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Mother wants to visit and stay for two weeks when DC1 is born.

(34 Posts)
ToriaPumpkin Sun 03-Jul-11 13:38:53

And we don't want her to. Ever since I told her we were TTC she has told me that she'll be coming to stay when the baby's born, just like her mum did when I was born. I've tried to subtly tell her that things are different to when I was born (DH will have paternity leave etc) but she's not taking the hint and keeps telling me how wonderful it was that my grandmother came down and did this and that and the other and mum just had to sleep and feed.

DH and I have now discussed this properly and we really don't want her to come. It would be one thing to visit for a day/few hours but she lives hundreds of miles away so would have to stay. And we really do appreciate the offer, and are happy for her to come after DH's leave, but for those first few days we really just want it to be the three of us.

Any advice? Mum and I normally have a really strong relationship, she's very good at stepping back and letting me make my own decisions, but I think she's a bit blinded by the fact this is her first grandchild (FWIW DH's parents, for whom this is also the first, have already been banned from visiting immediately) I KNOW she only wants to help and is excited about being a grandmother, and I don't want to dampen that, but we really feel that a little time just as a family is important. Time to get into our own routine, work out all those little things that make a family tick, without someone else in the picture.

savoycabbage Sun 03-Jul-11 13:48:24

Could you not have her stay in a hotel or similar and tell her that you don't want her to get no sleep.

I loved it when my mother came to stay with us when we had our first baby.

NorthLondonDoulas Sun 03-Jul-11 14:03:39

My mum was the same when i had my first and she again was the same when my brother and his wife had their first. I accepted her help and as much as it was great i was totally overwelmed with all the visitors and afterwards wished that i had had those first few days on my own with my new family.

You can still be polite but i think you should pluck up the courage to tell her, as its time that you will never get back again. Twist it around slightly so she feels that her help will invaluable to you, but explain that you and your husband do not want any one there for those first few days as you feel its important that you all get to bond on your own, but then you would absolutly love to have her help and support around you when your husband is back at work as thats when you would love to have her there the most.

If you put it across to her plainly but still affectionatly fingers crossed she will take the hint lol thats what my brother did and it worked a treat as my mum then felt even more special and important.

Good luck and i hope it works out for you.x

airhostess Sun 03-Jul-11 14:04:51

I've recently had the same conversation regarding the parents coming to stay for two weeks. Personally I'd go insane without the pressure of a new baby and lack of sleep. Just be honest,say it's not what you want,obviously fluff it up a little. Last week I spoke to them on what their exact plans are and they said they were coming for six days! I nearly gave birth! After a near arguement and strop from my mother we have narrowed it down to 3 nights/four days which for me is still too much but they live a couple of hundred of miles away,father has dementia so feel a little guilty and going with it.
P.s they are staying in a hotel!!!
Good luck and remember to put your new family first but you might have to compromise a little. Still in the back of my mind I think they might stay longer which will ANNOY me!

LawrieMarlow Sun 03-Jul-11 14:07:16

When I had both DC my mum came down for a week after DH had gone back to work. I found that worked really well - I was a bit apprehensive about it beforehand but she did all the house things and let me get on with looking after the newborn. And it meant I could have naps in the daytime and know that the house and baby were fine.

Adagoo Sun 03-Jul-11 14:11:17

Hi toria smile

You need to tell her that you want the first two weeks to be for you and DH, as he will be off work. Tell her that you would really appreciate her help at a later unspecified, nicely vague date when DH is back at work.

Then she won't get the arsehole when you do want her to help you, no bridges burned!

Pudding2be Sun 03-Jul-11 14:12:50

I had the same. My mum wasn't allowed out for ten days after she had me and had it in her head thats what happened still, so she would come and stay for the first ten days.

I tried to get around it by saying 'oh DP will be on pat leave for two weeks so I'll be fine'. She said oh I'll come after that (with my dad laughing as he'll get some peace and quiet smile)

To be honest I love her but she can drive me up the wall, and I know She will take over which will make me envy. plus then dp won't get a look in either, and I feel it's important for him to bond, especially as I plan to breastfeed.

What I did was leave it a couple of weeks and said to her (nicely) if I need her I will ask her and explained I need to learn myself and she was fine.

My mum and dad live 40 miles away, and he has already said it's pointless telling them when I'm going into labour, to let them know once baby is here, my mum worries about worrying, so there's no point in upsetting her.


Kitty5824 Sun 03-Jul-11 14:44:26

Could you maybe suggest she doesn't come and stay immeadiately and give youa few days as a unit?

I'm due 18th December, and Mum was always coming to stay for Christmas but she actually suggested that she'd just do her usual few day visit Xmas Eve - Boxing Day (and take care of the cooking etc bless her) and then take some leave in January when DH paternity leave finishes.

KatieWatie Sun 03-Jul-11 14:55:05

Hi there, I was in the exact same position.
My parents also live hundreds of miles away, and would have to stay. DH is taking a couple of weeks off and I was adamant it would be just the 3 of us for those weeks (apart from anything else I will be an emotional wreck and the entire house spare room will probably be a tip). They are of course really excited to meet their first grandchild and I want them to come and visit if they can, but have asked them to stay in a hotel if they intend to stop down here overnight. I said this very early in the pregnancy so there was no stress later on, and they are fine with it.

My mum is hoping to come down for 2 weeks once DH is back working, and then possibly a month when DH goes abroad, so I've made sure she knows how I will welcome and probably need her help then but there is no pressure. I don't want my parents to feel left out but I also hate the idea of having to get my boobs out in front of my dad and just generally be in a right state. I'm normally so composed in front of them!

Can you have a chat and explain that the time when you really will need her help is later on so you'd rather 'save' the favour? Stress the need part because I think mums like to feel needed. Find her a nice local hotel for the initial visit and tell her you've nowhere to put her up? My mum confessed to me that she would be totally mortified if I thought of her as pushing herself on me, and that she'd rather I was just honest so I have been, hopefully without being nasty or hurting feelings.

You need to be clear what your boundaries are because otherwise you'll end up feeling resentful and that the lovely special time you want to spend with your DH and DC (possibly the only time it will ever happen!) will be overtaken!

KatieWatie Sun 03-Jul-11 14:58:47

p.s. as others have advised, don't tell them when you go into labour! I won't be doing (in fact I won't be telling ANYONE except DH and the medical professionals). I'm pretty sure they would drop everything and rush down only to be waiting on the doorstep when we got home from the hospital, bless them but I can't think of anything worse...

Mum2be79 Sun 03-Jul-11 15:06:37

You need to tell your mum how you feel without been subtle, I'm afraid.

I'm pregnant with DC1 and my mum is allowed 'granny leave' (she works at Asda) and is planning on coming down. For me, it's a daunting experience and even though I've read up on all the books about caring for a newborn, I KNOW it will all be useless once he/she arrives. I'm talking from some sort of experience.

5 years ago I visited my brother and SIL whilst they were living in Gibraltar. SIL was due to give birth the day me and my husband were leaving (I work in education so couldn't stay) but my niece arrived mid-week during our stay. My brother and SIL REALLY needed our help those first few days - cleaning, cooking, taking the dogs for a walk, soothing the newborn when she cried non-stop so they could catch a few hours sleep - the list is endless.

I know you REALLY don't want her there, but try and negotiate. Your mum is probably talking from experience and doesn't want you to suffer the hardship she may have suffered. Paternity leave is all well and good but instead of one person facing the unknown 9whilst the other is at work) it's two!!!

nannyl Sun 03-Jul-11 15:21:25

I live 250miles away from my mum (and am 30 weeks pregnant)

She only wants to come for 1 week, but the deal is that she doesnt come until OH paternity leave finishes.
I think she plans to come for the day (maybe stay for 1 night) soon after the birth.... however due to her work it will have to be at a weekend, and the weekend after my due date is a family wedding that she cant / wont miss, so maybe it might not happen?

I understand that she wants to see her 1st grandchild, but have decided that staying for a week while OH on paternity leave is not an option!

iskra Sun 03-Jul-11 15:46:21

I live 3 hours away from my mum. She came down the day DD was born & it was brilliant. I had ummed & ahhhed about it & said that we wanted to have just us two there, so she arranged to stay with a friend who lives nearby. Fantastic. It freed Dp up to be with us while my mum cleaned, shopped & cooked. She was very good at being backward at coming forward & it was great to have her. She stayed for the first week, then come back for week 3 when dp went back.

This baby we will be living 30 mins away so it will be different!

NewMummy5July2011 Sun 03-Jul-11 18:12:40

I can totally relate - although unfortunately couldn't talk my mum (and dad) out of it. They do live in Canada though and I'm in the UK, so I guess the circumstances are a little different.

They are planning to arrive in just 3 weeks (I'm nearly 40 weeks now) but I'm terrified that baby will be really late and my DH and I will not have any time to ourselves.

I suppose I've come to terms with it as in reality they won't get to really see their grandchild grow up - or get to be here for all the milestones. So I figure I can give them this time and besides, they have promised to do things like cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc., rather than interfere. They are so excited - and I'd much rather have them excited than not to care. It will be tough having them stay, but it is only 2 weeks after all and they are going away for a few days inbetween to give us some space.

I'd still say if you can, try to get her to come a bit later, and if not, maybe compromise so she stays in a hotel for part of the time even? Definitely tell her how you feel - but at the same time remember how she feels too; she probably just wants to be involved and as supportive of you as possible.

nicolamumof3 Sun 03-Jul-11 19:19:00

you do need to tell her, expalin her help will be much better once dh goes back to work you will have much more of an understanding of the baby then and can have some peace while your mother takes baby out for walks or helps with housework. I'd love it personally! My mum used to come in alot after i had ds1 12yrs ago and would just take him for a walk after i'd fed him. I loved that hour to just totally chill, go for a bath, go tohairdressers etc. Or i could sleep she'd watch baby and cook etc. Was blissful really. But if she'd come just after i'd given birth and with dh off would have all been too much tbh.

JenniL1977 Sun 03-Jul-11 19:30:35

Hey Toria,
My mum's said the same thing; she lives 90 minutes away.
My mum's not one for subtle hints, so I've just had to tell her flat out that it's not happening. I don't think I can do it all and I don't think I know it all, but if I need her, I'll invite her down, not have her just land on us. My plan is to stay in bed for at least 3 days with our new DD with lots of skin to skin and getting feeding sorted. I can't see there being room for anyone but me and DH, tbh. And I don't want there to be!
Totally not telling anyone when I've gone into labour either (DH's step-mum is even more overbearing than my mum, and is all excited about the fact I'm having a homebirth and "wants to be there because she didn't get the chance with her own daughter." (step sister had emcs). My take on this is that it is not a fecking spectator sport!
You do what you need to for your own new family.

BrokenBananaTantrum Sun 03-Jul-11 19:30:59

If you really don't want her there you have to tell her. However when I had DD my mum came to stay for week and it was brilliant. It was very daunting coming home with a new baby and she was great. She never offers advice unless asks and just did most of the cooking and tidying / cleaning for us and didn't interfere at all. I had very difficult birth and was in a lot of pain when I came home. I found it comforting to have mum and DH there. You just don't know how you will be after the birth and you might find it nice to have her there. It all depends on how well you get on and what sort of relationship you have with her.

MamaLaMoo Sun 03-Jul-11 19:36:04

I had my mum stay for 7 days after I was released from hospital with DD1, the doctors actually advised me to have extra help as I have a condition that could have flared up badly after the birth.

It was immensely helpful, my mum is very practical and thoughtful and didn't intrude on DH and me having those first baby moments, we did her first bath together etc. But DH didn't have a clue about babies and I was knackered so we really needed the extra help with cooking and shopping. I am one of 4 so mum was very experienced with babies and it was reassuring to have someone to ask things. As it turned out I started having weird anxiety symptoms about the baby dying which freaked out DH, mum and concerned the midwife - you just can't tell what emotional or practical support you may need in advance.

My point is if you have a good relationship with your mum and she will not be more of a PITA than a help you should maybe consider that you are underestimating how helpful it would be. In almost every other culture on Earth new mothers have a lot of support for the first month or so from other women in their family and community. If you want the house to yourselves arrange for her to stay in a hotel/B+B or similar.

Reallea Sun 03-Jul-11 20:01:47

You really have to set it out so plain. My mum wanted to come for a week when DS was first born but I said I wasn't sure and would phone her and invite her when the time felt right. I thought I had been really clear but then when DH rang to tell her I was in labour FOR INFO she got in the car and came and we only had 20 minutes as a three before she arrived . She didn't leave us alone till DH asked her to give us an hour. I love my mum very much but I will never get that first time back again and I wish wish wish I'd picked up the phone from the delivery table and told her she'd got it wrong.

mopsytop Mon 04-Jul-11 09:20:09

My mum said she'd come over when the baby was born (we live in different countries) but I asked her could she come after my husband's paternity leave is over and, as our house is so tiny, if she'd mind staying in a hotel, as she had originally thought to stay with us. She agreed immediately, as I said I just thought it would stress me out having the house crowded, and the baby crying at night, and why should she have to get a bad night's sleep anyway. She agreed immediately, so maybe just ask your mum and explain it like that? I think it would be great to have her support after my husband goes back to work but before that I'd like it just to be us figuring it out together as a little family. I am sure if you explain and invite her to stay a bit later, she'll still feel involved and be excited.

tunnocksteacake Mon 04-Jul-11 09:53:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plupervert Mon 04-Jul-11 10:07:33

What about pointing out to ther that it will be a waste of DH's paternity leave if someone else is there? He needs to bond with the baby - and re-bond with you, too - which he won't be able to do if someone else is there, being all "competent" and making him feel imcompetent.

Men are notorious for backing off from responsibility if someone else is there and stepping in. Tell your mother that if he is sidelined at this stage, he will not be as ready to step in when she leaves again! It's all about sustainability!

cookie9 Mon 04-Jul-11 10:46:42

Similar here with parents in Scotland while I am down South expecting first dc. My mum has already come down to stay for a week as having difficult pregnancy so spoke to her about the birth. They are so keen to visit ASAP but I have explained that dh has paternity leave but their help would be fantastic once this ends. The suggestion at present is that they both come down during second week and stay in a hotel. Dad can fly back later and mum stay on in our small spare room when I am on my own. Dh is going to speak to his mum to explain the no visitors rule during the first week. I do feel bad for disappointing them but dh and I both agree we need time to bond and I want to get into a bit of a routine with breast feeding.

yummymango Mon 04-Jul-11 13:51:56

Toria, you sound like me! I am going through the exact same thing so i completely understand where you are coming from. I am due in September and my Mum from very early on declared she was coming down for two weeks when I had the baby to 'help'.
I have tried to tell her straight that I won't feel like having people staying in our very small flat as soon as I come out of hospital (she lives 250 miles away from us), and that I thought it was important for me & DP to work things out by ourselves for the first couple of weeks and bond as a family but maybe she could come down once DP had gone back to work. I also don't want DP to feel left out as he is so looking forward to being a hands-on dad. She implied that she understood but in the same breath said 'well, maybe you will change your mind', which left me very deflated as I really thought I was getting somewhere.

This has caused me quite a lot of stress during my pregancy as I am worried that we won't be able to come to an agreement and my sister says she is worried about how it will affect our relationship if we can't agree. It just really annoys me that rather than offer her help and leave it up to me whether to take it or not, it seems that she is far too worried about being 'left out' that to her it doesn't seem to matter what I want.

Anyway, I have been thinking that perhaps I will have to make a compromise here, maybe suggest she comes down for a couple of days when I have had the baby so she spend a bit of time with us but she stays elsewhere, i.e. with my sister, so at least we get some time to ourselves. And then we will see about her coming down later once DP has gone back to work. I am hoping this will be sufficient to reach an agreement.

Is there something similar you could suggest? Could she perhaps stay with friends or in a hotel for a couple of nights just so she gets to see the baby a little bit when she/he is first born like some of the other girls have suggested?

Really hope you manage to sort this one out! Let us know the outcome smile

yummymango Mon 04-Jul-11 13:53:15

pulpervert, that is a very good point and I think I may use that one if you don't mind!

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