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pregnant but really unsure whether to keep it or not

(30 Posts)
toadmum Wed 22-Jun-11 12:35:21

Hi,
I am about 8 weeks preganant - my partner and I are happy about it but he is probably more than me at this stage. A few things are pushing me to not have the baby:
1. My partners brother and sis-in-law have been trying to have a baby for a while and have had to settle for IVF later this year - so I feel very in sensitive to tell them we are expecting. Though my partner says we can't just wait for them, they could sadly be trying for a while or even dare I say be unsuccessful.
2. My contract at work ends in October so I will no maternity pay or job to go back to - which scares me although I've always said if I had kids and we could afford it I would stay at home
3. I've always thought we'd be married before kids and recently everyone has been telling me to get married first as its much easier!!! I know this is an old fashioned way to think and it shouldn't really matter but it seems to to me.

Not sure whether I'm worrying about everyone else more than me, the dad and the baby. BYW I'm 29 so as my partner says it would happen in the next few years anyway - why not know.

Any advice or views from people who are the same position or were would be great. Sorry to all those people who think I am sounding so negative and ungrateful.

Thanks

TeacupTempest Wed 22-Jun-11 12:41:43

Sorry you are in a difficult situation but would it not be more insensitive to your SIL if you have an abortion.....when they are so desperate. I don't think anyone else situation should be a factor when considering whether you should continue with a pregnancy.

mistressploppy Wed 22-Jun-11 12:48:31

Only you can decide but none of your worries strike me as obvious deal-breakers.

1. Totally agree with Teacup - it will be hard on your SIL but the alternative is worse. And she will have to see many people go on to have babies, it will be tough for her but the world can't stop sad
2. Work is a tricky one but it COULD work out very well if you can afford to stop anyway.
3. Marriage first? Meh, but it depends on YOUR views and your DPs. I don't think anyone bats an eyelid these days. Why would it be easier?

TBH I sometimes think there's NEVER a 'right' time to have a baby. There's always another holiday you want to go on, or more money to save or something. Sometimes its hard to accept that you can't plan everything to happen just when you want it to smile

Good luck

Ephiny Wed 22-Jun-11 12:48:58

I definitely don't think your brother and SILs problems should impact on your decision - surely they wouldn't want you to have a termination because of them!

As for the work and financial situation - that's for you and your partner to talk through I guess, and try and figure out if/how you could manage. If you think you want children in the next few years anyway, then think about what you expect to change in those next few years, why would then be better than now?

If you're only 8 weeks, you still have time to get married before the baby comes if it's really important to you!

Aloha31 Wed 22-Jun-11 12:49:39

Everything has a knack of sorting itself out, I was unemployed and thought I would be married first. Everything slowly fell into place and I wish I hadnt worried! Sounds like you are just coming to terms with being pregnant, huge shock to the system even for those who plan it.

Take care of yourself.

CBear6 Wed 22-Jun-11 12:50:20

Agree with Teacup, you have to do what's best for you and not think about anyone else's situation.

Take your sister out of the equation and work and being unmarried, and ask yourself very simply "do I want this baby?". You should speak to your GP or Family Planning clinic as they have counselling services available to help you sort through your feelings and reach a decision, they're not going to judge but the sooner you contact them the better as time is an issue in your decision - if you go ahead with the pregnancy you need to arrange ante-natal care, if you end it then sooner is better than later.

GwendolineMaryLacey Wed 22-Jun-11 12:51:57

TBH, and I appreciate that I am not you, your reasons aren't reasons, they are excuses. None of them are a big deal in the slightest. mistressploppy has explained what I mean far better but I agree totally with her. It reads like you're looking for excuses not to go ahead, which is obviously your perogative. smile

Good luck from me too.

kri5ty Wed 22-Jun-11 12:52:30

hi hun

Its a horrible situation to be in with your sis in law, i know as my friend is on her 5th try sad but if you chose to not go ahead with the pregnancy because of this you may live to regret it, also i they may feel worse if you got rid of it, as they would give anything for that chance....

As for your job, i think you will still qualify for stat maternity pay look on the government website for more details... also as you will be out of work, its worth looking at the benefits calculator to see what you would be able to claim once baby is born ie child tax credits etc etc
I know its scary thinking about not having a job to go back to, but at the same time you will have so much time to be at home with the baby, and may not even want to work! I think surestart centres can also help you back in to work/training? And you could always traint o become a childminder part time for a bit of extra cash (this is what i want to do so i can still spend time with my child as they grow up)

As for marriage... i was the same, but i fell pregnant, and now i see it in a diff light... people do not judge anymore, the baby will have its dads name, and i know one day i will be married so we will all have the family name... and i like the idea of my child being involved in the wedding... kind of like a celebration of our family life together grin

GwendolineMaryLacey Wed 22-Jun-11 12:52:38

Oh that sounds really harsh and that's not what I mean! <slinks off>

WhipMeIndiana Wed 22-Jun-11 12:53:38

your partner sounds positive, would you have married him fairly soon anyway?
sometimes it just happens; take care of yourself whatever you decide

WhipMeIndiana Wed 22-Jun-11 12:54:58

well said, aloha it is a big shock!!

CBear6 Wed 22-Jun-11 12:57:07

On marriage, my parents weren't married when I was born and that was back in the early 80s. They didn't get married until I was almost 9 and they ha two other children by that point, only my youngest brother has been born since they got wed. They've been together 31 years and still going strong. DH's parents were married when he was born and were divorced by the time he was three.

Marriage is no guarantee of anything, it's the strength of your relationship that matters and you can always get married at a later date.

G1nger Wed 22-Jun-11 13:01:51

1. I don't think this is in any way a reason to abort your own.
2. I'm in the same situation. My partner and I accepted that we would need to make do without my salary contribution in advance of us trying. Okay, so it made it easier that he purposefully went and got himself a big pay rise, but you also say you can afford to be in the position you'll be. And I also know the ridiculous mindset that made me think I was 'stupid' to get pregnant (even though I'd been trying for months!) since I started a new job at around the same time and would need to tell them soon. I remember thinking 'I wish all of this would just go away', but it was fine once I told work. I just didn't like the uncertainty of what would happen when I told them.
3. So get married. Even if inexpensively. You're only 8 weeks pregnant - you could get married next month if you wanted to.

and my question to you is also this: do you want this baby? I think you do, and I think you're posting this because you want us all to say it'll be alright. And it really will.

toadmum Wed 22-Jun-11 13:01:57

Thanks for all your very quick pieces of advice - really helpful and positive (think thats what I need at the mo so big thanks). My SIL has already said she would be happy for me but I would just feel awkward telling her - bless her. She has said to tell her first before my mother in Law so she can prepare herself for people asking why they are having a child after us! However she is such a positive and bubbly person I think she would just by happy for me and not really think about her situation too much.
I also agree that things happen for a reason and things will slot into place.

I am amazed at how excited and supportive my partner is - but this is giving me more of a reason to keep it as I know he will be great.

Thanks again and I will update when I know more or need more advice!!!
xxx

maxbear Wed 22-Jun-11 13:08:24

How can you consider terminating a pregnancy that you say you and your partner are happy about? hmm

It is scary when you first get pregnant and I think everyone feels 'what have I done' to some exent.

If you terminate the pregnancy then you might always regret it and if you go on to have children in the future it might well make the pregnancies more difficult to cope with emotionally (esp if with the same partner)

Terminating the pregnancy won't help your sister in law get pregnant I'm sure she'd be mortified if she knew that you were considering a termination.

If you feel you should be married, then get married, there isn't any reason you can't do it when you are pregnant.

best wishes with your pregnancy smile

SpringchickenGoldBrass Wed 22-Jun-11 13:11:20

Sounds like you are happy about it really and just having the perfectly understandable 'OMG' moment.
Having read your update, can I just jump in and say' Congratulations'?

mistressploppy Wed 22-Jun-11 13:15:23

Yes, congrats OP! Your partner sounds lovely by the way smile

kri5ty Wed 22-Jun-11 13:16:58

here here springchicken and congratulations toadmum smile

Awomancalledhorse Wed 22-Jun-11 13:21:29

toadmum, you can get married for £80. If it's that important to you to get married before kids, why no do it on the cheap & then a few years down the line have a big expensive renewal? I know of a few people who have done this.

I'm not a big wedding person, but like you, wanted to be married before I had kids, we got married last year & it cost us £2000 (£800 of that was a suit for husband)!
congratulations on the pregnancy! x

toddlerama Wed 22-Jun-11 13:29:16

I second the congratulations! It's always a shock (even when you're trying), but none of the reasons you've given are really reasons not to go ahead. Let the shock wear off a little - people have children in all kinds of circumstances. There's no 'perfect' formula. Why not get married whilst you're pregnant if it really bothers you? You could do it before you tell people if you feel weird about it.

toddlerama Wed 22-Jun-11 13:29:50

x-posts with awomancalledhorse

Mumwithadragontattoo Wed 22-Jun-11 13:32:21

1. This is a non-point. Your sister would surely be more upset if she thought you had terminated because of their situation. It will be hard for her at first but I'm sure she'll be chuffed to be an aunty when the initial shock (and jealousy) wears off.
2. Is unfortunate timing but statutory mat pay is no great shakes anyway. I think would be odd to have an abortion in the context of a few weeks loss of pay. No reason for you not to look for another job after baby is born (unless you and your DP decide would be better for you not to work). If you really can't afford it fair enough but I wouldn't worry about this if you could afford it but would have been nicer to have mat pay etc.
3. If you want to get married before baby arrives then just do it (doesn't have to be a big deal). Am pro marriage but in this day and age it doesn't matter exactly which came first etc. If you want a big party do that on baby's 1st birthday or something.

I am pro-choice but none or these reasons really seems like a strong one for having an abortion. I reckon it's just normal early pg jitters.

Good luck.

recklesspixie Wed 22-Jun-11 13:56:13

Sorry but I think they are ridiculous reasons not to have a baby. You mightn't concieve so easily or at all, the next time.

Crosshair Wed 22-Jun-11 15:01:51

Congratulations!

I was 4 when my parents got married. Its nice to have photo's of us all together on their big day.

shellmc Wed 22-Jun-11 16:00:06

There not really reasons are they??

You have said that you are both happy about the pregnancy, and especially your other half more so. If you were to terminate that could lead to problems with your relationship. As others have said, by terminating the baby is not going to make any difference to your SIL situation. Of course your going to feel a bit bad telling her but im sure she will be happy for you!!!

It wll be a shock to you at first, but you will soon love the excitment there is to come with a little one, i personally couldnt see myself without my DS.

Have a good think about it, its your choice but i think those reasons arnt really reasons.

Congratulations by the way xxx smile

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