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anxious about whether baby will be ok, pls reassure

(20 Posts)
titferbrains Tue 14-Jun-11 14:52:32

god here I am again, WORRYING.

Want to buy a couple of baby things on amazon, nothing major, just a book and some nice muslins, and am worrying about if baby is going to be healthy and ok. I don't even feel comfortable using the phrase "when the baby comes" because I feel it's presumptuous.

Why can't I just relax and be more positive?

All the stillborn info on MN has kind of alarmed me I guess and I also have another stupid worry: I have a friend who is due around the same time as me and am terrified that one of us will lose the baby and the other will have theirs and then there will just be this horrible sadness associated with that child, the friend it should have had etc. I have tried to bury the thought but it crosses my mind so often.

Am also terrified of having to explain the loss of bump/baby to DD1 but also can't stop asking her if she's excited etc. because I'm having this baby mostly for her to have a little friend and to enrich her life as well as mine/DH's.

Please tell me I am being ridiculous or how to get rid of all these worries!

Buranda Tue 14-Jun-11 17:38:16

Hi titferbrains, can I ask how far along are you? Of course, you're going to worry and some women worry more than others - that's only natural. Although, I do think you are overthinking things way too much. Try and relax, I know it's harder said then done, but worrying and stressing yourself out is not good for you or the baby. I would recommend you stop reading things on MN about miscarriages and still borns because you will only wind yourself up. Enjoy being pregnant and buying things from Amazon, you are allowed to!
And just go along with the motto that whatever happens you will DEAL with it then and there. You're much stronger than you think - and positive thinking will work wonders!

Rosebud05 Tue 14-Jun-11 17:47:21

I don't think there's anything that anyone can say or do to help you get rid of these worries. It's just one step at a time and the overwhelming likelihood is that you'll have a healthy baby in your arms before too long.

FWIW, I was a nervous wreck during the whole of my last two pregnancies. I sort of rationalised buying things by thinking if the worst did happen, it wasn't going to make things better or worse if I did buy those muslins or whatever, so I might as well just get on with it.

I hope that this doesn't offend in any way.

I do understand that constant, gnawing anxiety. For me, it was just one day at a time and trying to distract myself as much as possible.

Owlingate Tue 14-Jun-11 17:54:03

Rosebud you are absolutely right. I had a second trimester MC with DC2. I hadn't bought anything for her as I had been worried following a bad nuchal result. I then felt guilty about not buying anything for her and wished I had.

Whether you buy anything for your baby will not make a difference to how bad you feel if something goes wrong.

What helped me during my fraught pg with DC3 was taking each day at a time, i.e. each day is another day with my baby each day after 20 weeks is another day I didn't get with DC2. And constantly repeating that the overwhelming odds, even with my medical history, were in my favour. Even in the first trimester you are way more likely to have a healthy baby than not.

HTH. Try and channel / focus your anxiety about things you might be able to control - how much you spend on baby, how you get to hospital, who will visit you afterwards etc. etc.

titferbrains Tue 14-Jun-11 19:59:56

Thanks for replies. My DD was diagnosed with cancer - a tumour on her kidney - at 6 months and I wonder if my issues are to do with a bit of unresolved emotion about that. I was mostly very calm about the whole thing and hardly cried at all. However, it has made me hyper aware of my dd's mortality and my own, and it has really influenced the way I parent - I try to be as joyful as possible and I try to really listen to DD to make her feel valued, I never want a day go by that where she wouldn't know how much I love her. It's like I can't let go of the thought that we could be separated, that she could be taken away from me or me from her. So it's difficult to pin my hopes on an unborn child (tho it's just given me a little kick to remind me that it's doing fine, cheers baby!) and let myself be joyful about it. And it is exhausting to think/feel like this all the time.

titferbrains Tue 14-Jun-11 20:00:30

Sorry, to be clear, DD is absolutely fine now. I am 25 wks.

philbee Tue 14-Jun-11 20:15:59

I was about to post something similar, although I'm only 9 weeks. It's also my DC2, and I thought I'd be calmer, but I'm stressed all the time and worried that things are going wrong. I've been trying not to read things about miscarriages etc. but it's always on my mind. Owlingate - taking one day at a time is good advice, I think. It's when I start thinking too much about it that I start to get stressed. Hope you can find a way to relax, titfer.

Coppernoddle Tue 14-Jun-11 20:19:38

Oh you poor thing!! Your going through every mothers nightmare!! No wonder you feel how you do, which is perfectly natural!! But you cant let this get the better of you, you need to enjoy this time, not spend it worrying which I know is easier said than done! But there's no point waiting for it to happen! Yes live everyday like it's your last but enjoy everyday to it's fullest! I probably would think that counselling would do you the world of good in teaching you how to control your thoughts, and help you relax and enjoy your family without all the worry. You sound like a very strong person, you just need a release! Also speak to your midwife and tell her your fears, that's what their there for! Big hugs x x x think your amazing x x x

Whelk Tue 14-Jun-11 20:25:14

Titferbrains- I' so sorry to hear about your dd and so glad she is OK now.
Really sorry to hear you feel like this - its certainly something I can relate to. My family all joke that I was a 'nightmare being pregnant'/

I felt really anxious during my pregnancies and looking back I am almost sure there was some antenatal depression in there.

Your comment that it feels exhausting to think and feel like this strikes a chord with me.

I feel I might have benefitted from some sort of counselling or even recognition of my anxiety an opportunity to leran some relaxation techniques to handle it, so wish I had spoken to my mid wife or GP about it,.

A few things helped me; my mum lent me a relaxation CD which really helped switch my mind off and swimming helped me.

I would recommend you do try to talk to someone. If I ever have another pregnancy then I would certainly do that as early as possible.

Incidentally I felt on top of the world AFTER i had the babies - so I don't think its linked to PND. Actually that feeling of normal, albeit tired, confirmed how 'off' I had been when pregnant.

RedHotPokers Tue 14-Jun-11 20:27:30

I think what you are feeling is very common. I'm sure for all the mothers who have told everyone they're pg at 6w, have named the baby at 12w and bought a full set of baby clothes by 15w, there are the same number of mothers who are completely the opposite.

Once you have a bad thing happen, you can't help but imagine other bad things. I worried the whole way through my pg with DD, couldn't discuss anything positive about 'when the baby is here', couldn't bring myself to wear maternity clothes until 20+ weeks, obsessively read 'what to expect' but only week by week! I think this was all because I'd had a mc in my first pg. I worried less with DS, but I still worried.

Totally agree with Rosebuds advice. Good luck and congratulations btw......oh, and ban yourself from mc/bereavement threads!!!

icravecheese Tue 14-Jun-11 20:37:08

titferbrains - I really understand how you feel, I am expecting my 3rd baby, & have been SOOO much more worried about baby being ok this time compared to my first 2 pregs.

My DD (second born) suffered major bowel failure at 9months old & we spent a long time in hospital with her (she's fine now) you, I was very calm throughout, didnt cry (even when told she might not survive). I too believe that my worries about this pregnancy are related to my daughters problems.... I now have an insight into how fragile life is (but then again, what fantastic little fighters babies are!!) & have sort of blamed myself for her bowel failure - we obviously didnt quite 'make' her bowels properly when she was in the womb, & I worry that the same could happen again. Daft I know, but that is often what I think...

Having said that, I'm now 22 weeks and, after a clear 20wk scan I am feeling much more positive about baby being ok & have even bought a few things - newborn babygro's, breast pads etc.

Also, I've recently started to talk to lots of people about DD's problems / time in hospital etc & its been really cathartic.... probably boring for everyone I talk to, but sometimes just chatting about it really helps.

I really hope you start to feel more relaxed about your pregnancy soon xx

mrsrvc Tue 14-Jun-11 20:39:46

I am sorry to hear about your dd, and to hear that you are worrying so much.
It is only natural to worry and particularly after yo have been through a trauma. Perhaps you could see if you could get some counselling.
I sadly lost DS1 a week after he was born due to a birth accident, and while I knew that the same thing couldn't happen again, I spent the whole of my pregnancy with DS2 believing that something ELSE would happen. However I made myself buy things, I knitted, I found out the sex all the things that you might think I couldn't have done. But I needed to know that if something were to happen, I would have something that was his.
I cherish all the things I got for DS1 and think how happy he would be to see his little brother using them now.
I am now starting this all over again, and hope that I may worry slightly less (although I know this is not realistic) but I intend to make the most of every single moment of this pregnancy however long it lasts, if the worst were to happen again, I would have special memories again.

I hope that this helps and that the story of my loss hasn't worried you more.

titferbrains Tue 14-Jun-11 20:42:50

Thanks again for posts.

I do think I need to talk to someone and to try to relax and let go of my thoughts a bit more - my "overthinking" has been mentioned before when I've started threads so am realising that I am a bit more of a worrier than most mums!

Red hot, am keeping away from sad threads thanks. You are right about worries breeding worries! I am not completely paralysed by my thoughts, thank goodness, and I do have moments when I feel calm, but I often think that talking things out more with someone objective would help me to set these fears free a little bit.

thanks so much for your kind replies and thoughts. Am going to make a list of nice things to do to make time go by till the baby comes!!!

titferbrains Tue 14-Jun-11 20:49:29

Mrsrvc, I think I understand what you mean - that whatever you buy for yr unborn child (or knit etc) kind of belongs to that pregnancy, and that baby, and that's ok, that's good whatever happens. That is a positive and sensible way to look at things, and I will definitely keep that in mind.

mrsmon Tue 14-Jun-11 20:51:19

so sorry to hear about your dd but glad everythings ok although it wont stop you worring any less about her.

Im on my 3ds and have been worrying a lot more during this preg than last 2 and have posted on a previous post about knowing much more about pregnancy each time you are blessed to be, knowledge can be a scary thing ! i mostly have thoughts along the lines of i have 2 healthy ds will something be wrong this time! totally irrational but still worries me.

hope you and your baby are well xx

Whelk Tue 14-Jun-11 21:01:24

One last peice of advice - Never never never Google!!

pinklovingfeminist Tue 14-Jun-11 21:39:29

Hi there, would it help to invest in a foetal heart monitor? I am a worrier and it has given me great solace. You must always see a midwife if you think something's wrong, even if you can still hear a HB on the monitor, but it can give you a lot of reassurance.

Am so sorry about your DD.xx

LunaticFringe Tue 14-Jun-11 21:47:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

titferbrains Tue 14-Jun-11 22:07:46

pink - nothing to be sorry about, my dd is fucking amazing, the best kid ever!

Coppernoddle Wed 15-Jun-11 10:03:55

Good for you titferbrains!! smile

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