Unplanned 4th pregancy. In turmoil.

[Suzie3]

SO having decided that we absolutely don't want any more children (started taking bags of stuff to Oxfam), I discovered two days ago that I am pregnant with number four.
I felt totally shocked. My children are 6, 4 and 18 months, and both me and my husband were really looking forward to the next stage, and enjoying having our lives back a little. I am 36 - so not really very young anymore either - although not too old either I suppose (although I sometimes feel it!)

I sobbed and sobbed when I found out. I just felt so exhausted by the prospect, and as though I couldn't summon the energy and excitement to do it all again.
By the time my husband got home though, I was already starting to feel a bit more positive.

He is totally negative and just says "I'm so sorry, I just can't". I feel really sorry for him, but I think now we are in different places. I have made an appointment with an abortion clinic, to "discuss our options" but really, I feel that I just couldn't go through with this.

I know that he would, if it were up to him though. And i do respect his thoughts on this.
I feel backed into a corner. I don't feel that I can have a termination, not really , without feeling like i will always regret it, and blame him. On some level I have started seeing this as something that was somehow meant to be. I am one of four, and I have to say that I think it's a great number. BUT I had totally decided that our family was complete, and I was happy with it, and looking forward to the next stage. I feel worn out. Will I be able to do another 2 years of weaning, nappies, sleepless nights and "the wheels on the bus".

I think that really, I have made my decision, and that I want to have this baby. But I really need to get my DH on board too. He's an amazing father, and I just couldn't face a fourth child without his support.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Or have you been before? What happened and how did you work it out?

Would love to hear from you x

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Hi I have not been in the same position but when I was 15 I had a termination even though I felt I couldnt do it because my mum would kick me out if I didnt all I can say is having a termination you dont want is not easy to do I ended up with severe pychological problems as a result and my mother has never forgiven herself for the extent of my problems even though logically it was the best choice the price was too high.

If you dont feel you can terminate I strongly advise against it. I suggest giving your partner time, and either way he should have a vasectomy if he is that against having another sorry wish I could be more help.

[herethereandeverywhere]

Give him time. I have a close friend who went through exactly this including appointments at the abortion clinic but she couldn't bring herself to terminate.

Her husband didn't speak to her for a month and took even longer to get used to the idea...but he did get there. And now they wouldn't be without number 4 and it's as if those early days never happened. Follow your heart.

[beebee1978]

My mom and dad were in the same situation 32 years ago with with me. My mom was 37 years old my dad was 56 years old and he freaked out when my mom told him she was pregnant. My mom went to the first appointment to discuss abortion but broke down in tears and said she could do it. So she went home and told my dad she was keeping me and that was that. My dad was an amazing dad he passed away 12 years ago , obviously he felt guilty when I was told about what could of been. I am now a mom my self. I had a little boy 2 weeks ago. My advice is do what you want not what your husband wants . You don't want any regrets. Xx

[surprisenumber3]

Hi Suzie, I have been in your situation. I had my DS1 9, DSS 9 and DS2 4 when I found out I was pregnant again. Husband was devasted whereas I was in total shock. He wanted me to go and 'discuss our options', but I couldn't. So we went ahead and now our little princess is almost 2 and we are all besotted with her. we are knackered and dont have much time for anything but she is loved and adored and her 3 big brothers can't do enough for her :)

Hope you are ok x

[emoo777]

I became pregnant with my second unexpectedly and although we planned to have another it really shocked us just because in my life everything is planned so I think a lot of the shock is just readjustment of expectations about what is happening next in your life.

My husband's brother has four childrem with EXACTLY the same gaps yours would have if you went ahead and it works beautifully. The older two are best buddies as are the younger two.

My advice on your DH is to bring him around gently, and it will be easier for him to adjust this way.

Best of luck. x

[Mahraih]

A very different situation to yours, but I contemplated abortion with this (my first) pregnancy and felt the same as you: backed into a corner.

Getting your DH on board, if it's not happening, perhaps some counselling? We went to Brook as I'm under 25, but I think Relate does something similar. We sat with someone who was both a GP and a counsellor, who helped us make sense of our thoughts. It was more effective than us on our own, even in a couple of hours.

Bear in mind also, that if you feel so strongly about termination you really shouldn't go through with it (in my humble opinion). I spoke to myriad health professionals about it, and all of them said that I shouldn't do it. Be honest with them - because they will try to suggest what's best for you.

[designergirl]

I am 38 and now 26 weeks pregnant with our unplanned fourth baby. I was very shocked when I found out. It is due in May. My children are 7,4 and 2. We both worried about how we would cope, where we would put it , the money etc. but neither of us considered abortion as we don't believe in it. Like you, I had started giving away baby clothes. But now we have accepted it and are looking forward to it. It will be hard work and I know I'll be tired but at the end of the day my husband was also involved in the conception. He had the choice to use contraception and he didn't. Sometimes he worries aBOUT money and I say to him "Well contraception was cheaper but you chose not to"
I would say go with your own feelings. It's your body. If know you will always regret your decision to have an abortion please don't do it. I hope and pray your husband will come round, even if it wasn't planned this little baby could be a massive blessing to your lives xxxxx

[designergirl]

Have you just found out? Give him some time, he might calm down when he gets used to the idea.

[Rosie29]

I am expecting my 4th in 6 weeks time, it was a complete shock, as, like you, we had decided to stick at 3.

My husband was actually pleased about it, much more so than me. I never considered not going through with the pregnancy, but I am still not really excited like I was in the other 3 pregnancies.

I also had terrible moring (all day) sickness for the first 5 months and along with work, house etc found everything very stressful (still do). I am hoping that being pregnant with 3 kids is worse than actually having 4.

My 3 kids are exactly the same ages as yours. The 6 and 4 year old get on with things by themselves, but my soon to be 2 year old is very demanding. We have no space for a 4th, hardly any money but I hoping things will sort themselves out (or a lottery win!)

This is a bit of a ramble and probably not very helpful but please give yourself time to decide. Your dh might slowly accept the idea, like I have done.

Good Luck

[del1]

I wrote something similar to your thread a few weeks ago, but this will be my 3rd.
We too, had taken all the clothes etc to charity, and were looking forward to getting our lives back. My ywo are 2 yrs, and 7 mnths. So we will have 3 under 3's.
Im 34 and my partner is nearly 41.
I couldnt go through with my appointment for abortion, and my parner didnt speak to me for about a week ( as it was all my fault)
he has eventualy come round a little, and is talking about how the new baby will fit in, and buying new cars etc.
Someone on here wrote that you would never regret having the baby. But you might regret not having it. I agree with that.
Our problem is the money situation, but I reckon we would manage! And it wont be sleepless nights forever - that only lasts a few months (unless your unlucky)
Just think how much fun it will be at birthdays and christmas with all the kids enjoying themselves!
My head told me to terminate this baby, but my heart said no. I followed my heart, and am still only about 9 weeks. But now I am getting a bit more excited, rather than dread!
Men take time to come around to our way of thinking, he will get used to the idea soon, even if hes not 100 happy about it.
Just wait untill he holds the baby when its born - would he tell you he wished you had done what he wanted, and got rid of it? doubt it?
Imagine what your other children would think of him if you got rid of the baby, and they found out when they were older?
Another argument I used, was to make him feel like a real man - because he could get me pregnant so easily 3 times. It must have meant to be!!I could see his brain ticking away, feeling very manly
Good luck. Although I have a feeling you will do what YOU want to do in the end x

[Suzie3]

How lovely to come back and find so many replies! It's so great to be able to voice my feelings on this. It's a subject that I just can't discuss with anyone I know at this point, so great to have the support of friendly strangers!

You are all very very wise.
Designergirl, it's still very early indeed. We just found out on Monday afternoon so my husband has had very little time to come to terms with the news. I am very sketchy on dates (I feel so silly) but I think it will be between 6 and 9 weeks. I am hoping to clarify this at the scan on Monday.

I have tried not to talk too much about it over the last few days, just want things to sink in with him slowly.
Last night I just said "can you maybe imagine our number 3 not being our last, but our 3rd of four?" and he just said "I don't know" but at least he didn't say a categorical 'no', right?

I think I know in my mind that I can't terminate, but I think in a way I owe it to him to at least discuss the options at the consultation on Monday.
I'll come back and let you all know how that goes.
I just really really hope now that there's just one in there. My sister had twins last year, and so did my best friend. Now THAT would be terrifying!

x

[Suzie3]

Have just spent the day with my gorgeous sister, and have told her everything (thank goodness for girlfriends and sisters!)
I am feeling so much more positive. I do think that there are so many terrible things that life can throw at you, and in the grand scheme of things, this is really very minor... even a blessing, as some of you say.
I do feel very lucky in many many ways.

I think it's all just been a dreadful shock, and we will get there eventually.

I also keep thinking about how the older two now do look after themselves much more, and even, to a small extent, the little one. In some ways, in for a penny... It's not as though I am going from 0-4 in one go, it'sjust one more after all, and just two years more of the baby stage etc.

Now it's time to work on my husband. I just know that I really need him to be on board with it 100% although I know it will take him some time.

Sorry to keep babbling! Great to have an outlet.
x

[Janus]

Hi Suzie, I too am pregnant with number 4 (but am 40!!). We had sort of planned to try but what with my age and the fact that we took 2 years to fall pregnant with number 3 we thought we probably wouldn't have another, couple of months later though and here we are!
We have 2 older ones, 10 and 7 and then a 2 year old so this was always our thought to give the little one a playmate to be close to like the older ones, who are very close.
I too think in for a penny ... ! The sleepless nights don't last that long, the older 2 can help in little ways, eg can you go and get me a nappy, etc. I look at my 10 year old now and wonder how on earth she got to be that age! It has flown by and she and her older sister are a delight (most of the time!).
The hardest thing so far is hitting 30 weeks pregnant and feeling very knackered! I have explained to them that mum won't also be so useless and hopefully by the time summer comes we can all be a lovely family with kids crawling all over us!
I hope your husband comes around, even when planned we still have the odd moment of 'omg what have we done!' x

[mattdamonlovesme]

Hi Suzie
I'm 40 this year, about 8 weeks pregnant with third, 2 DCs age 10 and 12. We have talked for years about having more kids, it was never the 'right' time (is it ever?). Thought we would half heartedly give it a try as it felt like now or never and we agreed we might feel regret if we didn't try. Well, bingo, to my utter shock I became pregnant first attempt. Who says fertility drops after 35? .

My initial feelings, having had a manic Christmas and feeling exhausted were shock, horror, and me repeating "what have we done!" These feeling have surprised and frightened me, maybe they are hormonal? I should add my husband was as shocked as me but excited too.

Sometimes even a planned pregnancy isn't met with joy because fear takes over. I think we would always be haunted by regret and the what if's if we hadn't tried for another and am trying to tell my self that this is obviously meant to be. The nausea and exhaustion are not making me feel very positive at the moment TBH.

Sorry, probably not much help to you but wanted to reassure you that there are others out there kind of freaking out a bit too! FWIW, my mum had 4 dc under 5 years old and survived!!

All the best.

[Rosie29]

Hi Suzie

Hope you are still feeling better about things.

How is your DH?

Rosie

[girlfromdownsouth]

Suzie just wondered how things are with you and DH. I hope that you have both had some time to think things through.

I must re-iterate that if your heart tells you not to terminate, please don't do it. That could cause untold damage to you and to your relationship as you will always be blaming DH on some level.

It is harsh but there were two of you at the conception and each time you have unprotected sex you run the risk of falling pg.

I am pg with DC3, 39 years old and would dearly love 4 children but I have had such a difficult time trying to get pg and then trouble with the actual pg (all good now tho) I feel like I just can't go through it again. DD is 8 and DS is 6 btw, this one is due July. If you go through with this pg, the gaps sound perfect to me!

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think you are being very reasonable by considering DH's feelings and going to the abortion clinic even though you are unsure. It is good to consider all the options.

3DC's is not much different from 4DC's. I am one of 4 and growing up everyone I knew was one of 4. Granted it's not the norm now, but there are still plenty of "larger" families around.

[Suzie3]

Hi there all.
It's so good to hear other people's stories, and from those who have CHOSEN to have four children, and see it as a blessing.

The last few days have been tough. We went for the appointment yesterday and basically it confirmed to me how difficult I would find it to terminate this pregnancy.
I think that really, the right thing to do now, for very many reasons is to continue with this pregnancy and embrace all the good things that having one more child will bring. (Just to re-iterate though that fundamentally I AM pro choice, and have no issue with other people deciding that termination is right for them).
The thing I am really struggling with at the moment is that my husband really does not feel this wway at all. He would like to have a termination,and be back where we were a week ago, no more children. I feel very sorry for him, but on the other hand I know that I could not live with the guilt and the blame that I woudl feel if I were to terminate just because he wanted to. He says that there will be guilt and blame the other way too. Every time we have another sleepless night, or other things are difficult with the kids, he thinks he will blame me. I feel so sad at the moment. I know he is trying to come to terms with it, but it's so difficult, because there really is no compromise to be made. We cannot meet halfway with this, it's all or nothing. It's hard too to argue for something that I didn't really want in the first place. I do want it now, though, and I do think that if I am going to go ahead, I really now need to move on and totally embrace this decision. Really hard when he is not.

I just hope that time will help him to come to terms with it. I asked him to try and think about the good things that will come from this, as well as the bad, and his response is that there is no good. We have 3 healthy children, we have aldready had all the good, now there is only bad. Ugh. I feel that when I really need the support for this decision he just can't be there to give it.

I just desperately hope that he will be able to change the way he feels. I am terrified that he won't. He also worries that there may be something wrong with the baby, and then he would feel huge blame - I feel that then it would all be my fault as it was my decision alone to continue. It's all a bit messy.

Thanks for all your support ladies. I Will let you know how things progress, but for now I am going to just try and give him a bit of space and time without talking too much about it (he still has not really talked about it - I just don't get it because I work everything out by talking talking talking - he just bottles it all in. Very typical man!)

PS - Helpful to see scan, at least, and Bpas were very helpful. Scan showed that I am 8.5 weeks and there is just one baby in there (phew indeed!)

[cheapFlower]

hi suzie,
I really feel for you and I can totally understand your feelings for wanting to go ahead.

do you know why DH is so categorically against a number 4? I only have 2 DC but I have friends with 3/4/5 kids and I don't think that another child (if you have already 3) will have such a huge impact. I mean, you already have children, DC3 is also still fairly young - so a number 4 wouldn't really turn you life upside down, would it?

[freshmint]

Poor you
I think you have to make the right choice for you, and as several wise people have said - he was there at the conception
What I will say is that no matter how down on the idea he is now, he will changed his mind when he is presented with a tiny newborn that looks (a) like his other kids and (b) like him. And of course he will love that child just as much as he loves the other 3.
It is just the period between now and then that is going to be tricky and I really hope for your sake that once the shock has worn off and the reality has hit him that it IS coming, he will be OK with it.

I think you need to tell him that you need his support, you are having this baby who will be lovely, and that you can't listen to him moaning about it for the next 7 months.

[freshmint]

ps I have 4

we called number 4 "the straw" (as in "who broke the camel's back") for the first 6 months but she is 5 now and lovely

[freshmint]

pps congratulations on your pregnancy!!

[weblette]

I think what your dh needs to understand is that you can never just go back to exactly how you were a week ago, too much has happened.

My #4 was very very unexpected and I won't deny it took me a very long time to get used to the idea. Dh came round to it more quickly but again, there was quite a period of re-adjustment.

#4 is now 3yrs old and while the logistics sometimes require creative thinking it feels like he should always have been here.

I wish you all the best.

[weblette]

Oh and the other consequence was that dh finally got off his arse to get the snip! No more surprises here, no sirree!

[freshmint]

ah yes
snip after no 4 MOST important

[Suzie3]

My husband is already talking about the snip now... I think we will have no more surprises!! He's just kicking himself for not having done it sooner.

Freshmint, you sound so wise, thanks for your input. He adores his other children so very much, that I really think if anyone can do this, he can. I just hope that he will see it soon.

And weblette - I really tried to explain that, for me , there is no way to "go back" it's just two diffent ways of going forward. He doesn't see it this way though, he's able to be very rational about it in a way that I just cannot be now. I also have a vague sense of fate - that this was somehow meant to be - another things that annoys him and makes him feel that I am being "too emotional". But then I wouldn't be the person he married if I wasn't emotional. And I guess, he wouldn't be the person I married if he were. So there it is.

He doesn't really talk about why he doesn't want another one, but it's basically more hard work, more sleepless nights, more years of push chairs, weaning etc etc etc. It does make me tired to think about it too, but I just think it's not something we can't cope with, and we will be the other side of it one day... and although it;s hard work, it's not like we haven't enjoyed it the last three times.

I also have to say that since I am one of four myself, whilst I did not want this, it's far easier for me to imagine it than for him. I absolutely loved being the oldest of four kids, and I never felt that there were any down sides (except maybe that we had to share a lot of our stuff, and my parents were fairly frugal with holidays etc!)
He is from 3, and I would say his family is a lot less close than mine. It would make sense reaslly that I would find it easier to adjust to large family chaos than he (plus he's the one that the financial burden lies with
x