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Should I tell her?

(15 Posts)
questforanswers Mon 04-Jul-11 07:45:37

I found out I was pregnant over a week ago after a year ttc and last month my partner and I got engaged grin Nearly 3 years ago I had a HUGE fall out with my family. Little background- I had a terrible childhood, in and out of care from the age of 10 until I was uncerimoniously kicked out of the care system on my 18th birthday with just the promise of help to pay a deposit on a rented flat (no flat tho!). My relationship with my mum has always been strained at best and 3 years ago, after an incident in which she completely blanked me, as if she didn't even know me, I decided I had had enough of trying to please her and walked away. I can honestly say I have never been so happy smile. I feel as tho I have been a bit of a success, despite the crap start. I had a mental breakdown at 18 but, far from being the end of my life, it was actually the massive turnaround I needed. I have been a nurse since 2002, I have an amazing fiance, we have built up a fantastic life together. My mother knows none of this and I've had no desire to tell her. Now I'm pregnant do I really need to tell her? I personally don't feel that I want my child to be around someone who thinks nothing of blanking their own flesh and blood as I feel, later down the line, that she could be potentially destructive. Obviously I want to protect my baby and give it the start to life that I didn't have, I never want to end up like my mother, but am I being unfair in wilfully witholding it's grandparents? My partner's parents are amazing and for the last 3 years have treated me as one of their own so I don't think it'll be missing out. What do you guys think?

GwendolineMaryLacey Mon 04-Jul-11 07:49:04

Personally, I wouldn't bother. Sounds like you're far happier without her in your life and fought to get there and if your child will have good grandparents in your PIL then that's all the more reason. Yes, you are wilfully withholding grandparents but she sounds like she'd be a rubbish grandparent anyway. It'd be different if you were depriving them of a potentially wonderful relationship.

Is your father around? If so, is the relationship with him as bad?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 04-Jul-11 07:51:58

No, I wouldn't tell her, it'll just open up all that childhood crap again. It doesn't sound like you benefited from having her in your life, I doubt your child will either.

(And sorry about your childhood, you sound like you've done wonderfully well)

effingwotnots Mon 04-Jul-11 07:54:39

I really wouldn't bother either.

Look at what you have made of your life despite the rough start she gave you. Spend your thoughts and energy on those who care about you. There's a chance she would let you down again and neither you nor baby needs that.

CoffeeIsMyFriend Mon 04-Jul-11 07:56:24

agree with tortoise and gwendo short answer is NO!

She doesnt enrich your life at all and actually has been detrimental to your own mental health. Why include her? Your child will have a loving Mum & Dad and Grandparents on your fiance side.

questforanswers Mon 04-Jul-11 07:57:03

Gosh my life is worthy of the Jeremy Kyle Show! I met my biological father for the first time last year, just before my 28th birthday. Things didn't really work, I guess I'm old enough not to crave a relationship and he has another family. It's difficult for him as he has 2 other children, one of whom is only 13, so for me to suddenly show up and demand his attention would have been unfair (that's me saying that not him). I'm not bitter about it, I was 13 once so I know how she would have felt!!

SoBroken Mon 04-Jul-11 07:57:22

It sounds to me as though you have your life sorted out brilliantly without your mum in it. Yes, it's a shame, but it would be more of a shame if you brought a destructive influence back into your life. It sounds as though it might be bad for you and your new family.

I think I would hold off on telling her just yet. You have a lot of years to make that decision if you change your mind or things improve. Your child might be interested to find his or her grandmother in a few years, you could take that step then if you really wanted to.

But reading your post, it seems to me as though all the positive things you have in your life have come from you, your partner and the hard work you have done since your breakdown.

I didn't meet one of my grandads until I was ten. Before that, he'd only been interested in his new family and hadn't spoken to my mum or her brother and sister for years. He didn't come to weddings or to meet any grandchildren. They sorted things out and now he's part of the family again, but the time had to be right for everyone and it doesn't sound as though it is for you yet.

I hope that helps xxx

silverangel Mon 04-Jul-11 08:15:55

You sound like you have your head screwed on straight, and to tell your mum would only open up past issues that you have moved on from. I wouldn't bother.

Congratulations!

Africagirl1 Mon 04-Jul-11 08:22:48

I agree. my friend allowed her father back into her life when she had kids and as expected he really hurt her. she has since cut off all contact with him - her children have lots of other lovely people in their lives and it was a turning point for her to make the break. when the kids are old enough they will have the choice to make contact on their own or not.

questforanswers Mon 04-Jul-11 08:25:02

Thanks mums! I really don't think she deserves to know but my need to be different to her tells me I'm being unfair to our child. I'm not superhuman but I have worked so hard to get to this point in my life that I don't want to risk it all blowing up in my face. As for the type of grandparent she is? I have a nephew by my older brother (don't see my brother but in regular contact with said nephew and his mum who I call my sister in law) who my brother takes to see her twice a year. There has been no phone calls to him in 9 years, no birthday cards, no christmas cards, and he has said on one occassion that she scares him when she shouts and only last week he refused to come down and see her. That was pretty much what helped me make my mind up! If her own nephew refuses to see her it doesn't bode well does it!!
But then again I know there are people who have lost their parents and would give anything to have them back so in that respect I feel selfish!!

AlpinePony Mon 04-Jul-11 08:29:13

I had a horrible childhood and my mother is a monster.

Stupidly I got back in touch when I got pregnant and she's still a fucking cow. On one hand she worships her grandson and calls him "my boy" hmm , but she's still bloody horrible to me and insanely jealous of his other grandma. I've just found out I'm pregnant again and I think I'm going to have to distance myself again. We've just spent a week at their house and for all the lip-service, weren't made to feel particularly welcome.

I will say though, I did at first think it was different - it does seem the balance of power has shifted, or maybe because I am happy in my skin(!), I'm more comfortable telling her to fuck off when she crosses boundaries. But why on earth would I want someone in my life whom I keep having to "reprimand"?

Leopards don't change their spots it seems. sad

Newbie20 Mon 04-Jul-11 08:37:03

I personally would tell her about it but tell her that if she continues to act the way she did to you then contact will be broken between you all. I was in a sort of similar situation once. My mum and dad split before I was born and my mum refused to let him see me even though he tried to get in contact many times. I didn't end up meeting my dad until I was 15 due to my mums newest partner said that it was unfair for me to be kept from seeing my dad. My dad and I have a great relationship now and he comes and visits my little family when he has time off from work.

kri5ty Mon 04-Jul-11 08:46:17

I have a similar background...

Mum and dad split up when i was 2, had a terrible childhood thanks to my mother, which i won't go in to the details, havent spoke to her for over 5 years now, and my dad the same for different reasons.

I have not told my dad i am pregnant, as i figured i dont want anything to do with him, and i dont think of him as a "father" i am better off without him

I told my mum, but only because i know she had a lot of problems with childbirth etc and lots of mcs, so i needed to get the info off her... otherwise i wouldnt have bothered at all!

Some people shouldnt be allowed children, she was one of them, she was an awful mother, why would she be any better at being a grandparent?

kri5ty Mon 04-Jul-11 08:47:47

and by the way congrats!!! grin

lisad123 Mon 04-Jul-11 09:10:20

Congtatulations grin
No I wouldnt tell her. DH has a very toxic elationship with his mum and dad who lucky for us, moved 5 hours away shortly after we met. She has seen DD1 a total of 5 times in 8 years and DD2 once in nearly 4 years. They dont miss out, they dont know her and my parents are very close to them.
Parents that are toxic really dont add anything to a grandchilds life, and just add stress to you.
Enjoy your LO, she/he will be just fine with loving parents, one set of grandparents and no stress smile

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