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Unwanted Advice / Warnings!

(20 Posts)
silverangel Thu 16-Jun-11 11:18:03

Is anyone else getting annoyed with the "oh you'll never be able to cope" stories?!

I'm expecting twins and everyone seems to have a horror story about lack of sleep / how difficult its going / you'll never be bale to feed them both etc etc. Looking at buggies the other week in John Lewis a mum with twins started going on about how "you will never cope without professional help, you'll end up depressed and its completeley unable to cope", yesterday another mother of twins started off with "I spent the first three months crying, its only know they are 12 I can enjoy them".

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I know its going to be hard, I'm realistic, but quite frankly there is nothing I can do about it so we are going to have to cope. Much as I would love to have professional help, we can't afford it and I'm lucky enough to have mum and mum in law to help. The way I see it plenty have managed before me and plenty will manage after me!!

OK, rant oversmile

Becka1408 Thu 16-Jun-11 11:32:55

Just ignore them awful people. That's one way to give a pregnant mummy to be anxiety. Just enjoy your pregnancy and remember everyone is different and cope in different ways. You could have to very placid babies that don't cry very much. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and tell those people to kindly eff off :D xxxx

Firawla Thu 16-Jun-11 11:39:37

oh just ignore them!! i've never had twins but im sure people cope, they should be congratulating, twins will be lovely. i'm a twin and it was really nice to always have someone to play with at home, i would definitely look on the positive side. when we were little sometimes my mum used to have a trainee nursery nurse (or something along those lines?) from the local college would come round on some days and help out for free, so you never know maybe can get something like that if you ever do need it but as you say you have your mum and mil so wouldnt be totally without support

rooks14 Thu 16-Jun-11 11:44:35

Everyone keeps telling me there's no way I can finish my degree. I know it's going to be incredibly hard, especially because he will be only just 2 months when I go back to uni in october and I'm in my last year so have my dissertation etc to do!

To be honest, the other three years of my degree I have spent most of my time sleeping/drinking/watching Jeremy Kyle. so I think getting up before noon every day will give me a lot more time :D And OH is working full time now having just graduated so I think we'll be in a much better routine!

I think being a student I have a hell of a lot less hours a week to be actaully there then someone who is working, and I only live 5 minutes away! Plus i have a month off at christmas and easter then finish in June!

I really need peoples support rather than telling me how hards it's going to be!!!

schmee Thu 16-Jun-11 11:48:22

Oh god I remember this soooooo well. People insisting that I needed a full time maternity nurse, the person who told me she'd rather commit suicide than have twins, etc.

I still get it to some extent - people who assume that my life must be awful because I have boy/boy twins. Do you know what, they are brilliant! I love having twins, I love having boys and I love them.

I'm not going to say I didn't have some very very hard bits (particularly in the beginning) and I do think you need to throw yourself into parenthood a lot more with twins than people with a singleton. But that's a good thing - I loved the fact that they were all consuming when they were younger, and I can honestly say I was never bored until they started preschool when I missed them hugely.

I think other twin mothers are meaning well - I really valued having other twin mothers as friends so we could share our own particular brand of pain! And I would say on the feeding, I wish I'd been prepared that it might not go smoothly as I blithely assumed I'd be able to tandem breastfeed from the start and felt like a failure when I couldn't. So they may just be trying to tell you that you can give yourself a break if you have twins and things don't go quite according to your expectation.

But it will be fab, it will bring out amazing things in you and you will always have an incredibly special achievement.

midori1999 Thu 16-Jun-11 11:58:58

It wouldn't make any difference if you were having one baby IMO, people always say ridiculous things, whether you're pregnant or not and regardless of ho wmany babies you are carrying.

I personally find having one baby so easy I was looking forward to the challenge of having twins (we lost them after a very complicated pregnancy and they were born extremely prematurely) and despite having three living children and another due any day, would love another set of twins.

CBear6 Thu 16-Jun-11 12:10:14

Smile politely and say, "well by the end of the first week we'll have decided which one we like best and we'll just send the other one back - I'm sure we'll cope fine then". It'll shut them up at least.

I keep getting asked how on Earth I'm going to cope. DS is nearly two and he's at that age where I'm repeating everything 500 times, distracting him every five minutes, and basically acting like Perky McForced-Grin for a large part of the day. People seem to think he'll be like this Ferber though and he won't, even now he's not a bad kid or difficult to look after, he just gets over-excited and needs constant gentle remiders of where the boundaries lie. I get comments like "you're going to have to watch him like a hawk around that baby" (because I planned to let him babysit while I dick about at the shops) and "bloody hell you'll have your hands full!" and "having Bear is like having three normal kids" (which gets my back right up, he's no more naughty or well-behaved than his peers).

Most people are well-meaning in their advice and the rest are trying to earn validation for their own brilliantness as a parent by emphasising how very, very hard it was. The people to listen to are the ones who tell you the good as well as the bad, that being a parent - no matter how many babies you have - is tiring and emotional and some days you feel like you're just making it up as you go along, but ultimately it's worth it. And not three months from now or when they're 12, it's worth it from day one.

You'll do great smile

schmee Thu 16-Jun-11 12:35:45

Cbear6 "trying to earn validation for their own brilliantness.. by emphasising how very very hard it was" - I hope that wasn't deliberately a direct quote from my post!!

girlfromdownsouth Thu 16-Jun-11 12:53:36

I have a great friend with twin girls (now 5yo) and her and DH managed fine. They used a system at night whereby they picked a twin each and then tended to that twin in the night so mum didn't have to do it all. She managed to breastfeed them both in the day - at the same time mostly and they used bottles in the night and later on when the demands were too much. They are wonderful girls.

I have another friend who has 2 sets of twins (plus another child) and she is the most chilled out mum I know - always has been. Her DH is a scientist and is away a lot and she just gets on with things.

Ignore those harpies of doom - you will be fine!

CBear6 Thu 16-Jun-11 13:00:49

Oh god no schmee! I liked your post and a lot of my point about the most worthwhile advice being from those who tell you the good and the bad rather than just the bad was a reflection of yours. I didn't even pick up on the "very very hard" bit also being in your post until you mentioned it.

I was referring to people I've met in real life who play the martyr card about how parenthood is awful and take the attitude that they have some sort of x-factor about them which others don't possess. One of my relative is like this, she's the only person in the world to have had sleepless nights with a wide awake infant and the only person to have had a colicky infant and a clingy infant, quite possibly the only person to have had an infant ever and she constantly goes on about how vile it was and how many sacrifices she made but she never talks about the good things, just the bad, and then gets quite huffy when no one congratulates her for being such an amazing mother.

schmee Thu 16-Jun-11 13:19:23

Sorry - just teasing!! Agree, I do think it is so sad when people only talk about how vile it is. There's so many brilliant things to think about too.

CBear6 Thu 16-Jun-11 13:22:47

It's like people who want to tell first timers about how horrendous labour is: "oh it'll last days and days and you'll snap in two!"

They reckon it takes a village to raise a child and every bloody resident will have an opinion that they won't be shy about expressing! smile

sabine Thu 16-Jun-11 13:25:41

Just in case you want to know, a friend of mine had DS3 at just over 1 year, a (surprise) DS4 at three months when the very surprising next pregnancy happened and it was twins. So for a while she had three under one year. The twins are now 16, appear perfectly well adjusted and sometimes babysit for me. The other children, and more importantly their mum seems perfectly well adjusted as well. People need to dish out that kind of doomsday advice to make themselves feel better. By the way, just to give more unwanted advice, while you are looking at buggies, look at the mountainbuggies (there is a new one out called the duet) and there is a Dutch websit called babyjungle that have a good range of double buggies at good prices.

nannyl Thu 16-Jun-11 13:55:48

ignore them

also if you have a local college that does childcare courses, they may have childcarers in training who need a homebased placement.

They could come round each week and help out for free, and give you a chance to have a shower in peace or similar. All for free, and baby twins will look great on their CV, and no charge for you!

The criteria is (normally) at least 2 young children, at least one of which must be under 12months old.

buttonmoon78 Thu 16-Jun-11 14:08:03

I agree - it fits with the whole competitive element of how bad your pg, birth etc was.

Yes, it will be hard - but you've no illusions there. And it's also hard looking after one! But it is rewarding and I can only assume that with two it's logical that it is just as if not more rewarding!

ShowOfHands Thu 16-Jun-11 14:13:27

I think sometimes it's worth remembering in a complete arse about face way some people are trying to help. I bet at some point they wailed 'why did nobody TELL me' and they're trying to prevent the same level of shock. They just suffer from a lack of joined up thinking sometimes. Say to them 'and what about the positives? I'd like to hear about them'. If they continue doom and glooming and you don't want to hear it, then by all means walk away/tell them to bog off. Plus as a nation we're a bit crap at talking about the good bits or finding it easy. You get called smug, sadly.

And don't forget people talking about how bad their pg/birth was won't necessarily be competitive. These people might be hurt and foolishly trying to work through it in the wrong way. Try not to bite their heads off first time round.

And congratulations! Twins are marvellous.

Scheherezadea Thu 16-Jun-11 14:14:26

Oh I know how you feel! I'm pg with my first child, and I'm SO fed up of people who seem to delight in telling me how horrific I'm going to find labour. Argh!

buttonmoon78 Thu 16-Jun-11 14:15:25

You're right SOH, that was unneccessary of me. Some people are doing what you say.

I just get wound up with the whole 'well, if you think that's bad, let me tell you...' culture which seems to have happened!

pregnantmimi Thu 16-Jun-11 14:37:20

It gets right up my nose when people start giving silly advice and its like do they think your stupid!

It doesnt help as well that hormones are all over the place too.

I decided to stay out of the way of a few people at the moment till hormones settle down.

But yeah if people are saying all negative thinngs what about all the wonderful positive things they could be saying like how great it is to have twins how lucky you are and how they will always have a best friend.

Actually I noticed since being pregnant that people seem to delight in saying negative things that make you feel s### about yourself. I know its not relevent but this upset me.
I was in the hairdressors having a trim and a cup of tea and a woman just come up and didnt even know her and pointed at the cup and said really loud "shouldnt have caffine when pregnant" I only have 1 cup a day and the midwife said fine and this woman doesnt even know me its not like Im injecting heroin. It ruined my relaxing hairdressors appointment.

redexpat Thu 16-Jun-11 18:58:49

Pregnantmimi that sounds awful! Nannyl that sounds like an excellent suggestion!

Again, not really part of the trying to make you feel awful variety of comment, but I'm getting really fed up with my sisters in law saying 'we didn't/couldn't do that as children so there's a good chance that yours wont'. Yes, but this child gets my genes as well, so there is an equally good chance that they will! GAH!

OP you sound like you have a pretty healthy attitude to this! Good luck!

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