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husband wont help with names

(53 Posts)
myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear Sat 09-Jul-11 10:56:17

Hi,

I dont often post on here, but I am looking for some mumsnet honesty.

Im 30 weeks pregnant today with DC3 and having real trouble with finding a name both me and DH like. We had a 4D scan at 25 weeks and found out it was a girl. We had a boys name sorted (DH's choice), but not a girls. Anyway now its a girl we need to start again and DH is being no help whatsoever.

I want to give her a name as to me she's a real person and I want to start calling her by her name so we can start thinking of her as a person and not just a baby. So I have been looking and thinking of girls names. I have made a few suggestions to DH and he either makes a no-way type of comment or just grunts. Ive told him to come up with a name and all he says is that he doesnt like any girls names so wont be able to come up with anything and Ive got to choose.

So the other day I thought of a first name and middle name and he didnt whinge, so Ive decided that the name I had chosen was going to be the baby's name. Now he's saying its horrible. What do I do? He wont think of a name, Ive been telling him to think of something and he wont even consider anything.

First of all am I being silly? Im 30 weeks so potentially could have another 12 weeks to go, as DH says plenty of time to start thinking of a name. However, I cant help getting upset at DH for not helping me come up with a name and I really want one now. He tells me to choose and everything I do isnt good enough What do I do?

Thanks.

apple99 Sat 09-Jul-11 11:04:34

He sounds a little childish, asking you to choose but then dismissing the names you come up with.

Yes you do have plenty of time but it is nice to start thinking about names. My dh isn't very good at choosing names, I made a list of what I liked and showed it to him and we went from there.

In your situation I would just leave it for a couple of weeks and then maybe make a list of the names you like and give it to him, ask his opinion and if he refuses to choose then you choose and just go with it smile

allhailtheaubergine Sat 09-Jul-11 11:07:51

Okay, I think you are being a bit frantic. There's lots of time left and you don't really need a name until the baby is born. Not even then if you can't find the right one straight away.

Also, the baby is a real person to you whether or not she has a name. Your husband is less involved at this stage - he doesn't feel every wriggle and kick and hiccup. It is understandable that he doesn't understand your urgency to pick a name now now NOW.

However, I also think your husband is being a bit mulish about it. It would be nice if he humoured you on this. Is there some underlying cause? Is he disappointed that the baby is a girl? Worried about how you will both cope with another baby? Do you need to have a non-confrontational chat with him about what's going on?

I think what I would do is drop the subject. Privately choose a beautiful name for my little girl, and when he eventually asks I would say "oh, I'm calling her X" and if he objects point out that he didn't want to help choosing a name so you did it yourself.

However if he then bucked up and joined in I would give him a second chance so you could both choose a name you both like.

Also - if you need to name the baby now, why not have a cute bump name? Most people do.

Changing2011 Sat 09-Jul-11 11:08:56

The baby doesnt NEED a name yet - I think you are getting in a knot over this far too early. I personally wait until baby is here until deciding on the name as I have known people call the "bump" a name all the way through and then change it as soon as it arrives - the baby just didnt look like whatever name they had picked first.

What names have you got in mind?

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sat 09-Jul-11 11:11:48

Why don't you give her a special nickname for you to use? It is possible that when she pops out you might want to change your mind on the name anyway.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sat 09-Jul-11 11:12:26

Lol x post with changing grin

myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear Sat 09-Jul-11 11:21:57

Im too keen on bump names TBH and I dont understand that people change the name once baby is born as it doesnt look like an x, with my previous two we had the names before they were born and we stuck to them. Im aware that this could just be me though and Im happy to realise that others do have bump names and change any chosen name once baby is born.

Im wondering if Im just getting upset by it cos he just doesnt seem to WANT to think of any names. I dont want to have to pick one last minute (with a possibility of being stuck with a name we dont like) because we hadnt thought about it before hand. I know it is a bit early, but I just cant help with wanting to come up with a name now.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sat 09-Jul-11 11:25:25

If he has said that he doesn't like any names and doesn't want to choose then take him at his word. Choose a name you like and go with it. He's either being a dick or he really isn't interested in names, either way the outcome is the same.

And this thing about men not being as involved is nonsense. That's just an excuse when you're talking about things like names. He bloody well should be involved in things like that. Why do people pander to men like this?

myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear Sat 09-Jul-11 11:30:08

Whoops just read what I wrote on the last post, I meant Im NOT too keep on bump names. They are all just a bit soppy to me and Im not like that.

babyonbord Sat 09-Jul-11 11:48:08

It sounds like he was maybe hoping for a little boy and is doing what men do when they don't get their way (go off in a sulk) after all men never really leave the terrible twos behind do they they just get bigger. If i were you i'd pick a few names you like and once the baby is born and your dh comes out of his sulk (which he will do as soon as he wants sex) you can sit down and choose one then.

allhailtheaubergine Sat 09-Jul-11 11:48:43

I don't see that it is pandering to men to point out that having a real baby kicking you in the ribs 24/7 makes you more involved with your unborn child than your husband who probably goes hours at a time without giving the baby a thought.

harrygracejessica Sat 09-Jul-11 11:49:51

I wrote a list of girls names I liked then made OH cross off the ones he didn't like and went from there lol

Georgimama Sat 09-Jul-11 11:52:45

He could be bothered to think about names when they were boys names. He had done it weeks ago. He clearly has an issue with the fact the baby is a girl. He needs to get the fuck over this, pronto. You choose a name and stick to it if he won't participate.

pictish Sat 09-Jul-11 11:54:15

I think you're being quite pushy and a touch barmy insisting on choosing the name right now. Sorry.

Wait till the baby is born fgs - I'm sure your dh will take far more of an interest then.I think he's fobbing you off and being truculent because frankly, you are being a bit bizarre about it.

pictish Sat 09-Jul-11 11:56:47

Btw - if my dh had insisted on giving our unborn baby a name so he could refer to him/her by it before he/she was born, I'd be shushing him away and avoiding the subject too. Bugger being cornered into making a decision like that when it isn't required.

RingEir Sat 09-Jul-11 11:57:03

I don't think you are overreacting, but maybe the underlying issue here is that you feel your DH isn't that interested in the baby since he found out it was a girl. It sounds as though you both had assumed it was a boy. As he seems determined to be uncooperative I think you are perfectly within your rights to choose the name and I agree with allhail. There's no point pushing him on it, but if you do find a name you like, you can let him overhear you telling your friends, family etc and that way he will get used to it.

I completely agree that it's nice to have a name from early on. We have known the name we are going to call our little boy for ages, and for me it has helped me bond more with him. Also, I am a bit of a perfectionist/obsessivesmile and I would hate the stress of trying to decide on a name the day the baby was born.

If I were you, I would try to ignore your DHs attitude and take advantage of the fact that this way you get the name you want and can take all the time you like to decide.

superjobeespecs Sat 09-Jul-11 12:01:02

he should be helping you the baby is his daughter too and he should respect you want to adress the baby by 'her' name.

DS isnt due till october but everyone asks how baby 'x' is doing and mentions oh i seen such and such in town for baby 'x' it makes the baby so much more real IMO smile

myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear Sat 09-Jul-11 12:07:32

I dont WANT to wait till the baby is born or I will be stuck with something I really dont like. This baby will have to put up with the name for the rest of its life (obvioiusly there is such a thing as deed poll) and I will have to put up with it too so dont see why its "barmy" thinking of a name BEFORE baby is born. In fact i think its pretty barmby to wait for that long. As far as i was aware MOST people start to think of names before baby is born anyway. Yes I've thought it might be a bit early, but Ive also said I want to start thinking of the baby as a person and each person needs a name. So thanks pictish for being rather insulting. Yes I know I wanted honesty, but I also thought people could be nice and everyone else has been. If everyone else had said ooh its a bit early then fair enough, but most people have seen this post for what it is my concern about DH not helping me out. BTW I cant help my hormones are all over the place (kind of happens in pregnancy) so cant help feeling upset he wont think of anything. Also I dont push and push him, Ive asked him for some ideas, he said he doesnt like anything and for me to choose, but I keep suggesting names and nothing is good enough for him. Im just getting fed up of trying to think of one of the most important decisions I can make regarding this child when nothing is right.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sat 09-Jul-11 12:29:30

The fact that he isn't the one carrying the baby is totally beside the point. No one expects men to produce a urine specimen every time the women do but when it's something as important as choosing a name then yes, it is an excuse and it is pandering. He helped create this baby, why should he not get involved in the planning?

Continuum Sat 09-Jul-11 12:32:10

Completely understand! Our girls name was sorted but boys was more difficult and so when we found out at 21 weeks he was a boy I needed a name now!! No way was I going to wait till I was freaking knackered and under pressure to come up with a name after he was born. So much nicer to get rid of cutesy bump name and use cutesy nickname of the chosen name. As it was so difficult we both wrote a list of 50 names, discovered 5 the same and then chose one. We'd done 10 and 20 names before and went for a massive number in case an unusual one jumped out.

As for your dh, he is being singularly unhelpful. A name is going to have to be chosen at some point! I would give him a list of names you like and if he's dismissive tell him to come up with a list himself then and fairly quickly. Especially if you end up compromising on a name I think it's important to get used to it before the baby is here and there could be regrets.

pictish Sat 09-Jul-11 12:43:02

Of course we think about names before the baby is born!! Everyone does. Not many people insist on using it before the baby makes an appearance though.

All of our kids have been about a week old before we settled on their names. Ok, you don't want to do that....but does it really have to be NOW?

My dh is vetoed everything I suggested too, while not really coming up with many suggestions himself at all. He's a man that likes to take his time and mull things over.
What's interesting about that, is that he came up with perfect names for two of our three kids. After they were born.

Stop being so bossy.

myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear Sat 09-Jul-11 12:50:56

Erm how am i being bossy? Ive said i dont go on and on about it, ive asked him and he's said he cant think of anything so for me to choose, but everytime I do come up with a name he just dismisses it straight away. We have had the baby name conversation about once, possibly twice a week. Happened to have had it this morning thats why it was on my mind.

Ive asked for advice about what to do and ive been told to keep thinking of names and to leave DH to it and if he doesnt come up with anything then its my choice so thats what Im going to do.

your last message was much nicer till the bossy comment. Although personally I dont want to wait until its born or even a week after shock, I want to have a name ready, but fair enough others dont although I wouldnt have a go at someone just cos they were trying to choose a different name at a different time than me.

pictish Sat 09-Jul-11 13:03:39

Make a list of 5 you really like and have him help you choose from that.
Keep it simple.

lovesicecream Sat 09-Jul-11 17:06:42

If he can't be bothered to come up with anything call her what you like and tough if he hates it ! Your not being unreasonable my last baby was born at 32 weeks, I'm glad we had already got his name decided

Beccabop Sat 09-Jul-11 18:40:52

You seem to have over-dramatised this issue somewhat.. lots of I DONT WANT's in your messages... wink

It is very arsy of him to insist you pick one however then say he doesnt like it afterwards!

When beautiful baby girl is born theres no doubt he'll become inspired, he'll be in love with her after all.

Just leave it be til then.

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