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Is there anyone else out there petrified of having another baby?

(14 Posts)
berri Mon 27-Jun-11 14:32:44

I don't think there is, just me!

I have a 2.5 year old lovely little boy, and naturally everyone I have met since then is now on their second child, or pregnancy, or are ttc.

I think it is just me who feels terrified of doing it all again, and I'm starting to wonder why I don't feel ready again yet.

DS was born at 31 weeks, so although it was a bit scary, he was fine and it wasn't a terrible experience or anything.

While I was in labour though, I found it so painful that I remember drumming it into myself that whatever happened I should never get pregnant again, and I think it worked!

I thought by now that a second bout of broodiness would have kicked in, but all I feel is fear - of labour, of dealing with 2 children, and also a massive fear of having something go wrong during the pregnancy or labour, and wondering whether I could cope with a baby with special needs should this happen.

I kind of feel like we 'pushed our luck' with DS as he was born early but with no ill-effects from this, and I also had a miscarriage at 12 weeks with my first pregnancy.

It's not helping that everyone I know (and funnily enough people I don't!!) are just telling me to get on with it, and I'll get used to it once I'm pregnant!

Sorry for the long ramble, I'd appreciate any views.

Africagirl1 Mon 27-Jun-11 14:51:26

Hi. I also had DS early (34 weeks). DH was dead against having another, and I was terrified too (but stubbornly insisted on trying). After a year of trying I fell pregnant and TOTALLY freaked out. I was even considering termination but in the end it turned out to be a blighted ovum. The shock of it all forced DH and I to sit down and really talk things through. We decided to wait a bit and I am now 22 weeks pregnant. There will be a 4-year age gap which I feel I will be able to cope with better. Don't feel rushed or pressured into having another until you decide it's what you really want - you will know when it's the right time for your family. Hope this helps.

KaraJS Mon 27-Jun-11 14:52:48

My last baby was born 3 months ago at 32 weeks, I worry that having another might mean an even earlier birth, I don't think you should worry about everyone else having another and you not feeling ready yet, I have 3 children and have 8 years between each one, in a years time you could feel differently

berri Mon 27-Jun-11 14:56:31

Thanks for your replies. I think the strange thing is that now I've got one child, the advice seems to be to just go for it, even if you're not ready, as the age-gap being on the smaller side is more important than not being ready!

I find this a bit odd, as if you were thinking of becoming pregnant for the first time and mentioned that you weren't ready, nobody would say "oh just get on with it, it'll be fine"....

I'm definitely coming back but got to nip out for an hour or two - so please don't think I've gone.

Millie26 Mon 27-Jun-11 14:57:41

Hi, it was really refreshing to read this!

You are definitely not the only one. It's hard when so many other people are going for it.

I'm about 8 weeks pregnant and have a 2 yr old too. We started ttc after we got married....8 weeks ago...

With DD1 I had a crap labour, c section and found the first year quite tough. I'd just got really confident with everything, perfect weight, started running loads, starting married life etc and I sit around wishing I hadnt got pregnant so quickly and we'd left it for another few months at least, I just don't feel ready. I know how terrible that sounds.

Like you, I feel terrified of having another one. I feel like we 'got away' with a healthy DD1 and why would I want to risk it again? I wrote in my pregnancy diary when I was in hospital "NEVER DO THIS AGAIN" haha

Anyway, sorry this isnt very helpful, but basically I've decided to go and talk to a pedeatrician about my notes so they can explain what happened with DD1 and to talk to my GP about feeling scared. It's really natural to feel this way, don't worry, and if you can talk about your fears in lots of detail they will become much easier to grapple with and you might even decide you don't feel that way anymore.

Your complicated history will mean that you will be frequently scanned and looked after so well you may feel super confident the next time round, if you decide to go for it.

It's not compulsory to have your next one now. Some of my friends have decided to only have one and others are waiting for a bigger age gap so the youngest is in pre school etc. and it might be easier to cope.

What does your other half think?

KaraJS Mon 27-Jun-11 15:05:59

I know what you mean, people always say to me why would you want to start again after all this time well because that's how I chose to do it! I think there are pros and cons to both large and small age gaps, I've had more one on one time with each of my babies as the others are at school in the day , but on the other hand it might have been nice for them to have been closer togeather so they had someone to play with, people are already asking when I'll have another! Come on! He's 15 weeks old, I'm just wondering when my next full nights sleep will be!

RufousBartleby Mon 27-Jun-11 15:14:31

Aside from your birth experience (mine was late and traumatic) I'm wondering if you could be me!? This is exactly how I feel. Really lucky to have DS but found it so hard and wonder how I would cope with another especially if it wasn't straight forward, the baby had problems and therefore it was even tougher. Also scared by the thought of a c-section. The more time passes the more I feel anxious about it rather than more ready to go for it! I'm wondering whether this feeling will pass, whether just to get on with it, or to have a longer gap?

AussieGirl78 Mon 27-Jun-11 15:17:54

Have a second one when you're ready and sod everyone else

My eldest is 21 months old and my labour experience was horrific and I was not broody at all
However I found out I was pregnant again when DS was 2 months old!
I was terrified but we figured it was meant to be as I had to have surgery to remove a cyst when 9 weeks pregnant which was a big miscarriage risk
However bub made it through and now I have 2 under 2
DP banned me from watching 'one born every minute' as I'd be clutching my belly and sobbing in fear of going through labour again

If it helps labour for me was much easier the second time around
First time I had every form of pain relief and stitches for an 8'4 baby and 3 hours pushing
Second time 20 minutes pushing with only gas/air, no stitches and a 9'8 baby

It was really hard at first and we still have our bad days but it is achievable

Ours were happy accidents and to be honest I dont know if I could have planned the second one after the first experience but do what is right for you and your family

I reckon a positive thing of a bigger age gap would be your first helping you with bub grin

KaraJS Mon 27-Jun-11 15:51:39

That's true mine are 16 and 8 and both love feeding and holding the baby, also because they are older and more independent it makes getting ready in the morning easier!

m1nn1em0u5e Mon 27-Jun-11 16:25:19

I was the same, & have 4 yrs 4 months between my children & am now expecting again & will have a 9 year & almost 5 year gap between my eldest two & the new baby. I wasnt ready before then & felt like I couldnt have them close together. Its each to their own really, however I have really enjoyed having one in school & one at home & will have 2 in school & one at home come February. I feel like I can give each child a little more attention with a slightly larger age gap.

BellasYummyMummy Mon 27-Jun-11 16:39:16

You just need to do what feels right to you, and not go with what everyone else says.
I had a MMC at 12 weeks, followed by a successful pregnancy resulting in my first daughter. I found the labour very hard and painful, ended up with episiotomy and ventouse. So when we fell pregnant again (after another MC!) I was terrified of the birth, though i tried not thinking about it until it actually happened. It was a much faster birth and I didnt have any pain relief (mainly because I didnt get to the hospital in time). I remember when I was actually having my second daughter that I could never ever do that again.
Now I am pregnant with my third, and the thought of birth terrifies me, but again I wont think about it until the time comes. Also, I know that I can do it as I have two daughters already. Plus it;s only such a small fraction of time in the scheme of things. I often think we are pushing our luck having two healthy children already, and we went through so many years of upset to get to where we are and do worry that something might go wrong (I think it's only natural to worry) but I am going to enjoy every day as it comes.
I think when you're ready youll know what to do, it doesnt matter what the age gap is. My husband is 9 years younger than his brother and they are so close.

berri Mon 27-Jun-11 19:32:18

Thanks so much for all your replies - I am going to read through them properly tomorrow, having a bit of an unexpected house emergency this evening! I can't believe how many people feel the same, I feel better already smile

Mum2be79 Mon 27-Jun-11 20:09:57

My boss told me every pregnancy and labour is different. She had a horrendous time giving birth to her DD 7 years ago. She needed an assisted delivery. When she had her DS 4 years ago, the birth was so much easier and not as painful as the first.

Try not to let your worries cloud your wishes. if in doubt, talk to your MW/consultant. I'm sure they'll be able to put things in place to ensure a safe delivery.

wearenotinkansas Mon 27-Jun-11 20:33:06

I didn't even want to think about it until DD was 3. Partly because I was too tired before - and also I wanted DD to get a chance to develop into being her own person.

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