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newly pregnant, scared, and can't stop crying..

(49 Posts)
beannachd Wed 13-Apr-11 20:43:04

Hi there,

I'm a bit emotional, so please bear with me. I've just found out on Monday that I am pregnant. Although it was something I thought wanted, now it has actually happened, I am absolutely terrified.

I keep bursting in panicky tears, I can;t stop. I am scared to look in any baby books. I'm almost in denial. I had no idea it would be like this. I thought I'd be happy snd excited, but I'm not.

I feel disgusted and I don;t understand why. I have an awful mirror right opposite the shower, and now I can;t look at myself naked. I have started showering in dark, or the curtain wrapped round or my back to it...ridiculous I know.

I know many people are in worse of positions than me. For a start I'm 33, my boyfriend is very happy, excited and so supportive. My close family are the only ones who know and are all thrilled to bits. Its just me, I am terrified. I don;t know if I can do this. I'm scared of everything. Of my body changing, giving birth, being a mum...I guess just the unknown.

I know I sound like I'm overreacting, but this is how I honestly feel. My first reaction was that I wanted a termination...please don't judge me. It was a knee jerk reaction. I do still think that I do on low points, but I think it would be for the wrong reasons.

I have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow hopefully. Do you think they will be helpful? even finding out how far gone I am scares me. I'm just a bit of a mess and falling to bits. I am honestly trying to think positive. I do like babies, I am trying to think of all the fun, wonderful times I will have ahead of me. But it just comes down to the fact I can't associate pregnancy and me.

I just wonder if this is normal. I watch Jeremy Kyle I see how badly others have it. Why is it they can do it and I am having a major wobble. Has anyone else felt like this? do you think it will get better, because I can't imagine how i can cope with for 9 months

Please help if you can.

Thank you x

lizandlulu Wed 13-Apr-11 20:53:29

no advice i am sorry, but i hope you feel better soon and find someone to talk to about how you feel, i am sure the doctor will be helpful and sypmathetic. just tell them what you have said on heresmile

Kerri1983 Wed 13-Apr-11 20:58:56

Hi bennachd,

Becoming pregnant sets you off on a huge emotional rollercoaster. Your hormones are all over the place and I am sure every mum to be has doubts no matter how big or small.

I think you should really talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you are feeling?

Take one day at a time, I am sure you will adjust, even though it is something you wanted, actually getting pregnant can still be a massive shock.

I don't really have any experience of what you are going through but I have my fair share of down days.

I am here if you want to chat, sending you big hugs and hope someone will be along with some more advice soon.

Kerri xxx

VeronaH Wed 13-Apr-11 21:03:35

hi there,

i felt exactly the same when i had my first baby, could not stop crying and was terrified mostly because i kept thinking of the labour, it will pass believe me but it might take a couple of weeks, so be too hard on yourself. when you feel ready try and read what to expect when your expecting a friend bought it for me and i found it a great help, also dont be afriad to mention this to your doctor. it is a life changing thing having a baby so its only natural to be nervous and a bit scared. dont worry you will be fine. keep your chin up xx and congratulations. oh and once you start telling people too that helps it sink in more and make it more real and will also help you feel better.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Wed 13-Apr-11 21:05:26

It will get better, honestly. Nine months is a long time in which to get used to pregnancy, the changes in your body, the prospect of becoming a mother and the reality of having a baby. Whereas there seems to be the social pressure to be instantly delighted about being pregnant, many women don't feel that way... and if you do a bit of searching through the archives of this board, you'll find many women expressing feelings very similar to yours.

When I first found out I was pregnant with DD, I was absolutely terrified, and convinced that I would never cope. She's 16 months old now and the absolute centre of my world, beyond any way I have of expressing it.

So I'd encourage you to keep posting about how you feel, and try and find kind and reassuring people to whom you can talk in real life. (And stay away from Jeremy Kyle. It isn't real life... it's exploitation of the vulnerable and/or stupid, and will never help you feel better about yourself!)

PrincessScrumpy Wed 13-Apr-11 21:23:07

Just remember that your body has a lot to deal with and the early weeks see your hormone levels shooting up so that is always going to have an affect.

Having a baby is life changing (but wonderful IMO). Talk to someone about it and write down your worries. Maybe looking at the specifics will give you a focus and you can work out how to overcome your fears.

Despite what all the books say - all babies need is to be warm, dry, fed and cuddled.

Like with any life change, things seem uncertain. I always loved seeing how the baby was developing inside me (www.babycentre.co.uk) but the books and mags weren't so helpful - bit too preachy for me.

Good luck and look after yourself. x

MonkeeMummy Wed 13-Apr-11 21:29:40

Hi Bennachd,
Just wanted to send you hugs, too. Kerri and VeronaH are totally right and it is completely normal to feel scared of being pregnant even if it's something that you really wanted. I am really glad that your boyfriend is being supportive and I'm sure your doctor will understand, too, so don't be afraid to tell him/her how you're feeling. Your body is going through some changes and it may take your mind a couple of weeks to catch up. Just keep telling yourself it's the hormones (because it is the hormones) and be kind to yourself.

G1nger Wed 13-Apr-11 21:36:51

Yes, tell your doctor. And do bear in mind that the hormones do crazy things to us all. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have reactions like yours x

Vix1980 Wed 13-Apr-11 21:45:28

Hiya hun,

I just had to reply to this cos about 2 weeks ago it was me writing this exact same message, i was fine at first then after 2 days decided to look at the price of a pram and completely lost it and freaked myself out, from then though i got great advice on here and took it 1 step at a time, looking at little things to begin with to try and build up the excitement.

Let me tell you the 1st week i have never cried so much, dont know whether it was hormones or the trip to mamas and papas to see their prices thats did it, but i eventually couldt cry anymore, i ended up going alone to asda and looked at the baby clothes, if i was scared i could just walk out but to be honest once you start looking and you just go with the nerves you'll come round, its not obviously just the clothes but the whole package of what it brings for you, it is a wonderful and exciting new time in your life, its just scary now cos its still a huge shock to you,i promise in a few weeks you'll be a pro on these boards dishing advice out to all the other newly pregnant people freaking out, and wondering if you were ever like that.. enjoy getting spoilt for the next few months, i wish you all the luck in the world xx

beannachd Thu 14-Apr-11 19:11:02

Thank you all so much for your advice. I'm in tears right now as I write, but that's normal. I'm going to see the doc tomorrow. We've booked a double appointment. Its starting to take a strain on my boyfriend and I now. I keep talking about termination as I just don;t think I can do this. As you can imagine he is upset at me saying this. I know I'm being a horrible person, but I'm just so scared and emotional, that it seems like something that will take all this away, and mean I don;t have to deal with reality almost. I know its awul.

We went into John Lewis and totally freaked out too. I felt guilt that everything was so expensive as you said, and I can;t afford the 'best' for my baby. My OH tried on one of those baby bjorn thins and got in such a muddle with it, I felt so useless.

My boobs are so painful that I have to wear my day padded underwired bra to bed so they stop moving about when I roll over. I tried to find a night bra, but just don;t know where to start. I just feel miserable, I feel there is something wrong with me because I am just losing it. I can;t be happy. Other people in worse positions than me can cope better than me. I feel its only me that is taking things so badly. I feel so miserable and over emotional that I don;t think I can handle this for much longer. And neither can my boyfriend. Maybe I've a bit of depression, maybe the doctor will be able to help in some way or refer me somewhere, I don;t know.

I feel that everyone else that I've told is over the moon about it, but I don't feel ready, and its all my fault because I thought I was. Thank you everyone for your advice. I really do appriciate it. Thank you.

xx

G1nger Thu 14-Apr-11 19:15:40

I'm really sorry you're struggling, and I very much hope you get through it all soon. Re sleeping in a bra, try a support vest - they're what I use and are very comfy. x

AllTheYoungDoods Thu 14-Apr-11 19:21:04

The tears are totally normal. IN the past week I have cried
a) because it's sunny and I can't go outside
b) becuase it's raining and I have to go outside
c) at DIY SOS blush
d) at the News (most nights)
e) at falling over in the park walking the dog
f) because I'm upset with myself for crying all the time and feeling pathetic grin

Early pregnancy sucks. You can't celebrate it because it feels so tenuous, and then you pretty much instantly start feeling crap. I'm nearly 9 weeks and have absolutley no maternal feelings towards 'the baby' at all, because there is no evidence of a baby. Just some bonkers hormones that make my boobs hurt, cry, and throw up all the time. It's like gastric flu with added stress. If you're not sleeping properly (I haven't been since day 1), then that will be making you feel extra-tearful too.

Do everything you can to make life easy on yourself. Sleep whenever possilble. Take folic acid and eat healthily, but ignore the books for a while. Do NOT go near maternity departments!

frakyouveryverymuch Thu 14-Apr-11 19:22:41

Mothercare do fab night bras - very soft and comfy.

Good luck. It is terrifying and there's a lot of rubbish out there you don't need for baby so just get what you think you need and can afford. Baby doesn't care if it's wearing George by Asda or Baby Dior really.

G1nger Thu 14-Apr-11 19:26:04

Alltheyoungdoods is absolutely right. The first trimester is sucky. Try to think about that and ask yourself if you think your responses are hormonal or something else. A certain amount of fear is normal too (I haven't got there myself; I wonder if it's coming...). But you wait - you both wait - until your first scan when you see the tiny little person in there moving about. The maternal feelings will kick straight in, if only for the duration of that scan. It is truly an amazing feeling.

MissBetsyTrotwood Thu 14-Apr-11 19:29:01

The doctor/midwife will give you the basics. All you need to know right now. Avoid the books until you feel better. The first trimester for me was by far the worse, in every one of my pregnancies. I got signed off from work with DS1 eventually - for a fortnight while I just got myself together a bit more.

Eat. Sleep (as much as possible.) Be good to yourself. And get to the doctor and be honest with them!

Good luck.

Albrecht Thu 14-Apr-11 19:31:22

Stop comparing yourself to others, ok? Because if you get in the habit it will drive you crackers once you have a baby. Your experience is your experience.

And you have plenty of time for shopping (and don't get a baby bjorn anyway!)

I think this is really common, thinking you are ready and then whoosh. Don't put too much pressure on yourself just yet. It is a big deal so it is a good sign you are freaked out imo.

frakyouveryverymuch Thu 14-Apr-11 19:36:20

Mmmmm not sure about maternal feeling at first scan - it looked like a weird alien blob to me and I was more freaked out than loving. 2nd scan is better as it actually looks like a baby and 3rd trimester scan if you have one is amazing.

It's normal to be scared and freaked and unsure but the love does come.

G1nger Thu 14-Apr-11 19:39:09

Maybe I just had a really clear first scan, then... Mine looked just like a miniature person, when I was expecting a jellybean. I have my next scan in three weeks and can't wait.

beannachd Thu 14-Apr-11 19:57:57

I've literally just found out that a close friend of my boyfriend and I are expecting too. Now I've calmed down, this makes me feel a little bit better. Less alone I guess. I hope that will help too. x

G1nger Thu 14-Apr-11 20:11:11

I'm glad to hear that, beannachd. Do you have any siblings who've had children yet? I must say, I'd be panicking if I hadn't watched my sister raising her two girls over the past five years. But she worked it all out, and you will too x

beannachd Thu 14-Apr-11 20:21:57

Thank you again so much. The more I read, the more I see that I'm not alone. Alltheyoungdoods, I think you summed it up perfectly, there is no evidence apart from awful hormones. And Albrecht, you are so right about comparing myself to others. I'm really bad for worrying what people think too. I will def work on that.

I probably should not have gone into John Lewis baby dept too. I thought I'd end up becoming all gooey, but freaked out at the price of everything and started bawling. I had to get a taxi home...even though it was a 10 min walk!

Miss betsy, I'm in bed as I type this, fell asleep at 6pm and haven;t moved!
frakyouveryverymuch I will look into that bra. I don't think we have a mothercare where I live, but I'll check the website.

Thanks again everyone, I've calmed down loads reading your responses. xxx

G1nger Thu 14-Apr-11 20:25:11

Also, do you realise how many baby things get given between mothers on places like Freecycle, or between friends/relatives, or also how cheap things go for on Ebay? Forget John Lewis...! x

beannachd Thu 14-Apr-11 20:37:18

Hey GInger, I'm the first in my immediate family. We are fairly small, so this is a pretty big deal! everyone is thrilled and my mum has been brilliant. My nan too, even if she is old school. My sis doesn;t want kids for a while. She is more a career gal.

So that's probably why its more daunting!

georgethecat Fri 15-Apr-11 11:15:22

beannachd I had to reply when I saw your post because that was me at 5 weeks when I found out....totally.....I could have written every word!
like you I freaked, I also am 33 in a relationship, wanted a baby. I told myself I couldn't cope and I started considering a termination. I found the whole thing completely overwheming didnt sleep for about a week and went a bit mental. I turned up at the doctors twice just to cry and freak out at them, I even phoned NHS direct just to tell them I couldn't sleep! what I expected them to do I don't know hahahaha.
How have I got through it? I have taken one day at a time and remebered my mums advice - 'you are not alone in doing this'. Thats not just your partner but your family and your healthcare team. Its ok to be frightened and overwhelmed and allow yourself time to adjust. I found that my brain was trying to cope with it all at once - buying baby things, the birth, coping with a crying baby, a stroppy toddler, an even stroppier teenager. Don't think too far ahead, just focus on the first stage - booking appt & scan. Also it sounds weird but take a few days off from being pregnant - don't google, don't mumsnet (soz mumsnet), don't read pregnancy books, go have a nice day with friends/OH.
If this is what you want, you will get through this hormone freak out stage. I have now got my scan on Monday and am looking forward to knowing my baby is ok and considering I was so freaked that I was willing it to fall out at week 6 is a big difference. I have brought a relaxation CD which is specifically for pregnancy and has a lot of positive visualisation techniques to help you bond with your baby - I am finding that helpful. Also I speak to my baby and tell her how I feel - Just remember - ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!

beannachd Fri 15-Apr-11 16:03:50

Hi George,
Thanks for sharing your experience and that you can also relate to me. Today hasn't been great to be honest. I got a double appointment with a doctor, the surgery book a woman doctor. But she didn't help me at all. I sat there crying and she said I should have made an appointment with the midwife. There were just lots of awkward silences, me crying. It was just awful.

She gave me a book which is useful, I even managed to have a look at the baby as it is now. Then she gave me the number for the midwife. I called and found out it was the wrong number. So I was given another number which was to arrange the 1st visit and the scan. They asked me where I wanted to have the baby and I had no idea. There was no numbers for councelling or anything like that. It was only for booking appointments. Then I got the number for the midwife I am being referred to, but she wasn;t there. The lady did give me an appointment for Monday. I'm so afraid my midwife won;t be nice. I thought the doctor would be nice, but she wasn;t. I don;t think I can cope if someone else is too brisk and not even a little sympathetic.

I'd love to switch off, but I'm so scared its all I can think of. I can;t switch off. The way I feel right now is that I just want my 'old life' back. I'm worried people will start to lose patience with me because I am so up and down. I just want to feel happy again, as I feel miserable just now.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me though, it does help to read that I am not alone in feeling like this.

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