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Upset DH can't be bothered to come to 20 week scan

(48 Posts)
Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 10:45:34

I just assumed that he would be coming or taking me. He didn't come to my 12 week which is fair enough as he was working but he has been working from home for the past couple of months and suddenly decided this morning he would be going back into the office therefore won't be coming. I will have to go by myself with our 18 month DD on the bus - great!
I'm just upset really and wanted to rant. Why can't he be bothered?

Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 10:47:08

I'm off out now to take DD out so will be back on later.

Scheherezadea Mon 30-May-11 10:50:58

That's absolutely awful, I would be devastated, and be having some very firm words! We have our 20 week scan on Friday, and DP is very excited about it and keeps mentioning it and what we'll do afterwards (take afternoon off, go for a emal, then on a baby shopping spree, then off to hsi mums to celebrate).

I'd be very miffed, and definately have a talk with him.

mrsmon Mon 30-May-11 10:55:05

How selfish! i would have strong words to say to him also! x hope ur scan goes well smile x

Rootatoot Mon 30-May-11 10:56:03

Ahh, I'm sorry Wottywot. Did he come to the scans for your DD? Sounds like you need to talk to me and get to the bottom of why he isn't coming. Is he very stressed at work or has he got some problem in accepting your pregnancy? Whatever the reasons, you deserve some support. Do you have any family members who would have a chat to him? My Dh's brother has been quite helpful, as he has a little boy. Sometimes guys just feel a bit out of the loop and don't understand what all the scans are all about. I kind of had to explain it to my DH and he was happy to come. It's just he didn't know the ins and outs before. Not sure that could be a reason in your case as you already have a child but talk to him or get someone in family to have a word.

getagoldtoof Mon 30-May-11 10:57:39

Ok, is he afraid? It is a medical procedure after all. My partner was pretty hacked off with scans as each time we went to the epu they would boss him about and tell him where to sit. He became frustrated that he was a spare part. Perhaps this is what your partner is worried about?

The point is, at 20 weeks they are looking for anomolies. If anything looked slightly abnormal, you may need further tests etc - would you need someone there? I think I would, and would ask another adult to come along if he absolutely wouldn't.

TittyBojangles Mon 30-May-11 10:59:27

Not that its any excuse at all, but is there any chance your DH might be avoiding the scan cos he's worried/nervous about it? Like I said, no excuse though. I think you should speak to him and say you'll need him to come with you to look after your DD if nothing else.

paddypoopants Mon 30-May-11 11:00:35

He wants you to go on your own with an 18 month old? What a total arse. If I were you I would tell him that you can't manage an 18 month old as well as the scan and he can look after her if he's not coming himself. You do need to let him know how upset you are. Good luck with the scan!!

ButterflySally Mon 30-May-11 11:03:34

I'd be very p*ssed off, upset and hurt, like scheherezadea. Wild horses couldn't have kept my DP away from the scans so feel sad for you and the baby that your DH doesn't feel the same way. Has he mentioned his feelings toward the baby? Is there something about scans he's scared of? Did he go to the scans of your DD?

I think you need to talk to him and let him know how it's made you feel. I would also want to explore his feelings towards the baby in general and why he doesn't want to go to the scans. I wouldn't let him fob you off with rubbish excuses, either.

LunaticFringe Mon 30-May-11 11:04:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessScrumpy Mon 30-May-11 12:17:53

I would be livid and very sad. My dh loves the scans and I'm so glad he was there when we found out we were expecting twins. It was so out of the blue and a really special memory for us.

I don't think they allow young children to come in for scans in our hospital so I've organised childcare for dd (3) each time. Especially as the 20w scan lasts 30mins - long time for a toddler to sit for.

I'm having scans every fortnight and dh cannot come to the all as he works an hour away so cannot just pop back or use a lunch break. He has however made it to 4 scans so far and is on holiday this Thursday so will come to scan and meet the consultant for the first time.

Is dh happy about pg?

ScrotalPantomime Mon 30-May-11 12:37:46

They may not be able to do the scan properly with a toddler there.

Was this pregnancy planned - is he nervous? Annoyed?

Either way he's being a nob.

Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 13:18:20

Thankyou everyone, I have now asked a girl I recently met here who also has a toddler and she said she would come with me and look after my DD while I went in so thanks to her I might be able to have the scan in peace. I know before (I have also had scans of my legs for other problems) she has cried in the scan and it must be difficult for them to concentrate with a howling toddler!

He has seemed quite happy about the pregnancy,although we havent sat down and talked out it much, he seems to be looking forward to it and I don't think he is afraid as such. He does not seem to get his priorities right though sometimes and often work comes before us. I know he doesnt like hospitals much but who does?

Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 13:20:00

He came to the 20 week scan with my DD yes.

CarolineLou Mon 30-May-11 13:50:59

I think thats terrible! I had an early scan at 7 weeks, my fella took the day off and we have our scan (ill be 13 weeks) on Wed and hes also took the day off. I think thats very odd he doesnt want to come... I don't mean to be so blunt, I just think you should speak to him because I think thats rather sad for you not being with him xxx

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 30-May-11 13:55:02

I wouldn't worry so much about him not coming, but to leave you without the car and with the toddler as well is out of order. My husband came to the 13 week scan, and between car juggling (we only have one, and work in different directions) and faffing around waiting for the prints, it was three hours out of his day. So he's not coming to the 20 week, which is fine, but I told him that in that case he could work from home that day and have the toddler for an hour while I drive down to the hospital.

Yours wants you to catch PT, with the toddler, and go alone? Not on, he's responsible for the pregnancy as much as you are.

Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 14:57:06

Yes Tortoise. Its a bit difficult because we recently moved to the area and I don't really know anyone yet apart from this one lady who has been so nice and kind - really grateful to her.

Icelollycraving Mon 30-May-11 15:09:12

My h hasn't come to anything. He has been v negative about the whole experience frankly along with being terrified of hospitals. He did come into hospital when I had a false alarm. Is your dh worried about having another baby or your health?
Sorry that you are having these difficulties,they may not do a scan with an unsupervised toddler.

Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 15:22:27

I don't think he is worried icelolly, frankly I just think he can't be bothered.
I am starting to wonder though.
He is actually Nigerian but British by birth and has been in the UK for 20 years, he is very westernised iynwim, so I don't know if his background would have anything to do with it, but that won't make excuses for the other times he never does anything with us.
Do you know your h is being negative about it, is it your first?

magicmelons Mon 30-May-11 15:44:47

He should go with you, maybe he hasn't thought it through and isn't aware of what the scan is about.

I don't want to be negative but what if you had to face bad news on your own, i'm sure you won't but, what if.

When i went for my first 20 week scan i hadn't really thought about it much but when the scanner started going through all the bits and saying "babies heart is ok" i got really anxious. Talk to him about this, men just don't get things sometimes.

Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 15:52:13

Thanks Magic, I had also had that run through my mind. I am being consultant led this time because of a previous clotting problems but hopefully we are both doing fine, but like you say you never know.
We were going to find out the sex too, so I would have thought that would be an important moment for us both - I know I can't wait!
I think I should just accept he is not that sort of involved dad I thought he might be - I guess it's just him. I can't 'force' him to do what he isnt interested in doing. Even if he said now he was coming because he knew I was upset it still wouldnt change the fact that he wasn't going to in the first place. He knows what it involves because he went to DD's last time.

Icelollycraving Mon 30-May-11 17:08:58

Hi,sorry fell asleep! He wasn't keen on us actually having the baby tbh. He sees it I think as my decision to go ahead. We have had so many rows & we did almost split up over it. I think it's the entire lifestyle change & responsibility. I chose the baby over him & I think he still can't believe it.
You can't force him to be involved but I can tell you it's hard to forgive.

paddyclamp Mon 30-May-11 17:28:42

My DH didn't come to any of the scans or appointments (although he did come to the antenatal classes)...BUT from when the babies actually arrived to the present day he has been THE most hands on dad in every way!

Wottywot Mon 30-May-11 17:35:00

I know how you feel Icelolly. I guess he would have been quite hapy stopping at one even though he seems happy to be having another. I find it very difficult him not wanting to be involved etc so much to the point that I sometimes feel a little envious of other women whose partners are very hands on. I don't mind him not being that involved in changing nappies, feeding etc....but he just doesnt seem interested in ever doing anything with us as a family. I think he also sees it as my decision and my department to look after them. It will also inevitably have an effect on the DC's as they are growing up I think.
Paddy DH was good for a few weeks after the birth, I think he felt chuffed and proud to be a dad but I guess the novelty wore off! sad

oinkyoink Mon 30-May-11 18:31:55

Poor you wotty I would be very annoyed if my DH didn't come to the 20 week scan. And on top of that you say he doesn't do very much with you as a family? That must be very hard for you, but as you say there is little you can do. I grew up with a dad who was the exact same and now I am married to a lovely man who is very involved with our children. It is only now that I have children that I feel so sorry for my own mum who did everything with us on her own. She was very strong, I don't know how she did it. Good luck for everything!

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