Want baby 2 - gonna cause agro

[kat1885]

Hi, my DH and I really want baby number two.

My parents are totally against the idea, my friends are struggling to conceive baby 1, my SIL is currently pregnant, there are 2 women already pregnant on my team in work and we don't have masses of money (but would cope fine with 2).

I am one of those people who tries to please everyone and struggles with people not liking me (how needy do I sound) - by that I mean family and friends which are pretty much family.

We are TTC, however, we can't tell ANYONE close to us which is never nice and when we do conceive I am more worried about telling everyone than going through labour and birth!

I am in no way saying this will stop me from having another child as I know it is mine and my DH decision only, no-one else's, however, does anyone have any advice on what to do in this situation?

[buttonmoon78]

Ok, whilst your friends are trying to conceive and you may get there first, it may well hurt them but they'll still be pleased for you. It's not like you're going to rub their nose in it!

Work will have to lump it. You work to live not live to work.

I fail to see why it affects your pg sil or your parents at all! Do they provide childcare for you or something?

Other than MN I have never told anyone if we were ttc. But then I never told anyone we were pg until 12wks+.

[KatieWatie]

Like buttonmoon I don't understand why your parents have such an influence, unless you're 14 which I'm guessing you're not if you're married , or if you are heavily reliant on them for childcare (but they could always refuse)

Similarly why does it matter what work think? Women get pregnant - the fact there are 2 already pregnant on your team is neither here nor there, you don't have to time your body clock round other people's!

People are going to think what they're going to think regardless, if they fall out with you over you getting pregnant (which would be bizarre, tbh!) then they'll fall out with you over anything, so are you really that bothered? Just do what YOU and your DH want

So I'm not sure what advice you are looking for other than carry on doing what you are already doing :)

[kat1885]

I'm 25 so no, not 14. Maybe you don't understand but it's hard not having your parents be supportive. They don't provide childcare but I do live next door to them so it's going to be hard if they are totally against it.

My friends would be happy but part of me feels guilty if I get pg with number 2 when they are trying so hard for number 1. It took me a year to conceive my son which I have said to them so they don't worry, it is also taking it's time this time. They talk to me all the time about how it gets them down but the last time I said "it could take me a while for number two" the answer I get is "at least you have one". I DO agree, however, makes me less inclined to say we are giving it a go.

You are both right it's no-ones business other than me and DH, but if you said you were TTC OR PG (as obv wouldn't tell work until actually PG) and all you got back was negativity, how would you feel and deal with it - that's the advice I wanted :)

[buttonmoon78]

Why are they so totally against it though? Did you have problems with dc1?

I think you just have to get on with it. If your parents are such a bundle of negativity about this, what else? And your friends will understand. Having a hypothetical discussion about ttc is one thing. Telling them you are pg in another and they'll see that.

[kat1885]

Yea I had OC with my first. I have already seen a doctor who said I'm fine to TTC but I will just have close monitoring and prob be consultant led.

My parents just never wanted to be grandparents, they were awful when I said I was PG with number 1 and said never have another. They make everything about them rather than see things from another point of view - can't choose your parents though ha! (PS my mum is great with my DS and was even there for the birth so she came around, my dad loves him too but still stick by only have one child)

[buttonmoon78]

Ok. I understand now. It's natural for any parent to worry esp if you've had a previous issue. But you have that covered.

However, they just sound v selfish. Being a grandparent is not their choice. If they really never wanted to be a grandparent then they should never have had children because that was the only choice they had any right to make. Telling you not to have children is not on.

Personally, I think that children benefit from siblings so you have a clear choice. Do what is best for your parents or do what is best for your ds.

Now I understand, I have a little more sympathy! Good luck.

[thisisyesterday]

the only advice I can give you is to be very blase about it and very positive when you talk about it

don't hide it from anyone if you don't want to. if you get a negative response then simply say "this is my family and my decision, if you can't say anything nice then please don't talk to me about it"

you ought to be able to have a bit of happiness around you when you're having a family... and if all you get is negatives then just tell them where to stick it!

if your in-laws are nice then you can share all the joy with them!

[Mizza76]

Your parents had their chance to make their choices in life when they established their family. Now it's your turn. The number of children you have is none of their business (unless they are supporting you financially or something) and they have to recognise that their choices are not necessarily yours. I would just talk about it very positively - setting the tone - and make it really clear to them that you are happy and expect them to be happy for you.
As for your friends, you can't not have another baby because other people are struggling to conceive. They will probably all end up with a baby and will be happy for you as well.

[redvelvetmooncupcake]

Why does the number of kids you have affect your parents? Why are they against you having another? It's YOUR life, not theirs, they've had their go at childrearing and it's none of their business really. They don't sound very nice, can you move?

Your friends may be the centre of your world now but believe me you never know with friends. The ones I truly thought would always be there for me when I was 25 are now history :(

[eurochick]

I agree with the others who say don't worry about what friends and work think. I very much doubt that your friends are planning their family around you and that if your team was no longer financially viable or something, they wouldn't hesitate to get rid of you. And your parents need to realise this is not their decision to make! I would suggest that you could probably do with a bit of distance from your parents. Maybe put a few miles between you when you are ready to move house!

G'luck with TTC.

[redvelvetmooncupcake]

Sorry OP, just read that back and it comes across a bit harsh. I think you should move when you can though, otherwise what if they try and control your DC like they're doing to you? Make your own family!

[EdwardorEricCantDecide]

what is OC?

i agree that you should continue as your are doing when you fall pg tell everyone with the biggest smile anyone who isn't happy for you i'd just avoid them, obviously if friends still haven't fell pg by then a bit more sensitivity around them.

[sleepybump]

Whatever happened to being married/common-law and just having sex and seeing what happens?! I know there are times when people want to wait to have children (and moments just after when you might want to wait a little for the next possible!) but it's beyond me why anyone wouldn't think someone who was married=they may get pregnant at any time! I really think there should be no negativity associated with 'trying to concieve'. For people who are married/common-law, pregnancy may happen a number of times or very few/not at all, that's just life :) It's perfectly natural and it shouldn't take anyone by surprise!

What I am trying to say is: Don't think you need to justify yourself because you don't! Of course, you may be a little gentle about telling your friend if you get pregnant again (and it sounds like she is being honest, perhaps a little too blunt, about being a little jealous - but that is going to happen and I am very sure she will ultimately be pleased for you and do the same herself if she could)

Unsupportive parents? I think most people here agree with me when I say: very odd. I think you are just unlucky with that one - enjoy your marriage and give your little-one a sibling if that's what you want to do :)

[kat1885]

Thanks all, you are telling me what deep down I know. My in laws are fab and will be excited for us when we have another. My MIL provides one day of childcare so if anything it's more her business than my mums and she is happy when the time comes.

I agree about siblings. I am part of a step family (we don't class it as step as all memebers only see this family and not the other parts, ie I don't see bio dad, sister doesn't see bio mum anymore) but my mum only had me. I grew up as an only child, boy did my life get better when mum and dad married and I had my sister and brother in my life.

[grumblinalong]

My parents, siblings and best friend all had quite a negative reaction when I told them I was pg with DC3 - all for various reasons that had more to do with their own issues rather than mine. When I told my dad and brother both said 'Oh no'. At the time I was upset (especially as I was in hospital at the time seriously ill) but I just thought to myself 'The only person I need to be supportive is DH' and he was, so I was fine. My body, my baby, my family= nobody else's business really.

DH & I are the ones who will have complete responsibility for the child both financially & emotionally and if we are happy with that then it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks does it? Just stay steadfast and confident that it is your life and you are best placed to make decisions about your family and if other people are projecting their issues on to you, well, that's there problem isn't it.