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Miscarried last year, pregnant again and too scared to tell anyone.

(15 Posts)
Coldcuppacoffee Thu 09-Jun-11 20:12:02 this really odd?

I am so pleased to be pregnant again after a miscarriage @11wks. I already have one child. I was quite open about my loss as I thought I might be able to help someone later down the line.

I am coming up to my 12wk scan. The NHS wouldn't give me an early scan so I caved in and paid for one at 8.5 weeks and saw a heartbeat, but it was about this time last time that it all went wrong.

Anyway, I have told myself that if I get to the 12 week scan and all is Ok, then I can stop worrying and get on with enjoying the pregnancy and being excited. I feel very positive (last time I was very negative) and very queasy/tired/constipated which are all good signs that I don't need to worry.

Last time, I told people right from the start. This time I have only told a handful of people and I am dreading telling everyone else. I think everyone will be delighted and really supportive, but even with my closest friends in the most intimate situations, I can't bring myself to say something.

Did anyone else feel like this? The reality is that I would need their support more if something were to happen so I don't know what's wrong with me.

GwendolineMaryLacey Thu 09-Jun-11 20:15:56

I'm the opposite. I found it much harder to tell everyone in the same sentence that I had been pg and had lost it. This time I'm not so fussed who knows and am only 10 weeks.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Thu 09-Jun-11 20:19:36

I felt exactly the same. I didn't tell work till almost 19 weeks and only then cause I was scared someone would guess. I certainly wasn't ready to tell. I hadn't told hardly anyone about my mc, if people know they'll be very understanding I'm sure. Most people seemed to assume I didn't know I was pg till really late and that's why I hadn't said anything!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Thu 09-Jun-11 20:19:51

Ps congrats grin

owlbooty Thu 09-Jun-11 20:20:52

Absolutely I felt like that. I didn't tell anyone unless I absolutely had to until about 20 weeks when I couldn't hide it any longer smile

You are not going mad or being strange; you are just being human and if you feel this time round you want to hold back for a bit longer then there is nothing wrong with that at all.

Fingers crossed for the most boring pregnancy ever for you grin

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Thu 09-Jun-11 20:21:04

Oh and I even got got through dd's third birthday party without many people knowing, especially work where it was held!

diddygirl Thu 09-Jun-11 20:23:35

I'm in exactly the same boat as you. I had 2 miscarriages last year and was heartbroken. I'm now 13 weeks and still not everyone knows.

With my DD, now 5 years old, I was shouting it from the rooftops at 7 weeks!

Do you think it's a case of not wanting to count our chickens?

Good luck x

EldonAve Thu 09-Jun-11 20:29:50

It's totally understandable
With DC3 I avoided telling people, some didn't find out til >30 weeks (I wore a big coat!)

Cattleprod Thu 09-Jun-11 20:37:31

I know exactly what you mean. I had a mc at 10 weeks last nov, and got preg again in january. I had 8 weeks of constant bleeding which made the first trimester pretty traumatic.

I too told myself I would feel better after the 12 week scan, and for a week or so I did, until the anxiety started creeping in again. I think having a mc makes you feel more vulnerable to other pregnancy problems so the 12 week scan feels like the first of a long line of hurdles, rather than the safety point. I did find feeling the baby move and kick made me feel more confident (now 20 weeks) as well as having no more bleeding. I'm still dreading the 21 week scan next week though.

I haven't been excitedly telling everyone like I did with DS though. It's taken me a while to get round to thinking that this baby will (all being well) actually be here in a few months. I haven't sorted out baby clothes yet and have only just started thinking about names.

I think you're perfectly normal to feel like you do. It's sad, but a previous mc tends to suck the joy and excitement out of a subsequent pregnancy. You have to force yourself to think positive, and your friends will be the ones who can help you with this.


spilttheteaagain Thu 09-Jun-11 20:43:42

I felt just the same.
I lost my first baby at 20 weeks last year. I am 30 weeks with DC2 this weekend and tomorrow is my last day at work before ML and still most people at work have no idea (neat bump)!

It's bonkers too though because I wouldn't conceal it if I lost this baby either now or earlier, I was very open about losing DD. But I think for me the inability to say anything is down to a total lack of confidence in getting a live baby this time either. I can't say "I'm having a baby in August" because I'm always thinking what if I'm not having a live baby at all?? Also because of this huge fear I've not really got at all excited and it makes me uncomfortable when other people congratulate me and are so pleased and so sure it will be fine. Part of me wants to smack them and scream "how the do you know?! You would have said it would all be fine last time!"

So you are not going mad. Or if you are it appears you have company!

Congratulations and wishing you an uneventual and safe next 6+ months and a screaming baby at the end of it.

PinkFondantFancy Thu 09-Jun-11 21:58:06

I can definitely sympathise with everything expressed on this thread. There's loads of people I still haven't told - I just wait for them to notice the bump (24 weeks now). I think spiltthetea sums up the feeling of being uncomfortable with other people's excitement and blind belief that it's all going to be fine. Congratulations on the BFP and also well done on being so much more positive this time - I really think that's half the battle (and very hard to master if you're as generally pessimistic as me!!)

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Thu 09-Jun-11 22:31:33

Glad I'm not the only whose uncomfortable with congratulations, my leaving date has just been set and people keep saying how exciting but I am not I am nervous, I'm 28 weeks their is still so much that could go wrong. Even ended up with an amnio this tine too, just after I'd finished telling everyone.

Beesok Thu 09-Jun-11 23:49:21

*waves to Cattleprod and Spiltthetea *

Coldcuppacoffee I was in a similar situation, had MMC last Nov at 8 weeks but as I had had a BPF really early I had told a few people by then includ. family - it was just too exciting and although rationally I knew the statistics I strongly believed it was going to be OK, learned my lesson the hard way and when I got pregnant with this bean I didn't want to tell anyone - I waited for a 9wk scan after which I told my parents and in-laws, I phoned my mum and I started crying when she answered the phone blush I couldn't get the words"I'm pregnant" out smile
I only announced after my 12 week scan but kept it low key - i.e. no FB etc and was restraining myself over the first few weeks - was trying to actually not allow myself to consider myself pregnant, I only stopped crying at scans at my 20 wk one smile

There is noting wrong with you smile I think you should tell when you're comfortable and share with people you feel you want to know,
Best of luck for a healthy pregnancy!! smile

Coldcuppacoffee Fri 10-Jun-11 13:44:02

I am always really chuffed to check in and find any responses, let alone lovely ones like these!

And so reassuring to hear that i am not the only one. I feel like if I say it would let some part of the control go.

A friend called last night to say that she had told our group of friends that she was 7 wks pg and I just couldn't bring myself to say "me too".

Spiltthetea, you are is right and put it well. The first time I felt like I was doing this great thing, at one with the earth etc etc and now all I can do is think of all the risks. I know so many more people with sad stories, it's almost as if I was blinkered last time. I don't think I'll get to 30 wks without showing though! I am starting to pop out already (another good sign...)

Don't even get me starting on going through a second labour!

Thanks again ladies, I feel like much less of a freak now!

undertheduvet Fri 10-Jun-11 13:59:04

I had a MMC in june 09 and was pregnant again in October but didn't announce it to the wider world till my 20 week scan. We didn't even tell any family till after the 12 week scan.
I think its entirely reasonable to not want to say anything until you are mentally ready to do it.
BTW my second labour was much easier than the first! managed on gas and air this time, had the full works for the first
Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy

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