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Upset by DP response to finding out the sex

(26 Posts)
NatzCNL Fri 03-Jun-11 19:32:21

Hello,
we found out the sex of our baby yesterday, we are having a beautiful healthy (by what we have seen) baby girl - again.
This is our 3rd baby girl, actually our 4th as we had to end a pregnancy last year due to Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and our angel baby was also a little girl.

Part of me yesterday was ever so slightly upset it wasn't a boy as this will be our last baby and I would have liked to have a son, but on the other side of it, our baby is strong and healthy and there are no concerns for her survival.
DP was quite upset at finding out we were expecting another girl, and was in such a bad mood for the rest of the day. I got very emotional about how he responded and reacted to the news. I know he wanted a boy, so did I, but it's not the end of the world. I understand that he wants another male in the family and a son to carry on the family name. But after the heartache last year, I would have thought he would just be happy as I am that all is ok.

Today he is much more relaxed about it and he apologised for his reaction yesterday. We had a chat about why he was so upset, and I understand his reasons, but I am now in a place where I am convincing myself that he isn't interested in this baby. I tried to suggest we sit down and think of names whilst girls are in bed, but he has engrossed himself in a computer game.

It took him a while to bond with DD2 after her birth because he had convinced himself that she was a boy, so this time around we agreed to find out to stamp out any disappointment on delivery day. But this has now left me quite upset and I just want him to jump up and down and be happy with me. Am I expecting too much?

He adores our daughters and was devesated when we had to let our last baby girl go. He is a lovely and amazing man and I love him to bits, Im just so upset by his reaction

Snuppeline Fri 03-Jun-11 19:36:45

No your not expecting too much. Some families get only girls, some get only boys and some have a mix. Particularly with regards to the heartace of last year he should be more sensitive. But on the other hand he must be allowed to grieve the "loss" of a boy too. I hope he comes around very soon though as you surely need the support in this pregnancy.

ScrotalPantomime Fri 03-Jun-11 19:37:33

I would perhaps not bring it up again for a while - though he's said sorry and acknowledged his reaction was unfair, he may still be reeling. Although of course he should just be happy she's healthy, but in reality he can't help what he feels so he needs a bit of time.

I'm so sorry about your previous loss sad

d0gFace Fri 03-Jun-11 19:38:15

I can understand why you're upset, think its one of those things you have to let go and try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy/baby. You've discussed it, now maybe its time to look foward?

Sorry Im not much help but congrats on a healthy girl.

supadupapupascupa Fri 03-Jun-11 19:40:56

better to get it out of his system now than on the day.....

he's just being honest, but he WILL love this daughter just as much as the others

Spagbolagain Fri 03-Jun-11 19:41:18

His reaction must be sad and upsetting for you sad
To me it sounds that it's a good thing you chose to find out in advance, and now he'll have time to get used to the idea properly before your new DD is born. Although I would be sad and probably a bit cross with him at first, it's just an emotional reaction that he didn't handle well at the time. From what you say, he is a good partner and dad, so he will be with this one too. Give him a few days, now he knows he will surely fall in love with this one as he has with your other 2. Hope it all goes ok.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 03-Jun-11 19:42:23

I think you need to cut him some slack to be honest and not build this into something it isn't. There are loads of posts on here from mums saying they are disappointed after finding out the sex. Very rarely do they get a hard time from other posters and I have never once read a comment about their partner being miffed with them.

NatzCNL Fri 03-Jun-11 19:54:04

Thanks ladies, I am hoping that he comes round to the idea soon. He really is a great dad, and the girls love him. He comes from a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister, and his sister has a lot of boys, so girls are the minority on his side (well they were, but the numbers are rapidly increasing with our brood).

Part of me feels guilty that this one isn't a boy, but it's only a small part. Just wish I could snap him out of the downer he is on and I am sure he will be fine by the big day. Just has put a big downer on me and with hormones all over the place I keep getting quite tearful about it.

TheOriginalFab - thanks for your comment. Not quite the support I was looking for, but entitled to your point of view, if not just a bit aggressive. I wasn't coming on here to give DP a hard time, I have been quite respectful to his reaction in RL and giving him the space he needs, I came on here to talk because I cant talk to him.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 03-Jun-11 20:04:16

I was not aggressive at all.

theonlyhb2 Fri 03-Jun-11 20:08:59

this is why it should be a surprise! you dont care once they are here

lockets Fri 03-Jun-11 20:14:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

d0gFace Fri 03-Jun-11 20:22:34

Does anyone have any interesting links or information about gender disappointment? I did a google search, but couldnt really find much.

Sibella1 Fri 03-Jun-11 22:04:53

Guess what my husband said when we were told the second one was also a girl - I didn't try hard enough to have a boy!!

I told his mother and instead of being sorry for me she felt sorry for him!!

Now we're expecting no 3 and I must say not one of us are very keen on a boy anymore...

chipmonkey Fri 03-Jun-11 22:58:38

NATZ, when I found out ds4 was a boy, I cried my eyes out!blush despite knowing that boys are fabulous, having had three already! I was just so disappointed not to be getting a daughter. However, I did get over it!grin Ds4 is gorgeous and I couldn't imagine being without him and he is different enough from his brothers for me to realise that it really doesn't matter. In a way, I think finding out at a scan wasn't helpful as it's not the same as having a lovely baby to cuddle.

Your dh will get over this and he will love his new dd, I promise.

Dogface you could try in-gender.com but I am not sure it's a healthy site to hang around, tbh. I found that logging on to it made me wallow in my disappointment as there were plenty of people to wallow with me! Apart from the "Rising above Gender Disappointment" section which was much healthier!

meditrina Fri 03-Jun-11 23:03:24

You said you found out so you didn't have to deal with disappointment on the day. It does rather follow from that that there is disappointment to be dealt with. It doesn't mean he won't be a great Dad to another girl, it just means he needs the time now to deal with it.

fifi25 Fri 03-Jun-11 23:07:29

Ive got 3 girls and think its great smile 2 of my friends cant have kids so i am very thankful for them when i see how much they would love to have 1 child. You could go on forever trying for a boy and it might never happen. My kids dad has 5 sisters.

Chynah Fri 03-Jun-11 23:52:09

I always wanted boys but found out at 12 weeks pg (CVS) that #2 was a girl. I was very disappointed and so was DH but now she is 1 and i wouldn't change her for the world.

Ephiny Sat 04-Jun-11 08:32:30

I would agree with others - give him a bit of time to get used to the idea of another girl, and don't make this into a catastrophe when it's more likely just mild disappointment on his part, it doesn't mean he won't be interested in the baby!

And remember it's entirely possible for one of the girls to 'carry on the family name' etc if they choose, and also possible that a boy might not, nothing is set in stone with gender.

NatzCNL Sat 04-Jun-11 09:01:21

Thanks ladies, am feeling much better today. DP seems cherpier too - although at work today, so will just give him some space to get his head around it.

We aren't married so technically I am also carrying my dad's name on, but our girls all have DP surname.

As I said before, part of me was slightly upset that bump wasn't a boy, but I got over that in a few moments, and figured DP would too. But also understand his reasons for being upset. Had another chat yesterday. Feeling more reassured now.

With DD2 it took a long time for him to bond with her and I put that completely down to the fact that she was another girl. But they are as thick as theives now so I know any concern I have about him bonding with this one are unfounded. Just got me in a bit of a mess - bloody hormones!

Have dreamed every night since the scan that baby is really a boy which is not helping because DP is always so happy in the dreams - talk about self torture...! confused

Getting all our girls baby clothes out of the loft next week and I am pretty sure we will both be all gooey over then tiny outfits again smile

OnEdge Sat 04-Jun-11 09:08:26

He is being like King Henry VIII shock

NatzCNL Sat 04-Jun-11 09:10:20

Sibella1 - shock at your DH and MIL! Congratulations on your 3rd pregnancy.

Thanks Fifi, am really excited about a third girl. I too have friends and family that cannot have children so feel truely blessed with our little gifts.

Chipmonkey - DP said that his disappointment wasn't that it was another girl, but that because this will be our last baby, we will never get a son, which got me choked too. I know he will love DD3 and will be great, I understand why he was so upset sad

Thanks to all that have posted

sassy34264 Sat 04-Jun-11 10:13:43

sibella1 all a womans eggs are an X chromosome. the man has X and Y chromosomes. so it is his sperm that decides the gender. not you. id be tempted to tell him his male sperm are too slow!

fulllife Sat 04-Jun-11 17:36:05

i think its completly understandable that he feels a bit upset: i would be upset if i wouldnt get to have a girl! its just natural to want a child of your own gender as you want to pass on your experiences to the child...
also, never say never - who knows, maybe a few years down the line you are up for another child, with these things planning doesnt really work, does it.
anyway, i notice around me that families that have only girls or a majority of girls are often especially close, its really true that daughters make the family. so maybe hes now upset, but years down the line, when all the sons of other families are hardly ever calling their old parents and your daughters are contributing to a rich and close knit family life, he'll probably count his blessings.
also: in terms of continuing the family pride - there usually is a child that takes that responsibility on itself and tries to make daddy proud, he'll get his heir, it'll simply be an heiresssmile

sleepingsowell Sat 04-Jun-11 17:48:23

fulllife I think my DS would be upset to think that 'daughters make the family' hmm

I'm glad that things are a bit better OP and that you can understand where your DP was coming from - I think it's always very hard when you feel you're facing a 'closed door' in life no matter what that is and obviously he's had to come to terms with not having a son. I think he's turned it round quickly and things will be better and better from here on - I can understand why his reaction upset you so much but sometimes in life we can't always cover up our feelings and we do need a little time to come to terms with things.

Straight2Extremes Sat 04-Jun-11 17:58:13

If it's any consolation it is the male that determines the gender of a baby

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