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MIL visit at 37 weeks - Am I being too precious?

(27 Posts)
Rootatoot Sat 11-Jun-11 23:12:06

Forgive me for repeating myself as I mentioned this on another thread but I don't want to go hijacking that one for my own little whinge so here goes...

My MIL is a very strong lady and whilst i get on ok with her, I feel like I'm treading carefully with her most of the time. We had a major upset before DH and I got married which I won't go into, but it was entirely her own doing (honestly) and I did my best to sort it out but it resulted in me being very very upset in weeks up to wedding and no sort of compromise on her part.

Since then, which was a couple years ago, things improved and in a funny way, she's been better with me because I didn't let her walk all over me back then.

Anyway, I'm now 30 weeks pg and it's our first baby. It will be MIL's 2nd grandchild. We haven't heard an awful lot from her during my pregnancy. She rings every few weeks and have had some nice chats with her here and there but she has been so incredibly busy that we just haven't seen her apart from a flying hour's visit, since february.

I spoke to her a couple weeks ago and asked if she wanted to see us before baby arrives but then when she got her diary out she was busy for every date I suggested up until really late on in pregnancy. I provisionally agreed to a weekend when I thought I'd be 36 weeks but I realised after that I'd be 37 weeks. I just don't feel comfortable with having visitors that late on. I'll be full term. MIL just said that I wouldn't have to do anything (that's not true. Her DH sadly has alzeihmers and we have a dog which they are not good with. Doors open to road, kettle boiled dry etc. ) I won't be relaxed with them around and just feel I've been backed into a corner now.

I looked again at dates and suggested another weekend which I had initially ruled out but thought could work around something but she has replied very curtly that it isn't possible that weekend for her now, as she has now booked a meeting in the day before and it is out of question to reschedule.

Am I being precious not wanting visitors when I'll be 37 weeks gone? I know it's unlikely that I'll be early but you never know and I'll be full term.

I think world war 3 might kick off if I try and put her off, even though I did say originally that it was quite late on and I'd have to see how I was feeling.

Sorry for essay...if you can be bothered to read this...

WWYD? Feeling stressed about it sad

SongBirdsKeepSinging Sat 11-Jun-11 23:25:57

What does your dh think? Being stressed isn't going to do you any good so you need to talk to him about how you feel.would dh be around for the visit too to ensure you didn't have to do any running around?

Personally when I was 39 weeks with dd I prepared,cooked,cleaned up after, a three course Christmas dinner for me,dp,pil and my own parents. I'd agreed to host dinner months before, they all said I was mad,it was hectic but we had a blast. Dd didnt bother making an appearance till the January.

Everybody is different so you can only do (and have to do) what's best for you.I'm 34 weeks now and no way would I repeat my Christmas shenanigans this time round.

WidowWadman Sat 11-Jun-11 23:26:22

If it's just a day I'd say having visitors shouldn't be a problem, if they plan to stay for the weekend it's a different story

metalelephant Sat 11-Jun-11 23:26:53

Try to not worry, just make sure you calmly explain to your dh that it will be his responsibility to entertain his parents as you will be knackered. If it's all too much, pretend your morning sickness has returned and retire to the bedroom with a nice book.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Sat 11-Jun-11 23:28:14

The return of sickness is an excellent plan!

Icelollycraving Sat 11-Jun-11 23:32:48

I'm 37 weeks pregnant now,I wouldn't feel like cooking & cleaning etc & entertaining people aside from the nesting instinct which kicks in at odd times! I think tell yr dh how you feel. The way you could do it is make some dinners now & freeze them in advance. Reiterate that it is late in your pregnancy & you will confirm nearer the time.
Don't panic yourself too much though, I thought I wouldn't want to visit people. I went to stay at my sister's last week,my dh drove me there but would have been working when I was due home. I was really dreading the 3 trains home. My lovely bil drove me home because he could see I just couldn't relax as I was dreading the journey home.
Hope it goes ok,you could always book some midwife appointments etc when they are due so that you don't have to see them or happily they may cancel!

lollystix Sun 12-Jun-11 07:42:16

What metalelephant said. I'd agree to be honest to keep the peace and then just delegate to dh. They're his parents and you've never had a better excuse to take yourself off for a lie down.

DialMforMummy Sun 12-Jun-11 07:50:20

If you are not happy with it, then it will have to be no I am afraid.
If she is that desperate to see you, can you meet up somewhere for lunch? Do they have to stay?

HumphreyCobbler Sun 12-Jun-11 08:05:20

I think I would just suck it up and make DH run around after them. If she has form for making things unpleasant then why risk it just before you have the baby? A falling out just before you have a baby should be avoided at all costs imo. Have stuff in the freezer and go and lie down a lot.

I hate having visitors when I am pg too, so I do sympathise.

emsyj Sun 12-Jun-11 08:19:16

Well my baby (first) was born at 37 weeks so I wouldn't agree to this, but then it is relatively unusual for first babies to be so early.

We had visitors (DH's best friend and his girlfriend) to stay for the weekend 3 weeks before DD was born. It was exhausting and I actually missed dinner on the evening they arrived because cleaning and preparing for their visit made me feel so terrible, I had to go to bed.

If you think it will be too much for you, just say what a shame we won't be able to see you before the baby is born, never mind there'll be plenty of opportunities to visit once baby is here.

Rootatoot Sun 12-Jun-11 10:57:41

Thanks for suggestions. They live 4 hour drive away so it will be for 2 nights on a weekend. DH is lovely but he doesn't really notice when people need cups tea/feeding etc so the only way he'll do all running around is if I ask him to do things, at the time. I think if it was MIL on her own I'd be more ok with it but, without sounding heartless, her DH (not my DH's Dad) has alzeihmers and although he's not desparately bad as yet, I am still finding him quite stressful to look after. He's leaves front door open and ours is straight onto road, and I have a dog who they are not very good with. Last time they were here, it was only an afternoon and he left gas on, boiled kettle constantly and, though he didn't mean to, nearly pushed me over when I was earlier in pregnancy.

I suppose I would be able to excuse myself for a lie down but I'd still be on edge worrying about the dog and what's going on. Oh and our room is directly above living room, where the TV will be on super loud as they're both a bit deaf!

Dh would be willing to tell them no but I am worried about being the 'bad guy' and having a fall out. I just wish MIL was sensitive enough to not come then but if it suits her, then she will.

Might follow icelollys suggestion and just remind her I'll be late on and I'll see how i'm doing nearer time, though I don't imagine it will get any easier. When I said this initially she just said 'you won't have to do anything' and that first babies aren't usually late!

pooka Sun 12-Jun-11 11:02:12

I think that your DH has to learn to be a host, to get drinks and to keep an eye on the dog and so on.

It's all very well saying he's lovely but won't notice meals/drinks being required. But by excusing that as just being him, then you're doing yourself a disservice I think. It smacks of the age old "you're just so much better at ironing than I am" excuse where you never make yourself learn something and someone always picks up the job.

youonlygetonelife Sun 12-Jun-11 11:06:24

I think you need to let them come. You could end up more upset by quarrels caused by them not coming.

The dog is (understandably) a big focus of your anxiety. Can dog go to a friend or to kennels for the weekend? It would be one less thing to think about.

Your DH can jolly well start noticing whether people need feeding etc etc. You need to get that sorted before you have the baby anyway!

I don't know anyone who had a first baby on time ... all late!

Good luck!

Hormoneoverload Sun 12-Jun-11 11:09:52

I think overnight a tough call but with careful management you could be fine. But you do need to say "dh everyone needs a cup of tea" or whatever and make it clear that when they come you won't be able to do a lot. Otherwise you'll be okay for the weekend but wiped out afterwards. But at 37 weeks, you might be fine with first baby. I am not saying this to say that you should, but I worked until thirty eight weeks with an on the go all day job. It's a balancing act, if the visit is tolerable, you have earnt lots of brownie points and may find mil more bearable after the birth.

Jill72 Sun 12-Jun-11 11:29:59

Sounds as if it is more about the relationship with your MIL than the timing, although that is not great! Bet it wouldn't matter when she was coming you would not look forward to it!!! Well done for standing up to her last time!! Let her come, (you will have to 'work' with her for many years to come!!), but YOU make the rules in your house, make sure she gets up and does her bit in the house too - she has to see that the visit is ON YOUR TERMS not hers - so if you want to lie down do!

stillfrazzled Sun 12-Jun-11 12:32:16

Sympathy, I wouldn't fancy it either.

BUT since she's a nice lady even if difficult, and wants to see you not just hang on and wait for the baby smile I'd prob go for it.

On one condition, though - your DH should stop using the excuse that he's 'not a good host' and learn to BE one. Being a man doesn't mean he can't notice when people (esp his own mother) need drinks, or food, or a change of scene...

Look on it as practice for when you're anchored to the sofa with a newborn. He'll need to do lots then and shouldn't have to be reminded the whole time!

stillfrazzled Sun 12-Jun-11 12:34:44

Was going to add, DH preferring to put off his own mother rather than just do the work himself smacks strongly of him thinking of it all as your responsibility.

I don't want to start a fight between a pg woman and her husband wink, but this is honestly something you need to nip in the bud sharpish. Having a new baby needs to be a team effort.

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 12-Jun-11 12:39:45

I think you should let her come. If you can't cope now how are you going to manage when they want to come and stay when you have a newborn.

it also should be your husband and mil that look after the father- just make that clear before they arrive.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend Sun 12-Jun-11 12:47:35

I would also let them come, you just need to make it clear to DH and MIL where things are for them to go and make tea, dinner etc.

I think it would be a good idea to see if someone could take the dog for the weekend this would lighten the stress.

If you say no, then it cause more stress then having them there.

Spagbolagain Sun 12-Jun-11 12:52:15

Oh dear this is difficult. Sympathize re dog and MIL's DH causing you worry. If they do end up coming, maybe it won't be as bad as you think?

My MIL is lovely, but I was quite apprehensive about her coming to stay for a few days when DS was a tiny baby. I was bf non-stop, the house was a mess, I had had a difficult time and been in hospital for over a week, and I didn't want house guests. But when she came she was just wonderful. She cooked, she cleaned, she made tea, and generally looked after us. Tbh it was quite unexpected, but much appreciated. Is there any chance you MIL might help you out while she's there?

emmylou30 Sun 12-Jun-11 21:36:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

NeedMenInWhiteCoats Sun 12-Jun-11 22:06:46

That is my idea of a nightmare - and I really get on with my MIL. Could you meet them half way for a luxury lunch or trip somewhere? Phrase it as your last treat and it would mean so much if they could join you. If all else fails then they definatly shouldn't stay with you, if you still can't handle the thought of it suggest a compromise of them staying at a B&B or hotel after trying to say no first obviously!

Rootatoot Sun 12-Jun-11 22:42:44

Well latest development....had nice chat with MIL tonight but neither of us referred to the weekend in question. Didn't feel like right time to bring it up as she rang quite late and is about to go on holiday (again) tomorrow.

I had a lovely talk with her about things in general and was nice to catch up, then put her on to DH. I've just come upstairs to find DH really peed off and upset as she had hung up on him! She started apparently asking why we go see my parents more than her (not true!) and why can't we spare time to see her (her diary has been totally full for months, including 6weeks worth of holidays). And this conversation isn't even connected to the weekend I'm worried about - as it wasn't mentioned! It's been a really hard time for us over last couple years as DH lost his job in downturn and has just been doing patchy contract work since. I also freelance and work has been patchy but we've muddled through. DH has struggled with stress and some depression, though has been managing better this year on the whole. So now, when DH is up to his eyeballs in work and feeling pressure, she's put more pressure on him.

I can't see me/us being able to put her off now - clearly she has been 'brewing' even though it is a situation of her own making, as she has booked herself solid with other stuff, not rung us or arranged anything and is now upset she hasn't seen us much! As usual, even though I'm the one who'll be about to give birth, this will all be about her. I don't want her to feel left out but just feel can't win! Has to be all her way. sad

I think I'm just going to leave the whole thing well alone for a few weeks and see how I'm feeling nearer the time. She'll be away now for 3 weeks anyway.

freddy05 Sun 12-Jun-11 23:14:40

OMG I've been where you are right now sad So sorry this silly women is behaving like this.

My MIL had a fit about our wedding, was a bit of a pain after but what could she do about it then. 2 years later i had a miscarriage, we had only told our parents we were pregnant so we only had them to tell about the loss. She was 'so upset' she just had to tell the whole extended family so they would understand why she was so sad!!

In the run up to DD1 being born MIL began ringing at weird times like 10 at night or 6 in the morning and banging on our door all times of day. She rang one night at 10.30, I was about 35 weeks and having spoken to her for half an hour DH asked her if from now on she wouldn't ring the landline after 8.30 because we'd soon have a baby in the house. She burst into tears and shouted you don't love me anymore you're only interested in 'freddy05' and the baby and slammed the phone down. DH being DH he rang her back and she screamed and shouted for 40 mins!! She continued being a pain more than you can imagine for many months until i told her I was having no more to do with her and given DH worked weekends and she worked the week that would be the end of it.

Over the years though I went back to visiting her and having her here only to get the same rubbish when she found out i was pregnant with DD2. Decision made this time we weren't having it so she's seen DD2 3 times in 9 months and we are much happier for it.

Please please please decide what you and your DH want to do and stick with it, if she doesn't like it tough she is unimportant right now and needs to understand that. You DH and the beautiful little baby you're about to have are all that matters smile

needsanswers Mon 13-Jun-11 00:01:15

Hi Rootatoot
i havnt been in your exact position but close to it..
my MIL cant stand me, and to be honest i feel the exact same about her, before i had my daughter now 3 i had two miscarriges which 1 of i had to have a D'N'C... waking up from the dnc i had several messages on my phone saying how i was ruinning her sons life etc that we shouldnt be having a baby etc, now i dont know about you but that was the worst thing to say to me in the state i was in so ever since then i have been polite to her, but secretly hating her (mean i no) now luckily she lives a good 2hour plane ride from us so had only met her the once by the time i was preg with my daughter. hadnt talked to her in over a year.. the next thing she is arranging for her, and my partners two sisters aged 17 and 6 to be staying with us from 3days before my due date untill 2weeks after my due date so she could be in the room for the birth and to see what im like as a mother??!!! i was livid, but do not like to tell anyone the word no, after heated discussions with my partner i was very lucky that he told her no for me... she didnt meet my daughter til her 2nd birthday, stayed with us for a week, it was worse then i imagined... told me that i shouldnt have anymore kids for at least 5 years.. not 1year later my partners tells her we are expecting our 2nd child and she has the balls to say about time, the gap between ur kids was getting to big!!
my point is you no whats right for you, and at the end of the day, that will be ur last few weeks of being able to rest when u need to rest etc... do whats right for you and your partner, im sure if the tables were turned your MIL wouldnt have an issue telling u not to come! hope it all works out for u smile

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