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Help with unplanned pregnancy

(8 Posts)
k4mi Fri 03-Jun-11 13:33:46

Hello,

I am 28 yrs old and 7.5 wks pregnant. I have known for 3 weeks so far. The pregnancy was unplanned but i have always felt i would like a baby / children 'one day'. Unfortunately when i told my partner he reacted very badly saying there was no way we should keep it as was unlplanned, we don't have the money / live in a flat / want to go away and travel again.

We have also had some relationship issues lately and although we are both committed to each other and want to make it work it has been a bit up and down. I have felt like the spark has gone and we have stopped being as initimate etc. We have only been together 18 months and lived together for 10 of those.

After a couple of weeks of shock my partner has come around to the idea of having a baby as he could se how much it was tearing me apart. He keeps saying he didn't want me to do something i would regret for life and it's more important that i am happy to him than anything else. So i started to think (this week) maybe we can have it, started taking my vitamins etc and looking after self properly. He is being very caring.

I still have doubts about the relationship though as in an ideal world i would have liked us to have another year/two and be married and feel stronger than we do. The thing is i know my partner is a wonderful person, i have no doubts he will be a fantastic father and think he will love it when it happens but i can't help feeling scared that because things weren't right before we had this news a baby won't fix it and if anything will make it worse. He is a good person and i think will stand by me but i am worried that we would be doing it for the wong reasons.

So my question is this. Do we choose not to have this baby, work on our relationship and hope to be lucky enough to have a baby in a couple of years when more stable? Or do we proceed and try and work our relationship isues out whilst i am pregnant and hope for the best that it would highlight the positives in our relationship and not the negatives?

Any advice? I am beside myself with worry today and feel so guilty for the baby

Mmmmcheese Fri 03-Jun-11 13:57:57

It sounds to me as if you, personally, want to keep the baby, but you are worried about it affecting your relationship/your partner's reactions. Babies are hard work and can cause relationship problems but they can also bring you much closer together and bring more commitment to the relationship.

It sounds as though after the initial shock he is being very loving and caring. You might find that you being pregnant/this baby actually brings out a softer side in him and also helps you both to focus on your relationship.

I would advise you to try to work things through in the relationship. Would you be interested in counselling or anything like that? Some churches also run a "marriage" course which is also open to non-married couples. My husband and I did one and it is not very "churchy" and was actually a really good place for us to talk (privately - you don't share with anyone else) about the important things that don't come up naturally in conversation. There is also a book you can read together if you don't want to do a course.

I think you should also consider that if you did terminate the baby, it could also have a very bad effect on your reltionship i.e. would you resent/blame him etc.

I hope that helps in some way.

leopardprintmum Fri 03-Jun-11 14:08:25

oh luvvie...i totally understand your situation, infact I posted a similar message!...I am now 13 weeks pregnant with an unplanned baby. My partner had a similarly negative reaction and it set us off on weeks of horrid anguish. We've been together for over 4 years, own a flat together & are engaged! It was only when I calculated I could manage on my own, financially & practically, that I realised I wanted to keep the baby. I relaxed, stopped obsessing over HIS feelings, focused on MY feelings and now we are getting excited about our first scan tomorrow. I'm not going to lie, this pregnancy has been, by far, the biggest test of our usually happy relationship. And the battle is far from over. If you two are communicating clearly & your instincts are to keep the baby, this could be a GREAT thing.....but don't in any way feel pressured by the anti-abortion contingent on Mumsnet....if you feel you are in no position to give this baby a good life, that option is there for a very good reason.

crazyhead Fri 03-Jun-11 14:18:34

My heart goes out to you.

I think it really depends if you have minor worries about your relationship/timings or if there is a fundamental disconnection or unease between you that means the relationship is doomed (for me, I had a few relationships with ‘lovely blokes’ but it wasn’t until a relationship in my 30s that I felt ‘right’ and it was very a striking difference in feeling).

Given the situation, could you maybe go to see a Relate counsellor on your own, or with your partner? (I did this during my 20s and it was massively helpful). It may be right for you to have this child under any circumstances, but it is a huge commitment and you should get as much clarity as you can.

Take care

lilyrose82 Fri 03-Jun-11 16:48:05

I have to share with you what I said to my partner when I told him I was pregnant last year for the first last year! We wasn't planning a baby and it was a big shock. Although he was pretty good with me and kind of accepted it, he kept moaning about how our life would change, money etc. After a few weeks of this I turned round and said 'As Jeremy Kyle would say, if you don't like it then you should have put something on the end of it !!!'. Men forget sometimes that it takes 2 to make a baby!!

I went on to lose that baby and it was actually my partner who wanted to start trying again, so they do change! I lost that baby again, so will wait a little while but we both want this baby now more then anything.

Hope it all works out xx

k4mi Thu 16-Jun-11 10:06:11

Thanks for all your advice. It has been such a tough month. After a lot of anguish i have realised that i personally do want the baby. I feel that i will be a good mum and am ready for it.

I have decided to go ahead. My partner is trying his best to come to terms with it and be supportive...he's still not doing a great job but i appreciate he is trying. I just think i have so many other sources of support through friends and family, and his family that whatever happens with him things (in the end) will be ok. So we will just do our best and i am sure over the next 6 months he will start looking forwards. He has no choice really!

I have looked into the counselling options too and we are going to go to Relate in the next couple of weeks which i think will be good too.

I am just trying to get excited now and start looking forward to what it will be like to be a mum.

Leopardprintmum - How are you getting on?

xx

kri5ty Thu 16-Jun-11 10:17:31

hey hun, im sorry you are having problems

personally i would keep it, you are ready and would only grow to resent him if you didt keep it... It will have come as a shock to him ... more to you... but he was prob worrying as well that you havent been getting on great.
I know this as my partner and i were in a siilar situation, however the baby was planned, and we had started getting on well just before again.

I think if you have a strong network around you then you will do great, fingers crossed you will both work things out, and goin to relate is fantastic!!
but if the worst does happen, in todays world there is no stigma, and i would have no probelms in being a single mum, it doesnt effect baby if as you said he will be a good dad, he still would be... Just realised this doesnt really make much sence and i am waffling hmmm

nunnie Thu 16-Jun-11 10:21:16

Glad you have made a decision you are comfortable with.

I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with an unplanned 3rd pregnancy (my youngest is only 8 months), took me a while to get used to it but I can now say this baby may have been unplanned but is certainly wanted.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

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