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Unplanned second pregnancy guilt about ambivalence

(16 Posts)
Ginga66 Sat 11-Jun-11 01:31:32

I am pregnant - no idea how far gone yet - with my second child and I feel awful! I had resigned myself to thinking I was not going to get pregnant again some months back and accepted and moved on and actually realised one was enough - have two and a bit yr old son. Shock discovery that expecting again. First pregnant some years back ended with termination due to anxiety. My son very much planned and wanted. But life so busy and just about managing now with work and son and marriage and a few hobbies and now feel utterly overwhelmed and gripped by terror not excitement. Dr was adamant I see psychiatrist as was under one but I am just a bit in shock. I know I will get used to the idea but was wondering if anyone else has felt this ambivalent? Quite guilty as was ov the moon about little boy three years ago.

mummytigger Sat 11-Jun-11 04:55:26

I know how you feel - I'm pregnant with my first, and as horrible as it is to say... I didn't want to be pregnant at all. Found out I was pregnant when I was rushed to the hospital with abdominal pain, and they told me then and there. It totally threw me for six, as my partner and I had been using protection. I felt so completely disappointed in myself for letting me get pregnant, I thought my mother would despise me and throw me out (my partner and I live with her and my stepdad) for becoming pregnant at 20/21 (even though she had me at 18) and I also thought that my partner would just up and leave me. We'd only been together 10 months when we found out and I honestly thought he'd see me as some baby-crazed nutter who'd just gotten pregnant to trap him in a loveless relationship. I don't even know why I felt so depressed, but I did.

I buried it all, didn't speak to a single person about it and started considering a termination. In the end though I decided that because I don't believe in abortion (not for religious reasons but just my own personal view) that I'd have the baby, and deal with any issue that I had head on. And after about 6 weeks where I had a scan every week to check on the baby's progress, I started relaxing. My mother went into overdrive buying things for the baby, and my partner ended up telling me in no uncertain terms how absolutely ecstatic he was - and I started to believe him. And then finally I saw the baby's heartbeat for the first time and I was fine. I think a mix of insecurity and hormones dictated to me how I felt about my pregnancy at the beginning, and all of the normal questions like "How will I cope?", "Will I work?" etc. just plagued me, and to some extent they still do, just nowhere near as much as they did at the beginning. I'm writing this in floods of tears because I never told my mum or my partner how I felt, and it put so much extra pressure on me to try and cope.

I think the best thing to do would be to listen to your doctor and let him refer you to a psychiatrist - if that's what he thinks is best then it's always good to give it a try smile If it's not for you, or it doesn't feel like it's working, then why not write down everything that's worrying you in a book and sit down with someone you're close to, like your partner or your mum, and explain what you're feeling. At least they can give you reassurance about everything that you're feeling. At the end of the day, everyone needs someone to confide in, whether it's a professional, a family member, a friend or even sites like these where you can be totally honest about what you're feeling. There's probably millions of people who need to warm to the idea of a pregnancy, especially after you've relaxed and gotten into a routine, but just think about how gorgeous that little baby is going to be. And think about how wonderful your son is going to be as an older brother.

I really hope this helped, keep your chin up smile And if you need anything you just message me, I'm always ready to lend an ear smile xx

differentnameforthis Sat 11-Jun-11 06:05:33

Just because you were over the moon for a previous pregnancy, doesn't mean that will follow for any future (especially unplanned) ones.

Not being overjoyed isn't a crime here. I felt absolutely terrified when I fell pregnant with #3. Unplanned, unwanted. So I terminated the pregnancy. I am not suggesting you do this, just pointing out, that just because I already had 2, didn't mean I would welcome another.

I can't advise you what to do, but don't be shocked by your feelings, it is normal imo.

Africagirl1 Sat 11-Jun-11 07:57:24

while this is hard for me to share, I wanted to let you know you're not the only one. My DS was 2 when we started TTC. After a year of fertility meds I stopped and decided I needed a break. The next month I was pg naturally. I had a complete meltdown. Went to see a psychiatrist, went on anti-depressants and after some counselling with DH I decided to terminate at 5 weeks. I can't explain my feelings other than i felt like a fox caught in a trap - I would have done anything to stop feeling like that. I had a medical termination and the doc said that the preg didn't look viable anyway. Six months of counselling later and I decided to TTC again and am 20 weeks pregnant and delighted. I can't explain what happened to me really, but all I could do at the time was listen to my gut. I hope this helps - you will know what is right for you.

Esfahan Sat 11-Jun-11 08:23:53

hi. I am nearly 7 months pregnant and still ambivalent. Pregnancy was a bit of a surprise as I am a bit older, now 40, and nothing had happened for months - so I'd sort of assumed it wasn't going to happen. It was not good timing as I was pretty miserable after moving house, no job, and trying to start a new career. I also felt terrible for the first 3 months, with terrible morning sickness. I did briefly consider a termination but I'd had one before which made me very sad so dismissed that. Also, given my age decided it was probably now or never.

seeing the scans did help me realise I will be fine when the baby gets here. And I've decided to go back to work sooner than I did last time - and get as much help with the baby as I can. I think part of the problem was that I felt very on my own last time, even though DP was fairly supportive.

For me, its just about taking one day at a time while pregnant - and realising that my whole life didn't have to stop just because I was going to have another child.

lostinwonderland Mon 13-Jun-11 05:02:23

I think that having children is hard and (wonderful!) but the second time round you know exactly what is coming. Was the first child hard? I have one 3 year old and had a termination when he was 2 becuase I couldn't mentally deal with having another_at that time.
I had a difficult birth and pregnancy. However a year later after counselling I feel completely differently, and feel very positive about another baby and am due later this year.
I think what you are feeling is very understandable and you are being honest with yourself. Talk it through with a professional, who you feel comfortable with and trust.
Good luck!

Ginga66 Wed 15-Jun-11 23:56:21

I am writing this with tears in my eyes too... I can't thank you all enough for your honest replies. I was feeling so alone and unnatural and guilty. Having had one termination which plunged me into deep depression I could not ever have another but I am so relieved that I am not the only mother who did this. Still ambivalent, one day at a time. Don't even really feel pregnant yet. Anyone who is happy to keep talking to me much appreciated. Sorry delay in replying, not slept for dyad. X

buttonmoon78 Thu 16-Jun-11 07:52:01

I felt dreadful finding out about #1. She was unwanted and unplanned. For the first 12 weeks she was treated as a migraine and therefore I was on all sorts of toxic prescription meds. When the penny finally dropped and I did a test my first thought was 'it's ok, there's still time to lose it'.

She was the first g/c for both sides so everybody was immediately delighted. Except me. I felt utterly overwhelmed and unable to cope until shortly before she was born. I don't know what changed but something in me did and I suddenly felt able to tackle it head on but was then plagued by guilt about the meds I'd taken until she was born absolutely perfect.

Ironically, she was the easiest birth of all my 3 dcs and was a wonderful sleeper.

When I look back on that pg, I wish so much that I'd asked for some counselling. I wish I'd had the chance to enjoy it.

Please talk to someone, don't hold all this in. Be kind to yourself.

Ginga66 Mon 04-Jul-11 23:23:39

I have had a miscarriage.

Crosshair Mon 04-Jul-11 23:41:02

Im very sorry and wish you a good recovery.

Shyera Wed 06-Jul-11 19:41:33

My sympathy to you I have also suffered a miscarriage.

Reading everyone's messages here have made me feel clamer as I am preg with no 3 and it was umplanned and has come as a large shock to us. Feeling very confused and alone. Husband is not being supportive at all, and does not seem happy.

Full of so many worries one being if we can actually finacially support another child. I have had a termination in the past but don't think i am strong enough to go through that again. Just don't feel like i have anyone to tlk to, all me and my husband do is fight.

Ginga66 Fri 08-Jul-11 00:06:30

God I understand shyer. My husband has been so distant. He does not feel at all the same about our loss. I feel so alone. I am still bleeding. Final scan tomorrow morning will show it is all over so I am trying to stay awake to pretend it is not happening. Even managed to fantasize there was a twin as still lactating. Cruel cruel world.

Xiaoxiong Fri 08-Jul-11 11:28:09

Oh Gina I'm so sorry to hear that. Your DH may not be able to talk to you about it or feel the same but please know you are not alone. You too Shyera - please keep posting either here, but also the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board is fantastic with loads of support round the clock or even just a listening ear. Please consider RL support as well as buttonmoon suggests.

I wish you both all the best and unMNlike (((hugs))).

Africagirl1 Fri 08-Jul-11 14:05:45

I'm sorry to hear that Gina. When I decided to terminate all I could explain was that it just did not feel right with the pregnancy. I felt like I'd landed on another planet. When I went to the doc for meds he did a scan and it was very early, but he said it did not look like a normal pregnancy. Perhaps your body was telling you something too?

mamamarsxo Tue 18-Nov-14 14:28:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fertile87 Sat 24-Jun-17 00:10:02

I just found out i'm pregnant with my second child my DD is two. My partner is not as supportive as i would like and he said something dumb like 'your not the first person to be pregnant' and it made me feel like he doesnt appreciate the sacrifces i make. Physically, mentally, and financially. I want another child but timing is super messed up. But i want it for me, i dont want another abortion and if it comes down to it i can do it by myself. Men really do take the piss. I would speak to a psychiatrist i hope i get that option. I think we're possibly on different pages and need to come together! You csn do it, pick it all up and trudge on...

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