

I'm really surprised that so many people in your family have openly been hoping for you to have a boy. It's very unsupportive of them. And why would people assume you've been hoping for a boy? Ime it's usually people with three kids of the same sex on their fourth pregnancy that get this nonsense.

I think you will get used to the idea and by the time the baby's born you will be very happy with your girl, but to deal with other people's reactions try to think of a couple of positive things you can say - e.g. I think it will be so nice for dd to have a sister (it will, by the way. Probably.)

sfxmum Wed 13-Jul-11 12:24:30

you are overwhelmed by conflicting emotions and outside pressure intended or otherwise
you really do not know if this is your last chance, likely not, try not to see things in such a definite way
it is really not up to you to determine the gender this happens

I hope you can soon come to terms with the reality
, take care

lilbitneurotic Wed 13-Jul-11 12:25:18

Think people are being unnecessarily harsh. You'll get past this and look forward to another lovely girl.

mamadivazback Wed 13-Jul-11 12:26:33

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy and your new daughter smile

I think there are people out there who would have a preference if they could pick but you can't so if you choose to have a child then you have to deal with it whatever sex it is, but I think it's okay to feel a little bit upset at first especially when you know that this is it now but you have to get over it and be happy with what you have, a lot of people would kill to have any child full stop!

As for you family members if any one of them says they wish it was a boy again tell them that they should love your child regardless and if they can't stop themselves from commenting and resenting you then they should eep away until they grow up.

nunnie Wed 13-Jul-11 12:29:23

I am one of 2 girls think my mum and dad secretly wanted a boy, I was a tom boy for the majority of my life infact probably still am in some ways.
So my dad in a way got partly the on he wanted wink
I didn't mean my post to sound harsh and I apologise if it did.

It will sink in when you get used to the idea, think of names and focus on the positives, as there are many I promise.

RetroHousewife Wed 13-Jul-11 12:31:46

Oh I did mean to sound harsh.

If you are going to " feel down" about a particular sex, don't get pregnant.

ShoutyHamster Wed 13-Jul-11 12:34:21

You'll get over it, it'll be fine, and when your DD is here you won't be able to imagine her being anyone else!

And if your DH wants a boy but also wanted to stop at two and you don't...well this could be your best chance of getting him to change his mind grin

(And then, btw, if you had a third girl you'd still not swap her for the world once she was here!)

Oh and finally, read up a bit on the biology before feeling that YOU have 'let people down' - it's the sperm that decides the sex!!!!

startail Wed 13-Jul-11 12:34:33

Hugs - you are going to get flamed and lots of feminists on your back. None of that, at the moment, is going to stop you being sad at not having the family you imagined.
All I can say is that as the mum of girls there are a lot of practical advantaged to having two children the same sex. most of all that they are happy in each others company around the ages of 8 to 13 when girls and boys see each other as aliens. Also, don't think you'll escape toy cars, trains and Lego, you just get the dolls and pink tat as well. Not to mention football boots and ballet shoes, which belong to the same DDhmm
As for your DH, he'll drive you mad spoiling them and telling everyone how beautiful they are.

RustyBear Wed 13-Jul-11 12:38:56

This is why I'm glad I didn't find out the sex of either of my two before they were born - when I was expecting my first, I actually wanted a girl, but I didn't have time to be disappointed before I fell in love with him. If I'd found out months before, I might have brooded on it a bit, though I still think it wouldn't have mattered once he was born.

I don't think I was a 'bad mother' for feeling like this, or that you are either, or that you need to be told to 'get a grip' (probably the most useless comment regularly posted on these boards) If that's how you feel, it's how you feel and being told you shouldn't feel like that doesn't miraculously make those feelings go away. What would be a problem is if you translated those feelings into treating your baby any differently, and as I said above, I really doubt you'll do that.

I do think feelings like this are due to society's stereotypical perception of what boys and girls are 'like', and the reality is very different, but it is extremely difficult to overcome those perceptions, even in yourself. Even though I thought I'd got over wanting a girl, I remember watching a TV ad shortly after DS was born which had an idealised mother/teenage daughter going shopping situation and feeling sad that I might never get to do that. But that was when I was still feeling hormonal, pretty soon, it was difficult to imagine, and impossible to want, him to be any different.

LYN1982 Wed 13-Jul-11 12:39:04

I would suggest having a read of some of the other threads on here. Some women are desperate for babies that they sadly lose and I am sure they are unconcerned with gender. I'm sure it will all sink in soon and you will be delighted with your pink bundle when she arrives. Good luck with your pregnancy.

porcupine11 Wed 13-Jul-11 12:41:10

You can't help how you feel, and you are perfectly entitled to use Mumsnet to vent what you prob can't say to many people in real life. People who are 'telling you off' for these thoughts are being entirely unreasonable, and have probably rationalized and pushed back their own feelings so very far that they feel obliged to start pushing their rationalized thoughts onto others.

I understand totally as I always wanted 3 girls and so far I have two boys. Now I didn't find out before the births as I knew I'd be upset they weren't girls, but it took me approx 2 days to get over the shock of DS1 being a boy and 2 minutes to get over DS2 being a boy ... so I'm guessing that 2 mins after you've met your daughter you won't care a bit!!

Hufflepuzzpig Wed 13-Jul-11 12:43:18

Ah you'll be alright in the end. Best to accept your feelings and work through them rather than brush it under the carpet. You've done the right thing finding out as you've got time now. My friend is expecting her 4th, they were disappointed when the scan said DC3 was another girl, and this time they haven't found out. Their choice of course, but if I were them I would find out because they may be disappointed again.

formerdiva Wed 13-Jul-11 12:46:35

Agree with porcupline11.

RetroHouswife - would you speak to acquaintances like that, or do you reserve it for MN? confused

Ephiny Wed 13-Jul-11 12:48:10

I'm really shocked that people would respond to your news by saying 'oh, shame' shock.

Maybe you need a bit of time to get used to the idea that you're having another girl, and this feminist at least wouldn't flame you for that. You feel what you feel, it's not right or wrong, it's just what it is. But don't worry for a moment about 'letting other people down', they sound quite rude and unpleasant to make the comments they have.

I haven't had this experience myself. But I think what happens is that once the baby is here, they're just who they are, an individual, not just 'a boy' or 'a girl' or 'a son' in the abstract sense, as they are before you've met them.

You will be fine in time, I desperately wanted a girl the first time and when I found I I was having a boy I was quite down for a while.

Then by the time I got pregnant again I wanted another boy as I loved ds so much, then I found out it was a girl and was all disapointed again.

I is human to have hopes and dreams, you will soon be delighted with what you have.

ShowOfHands Wed 13-Jul-11 12:54:22

You will be absolutely fine. You don't have to filter your feelings and reactions through the concerns of others. Please don't feel that you're being selfish or ridiculous to feel this way. If you haven't experienced something like gender disappointment before, it can be easy to criticise. It's a visceral reaction, not tempered by even your own rational thoughts.

At the moment you know only one thing about your baby and that's the fact of its gender. I promise you that it will be almost irrelevant in the same way that dd1's gender is irrelevant. The way she smiles, her peculiar quirks, the way you love her fiercely is everything to do with her being a unique and remarkable individual and it will be the same with dd2.

It will pass. You're not sad about dd2 but regretting the chance of a ds. It's very different and utterly normal. I know you can't feel it now, but you'll adore your baby just because she's yours. And you'll look back and laugh. Promise.

Give yourself some time.

Pinkjenny Wed 13-Jul-11 12:59:29

Agree with all that SOH has said. I have one of each, but was terribly disappointed when I found out that I was having a ds. I know now that my relationship with them totally transcends their gender.

Honest.

HPonEverything Wed 13-Jul-11 13:14:47

Every single family member kept saying 'hope its a boy' and I know my husband wanted a son too
I can identify with that a bit, to be honest, and like you I right now feel like I'll have 'let people down' if I have a girl. The other week on holiday talking to strangers who asked if we knew the gender, my MiL replied "I hope for HIS sake it's a boy" (nodding towards my DH). I was mortified and thought it very insensitive. My own parents are just so pleased to have a GC at last that it could come out a martian for all they care.

But I think the fact that I'll be so overwhelmed with my new little daughter if that's what it is (and for the record, I don't give a toss either way) that worrying about other people's feelings will (just for once) go on the back-burner! She will probably get taking to rugby matches and diggerland by my dad anyway, but if she turns out to be a boy I expect mum will still want to teach him to knit and do tapestry. MiL can s0d off, I'm just too excited to care!

nicolamumof3 Wed 13-Jul-11 13:19:26

I also received lots of 'condolences' almost when announcing that dc3 was to be a boy. I have three boys you see, everyone had this unfounded perception that we wanted a girl. Why? The amount of 'never mind's or 'you can have another' I received i was really shocked by.

This time i am expecting our first girl, and i will admit took me several days to get my head around, i was shocked. NEver disappointed as every baby is a blessing and individual the sex of the child irrelevant imo.

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