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monster in law!!!

(24 Posts)
harrygraciepie Wed 29-Jun-11 13:47:22

MY MIL is a complete cow, my sister in law (her daughter) had a little girl 4 months before we (her son and I) had her first grandson and basically she doesnt give a sh*t about him, She sees the granddaughter every day and they take her out on daytrips but her stuff etc but doesnt make any effort to see my son, she even told family members the girl had walked earlier than our boy had (in fact my son was 10 months and the girl was 13months?)
Needless to say my hubby thinks I should just ignore her he thinks its weird of her to act this way and constantly talk about the granddaughter even to us and we argue about it EVERYDAY! Needless to say Im not looking forward to seeing how she reacts towards our new addition to be welcomed in January!

Coppernoddle Wed 29-Jun-11 13:59:37

Oh you poor thing!! She sounds horrible!! I don't know anyone who gets on really well with there mil! We have a right time with ours too!! We used to have the same arguments until one day she went ape shit at me and my husband finally took my side! But it shouldn't of come to that! Sometimes it's good to get it all out in the open! It sounds likeshehas a very strong bond with her daughter which is why she favours the grand daughter! I don't know what to advise! It horrible though!!

Crosshair Wed 29-Jun-11 14:03:01

Some parents have favourites, its just how it is. You cant do much to change how she behaves, so let her get on with it.

harrygraciepie Wed 29-Jun-11 14:07:53

Yeah I do and the worst thing is she is just so sneaky the looks and stuff and sometimes if we walk into her house and my hubby goes straight uostairs I go in and say hi and she just glares at me and completely ignores me lol. Id like to think she doesnt bother me but she does and she is awful, My OH confronted her and asked why she favours the girl and she said im being silly yet still took her for a day out to southport on sunday and then kept it secret from us cos out kids had been with us at home all day! sorry to go on but im beginning to think Im going MAD!

KaraJS Wed 29-Jun-11 14:37:09

Mines the same! Also hate the way she treats my oh, never a time goes by without her having a dig, also can't stand the way she's always telling me how to look after the baby, I have had children before and think I know better what he wants than her who only sees him for an hour ever couple of weeks! It's getting to the point where I don't even want to visit, also what winds me up is her always forgetting my other childrens brays, I think she could at least make the effort to buy them a card!

KaraJS Wed 29-Jun-11 14:38:37

Birthdays even!

CBear6 Wed 29-Jun-11 14:44:14

She sounds like my MIL. SIL got pregnant and was coming to see us with scan pictures, etc. Then I got pregnant but we didn't tell anyone because I'd had a mc a few months before. After MIL asked me, on Christmas Day no less, "wouldn't yours have been due around now?" we told them. SIL stopped sharing her pregnancy progress and MIL told everyone I'd gotten pregnant deliberately for attention. There are 9 weeks between the two of them but MIL never bothers with DS, as it stands she hasn't seen him since October - not even for Christmas or Easter. If she does decide to grace us with her presence again I'll be turning her away at the door, as far as I'm concerned she has no grandson from me. There are other issues but it's her treatment of DS that has sealed it.

It's sad but sometimes these things happen. What does your DP think of it all?

Pagwatch Wed 29-Jun-11 14:46:38

She sounds rude and insensitive.

But most of us will be mil. So I wouldn't assume they are all awful.

Crosshair Wed 29-Jun-11 14:54:55

Yeah I love visiting my inlaws, but they treat my like a daughter rather than someone who they have to put up with.

Its very sad that MIL's arnt all easy to get along with.

Mum2be79 Wed 29-Jun-11 17:46:36

I wouldn't even tell her about the new arrival in January and leave it until it becomes obvious and then if she asks say, "Well since you have such little interest in your grandson, I didn't think you'd be bothered about another grandchild". If she probes and says you are being ridiculous, ask her why she takes her grand-daughter out but not her grandson. Sometimes people need to be put on the spot.

Seriously though, maybe you and your husband need to think about giving her the cold treatment. Stop visiting and phoning and let her come to you. If she rings and plans to visit just leave her hanging and tell her you'd have to check your diary. Some MIL's will probably get a kick out of upsetting their DIL, especially if they weren't keen on them beforehand.

She'll need you before you need her.

MsChanandlerBong Wed 29-Jun-11 17:57:16

Rather than game-playing can't you just sit down with her (you, DH and MIL) and put your cards on the table about how you feel, and how you feel she is towards your DS? If you do this in a calm, rational way (hard I know) perhaps she will open up and it might even be that something is upsetting her that you don't even know about.

My Mum was upset with the way her mother was treating me (and my siblings) which resulted in a fall out. I subsequently haven't seen my grandparents since I was 12. So I grew up without grandparents and didn't get to see my grandfather before he passed away.

So although your MIL treating your DS badly is horrendous, I don't think using power games that will probably end up in a fall out should be your next course of action. I would strongly urge you to try and get to the bottom of it quickly and openly.

Of course, if she continues to be horrible, irrational and rude, then sadly you (and your DS) might be better off without her in your life. (BTW I have turned out alright even though I didn't have grandparents... I just wish my mother had tried harder to make the relationship work!!)

Pagwatch Wed 29-Jun-11 18:39:14

Don't play games with your childrens relationship with their grandchildren.

If a breech were to occur that would be sad. But giving your Childs grandparent the cold shoulder as a tit for tat bitch fest is not terribly productive.

My dcs haven't seen their grandparents for a long time and it is they who have suffered - not my ills and not us.
Bloody childish

curlyeve Wed 29-Jun-11 18:57:45

That sounds horrible. my grandparents on my dads side did the same to my mum. my dads sisters kids got everything. the one thing I wished was that I was closer to my grandparents so having a chat with her and maybe asking when shes going to take your DS on a trip next might be good. not really sure you an change people unfortunately

PhyllisDiller Wed 29-Jun-11 21:51:04

We don’t see DH’s maternal side of the family anymore. It’s good, I’m too busy to faff about playing mind games etc.

If ‘friends’ treat us badly and were rude we’d avoid them, I’ve started using the same rule for family. Actually this protects my DC’s, they don’t need to see the unfairness of gifts or hear silly comments. DH and I are much more relaxed, we receive an invite to something we think will be horrendous and don’t go. Job done.

I used to wonder how people could be like I am being, but after lots of angst it seems the best way forward.

CBear6 Wed 29-Jun-11 22:18:48

That's my philosophy Phyllis - we wouldn't tolerate it from friends (or even strangers) so why tolerate it from family? We had other issues with MIL/SIL that are far too numerous to list but include her going table to table at our wedding telling everyone what a bitch I am and how the nice girl routine is an act (my mum and aunt ended up inviting her outside), SIL booking her wedding for my due date with DS so I'd look like a fat, miserable frump (backfired on her - I went into labour and missed it entirely), she threatened me and told me to watch my back when I was four months pregnant (my crime? I asked how come she hadn't seen DS for six weeks), when I lost the pregnancy to mmc she told all of the guests at DN's 1st birthday party and said I needed to talk about it so I was bombarded with inappropriate questions, and other far more horrible things. They've never liked me, for no reason whatsoever, but I've made nice for years and turned the other cheek and stopped DH from saying anything because the first time he did say something they twisted it back onto me and my unhealthy influence over him. DS has been second best since he was born, and constantly compared to his cousin but never in a favourable way. She would she was ill and couldn't see DS that day but then we would find out afterwards that she had taken DN out for the day. She didn't see him at all for his first Christmas (she went 9wks without seeing him as she was "too busy" but held a special party for DN and his first Christmas Eve), didn't even acknowledge him at his own Christening, and doesn't even tell people he exists (I've lost count of the number of times we've bumped into friends of hers and they're always shocked we even have a child "because I just saw her the other day and she was telling me all about DN but she's never mentioned this little one"). She last saw DS on 30th October and hasn't bothered with him since. I'm pregnant again and we have yet to tell her.

We didn't make the decision lightly and I would always advocate putting the children and their relationship with their grandparents ahead of any issues between MIL and DIL however some people don't deserve the title of grandparent.

I agree with advice that you should sit down with your MIL and tell her, go over your issues in a calm way and give he opportunity to change. If she doesn't change or refuses to change then look at what your next step could be. Don't engage in mind games or tit for tat but do know your limits and make it clear what is/isn't acceptable.

Eviepoo Wed 29-Jun-11 22:46:52

this bit that CBear6 I completly agree with

I agree with advice that you should sit down with your MIL and tell her, go over your issues in a calm way and give he opportunity to change. If she doesn't change or refuses to change then look at what your next step could be. Don't engage in mind games or tit for tat but do know your limits and make it clear what is/isn't acceptable.

I am also now counting my blessings - my MIL and SIL are completely lovely, treat me with kindness and respect. And besides my MIL brought up my DH and he's a good catch smile

I have more problems with my mum and her drama queen and emotional blackmail antics, although I have learnt over the years how to deal with this and not fall out with her at the same time - I guess you can say I recognise the signs and can manage our relationship accordingly - I wish my wee sister could do the same, but she is as firey as mum smile

It's different when it's your own mum though.

I suggest that you and DH discuss it before you discuss with MIL - so you KNOW you are on the same page and you go in to the conversation knowing you two agree 100%

PoppysMom Thu 30-Jun-11 04:21:03

Oh dear, how sad sad

My MIL is the sweetest person I could have hoped for. She treats me like a daughter and I feel very close to her and can talk about anything I want.

My Mum however....totally different storry. She dislikes my DH and even went as far as telling me not to "dare say yes if he proposes". It is a bad situation to be in and I feel very sorry for my DH. There is also a language barrier between him and her, but my Mum does speak English, so could bother.

3 weeks ago I finally pushed back, because she kept moaning about my DH not liking the names she suggests and in general (once again) how horrible he is and that I made the wrong decision in ever going out with him, let alone marrying, etc.

Since I pushed back and told her (very nicely) that we would not be announcing DD's name until after she is born, I haven't heard from her!

To be honest, I don't mind too much. My BP has been better and I am less stressed.

I have my anomaly scan today, so will email her after, but that is it.
I am fortunate in that I have a very supportive DH who doesn't get fussed by her at all. He hates it when she brings me down and has previously reduced me to tears in front of him!!

Anyway, what I am trying to say is try to not let it get to you and if you can't speak to your DH and see what you come up with together.

Good luck!

SlightlyScrambled Thu 30-Jun-11 09:14:51

I feel so sorry for your DH. It must be hard for him having a mother who shows such little interest in his child.

I would say that you shouldn't argue with him over his mother's bad behaviour. She is a grown woman and her decisions are her own. Accepting that she is a selfish nutter might be easier to help you get on with your life. She would probably be delighted to know that she is causing strife in your relationship.

babyonbord Thu 30-Jun-11 12:06:06

I have a son with my ex and his mother is completly insane. We had a difficult break up, i left him to be with someone else and while we were going through a court case with regards to care of my son (i wanted it to be shared he didn't) she tried everything to make it difficult. At one point she actually took him to the doctors with diahorrea and made up a lie saying the doctor had said that it was basically my fault and i was neglecting him and that the doctor would contact social services if i had any further contact with my son - que 3 weeks without seeing my son before my solicitor got a letter from the doctor saying that this was absolute rubbish and he had said no such thing. She even gets my son to call her mama. There have been other things, she even tried slagging me off to my dh while we were in a and e with my son. But it's easier just to let it go let them behave like 3 year olds they aren't that important, my son does call me mama and as he gets older i'm guessing he's going to prefer being with me to his crazy grandma. My new mil is the opposite she is lovely, she takes me to the hospital when my dh can't get time off work, she came to our second scan with us and is going to be at the birth so it's not all mils who are horrible there are nice ones out there

YBR Thu 30-Jun-11 15:18:42

Babyonboard seconded!
If anyone's going to be a pain it'll be my mum not the MiL (although not the extent of those mentioned above).
She's lovely, always willing to help and currently asking what I'd like her to knit in in what colours!

I get the impression that that granparents have no rights wrt their grandchildren, so if life is difficult with them consider disowning them and perhaps find a nice old lady to adopt instead!

bmm39 Thu 30-Jun-11 15:57:27

It's my Sister in Law that's my problem, grrrrr!! Serious issues, I could write a book about her. She has been jealous of me from day one and all she ever does is try and cause trouble and break up the family. I have now learnt to be extra nice to her because that pisses her off even more smile An actor can't act without an audience.

babyonbord Thu 30-Jun-11 16:39:33

exactly bmm39 i know its much easier said than done but rise above it at the end of the day if they want a relationship with your children they are going to have to go through you. I wonder whether it is jealousy, after all they have had their children and they are now grown up they are maybe a little envious.

caramelcoffeelover Thu 30-Jun-11 17:09:10

Hi, I would rise above it, let her do whatever she wants. You have got to think about your family and not add any unnecessary stress now that you are pregnant again. I wouldn't bend your DP's ear about this issue either, he can't and won't do anything about it, men hate confrontation and quicker you get over it the better. I mean it in the best possible way.

ninipops Thu 30-Jun-11 21:23:01

I had huge issues with my IL's which basically came down to a total lack of communication on their part. DH is an only child so we don't have the same problems re favouritism (sp?) that you have OP however we did have a couple of times where they said they would 'walk away'. They were under the belief that they were causing so much strife for us that this would be the only way that our relationship could be saved - in actual fact DH and I were on the same page about how they were behaving and there was no strife between us. Since then though I do not engage with them at all. If they want to see DD they can, I will never get in the way of that relationship but neither I nor DH will ask them to babysit or invite them round. If they offer or suggest doing something that is fine and I will be civil but as far as I am concerned they are my DD's grandparents and nothing to me.

While I know her behaviour is not fair on your DS it may be easier for you to try and distance yourself from the situation. I know its not easy though especially if there are extended family issues.

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