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'Ooh it's going to be so hard, you have no idea!'

(109 Posts)
spatchcock Tue 21-Jun-11 12:16:48

Any new parents-to-be fed up to the back teeth of hearing this?

My in laws came to stay over the weekend and all I heard was 'been out with friends? oooh, make the most of it, your freedom is going to disappear!' 'Slept in? ooh, you'll be in for a shock soon!' 'long day? oooh, you don't know what long days are!' Accompanied by lots of smug 'you'll see' looks.

Also getting this from a few friends/colleagues who don't even have children!

Yes thanks, it's going to be difficult but there's no point crying and wringing my hands about it now!

Am tempted to come up with a witty (bitter) reply.

for in laws - "Oooh, you're getting on a bit now - you're going to struggle getting up the stairs soon! And death is just around the corner!"

friends - "Oooh, you'd better think about procreating yourself otherwise it'll be too late!"

(Don't worry, will keep the bitter comments to myself...)

Renaissance227 Tue 21-Jun-11 12:19:59

I get exactly the same thing and I hate it.

Journey Tue 21-Jun-11 12:21:13

But the reality is your freedom will disappear. You won't get lie ins and your days, and don't forget the nights, will be long!

trixymalixy Tue 21-Jun-11 12:23:07

Erm, they're right!! Sorry!!

Friends of ours lambasted us for not telling them quite how hard it was going to be. We thought we had!! They were finding it far harder than the impression we had given them!!

Bartimaeus Tue 21-Jun-11 12:24:39

I get this, it's awful. What are you supposed to say?
"Now you've told me that, I'll stop doing anything before the birth that I can't do after"?
Or
"Damn I didn't think my life would change at all - better send the baby back then"?

Agreed the worst is when its friends/colleagues who don't have children. They all seem to be experts on pregnancy, childbirth and looking after babies. And feel the need to impart their wonderful knowledge with me. Daily.

<Can't wait to go on maternity leave!!!>

kreecherlivesupstairs Tue 21-Jun-11 12:25:24

They are right. I remember telling anyone who would listen that when our DD arrived, she would fit in with our plans. Our lives weren't going to change, we'd still do spontaneous stuff etc.
What an eye opener her arrival was.

spatchcock Tue 21-Jun-11 12:27:21

Kreecher and trixy -

yes OF COURSE they are right, but what are we supposed to do?! We are not denying it's going to be hard. What's the point in going on and on about it?!

Bartimaeus Tue 21-Jun-11 12:28:48

trixy But what difference does it make knowing that before? Do people really think you wouldn't have gotten pregnant if only you'd be told how hard it would be?

Hard is all relative - some babies are easier than others. Ditto for toddlers. Ditto for teenagers.

I'm approaching parenthood telling myself it'll be very hard, but I also know that right now, at 25 weeks pregnant, I have NO idea how it'll be. You have to experience it to know. And one parent's experience will not be the same as another's.

spatchcock Tue 21-Jun-11 12:29:24

Hear hear, Bart!

Riddzy Tue 21-Jun-11 12:31:01

trixy - why on earth were you 'lambasted'? Surely their decision to become parents didn't rest on your experience!

lostinindia Tue 21-Jun-11 12:32:44

ha hahaha I remember getting this and being annoyed by it too. More annoying thing was they were right and I thought they'd just been exaggerating.

Sleep now and enjoy it. Be spontaneous. Go for meals out. Head out for last orders just because you can. And just grab your coat and keys and run out the house on a whim, for no reason.

It's not doom and gloom we have a fab time. We used to be night owls, now our days are jam packed instead and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Riddzy Tue 21-Jun-11 12:33:15

And yes, it's really boring hearing this all the time.

My MIL said 'you have no idea what it will be like! you can't learn it from books!' ...or presumably from people like you telling you how hard it will be?! Thanks for the vague sense of doom, very constructive.

lostinindia Tue 21-Jun-11 12:33:42

Oh btw you can have lie ins but not as a couple - take turns.

nickelbabe Tue 21-Jun-11 12:34:53

I don't think it's necessary to "warn" pregnant people that their life will change beyond recognition.

well, it might be, but not in such a negative way!

What would be nice, is offers of help and support (but not unsolicited and dangerous advice hmm )

I'm getting lots of people telling me what should be happening to me right at this moment in my pregnancy. Great, thansk for the info, but if everyone's telling me that I should be feeling flutters, and I'm not, it just serves to panic me, doesn't it? Oh, I'm not feeling the flutters I should be feeling, does that mean the baby's okay, or should I be running to my midwife?

See, it can be dangerous, especially for a first-timer.

kickingking Tue 21-Jun-11 12:36:03

In my experience, it was all rubbish.

Was blessed with a happy, easy going baby who slept and smiled all day. Maternity leave felt like I was on six month holiday. Seriously. Much, much easier than being heavily pregnant.

Now, working f/t with a four year old...that's another matter ;)

Seriously, ignore them. It's not like that for everyone, and even if it - there are still positives. They are babies for such a short space of time.

WorrisomeHeart Tue 21-Jun-11 12:37:26

I can kind of see both sides of the argument here. Before I had DS 8mths I had exactly the same from everyone around me and got so annoyed by it - I always wanted to retort 'no kidding, I thought it was just going to be a year long holiday'. I felt it very patronising tbh. However, now DS is here I catch myself doing it all the time. But it's not meant to be patronising or as a warning, more of a kind of 'welcome to the madhouse' kinship type of comment! Hope that makes sense. Suffice to say, they won't stop and I'd vet any amount of money you'll do it too! (oh and do make the most of the lie-ins now, I regret not taking that advice!!) grin

lostinindia Tue 21-Jun-11 12:37:40

The other thing that annoyed me was when I found the early baby stage easy friends seemed disappointed that I'd somehow let the sisterhood down by not struggling. So they then changed tack and said oh it gets worse you just wait. Hardest bit for me has been juggling a 2yr old and newborn but it's getting easier.

mistressploppy Tue 21-Jun-11 12:38:41

This got on my tits too. I've had one now (baby) and life does change but it's never like you expect, no matter how much people 'warn' you.

And it's not THAT bad anyway

nickelbabe Tue 21-Jun-11 12:39:26

Worris - that's fine if it's welcome to the club grin, but comments like that from people who haven't had kids, like in the OP, are just unfair.

lostinindia Tue 21-Jun-11 12:40:36

Worrisomeheart - 1st maternity leave did indeed feel like a holiday. Bliss.

WorrisomeHeart Tue 21-Jun-11 12:43:36

Nickel - completely agree re comments from non-parents!!!

spatchcock Tue 21-Jun-11 12:45:01

No way will I say the same to others! How patronising. I figure most people I know are clued up enough to figure it out without me telling them it's going to be difficult.

My friend's father became a full time carer to his wife recently. Strangely he didn't have people saying 'ooh you're going to lose all your freedom and you'll have sleepless nights and you'll have to change loads of nappies' to him. All he had was support. Why can't we do the same for expectant parents?

nickelbabe Tue 21-Jun-11 12:45:36

(i do it sometimes, but it's usually along the lines of.... "have a look in <insert board> on MN, they'll be able to advise you" )

jenna13 Tue 21-Jun-11 12:57:21

i agree with spatchcock, comments like that are really patronising, and because it's all you seem to hear from some people i'm at the point where i'm not even excited about the baby coming as i'm dreading the first few months and my DP has convinced himself i'll end up with post natal depression because it'll be too difficult. everyone i know just seems to love telling me stories about how there babies had to feed every hour for at least half an hour for the first 8 weeks, i know its not going to be easy but its a bit too late to do anything about it now and i really dont see what benefit scaremongering has!

lostinindia Tue 21-Jun-11 13:04:46

My first was like that Jenna (feeding every half hour etc but she was like that for 6mnths) and it was fab. Spent lots of time in coffee shops bfing, eating cake. And when I wasn't doing that I was either chilling with friends or relaxing on the 'net. Bfing is a great excuse to do nothing.

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