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Are can I tell my good news to friends who are going through fertility issues?

(17 Posts)
Nanny01 Tue 24-May-11 18:19:24

I found out that I have another surprise bump on the way baby no5. Though it has been a shock I am so pleased. We plan to tell our friends and family at 12 weeks but 2 couples have been trying one had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 10 weeks and the other couple the lady has no eggs of her own so is using donor eggs and ivf which I know hasn't worked this cycle. If it wasn't for this I would just post a scan photo on face book with the caption surprise. What do you ladies think would be the best way of giving this news. The lady who had the miscarriage is my friend since we were teenagers. I supported her through the aftermath so know how devastated she was.

yousankmybattleship Tue 24-May-11 18:23:42

I would definitely tell them personally rather than doing a big ta-da on Facebook. As someone who had many failed attempts at IVF before I finally struck lucky with DD1 I can assure you that good news is good news whatever your own situation. Lots of my friends and family got pregnant while I was struggling with fertility issues and I HONESTLY never felt anything but happiness when they told me. Oh - and congratulations!!

sarahbeth2 Tue 24-May-11 18:38:30

Odd one as my one friend whilst being happy for us was very upset too, she said she couldnt even watch things on tv about it and we lost touch with her for a while. Another friend going through adoption at the moment is the opposite. I told them i was pregnant and said i hoped they were ok etc and they were like, we are fine why wouldnt we be, we get to choose our kids etc. To be honest they made me feel a bit insensitve for asking if they were ok about it. Difficult one, just be open and honest i guess ;)

KatyN Wed 25-May-11 16:47:49

I waited to tell any close friends until 12 weeks because I didn't want to tell my friend who was struggling to concieve before then (incase anything went wrong).
I told her over the phone when I knew her husband was at home because I wanted her to have someone to cry/rant to. Because we live a far way apare and normally meet up without partners if I'd told her face to face she'd have had a long journey home on her own.
That said she's been AMAZING. she's really excited for me. I've worked pretty hard at making sure I'm up to date on her life so that we don't only talk about the baby.
we rarely mention her fertility so I didn't ask if she was alright about it (not much either of us could do).

NewMummy5July2011 Wed 25-May-11 17:59:18

My SIL has had numerous miscarriages trying for a second baby and can't be around children or pregnant women so it was hard to tell her. We also told her over the phone on a day when we knew her husband was home so she would have support and wouldn't be in a situation where she would have to leave the room or get away. We also waited until 12 weeks to tell her. While she was happy for us she told us she can't be around us / see us / speak to us until she is ready. We text each other now but that's as far as it goes.

Just realised this isn't the most positive response but everyone reacts differently and I'm sure your friends will be fine with the news. Hope it goes well.

Nanny01 Wed 25-May-11 20:55:20

yes think I will do it personally. before I tell the rest just really nervous about it

H007 Wed 25-May-11 22:17:01

I had the same issue the day I got my BFP I friends 3rd IVF had failed sad after chatting to some people on here I decided to text that whole group of friends asking if anyone was free to babysit in 6 months ;) ;) Although this wasn't the way I'd ideally want to tell me friends I decided that it didn't make a fuss of it and allowed my friend with fertility problems to deal with it in her own way before being forced to see me face to face and force a smile or whatever! It actually worked out really well, and Im glad I did it this way smile

CBear6 Wed 25-May-11 22:29:18

Tell then personally, over the phone or face to face.

I miscarried my first after three years of trying and not long after that SIL accidentally got pregnant. We were told by MIL via text message with the words "no one wanted to tell you in case you went mental". SIL being pregnant was no big deal to me, being told in that way was and made me feel like some sort of unstable freak.

There's no telling how they will react however the thing that will make a difference is how they're told.

Congrats on your pregnancy smile

Beesok Wed 25-May-11 23:12:11

I think I'm the only one here who is against the whole telling personally and making a fuss smile...I can only speak from my own experience - I didn't struggle with fertility issues but did have a MMC at 8 weeks (and had told a few people about it) and it was a difficult thing to go through but I would have hated someone making a fuss and calling me to tell me - I think it would have been a bit awkward for me at the time to actually have that conversation - would have much preferred an email/txt that would allow me to "react" in private.
I guess it all depends on the type of person they are but in general I wouldn't put people on the spot - just announce it in a way that gives them "space".

DuelingFanjo Wed 25-May-11 23:17:02

I used to think face to face was best but then having had my own fertility problems I think a phonecall/email is sometimes better as it means the person you are telling doesn't have to quickly gather themselves and act all happy for your sake when all they really want to do is cry. However if they are really good friends only you can judge what might be best. Also if they are very good frineds it should be ok for you to acknowledge their fertility issue while telling them. Keep communication channels open.

CBear6, that is awful shock at your MIL!

duffybeatmetoit Wed 25-May-11 23:47:38

When I got my BFP, I had a colleague (younger than me) who had been trying unsuccessfully for a baby for many years and I told her before everyone else so that she was prepared when it became common knowledge. She was thrilled for me and said it gave her hope.

I unfortunately went from having DD to going through the menopause so can't have more DCs despite desperately wanting another. Now if someone was to tell me they were expecting I would be happy for them, knowing how much that BFP means. I think it is good to tell people with fertility issues seperately so that they can adjust in their own time and give them the space to do so if they need it.

Congratulations and best wishes for No.5

BagofHolly Thu 26-May-11 00:09:33

I agree with Beesok and DF. I'd rather have had an upbeat email and have the chance to read it and scream at the screen, and then compose myself, than have to hold it together face to face or on the phone. I'd also counsel about making any big deal about it to your friend - she wants her baby, not yours, if you see what I mean. Don't shut her out in any way, or tread on eggshells - it's well-meaning but makes things much much worse in my experience.
My bestest friend waited till well after her 12 week scan to tell me, to "protect" me in some way, but what she actually did was shut me out of the most important thing in her life, for the sake of potential awkwardness.
Congratulations and very best of luck! X

Shuang Thu 26-May-11 03:35:57

First of all congratulations on the precious BFP!

I am on the side of no-fussy group email/text thing rather than a personal announcement and think to single out certain friends to prepare them for the news can appear patronising if not handled sensitively. but yeah of course you know your friends best to decide the proper way. real friends will be happy for you despite their own tinge of jealousy.

Enjoy your pregnancy!

graciousenid Thu 26-May-11 09:33:55

when I was having a hard time (IVF, recurrent & late miscarriage) I preferred an email ... meant that I could get the 'ouch' over with then reply appropriately in my own time. Being put on the spot with a face to face or 'phone announcement was horrendous.

I'm in the opposite position now (friend has had an awful awful time recently) & I know that my announcement (which is very late - I have such a bad history that I generally don't tell anyone much until baby arrives) is going to cause her pain & I hate that, there isn't really anything you can say that won't make it hurt sad

starkadder Thu 26-May-11 10:07:22

I've had 4 early MCs and I can honestly say that I have genuinely only been happy at news that my friends were pregnant during that time.

It can be hard though, when people are either overly sympathetic (makes you feel like a freak) or overly blase (telling you with confidence too early, as if they had forgotten that miscarriages can happen to anyone).

I'd maybe go with a personal email as well, rather than facebook or a phone call.

Cattleprod Thu 26-May-11 10:17:29

I'd email them, then follow it up with a phonecall/invitation to meet up a few days later if you haven't heard back from them and it seems appropriate.

To be honest I wouldn't do the scan picture/surprise!! announcement on Facebook either, or if you do, send it as a message to specific friends. Unless you are very picky with your FB friends, you will probably have old school friends, work buddies, casual acquaintences on there and you will have no idea if any of them have fertility issues, or have had recent mmcs or found out their baby has died or has severe problems at a scan. Scan pictures are very emotive.

Nanny01 Sat 28-May-11 00:14:58

So nervous but not telling any one for another 4 weeks. I think it is because that I have had 4 healthy children that I am aware that things do go wrong. One of my old friends can't have any more but she is in that place where she has moved on and will be ok. My friend who has had the mc recently will struggle as I know that she had wanted to have another and it had been difficult as she had to come of anti depression meds to do it so is really low. The other couple I just can only imagine the sadness of being newly married and expecting it's going to happen and then finds out that she has no eggs at 30. I guess what I am trying to say is that because I have my children I am all to acutely aware of the lose of either a pregnancy or the chance. Each pregnancy I always know that during my journey to parent hood I see the sadness of others. I haven't been through it myself but felt the sadness that our little ones won't grow up together.

Thanks for you support on my quest to deal with this sensitivity on this issue. I feel that I will email certain people first, haven't decided on the words yet as I am struggling to strike a balance between our excitement and their feelings. It is because I care that I am taking time to get it just right. On the other hand my parents and the mil will have to lump it wether they want another grand child or not. I want to be sensitive as in the last few years we ourselves experienced the loss of a parent through cancer and the dx of our eldest child when he was 3 with Autism. We often felt with each thing that people either excluded us in the case of the Autism (even ds1's God Parents) and with the cancer people avoided talking to us. Thanks again

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