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Advice on family needed please

(10 Posts)
PoppysMom Tue 14-Jun-11 06:12:42

Hi all,

My Mum and I have had a rocky relationship so far and had been out of touch for a few years.
I am pregnant with my first, which will also be her first grandchild.
I am currently 16+6.

When I first told her her response was very bad (Oh dear!""). I am married and I am 26 years old.
I live in Asia at the moment and my family, as well as DH family is back in Europe.

My Mum is very upset and blames everything on DH ("Well, he'll be happy to have the child in Asia where I won't have access and nobody can talk into your affairs", "I won't know the toddler that will move back to Europe!", etc)
Everything is either planned by my DH to cut her off, or to hurt her.

I know that this is not true and my DH and I are in a very even relationship, where we talk everything through.

My Mum has since come round to the grandchild idea and is actually excited. However, with this has come an endless stream of name suggestions and "her favourite this and favourite that". She seems to think that she has a say in the baby's name choice. I get at least 2 names a day suggested. If I turn the suggestions down, we are back to "Your DH doesn't like them and that's why they are turned down"
This is not true, but we are choosing our baby's name ourselves without taking suggestions into consideration.

This is all driving me really insance now and I needed to address it, because her permanent digs at DH are getting me down and I am in a permanent fight with her.

I sent her an email thanking her for all the suggestions, but that DH and I will not choose, or announce the baby's name until she is bron.
I know this will cause a huge storm. Do you think I did the right thing?
I am getting to the point where I am thinking of severing the relationship again, as I cannot cope anymore with the permanent digs.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mum, but I don't approve of her child rearing for instance and did not have a good time growing up (hence the severed relationship years back).

Sorry for the long post.
I guess I am after advice and opinions on the above, which is obviously very cut down.


WinterLover Tue 14-Jun-11 07:29:57

Congratulations BTW!!

Id have done the exact same thing. When we announced to DPs family and mine at 13 weeks their first response was 'what names have you chosen, are you finding out the sex'. I find everyone seems to know or want to know everything regarding the baby so from teh start we told them we wasnt going to find out the sex or discuss baby names with anyone as it was mine and DPs choice... No-one liked it but since then they have backed off..

Hopefully she'll back off a bit now smile

PoppysMom Tue 14-Jun-11 08:00:41

Thank you WinterLoversmile. I am so worried, but you are right, it is mine and DH decision. Nobody else asked me about names, or finding out sex.

SHe was going mental when I suggested the DH didn't want to find out sex. We did in the end, as I wanted to know and DH budged, but I agree with his name thought, so I think it is right for us to decide for ourselves. Afterall, my Mum has named 4 kids herself...

davidtennantsmistress Tue 14-Jun-11 08:15:32

she sounds like a chils jelouse of someone else, and tbh not to upset you I think you could have problems when the baby comes with her in the way of interfering overbearing and not letting you guys do anything.

anyhow, we did the same as winter, right from the off we said we wouldn't find out, with our names we've given a couple of random stupid ones which are obviously not our choices or keep saying we've not found one which sticks yet. Luckily the only one to have the ass is DB, but ah well he can deal with it when bubs is here lol.

it's your child, and this should be a special time for you both not one whereby you're feeling stressed.

nunnie Tue 14-Jun-11 08:22:22

I get this from my mum, and have done with all 3 of my pregnancies. I was even told with DS if I picked the name I had wanted then I would have to give him a middle name as she would refuse to call him by his first.
Me being me continued to tell her that was going to be his name (it wasn't) but to have said we had decided was easier than saying we were undecided or she would have written list after list of her favourites.

Have done the same with this one, the first thing she did was suggest names, so we picked a name we would NOT be using that we knew she wouldn't like and tell her that we had decided.

Call me petty but I find it easier with my mum to have her pull a name to pieces and be quite frankly rude about it. Than to have her suggesting names or ripping the name we DO want to bits, if that makes sense.

Hope you mum backs off a little for you now.

Congratulations and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and name picking.

PoppysMom Tue 14-Jun-11 08:42:55

Nunnie that made me laugh!
I did suggest doing that to my DH, but he thinks a white-lie isn't the way to go with her and to cull it as soon as possible.
Understandably he doesn't like my Mum very much and I don't blame him. Opposite, when we visit them I will book us a hotel rather than staying there.

Exactly the bad responses to the name is what makes me not want to tell her. I really liked the name "Claire", but a close friend of mine was called that and she died a while ago, so my Mum picked it to pieces angry

Thank you for your advice DavidTennantsMistress. You are right. I am really worried that everything I will want to do will be met with another piece of advice.

She managed to tell me how $h!t I looked in specific colours and that baby has to be in salmony pinks, really light yellows and "lots of white"! Apparently people that saw me in more colour always felt the need to offer to get me more clothes. Really? Thanks Mum! angry

I bought cute little rompers and I am sure baby will look cute

CitizenOscar Tue 14-Jun-11 23:05:11

You could try this: breathe deeply, smile, thank her for her advice/thoughts etc and then ignore her. Tell her you won't be telling anyone the name until the baby is born and just politely stick to that.

She might be trying to show an interest in the only way she knows how. I have a very good relationship with my mum, who I think is lovely and was a great parent to me, but even she has had some weird issues during my pregnancy. I've tried to talk to her where possible but a lot of the time I've just had to breathe, smile, politely ignore etc and the issue has generally blown over and/or she's accepted my point of view.

PoppysMom Wed 15-Jun-11 01:42:48

Thank you Citizen.
Still no response from her, but will see how it goes

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 15-Jun-11 03:01:48

Does she ring every day, or is this by email? Because I would be tempted to limit communication a bit if it's driving you this mad - as a middle ground between severing the relationship completely and putting up with the endless criticism. And it's good practise for when Poppy (?) is born.

PoppysMom Sat 18-Jun-11 12:48:29

Hi Turtoise,

Sorry I missed your response!
She never calls. She only emails me saying I should call (something about it being too expensive to call abroad).
Anyway, I still haven't heard from her and I am not budging.
You are right, loosening the contact is maybe a good idea.
(And yes, little Poppy seed wink)

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