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Pregnant and dont know what to do :(

(20 Posts)
deardear Thu 07-Jul-11 12:14:04

ok so i have just found out i am pregnant with child number 3. i am over 40 and DH is over 50 (early 50's). youngest child is 11. I suffer with an under active thyroid and also on antidepressant for pain relief

i have no idea what to do, whether i actually want this baby - DH is saying he is too old and has virtually stopped speaking to me.

i have an appointment at a family planning clinic next week but am in two minds whether to go.

we can just about afford it - last time i didnt qualify for maternity pay and had nothing apart from incapacity. things have changed somewhat and now find i can have 33 weeks off on £133 per week! First baby i had i got £40 per week and went back to work when she was 8 weeks old

threefeethighandrising Thu 07-Jul-11 12:40:16

What a tricky situation. Do you think DH is just in shock and might come round to the idea, or is he completely against it? Not that I'm trying to say it should be his decision! Just trying to start somewhere to hopefully help you make sense of it a little.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit Thu 07-Jul-11 12:48:02

Firstly, your DH is being completely unfair by giving you the silent treatment - you hardly got yourself pregnant, did you?

Secondly, please don't rush into any appointments. You have plenty of time to think through the pro's and cons, give yourself some breathing space.

roz1982 Thu 07-Jul-11 12:48:50

I think you need to think with your heart - if you WANT to keep the baby then you should; you will always think of reasons not to, but will those reasons be enough if you decide to terminate then feel awful and regretful? At the same time there is no shame what so ever in a termination if you do not want to go through with the pregnancy. DH needs to sort his head out.

solospud Thu 07-Jul-11 12:51:15

There is nothing about affording a baby go with your heart solospud is here for you and i am 53 mum and nanny x

deardear Thu 07-Jul-11 12:54:35

thank you - to start with i was in shock and said to the doctor i didnt want the baby - i do want it. DH was like this with both our other children but once they were born he was fine. i have told him i dont know whether i could go through with a termination - it would be a pill at this stage apparently.

bit mixed up in that i am scared about starting all over again, telling my parents who will grumble and putting up with his childish spoilt brat behaviour. my elder two will be fab and will help out alot.

just feel he is trying to push me into something i dont want to do even though when i left him a message to say i was he left me a voicemail to say he would stand by me and it was up to me.

damn hormones

deardear Thu 07-Jul-11 12:56:56

solospud i cant seem to message you when i click message poster. how old were you when you had your youngest?

Xiaoxiong Thu 07-Jul-11 12:58:31

You will likely get much more informed advice than from a 27 year old first time mum but I didn't want you to go unanswered.

I'd say the first thing is to get it straight in your own mind how you feel about the pregnancy. When you think about the next few months of pregnancy, how do you imagine yourself? Imagine coming home with a newborn and your 33 weeks off - how does that feel? It's hard to imagine a baby in the abstract - much easier to think about your life now with DH and your two DCs and think about a newborn baby fitting into that life. It also means that you will have a child at home for the next 18 years until you are nearly 60 - how does that feel? Are you excited about going through childcare, milestones, schools, exams, teenagers again in 15 years time, or apprehensive?

Next think about how you will feel if you terminate. Do you feel a weight of worry lifting off? Disappointment that you will not have another child? Both?

Next is to sit down with DH and discuss how he feels. It's his child, his life and his family that will be affected too. Is it just that he feels too old? Is there anything else? Hopefully if he feels you are open to his opinions and you haven't just made up your mind he will stop giving you the silent treatment which is just unacceptable at such an important time in your lives. It's your family so I'm not sure whether you would also talk to your DCs - some would, some wouldn't - you know your children best.

I would only then move on to logistics. Don't let the logistical issues make your mind up for you if you decide you'd like another baby. There are ways to make it work, as you found with your first child.

There's no shame in deciding that you just cannot bear to go through it all again - I know two women who have had late unexpected pregnancies when they thought they had already finished having children and just knew it wasn't for them. I remember asking one how she knew and she said the feeling with her first two children was one of overwhelming excitement and pleasure - but finding out about the last pregnancy was a feeling of depression, exhaustion and dread, so she knew that wasn't the right environment for her to have another child.

OTOH my MIL had her youngest son 11 years after my DH (same father) and said it was the most lovely wonderful surprise finding out she would be a mum again in her 40s, so she knew she wanted the pregnancy to continue.

deardear Thu 07-Jul-11 13:03:40

i feel content that i have something growing in my belly. the feeling sick isnt nice but hey ho could be worse. think the main thing is sorting out DH as once that is sorted i will start to relax a bit more and be more comfortable with it. ATM i feel like i am burdening him with it and is that fair on him and am i being selfish.

i had a late termination 20 years ago and still think about that baby, know his due date his conception date and everything and i also remember the feeling of complete emptiness and depression i had afterwards. i dont want to go through that again even though if i did it would be earlier.

threefeethighandrising Fri 08-Jul-11 00:03:49

How are you today deardear? Is DH being a bit more reasonable?

deardear Fri 08-Jul-11 10:35:53

he was quite chatty last night. however i didnt bring the baby up sad will try again at the weekend. i do feel alot happier today having got my concerns off my chest though thanks to all of you who have replied.

dreamingbohemian Fri 08-Jul-11 10:43:35

I'm glad you are feeling better. Like someone else said, you still have time to think about things so don't rush into anything.

If you are over 35, you cannot take the abortion pill, you would need to have a surgical termination. I just thought I would mention in case that affects your thinking at all.

I think it's sweet the older kids would help you a lot smile Good luck!

stupefy Fri 08-Jul-11 10:50:09

I'm in the same situation as you except we are both in our thirties. 2 kids and unexpectedly pregnant with a 3rd. DH is being an utter git and refusing to talk to me/be in the same room as room as me and has called me selfish for not wanting a termination. He's being about as unsupportive as it's possible to be. It's making me look at him in an entirely unpleasant light sad

I have no advise, I seem to be making a bit of a hash of things myself, but good luck smile

Shyera Fri 08-Jul-11 18:14:22

Know how ur feeling stupefy my OH will not tlk to me or even look at me, he does not want baby no3 but he does nt agree with terminations so this had placed me in a v emotional position.

deardear Mon 11-Jul-11 14:15:09

i didnt know you couldnt have the pill if you are over 35? off to have a google but thats daft!

deardear Mon 11-Jul-11 14:19:03

i have just found the necessary info - you cant have it if you are over 35 or under 18 sad good news in one way as there is no way i would have a surgical termination but DH wont be happy!

deardear Tue 12-Jul-11 12:49:10

well well - what a turnaround! went home in tears yesterday afternoon, spoke to DH and told him what i had found out and he said ok lets go ahead - looks like we are having another baby!!

can i just say thanks to the poster who mentioned about the over 35 thing with the pill. they certainly dont tell you that i would have wasted an appointment had i have gone and found that out.

generallyspeaking Tue 12-Jul-11 12:56:19

Hope it all goes really well for you and your dh. There will be tough days, but looks like you are going to have a lovely brilliant baby :-)

dreamingbohemian Tue 12-Jul-11 14:30:08

You're welcome smile

And congratulations!!! I'm really happy for you guys, hope everything goes well!

threefeethighandrising Tue 12-Jul-11 16:26:52

Congratulations! smile

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