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How do i get round this.....

(11 Posts)
salempickles Thu 07-Jul-11 09:04:00

I work in a small team, actually just me and my boss! the thing is she is pregnant about 5 months along and exactly where i would of been had i not had a mc a few months ago. I feel fine talking about it so i know im getting over it, but the thing is its really getting me down listening to her moaning on about her symptoms, not out of boredom but im ashamed to admit its pure jealousy!

I know its bad but cant help it, she found out the sex of the baby on friday and although she wasnt in work she rang me to tell me what it was, shes said many times shes never been interested in having children and is only doing it for her husband, so i seemed more excited than her to find out what it was! i just cant help thinking it shouldnt be her it should of been me and its a horrible place to be when im thinking like that!

Ive now just found out my cousin is pregnant, were not close but my nan is constantly on the phone telling me every detail about her - My nan has a tendency to compare everyone and everything so puts us all down by doing so.

The only people that know about my mc is myself and my partner, i dont really want to tell people about it now so guess i will just have to suffer in silence, i just want to know am i alone feeling like this and does it get better...

LB1982 Thu 07-Jul-11 10:26:07

Hi smile

I have had two miscarriages and it does get better eventually. I couldn't cope with hearing about other pregnancies at all at first. I couldn't even look at a child in the street or a baby in a pram. I would burst into floods.

Are you continuing to try? I thought about the fact that I could get pregnant (albeit not to term) a great comfort because it meant my 'bits' were all in working order and those babies weren't meant to be.

Now, 6 years after my first miscarriage I'm doing well and am nearly 5 months.

I wish you all the best smile

redexpat Thu 07-Jul-11 11:20:47

Oh dear I'm sorry you lost one. you're not alone. Remember that they are not doing it to upset you.

InMyPrime Thu 07-Jul-11 12:16:45

It's difficult. On the one hand, you don't want to tell all and sundry about your miscarriage as people can be very insensitive. On the other hand, they're being unwittingly insensitive (well, your boss and your granny are) by going on to you all the time about babies. How is your relationships with your boss? You could always tell her so she realises that you have had a loss and shows more sensitivity (if she's that kind of considerate person).

When I had my MMC last year, two of my close friends announced pregnancies within a month of when I would have been due and it was incredibly difficult as neither of them knew I'd had a miscarriage. One of them lives outside the country so she would normally have known but I hadn't had a chance to tell her and then felt bad telling her once she'd announced her pregnancy.

When they had their babies we got the photos / cards to the house, which was really difficult. I was happy for them but just didn't want to know at the same time. I wanted to live in a baby/pregnancy-free zone which is unfortunately not very feasible!

Thankfully, by my own due date I was pregnant again and am now 28 weeks so I feel much more able to deal with things now. It is really down to who you can tell. I think I erred on the side of not telling anyone and having to show a stiff upper lip about things because of that. Sometimes it's better to tell people so they're not so insensitive. MC shouldn't be such a taboo. Best of luck with TTC for the future. Hopefully you will have some good luck soon and be able to share some happy news of your own. Check out the miscarriage / pregnancy loss forum on here as well - it's very supportive.

LIG1979 Thu 07-Jul-11 12:43:39

Hello Salempickles,
I can sympathise and luckily discovered the hide button on facebook to remove the statuses of a friend (not particularly close) who had a due date a week after mine was supposed to me. I found the pregnancy ticker, scans, photos of belly expanding too much to deal with along with every status related to her pregnancy. On the other hand my SIL who told me about her pregnancy a week after I had the miscarriage has kept very quiet (i assume to avoid rubbing my nose in it) and I haven't asked her about it. In a way I feel very left out as I know very little about what is going on although not sure I could deal with constant updates either. (It proves that either way I am not happy!)

I do think time is a healer and now nearly 3 months on I am able to deal with much more and I am happy with my child-free life again. Hopefully, in another 3 months I feel ever more recovered (and be pregnant grin)!! x

salempickles Thu 07-Jul-11 16:11:08

Well i thought about telling my boss after reading these messages, but once i got in she announces she wasnt staying long as she had to go and pick up her pram - then i got a big lecture on the trials of pram buying and how difficult it was, really wanted to scream out i know how hard it is i have looked for myself you know, but didnt.

Shes not the compassionate type at all and i think telling her would only be good for gossip from her friends, her 1 friend she has recently had a little girl so the constant bringing her in at the weekends to show off is also getting too much, yet when they leave cos she wont stop screaming makes me a little glad its not me having to deal with that! I think i may put up with it for a bit longer as the shop is shutting soon so seems pointless looking for another job to avoid her. Just glad im not alone.

We are trying again, the MC only happened in april so my cycles have gone even shorter than before and totally unpredictable so its hard to figure it all out!

LIG1979 Good to hear from you again, ive name changed from vix1980, too many people i knew where coming on here, but i agree ive had to hide almost everyone on facebook who was pregnant, can put up with some status but those freaky pictures of the baby developing were to much to see on a weekly basis! glad to see you so positive though! x

questforanswers Thu 07-Jul-11 17:55:20

Hi there I can understand how you feel, in a way. Although I haven't MC we had been trying for over a year and were at the beginning of a very long road of fertility tests when we found out it had happened. During that year of believing my body just wasn't up to the job my 2 closest friends told me they were expecting. I was devestated by one of my friend's announcements as she only told us in december that they were going to try and by the January she was pregnant! Oh how I cried!! Once I'd got over the upset (and downright jealousy) I realised I could play to my advantage as I am always going to be in their lives. I know it seems challenging at the moment but it will get better xx

salempickles Thu 07-Jul-11 22:02:07

Hi thanks for your words, it is horrible to hear of people trying then getting pregnant just by looking at each other, my cousin has done that, 1 of her friends had a baby in April, she announced on face book she was broody and within a month then announced she was pregnant. I personally thought it was way too early to tell people but i guess im bound to feel like that as i was only 6 weeks when i had the MC, next time ill wait the full 12 weeks if i can before i tell everyone.

We weren't actively trying to get pregnant more case of if it happens it happens, now we've discussed that we both want to try properly and he seems to have changed his mind again, i think thats getting to e too as i do actually need him to help in this- well not actually him just a few of his best swimmers!!

Pastabee Fri 08-Jul-11 06:43:09

I didn't want to read and run and wanted to explain I'm in the opposite situation. I'm 5 months and a member of my staff would have been a few weeks ahead had she not suffered a m/c.

I just wanted to say I'm totally shocked that this person would feel it was a gossip topic. My colleague rang me from the hospital and my heart broke for her. She wanted it kept completely private and I respect that. I can't believe anyone would not respect your privacy in these sad circumstances. It's just not on and I'm pretty sure your company would take a dim view of her management skills if she told her mates.

What my colleague went through was dreadful and it's easier for both of us that I know because I can moderate what I say in front of her and we've had an honest conversation about how she feels about my pregnancy. She was kind enough and big enough so say she is very happy for me and thinks I'll be good mum but also honest enough to say baby talk makes her very upset so can I be sensitive to that. I think I've managed that, I've certainly tried very hard and wouldn't dream of buying baby things at lunchtime.

I have to say I worried dreadfully about affecting our relationship and making things worse for her but I think we've both handled it the best we can because we've been honest with each other.

I guess I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that you can't tell your boss because i know that me knowing has helped a lot in my circumstances.

I don't know if it's the right thing to say but I hope things get easier for you.

salempickles Fri 08-Jul-11 08:51:29

Hi, thanks for that, its lovely to see it from a different perspective actually, I think you sound very level headed and compassionate about the whole thing, but im afraid my boss is just not made the same, shes very arrogant and finds the negative in everything so likes to have a moan. Its her business which is failing by the day cos shes too lazy to do anything about it, but rather than try she just sits back has a moan about everything and admitted shes waiting for the day she can just shut the business down as she dreads coming to work.

I feel sorry for her husband, hes so nice yet she definitely wears the trousers, I'm almost sure she would tell everyone she knows as Ive had to endure very intimate details of her friends relationships, from friends abortions to sex on a bus! why she feels i should know these things is beyond me so i don't doubt for a second shes hesitate to tell everyone about my situation.

Im kind of stuck in a no win situation, if i tell her it may become easier for me but she will tell anyone who stops to listen, if i dont tell her i just have to put up with her for a few more weeks, then when i do eventually leave ill have my nan going on non stop about my cousin, even if i told my nan i dont think shed stop talking, shes very excited and already buying things for the baby! Arrrrgggghhhhh! rant over!

Pastabee Sat 09-Jul-11 09:05:59

It really does sound like a very difficult situation. I think your observation that however unpleasant it is you have to put up with it is right in the circumstances. It shouldn't be how you have to approach this but I think you would feel worse if your boss gossiped about you and it doesn't sound as though it would achieve much in terms of making things a bit easier to cope with.

I really am very sorry for you. You've been through enough without work being difficult too.

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